The was stage set
The curtain was drawn

I took long slow steps
At center stage I stopped

The mic before me sat a silhouette
Against the blinding lights

My lips parted to speak
Silence
I spoke the words I know so well
Silence

Was my speech falling on deaf ears?

My voice rose
Silence
I leaned close to the mic
Silence

I screamed at the top of my lungs
Until my throat was raw

I stood in the center of the stage
Silent
No matter what I said
No matter how loud I was
No one was listening

I wanted to tell them
About the sadness drowning me
About the hate burning in my heart
About how hopeless I felt

I sat in the center of the stage
Silent

The stage was empty
The curtains were closed

The snow began to melt when I was told to just SMiLe
The clouds turned gray when tongues around me began to curse
The doves flew from view when hate turned to cuts on my skin
The lamb disappeared when my father left and I laughed
The daisies wilted when my church preached that I'd be going to hell

The soggy ground became normal when I starved for beauty
Storms rolled in when I had my heart broken
The crows circled when pain turned to a rope around my neck
The wolves snarled when he wanted it and I couldn't form the word no
The thorns grew in when alcohol became my escape

The last of my innocence
It's a sliver of a moon in a starless sky
I fear the day I'm consumed by it and lose my way

Beyond my faded skin is more than you can see
Beyond my glassy eyes is more than you can know
Beyond my broken frame is more than you can understand

You don't look beyond
You think you know
You don't really understand

All you see is my crumbling skin
All you know are my foggy eyes
All you understand are my collapsing bones

You don't take the time to look beyond

Stress
Eating at my stomach
An acid dripping through my chest
Burning in my blood
Searing in my skin

Frustration
Clogging my lungs
A hand clenching my heart
Freezing my limbs
Blocking my thoughts

Doubt
Fogging my thoughts
A weight pushing on my chest
Crushing my heart
Choking my lungs

Anxiety
Racing hot in my blood
A bear trap around my ribs
Compressing my organs
Stopping my breath

Exhaustion
Weighing down my thoughts
A sharp pain in the back of my eyes
Pulling at my eyelids
Dragging my limbs

Helplessness
Tugging at my heart
A black hole pulling away my spirit
A void in my chest
A cavern in my stomach

Anguish
Sawing at my veins
A dull knife stabbing my chest
Cutting at my stomach
Rusting my veins

I can’t escape them
They follow me like the stench of my wrongs
My fears like flies swirling around me
Learn how to rid of the smell
And you will rid of the flies

Disappointment

I see it in my mother’s eyes
I hear it in her voice
I feel it in the air
The tension is painful
It’s sharp like needles against my skin

Her words hit me like broken glass
“Can’t” “Don’t” “Wouldn’t”

“Why”
     It stings
“Why”
     It seeps into my skin
“Why”
     It creeps through my veins

How does a mother’s disappointment explain why?

Why?
     My brain was asleep
Why?
     I was on autopilot
Why?
     My head was full of fog
Why?
     I wasn’t in control

Disappointment.

I am everyone’s greatest.

I was born in a house
All I ever needed was a home

I just want to go home
To a place where I won't hurt
A place I feel safe
A place I want to be

How do you go home
when all you have is a house?

It starts in my chest and grows
like a parasite it eats at me
It feeds on my insecurities
It weighs me down

It runs through my veins and spreads
like a virus it breaks me down
It drains me of energy
It slows me down

Its destroying me