If I knew my life was ending in 3 days I don't think I'd do anything grand. It's not like I'm a hero or a celebrity. It's not like I have the money to do anything audacious or that I would want to impart my will on everyone for an unknown amount of time. I would likely watch youtube, hang out with my cat a bit more, and not tell my friends of my circumstances. I don't think I'd leave a letter either.

Perspective on these kinds of things can change with time, of course, but I've felt similarly for a while now. It's always like you're just drifting through life with little control over yourself, little to impart on others that feels impactful, and little to achieve what makes you happy in the moment without facing large consequences.

If I had 3 days, I would keep being me while maybe listening to the loudest music possible and maybe I'd start writing poetry again. Surely an event as big as your death will make the ideas start flowing? At least, that's what I feel most people would think. I've had a few near death experiences and one recently that made it seem like I will die here shortly (not including my depressive episodes), and nothing changed in that regard. The only change that happened for me, was a slight recontextualization of how I think about how my actions affect those around me, but even then it doesn't mean I think before I speak (sorry to those who know who they are).

In the end, while I think I know how I would act and feel with only having 3 days left, it could be that the fact that I wasn't certain about my end means that I continued on as normal until I keel over because there was a chance. If there was no chance, would that finally be the thing that would sway me to actually change the way I behave? Would I be able to study? Would I be able to focus on topics that don't immediately grab my attention? Would I try to go out and meet new people?

I doubt it.

One heart beats and another starts
The machine assembles the parts.
Sprinkled with water it's set free
Our lives are spent to bloom the seed.
A woman's cry to start this life
The tools never tell us lies.
It tells us it's positive
Try to pause a bit.
Let things slow down
Thought's will make you drown.
Your belief tells you what
Your mind thinks too much.
Say yes to end the pain
But end a life in vain.

A little too much to drink.
A little too much that day.

Yes I went a little too far
And I'm willing to work hard.

But he won't give me a chance
One strike and then you're out.

I didn't mean to hit him that hard
But now I've got to clean it up.

Keep me from public
Cover my face
Hide my words
Remove from the world
What little I left.

Scrub away the remains
And let me fade
into obscurity.

On the edge again
The void down below
If you think too much
You'll take a step back

Ignore yourself
Suppress the thoughts
Leave care behind
Just take the step

I've heard it for hours
Played it on end
Helped me when in need,
On it I depend

This verse still ringing in my head
The bittersweet memories attached
Motivated by its heartfelt words
But it feels like I need it detached.

"I want you to know: with everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment, you know
'Cause I'd bleed my heart out to show that I won't let go"

I love you
I really do
But the year has passed
My need for falsity
is gone.
You will be missed.

Yours truly.

Apathy
Brings only pain
A bullet in part
It enters your brain
And goes out your heart

Are they a marking of pain?
Or a sign of growth?

Cover me in your words
Bathe me in your thoughts
Drown me in your dreams
Fill me with your hopes.

Connect the dots
Piece by piece
Tied into knots
Your dreams
your dreams.

Sorrow-laden pills of joy
From misery and despair
They're yours and yours alone
To feed me, tied to a throne.

A crown of thorns rests on my head
My blood to pay for the life you lead
My words. My hope. My dreams. My hopes.
Force-fed, now they fill me with dread.

Wanna know what’s wrong?
Well I’ll sing you this song.

Cause I’m already sick
So you can **** a word that rhymes with stick
Why don’t I get to pick
I hate getting the short end of the actual stick

Singing this bit
Makes me feel like… “something similar to dung”
It’s made me exacerbate
I’d rather at home, sit in my chair, and master- geometrics.

They lick hungrily at something to burn
Like the human mind wanting to learn.

A rainbows end
Should not be sad.

For its life
Was full of color.

The other side,
A new journey.

Glimmering gold
Is where it starts.

Shining beauty
Is where it parts.

Then the clouds leave.
As is the law.

Around the bend,
The last it saw.

Do not weep for a rainbow-
Even though it may be sad.

When you mourn for the rainbow-
You ruin what it once had.

Walking through the city
Rather;
The city's remains
Seeing bodies being thrown about in every which way

A starving child here
A screaming man there
The enemy scrambling for the politician's hair

Running through the streets and what remains
Filled with smoke and flames
The picture of shame

I like watching those in pain
I like being the one in pain
I like to think it makes me sane
I like getting to play this game

I like repeating the same thing day after day
I like unfinished stories I'll make them my way
I like being the one that doesn't get a say
I like the silence, it'll keep them at bay

I like sitting on my bed
I like letting you finish this instead.

Bird in a cage
With no bars.

It's cut free
Yet it remains.

I put on my cap and gown and went outside.
The wind was gentle and the sun was warm.
My gown was smooth, soft, and it made me happy.
My cap was light and ready to be thrown miles.
The moment comes and the moment passes.
My gown's still folded on the counter with my cap on top.
Neither has been worn, what's the point?
Maybe someone can use it in the future.
I'll just save it for them.

This poem's fake
But what did you expect?
With me being pushed so hard
How am I supposed to connect?
I'll type up something that provokes emotion
But makes you lose a little respect.
I'll say, "It's the flow of the ocean"
To cover up what I feel
I'll keep it short
But I'll keep it sharp.
My poems, like me, are fake
But you like it nonetheless.

Upon the hill
I see the light glow
A place of happiness
That I'll never know

Are, are you coming to the tree?
We're left in a world
Where No one's happy.
What does our Future hold?
No one left to hold dear.
The children are saying
"Strange things have happened here."
No one is left crying.
When the sky went red
Everybody Fled.
The streets are bare
There's nobody there
They are all gone
By the light of dawn.
All's left is the rubble
Of our little bubble.
We soared so high
Trying to fly
But in the end
We all are dead.
The Tree is dead
The silence is heavy as lead
When the siren blew
No one knew what to do
Now we're all gone
all's left is this song.

Bottle me up
Push me down
Bury me
Beneath your guts
I'll squirm
And it will hurt
But you can't.
You can't let me show.
If someone sees
You'll be outlawed
You'll be ostracized
You'll be a coward.
You'll be hated.
Now keep it a secret.

Warmth from chaos
A past time of mine
It makes me feel goey
And nice inside.

The destruction of lives
The loss of property.
I enjoy it all.
Just not when it's me.

Am I just another face in the crowd?
Given no reason to be proud
Just hear me scream so loud
Watching the farm get plowed.

Comes down on me so hard
I don't know what to feel
Leaving my body scarred
How'd life get so real?

Beatings that can't be seen
Controlling behind the screen
Beat me like your coward queen
Cover up and clean the scene

My face, a price of gold
Create my priceless mold
Flaunt me, but can't be sold
Trade me when you grow old.

When you get something new
Buy me for my appeal
no one really cares what's true
When you forever kneel.

I've been bouncing on this ball all day.
It's a little strange to sit another way.

But the bouncing grows tiresome
And I no longer require some.

So I moved on to another distraction.
Hopefully this one will entertain me for longer.

Since I was a small child I saw the worst in people. People would cheat, people would steal and people would lie.

My father was a man of no honor. He stole my moms heart, gave her another life to care for then left her eternally.

Since I was a small child  I saw the worst in people. People would cheat, people would steal and people would lie.

My ears would catch the voices of the unfaithful. They would betray their 'love' and lie to the innocent.

Since I was a small child I saw the worst in those around me. They would lie to me and tell me to trust the ***** dogs.

My eyes felt the gaze of the dogs upon me. The beautiful beasts, embodying innocence, gave me the lie of hope.

I wanna ******* say it.
But it won't ******* change ****.
Doesn't matter what I ******* do
Nothing ******* comes through.

Yeah I know, if I say '****'
People will ******* whine.
It's just my ******* luck
That you don't wanna hear "I'm fine"

But **** what you think
I'm pushed to the ******* brink
One ******* man can't sail this ship
Lets ******* get rid of censorship.

Lacking
Fleeting
Rare
20 assignments
20 overdue.

I wanna make it out of this alive
But I don't know how
I can see the door closing
But I can't move.

The rope is tightening
Air is cut thin
Time is running out
But it's fine.

If everything fades away.
What's the point of living today?
If everything we work so hard for,
is just lost so someone else can get more.

When life get's you down off your drug,
Just give it another click enjoy the pugs.
If all we have will soon fade,
Then let it all live on for the pain.

Busting my back
Breaking my bones
Helping the pack
Holding their stones.

Workhorse will try
Workhorse won't budge
It's time's gone by
I'll be the judge

The child with no scars
Even gets fancy food and knifes
He'll never have to hide behind bars
his life will be without strife.

The child with no scars
Gets all he wants without work
Everyone tells him he'll make it far
but nobody sees how much he hurts.

Talking to myself
Might seem crazy.
Especially
when in public.

But I didn't think
I was talking
to myself.

I thought
I was talking
to you.

Leaning back
In my chair
Balancing
My weight.

I'm not scared
If I fall
All I'll break
Is your heart.

When you wake for the day
But see your trapped in yesterday
Yet set out to be one with sea
And hide behind mountains

When one with earth
Is trapped in technology
What happiness it brings
With the lives that it takes.

Halfway down
A mirror to my past
Of misery
And now regret
A quarter to go
It's churning in my guts
A splash in the world
A ripple to remember
A mirror of nothing

To dear me
Is who I write
The new future
My current plight

To dear me
The one I owe
Did you finally see
How you could grow?

To dear me
I’m full of lies
I try to hide
From prying eyes

To dear me
Stand out from the crowd
Don’t fear to be
The one that’s loud

To dear me
The fears you have
Are the key
To learn to teach.

Gramer Nazy
I'm alright I guess
I've just been playing games
Nothing else much

uoYkcuF
Cool

Gramer Nazy
I've been reflecting on the person I am
and I've become someone that I like more.

uoYkcuF
Good

Gramer Nazy
What're you doing right now?
Besides talking to me

uoYkcuF
In bed

Gramer Nazy
What are you doing
What's in your room?

uoYkcuF
A bed, a dresser and boxes

Gramer Nazy
How long have the boxes been there?

uoYkcuF
Since Mom died
Almost 3 weeks

Gramer Nazy
What's in them?

uoYkcuF
Her stuff

Gramer Nazy
Sorry
What made you wanna talk to me again?

uoYkcuF
Haven't you been off a while

Gramer Nazy
I'm always on
I changed my pfp
But I've always just been hanging out

uoYkcuF
Ok

Gramer Nazy
you tried writing any poems?

uoYkcuF
No

Gramer Nazy
Wanna give it a shot?

uoYkcuF
Sure.

Gramer Nazy
You wanna write one together?

Covered in thoughts
Soaked in regrets
I'm starting over
From nothing
Again

I watch the young couple doing their dance
All the while a business man loses his chance
He thinks to himself, "What if I could be-
the one  loving behind the tree?"

The young couples dance comes to an end
The business man notices the trend
He says to himself, "If we see what's to be-
then can we profit off others misery?

The old friends leave behind their lives
To pick up a new kind of jive
The business man says, now old and gray,
"What if they all had a chance to say their say?"

He looks back in pain at the love he left
"What have I done, I've committed theft.
Taken all of which the young people need.
If only i had what's now inside of me."

The old man lies in his bed dreaming of a better year
Although they lived life in fear
They never gave in to the lies we live.

I'm sorry for your time
I'm sorry to make you work.
Didn't mean to cause a crime
Didn't want him to get hurt.

You were kind
And you were calm.
Now you'd find
My head in my palm.

I'm sorry to say
It ended this way
I wish you a good day

Never before have I been in a moment like this


and now it's gone.

Oozing from my eyes
Down to my nose
Taste's like gunk
Sounds of funk
On my fingertips.

Liquid courage slides down my gullet
To approach her from across the room.

Told myself that she was full of it
A habit spelling my certain doom.

One deep breath intakes the fun-to-be
Helps me push away my deepest fears.

I can feel the music about me
Finally fitting in with my peers.

Spinning my good friend, I find a match
Taller than I, but nothing like her.

Hot and heavy moving past her patch
Finish within the time I assure.

Up a level, the party begins
My first winter storm left me burning.

Now it's really boiling up within
Up my nostrils, I feel it churning.

The yellow cannonball firing far
At last, I can be with the great stars

I wanted to write this for someone else to read
Let you know I'll be there in your time of need.
Even though I can't actually be there
I wanted you to know I still care.

School is filled with rules.
Followed by too many fools.
Spending many years in schools.
You think we'd have the tools!

Tools to help let us know.
Help us find where we'll go.
To put our thoughts on show.
Make our creativity flow!

Instead we're put inside a cell.
Falling deeper within our well.
We're forced to live in this hell.
Never to break free from our shell!

Pulling us further from our kin.
We're to find the area within.
Setting us up for greater sins.
What's learned can't help with what we're in!

They want a story to rhyme
But won't give you any time
Stay silent like a mime
Feel like you've commit a crime.

Teachers will take what you earn
Being left with no where to turn
To become more than a fern
We must choose what we learn.

I'm so hungry
My belly's growling
I can feel the pain
But I won't eat food
Why is that?
It's right over there
Just a bite
And I can
Hold back the pain.
Or I can just sit here
Wonder to myself
Why I can't focus
And why I feel so
empty.


Maybe that's because
I'm so hungry.

I'm gonna go eat some cereal now.

What happened to you?
Why are you broken?
Would you like some help?
Should I leave you be?

Are you shattered too?
Have you awoken?
Tell me how you felt.
Tell me what you see.

I am your family
So you can trust me
There's no need to leave

I'm your biggest fan
I'm what you're to be
My heart's on my sleeve.

At last, you've joined
Another day spent.

Now you're one of us.
It's where you must've went.

But now, you are gone

And now I'm content.

On a dreary night
Sat upon a stool
Weeping in my thoughts
I felt like a fool.

On a weary day
While standing in fear
I stole the wrong hand.
My end is coming near

You aren't unique
and neither am I
We're not something new
we're not something special
We're just more people
taking up more resources