what am I
but a reflection
of all I should have been
the things I never did,
the chances I never took
the sunsets I never watched.

I feel I could have been more.
I'm still young;
why do I feel like this.

Hello...
It's been a long time
Since we last talked on the phone.
And it feels like our friendship
Hangs on a thread
And I don't like this at all.

Ring... Ring... Ring...
Click.
You used to answer at third ring.
Sometimes you'll even
Pick up before that first
Riiing...
Now I am afraid to call you
On my lonely walk home
Because, I know you knew
My fear of rejection
And lately
You've been rejecting my calls.

But I miss your voice
And those late night calls
And not feeling so lonely
While walking home
Because we share a virtual reality:
A third space for just you and me
On the phone
And we don't have that
Anymore.
What's wrong?

To the man who raised me where my own father couldn’t,

Papa… where do I even begin?
I love you more than words could ever express. I will always cherish our time together- even though I will forever hate that we could not have more- and all the lessons you taught me. You were the most sincere, hard working, admirable and loving person I will ever have the fortune of knowing.

You were my protector, my knight in shining armour, my superhero, my rock, my anchor, my confidante, my defender, and my best friend. There will never be a man in my life who could ever measure up to your strength, love and kindness.

I’m sorry I’m not ready to let you go… nor do I think I ever will be. I guess part of me just thought you would be here with me forever. I really wish that were the case… but if it’s time for you to go, I guess I can settle for you being my guardian angel instead.

I also just want to thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for always being there for me without ever questioning it or wavering.
Thank you for holding my hand and guiding me.
Thank you for wiping my tears, hugging me tightly and always knowing how to comfort and cheer me up.
Thank you for protecting me.
Thank you for always having my back and supporting me.
Thank you for all the times you soothed my anxiety attacks growing up.
Thank you for all the nights you spent up with me when I was afraid.
Thank you for your undying love and support.
I can’t ever thank you enough for everything.

I miss you so much. I wish I could talk to you once more. I wish I could tell you how much I love and miss you. I wish I could thank you and apologize. I wish I could joke around with you.

I wish I could have you sing to me- in that god awful tone-deaf singing voice of yours that always made me laugh. I’d even put up with you singing Chicken Talk.

I wish we could have had more time, but I know that no amount of time would ever have been enough. I got you for almost 25 years and I guess that will have to be enough.

I would give anything just to be able to tell you this and for you to be able to hear me and respond. I know you’d tell me not to cry and not to be sad. I know you would tell  me you love me and always will. I know you’d also tell me to take care of Nonna and Callisto, Nova and the kids.
I just wish more than anything I could actually hear you saying those things.

You are my sunshine, papa…

Always, your little girl.