I have learned from a young age that I would attract a certain kind of attention. Prepped for the stares I would receive for being more well endowed in the areas that spark lust in men. From a youthful age sexualized, only sought after for one purpose. One glance and thoughts are shifted to fantasy. Never asked about feelings or emotions, just questioned about how I can satisfied needs. I am only looked at as a fun time never a long time. They all believe that because I look a certain way, that I must have all these men in my bed, and that I am only in their presence for pleasure. My sanity is often questioned, once they realize that I am not a seducer or temptress that falls in to the hands of multiple men. But they also have the mentality to wonder why someone like myself is distant, guarded and closed off.
(Looks gone to waste in their eyes, tainted in my own)

I knew from the start when his good morning and goodnight texts never had the word beautiful with heart eyes unlike yours never without
Why didn't I notice sooner that I would never fall for him the way I fell for you
I should have known when most of our conversations ended with arguments, that he was never the one
Unlike yours and mine filled with laughter every minute
I should have known when I never smiled at the sight of his name on my phone. . .forced feelings
But when your name appeared on my phone my day was filled with undeniable happiness
I should have known when he never made me feel special
I still remember the paragraph you had once sent me
Explaining how I changed your life and how it had no meaning before you met me
All I get from him is criticism for every little thing I do wrong in his eyes
He would never amount to you, to what we had
I doubt anyone ever will
I am wrong and only hurting myself trying to find you in others

"I actually feel sorry for you, because I feel like you wanted a relationship with me but couldn't admit it"

You were right my love, I regret never opening up to you. I was always to afraid that you would realize I was never truly what you wanted. I did not want to be hurt by someone I cared for so much, but in the end I just hurt the both of us.

I still miss you
I still live in the memories of us
The wonderful times we shared together linger on the nights I am loneliest
But the image of you is starting to fade
and I do not know whether to be relived or sadden

They tell me the things I crave to hear
I'm hesitant every time knowing that it is all *******
I hold back as much as possible, but still give in I am only human
Thinking this time will be different, I was wrong
I am always wrong
Leaving an unfamiliar home mascara stains under my eyes
Residue of a wiped off sticky white substance on my chest
Lighting my cigarette a habit I had given up months ago
Crying because he was the same as all the others even though he stated over and over again he was not, and how he wanted to change my perception of men but he was one of them from the start
Inhaling each drag along with a a memory of the ones before
They always give so much affection and admiration until they got what they intended when they first laid eyes on you but it is now replaced with cold distant replies
They can not all be the problem right? So I guess the problem has always been me

He kisses me.
Our alcohol mouths intertwined.
Our cigarettes long burned, with ash trailing as long as the city lights that you walk me home under.
I open my eyes, and he isn’t you.
Will my whole life consist of kissing complete strangers so I can find you again?

He pulls me in close and holds me.
If only he knew, that’s all I want.
I have this longing to be held.
By anyone, really.
I don’t want them to talk.
I don’t want them to look me in the eyes.
Because I’ll cry and I don’t want to cry.
Just keep holding me.
Please.
I know he will never be you, but in this moment, with my head buried on his chest, I can pretend.