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 Sep 2020 Raiden Crow
Iska
I often smoke these days
to fill my lungs
and **** the flowers
I once planted there for you.
I often get high these days
on the freedom I find
in my new life without you.
 Jan 2020 Raiden Crow
Iska
Survival
 Jan 2020 Raiden Crow
Iska
Today I saw the quote
“If it’s about survival... isn’t a little agony worth it?”

As if agony is something so small and easy to bare. As if it is a stone in our pockets that just adds a little weight as we are forced to march on this path that has no way out and no way back. When it’s more like this pressure that surrounds us and pushes our feet into the ground as we wade through this quick sand in attempt to make any progress, to move forward even an inch. In attempt to avoid being swallowed whole. But at the same time we just want to sink to the bottom and let the sticky sand muffle all sounds included our own. So we can let this pressure push us down as we sink further and further holding our breath waiting for that moment when we reach the bottom, just to see what’s there. And when we finally inhale we find our lungs have been filled with sand all along, it’s just this time it fills our eyes and ears as well. But perhaps a “little agony is worth it”. Maybe we should swallow our pain and continue forever forward as if we didn’t just swallow a red hot coal that’s now burning its way through our bodies and melting our will to continue as it goes. But no, let’s swallow it like a chalky pill that sticks to our throats and catches on it’s way down, but don’t worry, here’s a glass of sand to wash it down.
Wrote this a couple months ago
 Jun 2019 Raiden Crow
Iska
I always bother you
though I never try.
I hate the tears
but I cant keep from the cry.
you are everywhere I can never find
everywhere
but by my side
and its pathetic,
I  know it is

and yet...
I cant keep the panic at bay

and still....
anxiety steals my words before i can say

i m i s s y o u

i l o v e y o u

w i l l y o u s t i l l r e t u r n

w i l l i e v e r l e a r n

w i l l y o u l o v e m e i f i d o
    
w i l l y o u l o v e m e i f i d o n o t
to
                    the bird
                                                    who flew
                                                                               away
 May 2019 Raiden Crow
Iska
I am not your number one
And that is ok
I have accepted this
As my fate
Inescapable
You see,

I...
will never come first.

And that’s ok.

When I tell you I love you more than anything,
You will never reply the same.

And that’s ok.

I will never be your first

And that’s ok

It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

Her smile will forever make you day

And that’s ok
(I wouldn’t love you as much as I do if it didn’t anyway)

She is your purpose for living

And that’s ok
(I wouldn’t love you as much as I do if she wasn’t anyway)

Her laugh is your most precious thing

And that’s ok
(I wouldn’t love you as much as I do if it wasn’t anyway)

It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

She will always be your brightest sun

And that’s ok

She will always be the first

And that’s ok

I will never even be the fourth

And that’s ok

It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

It really is.
I swear to god that it’s ok
I love you all the more for it
And I wouldn’t have it any other way

But at night....

When loneliness seeps into my bones

And monsters hiss into my ears


Reminding me that I am not your first
That I... have never been anyone’s first and most important person


That I have never deserved it

And that I will never even be your fourth.

And that’s ok.

It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

But at night...


With loneliness bleeding through my soul.

I can’t help but wonder...

What it would be like.

To at least once


be first
To someone
To anyone

Because I have never been anybody’s number one.

Never been put first

Not even by myself.

And I never will be.



And that’s ok.


It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

Because when the sun is out.
I love you all the more for it
I don’t regret it.
I do not envy it.
I love you all the more for it

And it’s all truly ok.

It’s ok
It’s ok
It’s ok

But at night


With loneliness swallowing me whole

I can’t help but wonder

Why I

Will never

Be enough


To ever

Be first


Or even

Simply fourth.
 Apr 2019 Raiden Crow
Iska
There once was a rock,
So bold and proud
But upon all others
He did scoff and frown.

He watched as the wistful wind
Tossed the waves up high
As the writhing sea
Draped in dazzling white
Frothed and danced in blissful delight.

He beheld the moon stained sand
As it churned and swept about
As the mighty wind blew the gulls throughout

The endless horizon
That crept to the sea.
Such beauty wasted,
For he truly believed
That none could ever be better then he.

“I am a pebble and I bow to none!”
Were the boastful words he cried to the Sun.
“Nothing could possibly change me!”
He declared to the Sea
“For I am eternal, while you all fade with time.”
He hollered to the Sand, with hubris filled pride.

“Then go forward, little pebble, and challenge the Tide.”
The whistling Wind whispered as they rolled him to the shore,
And the foolish pebble, need hear no more.

Flouncing, bouncing and pirouetting
The pebble lay upon the shore
when the Tide came to play
He told the Tide to “step aside,
For we are not the same.
I shall last forever,
whilst you are destined to fade away.”

The Tide surrounded him in a glittering host
he was then pushed and pulled throughout the coast
As the wild Waves rolled and bounced the pebble about
Before he was spat out once more on the sandy shore.

“INSOLENCE!!”
He cried out in pure rage.
“HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME,
I WHO CAN NEVER AGE?!”

So the Sand devoured him
And swallowed him whole
For how could he possibly not see
That he was not the only one
Blessed with the gift of immortality?

“Foolish pebble”
the Sand hissed in fury
“We are the dust of mountains.
We are the tellers of time
So tell me, little one,
how are you any better then I?”

The pebble stammered at a loss of words,
for such a thought had never occurred.
“As I thought.” The Sand sneered.
“How dare you be so quick to look down upon your peers.”

The poor pebble quivered as the sand spoke again
“If you wish to know eternity,
Look to the water,
towering over the waves.
Stands a Rock, older then both you and I.
Who knows? Perhaps she’s been there since the dawn of time..”

So the pebble turned again to the shore, peering over the waves
And what he beheld left him amazed.

The salt stained stone stood ageless.
Amongst the crashing of waves.
Breathing immortality, she gleamed in the sun.
The winds howled in rage
and the waves tossed their plumes
Demanding to be obeyed
But despite all of their efforts,
The Rock could not be swayed.

The pebble stood, humbled
And regret ensued.
Grief struck his core
and he was left quite confused.
When he heard a kind voice,
Both ancient and new.

“Hello, Little Pebble,
So battered and bruised.
Can’t you see?
The sand rubbed you smooth,
And the waves polished you anew.”

“I know your heart is heavy,
And filled with much regret.
So learn from your mistakes
And don’t you ever forget
That while you are simply a pebble
You glitter with gems from within
And once you embrace your potential,
Your eternity shall finally begin.”

~iska

{we are the tellers of time} is a line referring to the fact that hour glasses use sand to mark the passing of time.
For Grandma P.
Happy 71st birthday
 Nov 2017 Raiden Crow
Julia Mae
i wrote poetry
he partied
i would overthink
he would oversleep
too lost within the oblivion
of trying to numb away
life
while i was here
thinking about "life" too much
writing about it too much
i enjoyed wine
on a quiet Tuesday evening
he enjoyed liquor
on a wild Friday night

surely
truly
love does attract
"opposites"
i loved him
and he loved me
but he didn't want to live
life
and i
wanted to write about it

we're sitting
in a ***** garage
blasting music
with lyrics
that i am so appalled by
this is his life
this is
it isn't mine

i am
the quiet
Tuesday afternoon girl
who writes her words
to figure out
life
while he is trying
to forget about his
on a Friday night

these lifestyles
we tried to clash
for far too long
so sadly
too long

i left
with love still
beating inside of my heart
because you could never
love me
the way you love
your Friday nights
like you couldn't love
my Tuesday evenings

love is so
crafty
and deceiving
it brought us to meet
we both understood
that life is sad
yet only i
could see its beauty

and our lifestyles
were too different
to sustain the life
for one another
I haven't written too much lately but this poured out tonight.
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