We're all born with dreams, with gifts, and passionate hearts.
& just like Bella we all often imagine a rice covered path to the finish line right from the start.
Some choose to lay their hearts open but Bella, she chose to lock it.
Some of us are born on rainy days destined to see grey clouds, some to stare at celestial sunsets; you're either born staring at a broken mirror or with a clover in your pocket.
She fell, stumbled, she couldn't control it.
The locks she had in place served no purpose, he charmingly broke in picking through her fearful security with warmth and stole it.
Sometimes burglars can be intruders that you want inside because being locked up alone is no life at all.
Life seises from being short when you're loved by someone, you don't feel time at all.
Well, actually, maybe you feel it all at once the day you stare into their aged eyes at a youthful fire, but you never hear the clock tick.
A life in love is truly a roller coaster, feels like an eternity to get there but once you fall, the thrill, the rush, flashes by oh so quick.
Poor Bella. She wasn't a believer in such a ride until she woke up a top that hill.
Realizing she was ready to dive, to fall and scream. Heart racing, palms sweating, she realized his deepest dreams had become her priority will.
Sadly, something happened as she stepped into that cart.
He had no interest in sitting next to her, he was on his own climb to an enchanting fall & he walked away crumbling her already fearful heart.
Bella wasn't born with the clover, she was born during the storm, born staring into the mirror and trying to ignore the hurtful cracks.
Be grateful if you're born with that clover because you're lucky & you have a chance. & if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet the person you love decides to love you back.

My phone memory is exhausted, the database is so full yet it's so empty.
Maturity turns more to less & loneliness stems from plenty.
You'll count up to two, eight, fourteen, twenty.
Then you look up to a crowded room of meaningless people & see no one, lord where have you sent me?
A path of numerals is not a pleasant walk.
All these texts, all these calls & conversations but lack of substance equates deafness, I can no longer hear them talk.
Gosh, I can't erase this chalk.
How I wish to throw water on my blackboard and fast forward, I must repel & balk.

The best meals take awhile, so here I wait, & when the tables turn I will have earned my seat & my plate. Wow, ain't fate great. Just, wait.

So bright, consuming all my nights.
She's enchanting like Rosellas when they fly.
Eye to eye, a blue that makes you want to dive.
So beautiful like sapphires in her eyes.
A wild torch, couldn't contain it if I tried.
Gorgeous pain, uncontrollably smiling while I cried.
I say I don't love her & never have I agonized so much inside as I lied.
Such a portrait can not be earthly, Lord tell me have I died?

Every night I dream I disappear into a sizzling flash.
I close my eyes to witness hell & When I awake the visual lasts.
Moisten the Percocets in evaclear and set them to a flame, we'll save the syringes for last.
How long can I last?
Time is not universally synced, my clock is ticking so fast.
We lie in the beds we make, i slumber on hot tar and blood covered glass.
Demonic tumors in my brain, a cancerous evil evaporating my will, I can no longer think.
Dry ice composed of pollutant codeine and pneumonia, I poison my own drinks.
Narcotic armor, my soul needs protection.
I think I've already died, my cameras no longer flash, in my mirrors I don't have a reflection.
Tears leave my eyes but it's been years since I last cried, I know there's a dorm for me in hell where I'll finally learn my lessons.

Lost my best friend now I hang out with demons.

Tramadol floating in Bacardi , *** to feel alive but I see death in my *****.

Make my bed and lie in it, invisible stains on the sheets, they can't see that I'm bleeding.

Hell's Kitchen, a servant and chef for lucifer, all these demons I'm feeding.

This might be contagious, please stop reading.

Do your emotions party? Like days they just decide to all meet up in your mind to dance?

This might end up being One of the expressions of my puzzled soul that comes off quite hard to understand

But then again, Life' s hard to understand. Simply amazing reflecting on the things I've been able to With stand.

To repeatedly flicker off the rains I stand under without anyone to stand with & keep faith that it's all part of a plan.

On any evening without invite, my emotions show up and dance. They slide and prance, & the ruckus from their foxtrot transforms to words that escape through my hands.

Words to script & they proceed to dance, and maybe one day I'll be dancing with them if I'm ever gifted the chance.

If not, it's okay, there has to be more to life than Romance, right?

Things that are more captivating than a bewitching glance, exceeding the rush of pulling down pants, some alternate force that can also add a bounce to my stance at night.

They tell us soul mates aren't fiction, that some day we'll all say "I do" & drown out cheering applause while we grasp that mate on marble floors doing the salsa.

Laughable, there couldn't be anything falser.

**I know I'll be dancing alone.

Three, three blind mice God once sent to me.

Wonderful angels that couldn't see all that I could see.

The third one I want her to see, to see that she's more special than she gives her self credit for, that she brings out the best in me.

& if she didn't believe it before this then I'll  just have to show her she's special going from A to Z.

She's completely Adorable like a baby the first time they taste a lemon thinking its a sweet fruit.

Excessively Beautiful, Sight dominating beauty that makes you wish there was never another sight you had to look to.

Her personality radiates a  gathering passion capable of making the coldest hearts turn Cupidity.

So daring in many ways, completely overly Dramatic at times but who isn't? One of the most dependable people I have there for me.  

Completely Essential, it wildly puzzles my mind how I managed to survive 20 years without her essence in life.

A mouth smarter than Sheridan at times, a attitude hotter than 99 degrees and 100% humidity, she's sure to make a Feisty wife.

She has a smile so attractive that's always Gleaming brighter than when you check your phone in the middle of the night and the brightness is on full blast.

Excessively Honest, almost to much sometimes, like when referring to my looks but nonetheless the type of honorable that makes relationships last.

I've never told her this but there's times when I glance at her & she looks nearly Identical Katrina Kaif, just more real & original, not some crafted photo.

She possesses a spirit that is perfectly Jovial. It's contagious & nurturing, my spirits seem to sink in a little every time she or I have to go.  

Foolishly Kindhearted, over willingly to give to the people she cares for and willing to forgive those she shouldn't.

Rarely a dull moment with her, she's so Ludic anytime I've tried to refrain from laughing at her I simply couldn't.

She's firmly Memorable, unforgettable like a first kiss, first car, or the first time you were asked to prom.

She's needed in our everyday nourishment, soulfully Nutritious, as much needed as a nap or a mom.

Contagiously Optimistic, her faith and positivity always rejuvenates me to make sure I keep that same faith she has in her life.

It is a gift to anyone to be able to look into her Prepossessing gaze, it's alluring like diamonds in her eyes.

Such a Quixotic woman, at least in my eyes. She herself might not agree but I think it would bring this out of the best of men.

Undeniably Royal, we must all bow to her, serve her hot chocolate & warm her blankets. I see no difference between her & the Monarchs they had back then.

Her hugs are Salubrious to the sick, healing & gifting strength and hope, a gift that has no price.

In life we can't trust many but she's undoubtedly well deserving of the label Trustworthy never will any relationship with her be rolling the dice.

Unique, but unique is an understatement. There are other Courtney's but there isn't another Courtney & if you knew her you catch my drift.

Any bleakness she experiences is like a Vociferousscreech to me and it becomes a priority to stop it, doing anything I can to help her mood shift.

An enjoyable kind of Weird, just different. I've had an off the wall friend in the past but she's gotta be 3x more enjoyable and outrageous as he was.

Personally, I hate her X, or anyone that has hurt her for that matter and I'll never forgive them even if she does.

Majestically Youthful, Courtney will mature through life but never age, in 60 years she'll still be running up and down WaWa aisles and I watch still disgusted from the comforts of my wheelchair.

The day she comes into anybody's life she makes that day their life's Zenith & I pray she's around for the rest of my years.

Three, three blind mice God once sent to me.

Wonderful angels that couldn't see all that I could see.

The second one I want her to see, I want her see that perfect formula God created her with that only she would be sharp enough to comprehend.

Just Loving her has made me smarter now than I was then.

I mean what do you do when, when your professors' intellect is inferior to that of one of your best friends.

Nothing, just be proud and open your ears to all the wisdom and essence they're giving out.

I mean I've always heard college students set goals but she's pouring shots of 4.0's & really living them out.

She's just fascinating, flawlessly respectful with unparalleled intellect; if I ever have a daughter for her to be just like you is what I'm wishing.

Someone this great shouldn't required to pay tuition.

Einstein, actually that's disrespectful, Einstein Einstein Einstein, I just felt like I needed to say that at least three times.

She's so brilliant she could probably construct better poems than me with equations and numbers and just make all the 3's rhyme.

I should be humble but my best friend is just better, just in case you're feeling yours.

If knowledge is the key she's consistently swinging open ceiling doors.

So proud to call you my friend, counting the days til it's been seven years cause they say if you're friends for seven you'll be friends for a lifetime.

& I need that, my life is a game of who wants to be a millionaire and my Valentine is my lifeline.

Three, three blind mice God once sent to me.

Wonderful angels that couldn't see all that I could see.

The first one I want her to see, I want her to see that she's a walking portrait, a paint brush capable of painting the darkest skies blue.

That men close their eyes and dreams come through, and when they imagine those dreams coming true, they always imagine they're standing next to a woman like you.

Can you see the appreciation I have for your mom? What if I told you your mom went into labor for me?

Can't help but feel like you being born was God doing a favor for me.

Pains enter my life, they're agonizing and tormenting, then you show up and they cease from getting worse.

I immediately feel better anytime we're together. God is the ultimate healer & you work side by side with him, as far as I'm concerned you're already a nurse.

Absolutely amazes me that you've never been appreciated and beloved on Valentine's Day, a great guy is something a girl like you should never be missing.

I guess it's true after all, the richest treasures spend the most time hidden.

I have open arms for you & just like Waffle House they're never closing.

& scratch everything else, single and alive when we're 25 my hands are tied and I'm proposing.

Because when I think of all the characteristics and qualities of a wonderful woman they all belong to you.

So who ever you may marry will be an athlete in the best of shape, a benefit of constantly running home to you.

I can never say that I picture us, does a picture really say a thousand things?

If so I'll dip a paint brush into the depths of my heart and paint a scene.

An alluring scene with a blank inspiring sky and tall firm translucent trees.

A picture showing the one thousand words I can't gather the courage to say and hope you look at this blank print & somehow know what I mean.

On a pain scale 1-10 death is a 0.

Zero for the deceased and a ten for breathing.
Appreciation at 1 when they come & always a
10 when we're forced to watch them leaving.

Days are numbered for us, for the people we love, & the plants that gift us breathe.
Would you still care? Would you still crave that job? Would that heart break still hurt if the clock was almost done ticking & you knew you were facing death?

A scratch wouldn't sting If it simultaneously occurred along with a stab.
The small joy of a giggle loses its stimulation when placed next to a stomach squeezing laugh.

More and Less, More or less? The words are meant to be a measure of the amount of things, or people, but in reality they are the enhancement and suppression of appreciation.
Ten dollars is appreciated until twenty is seen. Take someone who complains about asthma as if it's the worse curse & diagnose them with cancer, they'll suddenly forget asthma is even involved in the situation.

More or Less are just synonyms for Better and Worse. Better makes us blind and numb to what we have, those joys we already feel; introduce worse & we no longer need Better to see these blessings.
Everyday we count things, we count everything except for the things that count, lack of appreciation deprives us from making the days count, & then we wish we could have them back once begin stressing.

We always want more of anything pleasureful we recieve when it's really appreciation that should be given and received with repititon.

Life is a gift but More or Less makes us mortal, makes us ungrateful, & turns life into a competition.

The day we cease to appreciate our lives because we fall victim to the perception of More we start to live less and less, before you know it you've died while you're still breathing.

Ultimately we need pain. It teaches us to appreciate & ignore the more, we must hurt before we benefit it's like a baby teething.

**If you're alive, you're blessed, more or less.

looking for revenge.
Seems revenge found me.
All this punishment I gave out.
Then something came to ground me.
an eye for an eye leaves an even picture.
On one side cuts the other side stabs.
In life we're waiters and customers.
Give out the order and you'll pay the tab.

The warmth is coming, the chills are leaving.

Summer, summer on the way, this has always been my glorified season.

& although times can be deceiving, there are few things I ever feel I'm needing but that season is undoubtedly why my heart is beating.

With the months of June, July, and August I've made mistakes, had bad days, and on some of those warm days I've been completely bested.

But trials make for success, mistakes generate growth, and you can't expect to get a good grade without first being tested.

Class is out, and summer is session, I've passed the finals and greatly cherish the lessons, seems like I've been in winter my whole life, summer is my blessing.

Other seasons come along. Spring and fall but I feel no joy in the duration of them all, if it's not summer I find myself feeling sad still.

Like in March I still have that bad feel,  in April it's like I'm at a stand still, headaches three quarters of the year, Summer's my only Advil.

Life is full of lessons, full of struggles, obstacles, pains, and occurrences for which we sometimes never discover the true reason.

One day in my dream my Dad said "see son, see the sun" and I fell in love with a season.

She seems like the one one one one every time I hold her.
These doors are usually slow to open.
& the locks don't change for no one.
You're like track, I need you.
A golden finish line I can't wait to run to.
Girl you're the one & ive been picking twos.
Keys under the mat, Im in my room.
I know you need to run run run run, girl run over.

Like, why? It's gotta mean something.

I'm color blind except for blue.
Poisoned from staring at those eyes on you.
It's gotta mean something.

My hearts beating way too much.
It's like anesthesia when we touch.
That's gotta mean something.

If you're in pain I bruise.
You've untied my shoes.
It's gotta mean something.

When I dream my dreams true
They always come true next to you
That's gotta mean something.

"Man I can tell you that's love."
"It's not even like that bruh."
Why am I fronting?

I dream we're on tracks under the sun.
& your kiss is just like that gun.
It's gotten me running.

It's gotta mean something.
Still I've said nothing.
Silently suffering.

"Am I in love with you?" "Or am I in love with the feeling?"
Everytime I look at you, can't help but wonder what you're feeling.
Hidden thoughts come through, & the cloak that once hid them is peeling.
Don't know what to do, should love ever be a secret?
Your past is hurting you, and sometimes I swear I feel it.
When I look at you, I stare into a picture of you kissing me.
I will never speak the truth, what if all the magic's in the mystery?

You can't fly unless you let yourself fall.
Saying what we want to speak so badly is never the bad part but rather gathering the will to make the call.
If you want the rainbow you must deal with the rain.
Will you be able to truly appreciate pleasure if you've never experienced pain?
The lack of the worst would make the best also siese to exist.
Yes, Sure the first time you'll be nervous, overcome with fear, but by the third you'll have unshakable courage behind every kiss.
Must bleed to heal. Must be numb to grasp the thirst to feel. You must be uncomfortable a few times to know exactly where & why you fit.
Life is just one big college major & if you want to hold your degree you must endure the prerequisites.

Three hundred sixty eight**, that's how many tears Iv'e watched descend from those titian eyes.

My warmth usually bakes her pains as I count her tears and scream silent prayers louder than her cries.

Dear Lord won't you curse her with an eternal smile, one that glints so brightly she'll look in the mirror & know he's not worth it, that one bad grade doesn't mean it's the end.

Are blessings possessions? Could I sign the rights to mine over to her Lord? because I'm so tired of watching life agonize my best friend.

To Love someone is to share a heart.

Last night I heard the Devil talking in my head.

He said it's an emergency.
Said he had some words for me.
He told me when the wicked speak, it's his breath that projects their frosty voices.
That everytime I've lost someone, he was the advisory behind their fatal choices.
He told me he generously opens wallets, doors, legs, we shouldn't go through.
That we do exactly what he desires us to do.
& Everytime we set that fire to our souls,
He gets high off the smoke.
Maybe you don't believe in God & you're reading this thinking, man he's so dumb.
& although I respect anyone's beliefs, can you just answer me this, where else would the evil come from?
A child doesn't seek to cause pain, to deceive, lie, or steal, they learn it from us after awhile.
& if there's no Devil, no origin of evil, how'd it get here? Who taught the first child?
These questions deteriate my mind. So maybe it's me, Being a good person is out of style, I'm the only one that seems to have the nerve.
Funny, we say we Love God but we lie more than truth. Hurt more than heal. Steal more than give. If we're doing all the things the Devil wants us to do, then who do we really serve?

My cousin has threw his life away, I whept heavily because maybe it's partly my fault, & although I said for him to do better, my voice was soft as powder.

The Devil doesn't whisper, he doesn't stop speaking, & we must yell our love to the ones we love because right now he's talking louder.

**I hear him.

Isnt it amazing? We feel missing someone more than them being at our side.

The anguish of their absence invades our dreams & they're in our thoughts well before we even open our eyes.

Why aren't smiles more powerful than cries?

Because pain demands to be felt but you have to make the choice to feel your happiness or not, & you should soak it all up if you're wise.

We're only human, we're flawed, & those flaws cause us to lose humans who's flaws are invisible to our eyes.

I see others with pencils & mine is always a pen. I never get another write to make it right, why can't I be one of the ones that gets two tries?

Souls that don't ache are always advising that we simply "open up more."
There's not a single band-aid on your body, how could you know what's it's like to fear love sores?
I do, so I cower in my shell, well my eyes shut, and slam, lock, blockade all doors.
But of course, it never really helps. New love sneaks in through the window cracks & the tears ooze their way out through my skin's pores.

My friend caught me laughing whilst crying.
He said "umm are you going insane?"
"Dear friend, have a seat.
Let me tell you this funny thing about pain.
When you're hurting your senses swirl
And sooner than later everything sounds the same.
Like, "I love You" sounds just like "There's someone else."
The roses they bring you are bewitching, but lean in and a stranger's scent is all you'll smell.
I mean, yes they'll carress you like it's the first time, but your replacement is all you'll feel.
Confusion will paint illusions, soon all happy sights your mind is refusing & you can't see what's real.
& taste? Dear friend, The ultimate bitter is taste.
It's like collapsing & dropping your time casserole; all you can do is stare down, what a waste.
So I know you're confused as you stare at my bright smile as my eyes are running.
But to be honest with you, I'm puzzled, I can't quite decipher if it hurts or its funny."

We're all one heartbreak away from insanity.

Why is it the person who is considered the best ever, is never alive?
We're not truly appreciated until after we've died.

What if what you feared was always here?
Pain must be felt once it's there.
Where will you run to if there's only one where?
We try so heavily to avoid the inevitable because we're scared.
To embrace is to defeat, to conquer and adhere.
The cure to death is to live, the cure to hurt is to feel, to trust like the cuts were never there.
I know the pain & the failure, can make ****** minutes & depressing seconds feel like years.
We must stop hiding & open our vision to a world where we're encased in our fears.
I shall walk by Faith and not by sight with Belief in my tears and hope in my ears.
We are awake when everyday we see our fears.
I see hell everywhere.

Caution, not perfection. Caring, considerate, there's so much kindness we're meant to live out.
Imagine if we had to feel all the pain we give out.

so close in distance.
Hearts so far away.
imperfections & chasing, I miss it.
Stars I wish on begin to shine grey.

Loud cries you'll never hear.
You hate me & I hate your gone.
The Sound dies and you're never here.
I can't fight any longer, you've won.

Whats good news without your cheers & laughter?
Nothing. Just good days with restless nights.
You pray & I pray that I'm allowed to be your prayers answer.
I've lost my essence, a naked spruce that's been snatched of it's Christmas lights.

always send extra prayers to the people engulfed in struggles, people who's status doesn't show that they work so hard.
For I know so well the feeling of faith depleting struggles, pain that makes you interrogate life, & trials that make the weak plead there is no God.
Believe me when I say a life, a person, with more valuable things does not give that life more value than the one you posses.
I've laid in a house with two parents and 7 brothers where there weren't enough beds to rest, over time some died, some left, insurance money gets a bigger house & inside it seems like we have less.
For a home is not appraised by the value of the structure, but the Love inside.
So don't be in a rush to fit in with the rich kids. Not  to say they're all negative spirits but sometimes money can make people forget that true Friendship is the most expensive ride.
For the Bible says if it fails it wasn't Love & the evidence of false Love based on earthly standards is all around us, look at celebrity relationship perhaps.
Celebrities dating celebrities & rarely regular people. It never works because a false love relying on money, fame, and status as its base isn't true and is always sure to collapse.
Guess in life, or At least how I see it, when I'm struggling the people around me are so genuine & the more successful I become the more people want to take and no one wants to give.
In the beginning was flesh and elements, family and fellowship, status was non-existent and Love was the only currency we needed to live.

If you walk in my room you'll see candles, flames burning next bibles.  
An accurate symbolization of my life, destruction so close to survival .
They say that the messiah is coming, will you run to or from at the sight of his arrival?  
Our people have become so obsessed with being out front they've forgotten, to lead you must first be a disciple.

When life gives you Lemons be thankful because nobody in life is going to give you anything, not even lemons.

“Let me rescue you. I can see the truth. I can see right through the pain.”
The simple sight of you is soothing and that gift shouldn’t be hidden by tears running down your face.
To invest effort is to accept risk and even though your emotional stock has crashed your effort doesn’t go unnoticed.
You bought into a corporation that had no intention of reaching a partnership & you feel bad because you’re seemingly the only one that didn’t know this.
In agony you elude all conversation of investment because you simply desire to forget; you don’t want to hear that name no more.
You piece together astounding outfits to venture to bars and cloak the ache with a smile. You smile at me and hope I don’t witness liquor doesn’t numb the pain no more.
Shot. Shot. Shot. Emotional bullets are released to parallel the attempt of intoxicating wounds as you cry out for healing and memory absence.
As you scan social media it torments your mind & so everything good said about love gets your rejection whilst everything bad said gets your acceptance.
A tree never ceases to be a tree, the apple that plunges from it will always be an apple, cotton will always be cotton, regardless of the time or condition it will continue to be even and soft.
All that is beautiful in life is consistent, Love is the most beautiful and consistent existence in life, so how could Love ever be considered something that is on & off?
Sometimes we can become so devoured and muddled by what we want, we forget what we deserve resulting in us being hurt & that’s life, that okay to be.
“Take a look at me, I promise I will be, all the things that you wanted him to be.”

I wrote this in Five minutes because I've thought about you long enough to know what I want to say.

You might feel like no one understands but I've felt anquish to, I've seen effort turn invisible to, & I understand why you walk that way.

Skies you intended for sunshine fall victim to games and tearful lies. You find out things that feel like lightening through your heart and that pain has torn you.

Just thought I'd inform you, you're not a lone survivor for I've been in that storm to.

I myself have made it out but if you've ever been in a storm you know it's meaningless to be safe unless you know the people you care for are warm to.

When you make it out remember effort is a prerequisite to be worthy so even though your heart is the greatest gift worthy is the one who takes the initiative to steal it.

So I take my emotions and think of the most powerful actions to reveal it because words are just words until someone else feels it.

I feel like one day I'll be the best Poet Alive.
Strange because the best Poet is never alive.
Why is it we're only appreciate after we've died?

Sins stack to compose the guest list.

Constantly attending Numbed parties because mistakes, tears, and guilt, aren't easy things to rest with.

Demons

Mysteries of life, like the desire to be Prince Charming, like that princess that wants to be his perfect woman.

What we desire to be can never be realized, Perfection can never be paralleled, How do you not hurt yourself or them but still be human?

Demons with me

We all Lock skeletons away, is to hide our past & our mistakes deceit? Haunted by the past, when I do right I hear them laughing.

I am now what you deserve. The chamber to my past never open or you'll bare witness to pain, selfishness, & highs that are never lasting. A ball room drenched in regret  & we farce carelessly laughing.

Demons with me Dancing

I think it means something when you crave to speak to someone when the world is silent, When the stars are bright & there isn't much to do.

I think it means something that you own my thoughts, that to hug you feels like holding my dreams, that I wake up to many notifications & I just hope one of them is from you.

I think it means something that I can see how special you are, that I can see your unparalleled beauty exudes much deeper than just physical attraction.

I think it means something that I can see what you have to offer & what you deserve. Stars sing about angels like you, poets they write about you at 5am & you deserve to be loved overwhelmingly beyond levels of satisfaction.

Seems we can unintentionally hurt the people that matter the most just by simply trying to enjoy life.

Confusion envelops my pleasures, what is Joy if not shared with someone cherished but yet to lie them under the knife?

The distance between us seems unconquerable as time trots backward and I agonize on shores clutching my chest where you once laid.

Irrational optimism assists my pain as the Aegean flows as a sea of regret from my eyes & I dive into my tears hoping to once again hold my mermaid.

Father I Love you dearly with all my heart.

Its like I can never stop, everyday is another mistake, another imperfection. Another start.

Forgive me Again.

Hallucinogens ingested to my flesh for reasons I couldn't name & the higher I become the further I feel away from you.

Meaningless flings are selected for evenings one in the same & I dive into eternal fires for pleasures only to hope you'll bring me through.

Forgive me Again.

I couldn't tell you why I make these mistakes but the ones with the heaviest burdens are the ones that bring harm to another temple other than my own.

But then again it is not mines to own. I am yours, & she is yours, they are yours, & I know there's no way to retrieve that pain from the mind of your child once she's hurt and gone.

Forgive me Again.

In my mind rests so many words of repent, of remorse and regret that never went through.

Times where it's been just Me for you, & I wish I could've explained how terrorized I am by the idea of living with another someone to lose.

Traumatic memories can lead to irrational caution, repellant actions that seemingly can't be prevented or contained.

Flashes of past nightmares during my happiest days, guess the losses of my Dad, brother, and cousin led me to push away sunshine filled companionship for lonesome walks in the rain.

My impulsive actions are precaution of loss, can't allow another person to mean so much to me, cause I don't think I can withstand another cut to my core that deep, it's still sore.

So because of that I feel less and fear Lord. Give myself excuses like "her parents made more." "What would she even look my way for?" Victim of my own my mind, holding my inner gentlemen captive to free an ******* and I push away the same girls I used to pray for.

Even though Bella's fingers fitted in between mines as if that's what they were made for.

I know there's no way to take away the pain I've inflicted just like I still feel the pain of my own losses.

Mature enough now to realize my methods were addled by fear & emotion, & if I knew where you were Kennedy I'd tell you how sorry I am, realizing that it was selfish of me to vacate unannounced just to be cautious.

Tears always consume me thinking about the well being of Imani & if it's my fault. Blunts darken your bright soul, stress has dampened your smile & I'm so sorry my behavior made me inconsiderable to come dry tears.

I'd tell Ariel she made me forget my fears, that everyday I counted the piercings in your ears, that my reaction was pure caution after discovering you had kissed him, & I felt a pain as if I had held you in your bed for years.

I'd apologize to Rachel just because, just for the mix up in a terrible time for her. Id tell Amanda that I forgive her for playing with my mind, for saying she wasn't ready to move on & then kissing him in a club. Guess she'd say I got attached to quick in attempt to sucker me.

But I'm proud of that due to my often and recent inability to attach at all, & I regret the day  Abbie looked me in my eyes only to see I couldn't say I loved her too, that no matter how many times she lifted me to my feet I couldn't force my heart to give her that luxury.

Every night when my spirits are low & my eyes close to watch horrors,  I just feel the tears in my soul filling up from the hearts I've broken because mines lay in fractions.

So to them all, the Angels sent to me as I stumble through hell looking for the next hand to guide me, my deepest apologies for the ache, for time lost, & any unjustified distraction.

Motivation & ambition will lead you to ascend to levels where you're put around guys that are handed things you earn & the women are far to pretentious.

False salvation, better circumstances often lead to worse people, more obstacles, & being enveloped by spirits heavily tainted by blood of the innocent & the witness.

Oil simply doesn't mix with water, in this same concept genuine and artificial will never blend.

So your mind don't lose, everyone hates to lose, but it's a disguised victory if you ever lose a pretend friend with impertinent ends.

Tell the young boys flaws equate to reality & organic Love. Beware the Barbie dolls with perfect smiles that aquire happiness by spitting on and walking over the less fortunate.

But who am I to stop them from seeing for themselves? Who am I to stop them from seeing these girls on TV, working hard to get here, to get them, & realize their values you just can't override & soon your unconsciously forcing it

Perfection by definition is irrational to exist in the flesh but yet that's what she fancies herself, from physical appearance, intellect, to how she Loves.

All these "perfections" glamorized to hide the flaws she knows exist. Ms. Perfect Is that perfect Trust?

Tell me Ms. Perfect, Ms. Mommy's money, how are you so much better than us?

The value of a person runs much deeper than attractions, far beyond the material things, & I feel by now you've seen this, your last man cheated on you, probably with someone who embraces their imperfections, guess you weren't  "perfect" enough.

Ouch, I know you felt that just now. Low blow I know & you have the audacity to ask "why?"

In your mind someone like myself is so below you, it's kind of impossible for me to hit you up high.

Today I realized I was to small, to unknown, to middle class to fit in with the perfect smiles, the perfects weights, the people I thought kindness would be enough to yield their friendship.
In life we average people work hard to make a better life for ourselves. Sadly, no matter how well mannered or kind you are, despite how thoughtful you are, net worth & social status decides who these people are friends with.
They will hint jokes at the car you slaved and saved to buy yourself because it just doesn't quite shine as bright as the cars Mommy and Daddy bought them.
They were taught to smile bright, look good, and reach for the people who have value not people who will value them & these values say less about them and more about the people that taught them.
I guess that's why they smile in each other's faces and come to me to trash the people they were just pretending to love and care for so vigorously.
I guess that's why they tell lies without reasonable Premise, see they know the prices of material things, & know the names of the people who shine on Game Day & If you don't fall into those categories you're worthless to these people, literally.
Everything is perfect this. Everything has to be perfect that, & if you're a person with flaws you embrace especially those of the financial origin there's no place for you in their, well, I don't even know if I can say they even hearts.
If they do truly have hearts though you'll be sure to hear them complain about it being broken, because they're foolish enough to think they can just enter someone's life at the glorious finish & not care a single bit about the struggles in the start.

Every day when I stare into those eyes that capture my soul & silence my worries I wonder just what might be on your mind?
If I were somehow able to get pass that heavily secured guard you have around your heart what would I find?
Do you see the future flashes of me holding you so tight i don't have the room to stray, so close that to let you go would mean to let go of my self?
Do you see those same fall sundays in sweats grocery shopping & I'm just happy being dragged around like your puppet just to pick items off of really high shelves?
Have you ever wondered like I do what it might be like if we were to kiss, and kiss again until we could no longer feel our lips but instead our soul passionately clinching each other ?
I lay every night and wonder if you see the things I dream about, concerts where you stare at lights and i stare at you or lake days where I hold you tight while your teeth shutter.
When we're around them, when we're at pool parties and I have to act like I don't love you, like I don't hate guys hitting on you, can you see the desire to be yours in my eyes?
When I look at you and walk away, when i hug you and let go quickly, when I call you my friend, can you tell that these actions are all lies?
I guess I have so many questions that I'm bringing, but it seems it does matter if I'm sleeping or I'm drinking, whether I'm sweating my energy out on a track or singing, everyday, all day, I just can't but wonder what you're thinking?

Starting to believe I wasn't I meant for loving.

Everyone I care for, the emotion ends up being evicted & the population reduced to nothing

I sit the ones that love me on a slide and push until they can't hold on or sit any longer.

I see the ones I love at the bottom of hopeful slides & fall irresponsibly, faster and faster, the feeling getting stronger and stronger.

Now here I am again, loving another, loving you, & you don't want that, another smile I must part ways with.

I sit on a playground, laying in a sand box of my hearts sediments dampened by my tears, can't believe it took me this long to realize Love probably isn't the best thing to play with.

In my Dreams I see scenes I haven't experienced, I remember what I so wish to live & I miss nonexistent times.
My soul is now nourished by a mature heart, my actions overseen by a mind that lacks a bad intention, & my being aches for something which for there is a distant line.
As I sleep I see her & I miss her. My dear friend, I one day fell lost into the moon light gleaming on your face & stood ardently found in your chestnut eyes.
When I hold your hand I can feel my chest in your palm, as your breathe calms my heart races, & I feel the pain you carry from your past, & my eyes bathe in your cries.
You said you were scared to lose me, & just when I thought we couldn't be anymore similar I learned we share a common fear.
Friend or Lover, In the flesh or spiritually, your presence, your aura is one my being requests daily for emotional nutrition & no premise will ever exist to keep me from being here.
When I laugh with you my troubles become silent, my worries are the softest of whispers & my joys howl ferociously a pleasure that demands to be heard & one so true.
The day I stared into your eyes under wonderland painted concert lights in a moment to be cherished I felt myself die Only to be reborn, only to tell God I couldn't stay, that I had to come back, come back for you.

I couldn't point to the reason that you consume my thoughts when the sun goes down.

So mysterious is my desire to have your time, regardless if it's genuine return of interest or just the run around.

Your smile, that smile, precisely resembles the overwhelment of staring at waters so crystal clear the blurriest of views shutter no longer.

Your laugh, your voice, so tranquil my legs lose their brawn, my voice cowards behind my amazement & I feel my joy flourish stronger

I just thought you should know that you amaze me. That my eyes become frustratingly fatigue when I try to see the flaws you claim to have, those absent flaws no one else can see.

I just thought you should know, friend, or more. Whether we're sharing laughs or beds. Your uniqueness is eternal, your beauty goes unparalleled, and no matter what we ever are, you're surely a blessing to me.

Everyone should have a friend as prodigious as you atleast once in their lifetime, & I can see the pain you hold back from those who let you go unknowingly discharging a gift.

When ever you need a chest made pillow, a patient hand to dry tears, or just ears that don't judge and understand the language of scars; I will be ready to use the strength you give me to give your spirits a lift.

"Can't fly unless you let yourself fall"
Meaning God's blessings can't get to you if you imprison yourself behind a regretful wall

If you want to a see a view, a peak, you have to be willing to run uphill & stumble sometimes.
I'm inspired every time me and you speak, & even though I can't tell what will, I know no one can get to you if you hide behind those rubbled love lines.

I see your call for help
I see your cry for assistance.
& unlike your past friends
I promise not to miss it.
I see your tears fall into the seas
I hear you cry and beg please.
I see sharks surround you
Through your heart, out your soul bleeds.
I will offer the last of my will.
Give the last of my strength, anything I can do.
I'll save you & say goodbye.
& when you open your eyes to my memory you'll know you always came before anything else because I was drowning too.

Suns descend, Moons rise & the moment my chamber becomes dark I'm again trapped in this puzzling, and tormenting box.
My wrists hand cuffed and bound by my insecurities & questions I won't accept the answer to, unable to sleep at night I'm always policed by my own thoughts.
Statements that once seemed so true are interrogated by my lack of trust & begin to sweat drops of lies and betrayal.
My goals are set in the horizon of a seemingly endless hallway and I find myself kneeling, sheltering my ears from the terrorising sounds of people hoping for me to fail.
A raging tycoon sweeps through my mental hamlet & I always just want you to hear the storm, for you to know your own storms are not uncommon, that you can trust me, or you should.
But you don't care to listen to me let alone trust me enough to let me comfort you with your own aches and Demons whisper me to me "you're unworthy, for her you're just no good."
I would love to go to sleep imagining perfection, A fairytale world where my goals aren't far away, & we have conversations where trust and comfort is abundant to where there aren't any problems to be relevant.
But sadly, my mind doesn't operate that way. Doubts in my mind tell me I'm not good enough, I'm not close enough, doubts enforced by my own logic & I seem doomed to serve a life sentence in a dungeon composed of my own thoughts, a prisoner of my own intelligence.

It heavily burdens my heart when I see people neglect and disrespect their parents.
Do you know the pain you'd feel if you were forced to live without them? No? Let me share it.
In a hospital that feels more Siberian than the rest, you feel your chest flood with boiling fluid & it feels like the entire world is sitting on your shoulders.
A pain you are coerced to endure, at the time of introduction the idea of it eventually passing seems impossible & you begin to wish your life was over.
That's pain because I'm absolutely petrified of death, I have panic attacks of my eyes closing never to gaze at daylight another day.
At this moment all fear vacates your core because you realize there is no greater threat in this realm greater than losing a parent this way.
Parent, Parent, I stress parent because this is someone that didn't just conceive you but raised you, structured your essence and identity with love poured into hard labor.
So when you're yelling at your mom for some foolish petty thing, earthly things in life that don't even matter, imagine staring at her with pain thriving in her soul and knowing there's not a thing you can do to save her.
Imagine having siblings, Seven older than you, all criminals and the worse of badly influenced adolescences. Imagine them all dropping out, nobody older than you graduates high school.
Imagine looking up to this at the age 13 & 14 selling drugs, carrying pistols and walking over people, inviting violence because to you this is what the ones you looked up to made seem cool.
Imagine how disappointed a God fearing father is of his sons, that they aren't off to colleges to glorify his name & bring joy and pride to his heart.
& imagine all of your siblings on the streets poor or in the confinements of jail, and you yourself gang affiliated when it's time for his soul to part.
Imagine staring into their eyes and regretting every argument, every disrespectful phrase, & you would give all these things up you thought you wanted just for them to have one more day.
Imagine your savior, your angel laying decaying and they feel no pain toward their own existence but the only thing that troubles them is will their babies be okay?
Imagine God stepping into your life, placing you in a better environment, purifying your heart, you become kind, loving, respectful, intelligent, everything your dad dreamed of, you bust your *** to be it.
Imagine being the first of his kids to graduate, imagine signing a division 1 scholarship, imagine being the first in the family ever to go to college & becoming an
All-American and your biggest supporter, biggest fan, the person that gave you the life you live isn't even there to ******* see it!
If all this isn't enough pain for you to realize how much you should cherish your parents, how you should appreciate any day spent with them over some meaningless party, how disrespect should never be catapulted in their direction, & how if it is you should immediately apologize.
You'll soon wake up and look at life different & cherish every single person you care about, cause on top of the pain you're experiencing at the loss of a parent, your pain will be oh so amplified when you have to hold the other parent for months and years whipping tears from their eyes.

"Losing a Parent" -Dash Pinder

Say you're on your way. The wait is unbearable.
Say you'll cherish me only. Say your heart is unshareble.
"Say you'll be mine.
Say we'll be fine.
Say we'll be together.
Selfish of me to ask since I'd be the reason we don't last forever."
I hear your voice in songs. A voice that's never blessed my ears.
I feel your hugs, mild hugs I've dreamed about throughout my coldest years.
Where are you? Please Send the location.
****** the keys to my heart, free my soul & and rescue me from this emotionless probation.
Have you been hurt like me? Is it weird The most beautiful things on you are your scars?
Could I grasp you admittedly close to my being as we lay on our band-aids & gaze up at stars?
In Dreams you're all I see. Fantasies of a we. Prematurely feeling something that has to be.
I've paid the price for happiness, I've handled the heaviest of baggages & I wait patiently for the day God ships & delivers you to me.

Cuts heal & remain visible
At times you may not even feel kissable.
Latch on to faith.
in the line you're last so that it lasts, just wait.
truth hurts, but lies don't heal.
is it still a sin if it's your heart I intend to steal?
I'll gladly bite the fruit for you
you badly fight the truth, poor you.
Accept the pain, welcome the deceite.
To let them continue to hurt you is to accept defeat.
Stare at the angel in the mirror.
Release past demons & be born again purer.
you feel damaged. I see a soul seasoned.
It's usually the pains in life that come with the heaviest reasons.
stress no longer, ache no more.
Pack up the tears, & walk out the door.
One day you wake up & your hearts no longer sore.
I know this because ever since I've laid eyes on you, mines aches no more.

I could no longer persuade myself to endure the pain.
I would drive a knife through my soul until it pierced the coldest edges of my heart so it would never beat again.
In my mind laid inestimable secrets, knowledge that bled from my romantic wounds & It would be selfish to carry this jewel with me to the journey above.
Previously abandoned by the soul I should be with, I felt my essence had been stolen, & as I laid on arctic rose peddles dying I now knew the answer to her repetitive question, "What is Love?"
Love is a gamble, a casino incased by a plethora of overwhelming emotions in which bets are not negotiable, you have to be all in.
You either win treasures you've only witnessed in fantasies or lose all that is you & fall into the darkest corners of your most horrendous nightmares & watch your spirit deplete from within.
Love is going to a restaurant & saying you're not hungry because you only have enough money for her to get every thing she wants to eat.
It's gazing upon God's greatest gift to me, drowning in those chestnut eyes, & to be hungry no more because the sight of her bliss is a taste that indescribably sweet.
Love is sitting and watching Pretty Little Liars when the second round of the NBA playoffs is on with the largest of attitudes & her happiness overwrites your own distaste.
It's not caring who's around, staring into her eyes like seeing my first car for the first time & never wanting to look away, to feel no shame to express my affection and gratitude for her in any place.
Love is a change of currency in which forgiveness becomes more valuable than pride, & sometimes even forgiveness isn't enough to cover the debt. Love truly is a gamble that can leave your pockets, soul, and amorous heart sore.
The absence of love can lead you to desire an absence from life, with knife in hand & tears of aura descending from my eyes I drive the blade through my aching heart & Strange, it hurts no more.

Love is.. -Dash Pinder