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2.3k · Feb 2017
Phoenix Feb 2017
I like the idea of Slim Shady
Eminem's alter ego
I like the idea because I can relate
I understand

I believe everyone
Has an alter ego
A worse version of themselves
That tears at them from the inside
Even though some people
Don't acknowledge it

I've been listening to Eminem quite a bit
My favorite song
Is My Darling
Because half way through the song
Eminem fights with his demon

Granted, I've never been in most of the situations
That he dealt with
I've never had an abusive mother
I've never had a drug problem
I've never had an alcohol problem

But I have dealt with inner demons
I hear a dark and angry voice in my head

Eminem fascinates me
He tells his story
Through his words
He expresses his pain
His anger
His love
His hate

When you really think about it
How is rap much different than poetry?
I think it's similar
Rap tells a story
Rap expresses emotions
Rap speaks the artist's truth
That they couldn't say any other way
Rap is a form of slam poetry
In my opinion
The difference is
Rap has a beat

Maybe that's why
Eminem inspires me so much
Maybe it's because I understand the pain
Of hearing the inner demon
Always screaming in your ear
Telling you these lies
Trying to force you into things
Trying to trick you into your old ways

I'm probably not the only one
But I don't really care
Because it doesn't really matter

I will continue to be inspired
About how brutally honest his words are
About how he's not afraid
To say what he thinks
How he's not afraid to tell his story
No matter how hard it may be

Slim Shady fascinates me
Eminem inspires me
And Marshall Mathers understands me
1.7k · May 2016
Happy Mother's Day
Phoenix May 2016
How do I express my affection,
For the person who loves me most?
Buy a ring?
Or a necklace
And flowers?

But what's the point of that?
Rings get lost
Necklaces forgotten
And flowers die

But what oh what,
Do I do for you?
A cheesy card?

Chocolates don't last
And cards are discarded
So they won't do
For the magnificent you

What do I do,
For someone as great as you?
You're one of my best friends
You care for me when I'm sick
And hold me when I cry

You laugh at my corny jokes
And random thoughts
You smile at my silliness
And sometimes play along

You listen to my stories
The good ones
And not so great ones

You sacrifice so much for me
It really ain't that fair
For me to act like
I don't even care

You've combed my hair
And picked my clothes
Washed my belly
And my toes

You've loved me
Since even before you had me
And worked so hard to care for me

You found a wonderful man
To help raise me
With you
And he's doing a really good job too

You are a wonderful person
And an even better mom
I wouldn't trade you for the world
You really are "da bomb"

You've made your mistakes
And I've made mine
But all through out time
You're my partner in crime

This poem is getting long
And I guess it will have to do
Even if it doesnt describe
The perfectly wonderful you

Happy Mother's Day mom
I hope you know
You really do mean the world to me
And that I really do love you
I know it's a little early but I've got to get it off my phone before my mother sees it. Hope she likes it!
1.6k · Nov 2015
Source of Pain
Phoenix Nov 2015
How do you find
The source of pain?
It's not like
It's screaming my name

So many things
Try to take the fame
For causing me
The most pain

My ex boyfriend
Is a manipulative *****
Who thinks he knows
What's best for me

My mother is sick
But slowly getting better
Even without
A doctor to help her

I am in love
With my best guy friend
But I'm afraid
Because of my ex boyfriend

My real dad
Is an *******
But if you ask him
He'll deny it

I guess somehow,
It's all my fault...

I should have listened about my ex

I should be grateful my mom is getting better

I should know to trust my best friend not to hurt me

I should learn my father won't change

But it's all the same
They still cause me pain
I wish you could see
What it's all doing to me
1.4k · Dec 2016
Hamster Wheel
Phoenix Dec 2016
I always thought
The tiny little creatures
That we call hamsters
Were adorable
When they run on the tiny wheel

That is
Until I realized that
I'm the hamster
Running, running, running
But going nowhere

My anxiety propels me
To run, run, run
My instinct is to run away
But, just like the small creature
It just loops around me

I push it away
And it gets worse
And it just snowballs
Growing bigger

And bigger


Then I'm stuck
Spinning so fast
On this hamster wheel
Round and round and round

I'm going faster than the speed of light
And I can't process things
But I brought this upon myself
By thinking, I could run away in the first place


I am so stupid
I have a mental illness
And it's not going away
No matter where I run

It's like a small child
Clinging to my leg for dear life
No matter what I do
That **** thing is with me

I can tell
That people are getting sick of me
I feel it
A feeling I'm all too familiar with
This is the feeling
That tells me to prepare for the storm
Because they are getting ready to leave

Just like a hamster
It's cute at first
But the squeaky wheel
Slowly drives one insane
And it's not so cute anymore

At first
People pitied me
As they tried to help me
But I continue
To use my anxiety
As a reason for my dysfunction
And it's driving everyone insane

At this point
I want to shut down
Stick a knife in my temple
And **** my brain
So I can think
But I won't
Because I have WAY too much to live for

So my next best option
Is to shut people out
And get the **** done


Because that's what I'm best at

It was stupid to ask for help
In a war against myself
That no one else sees
Because that's what pushes people away

They see me
For the monster I actually am
With my constant anxiety
And horrible depression
And they get overwhelmed
And leave

So the best thing I can do
Is lock this up
Put on a happy face
And pretend nothing is wrong
Lik I've done for almost 17 years now

I can't lose more people
I just can't handle the heartbreak
And I'm afraid
That my catastrophic brain
Will slowly destroy
The relationships I've worked so hard to build

So here I go
Just gotta hold my breath
Hold my head up high
And pretend I'm okay
Because that's the only way
To fight this impossible war

Fake it until you make it

1.3k · Oct 2017
Phoenix Oct 2017
What does this mean?
What does it mean to trend?
Do I make an impact?
Do I make a difference?

The empty poems
The ones that mean nothing

The passionate ones
The ones that mean everything

Why do they trend?
What makes them loved?
Do I make a difference?

Why do I inspire you?
Why do I move you?
I don't understand
I really don't understand
1.1k · Sep 2016
Bittersweet Mentality
Phoenix Sep 2016
What a sick game
A game of chess I can't seem to win
I'm a pawn
Being moved back and forth
But no matter where I go
It's a checkmate

I'm so close to the edge
I'm looking into the pit of depression
I know he's down there
He's always down there

Here I stand
On the edge
Even with the knowledge of his destruction

What a bittersweet mentality
Things are so sweet and peaceful
Then it suddenly tastes bitter in my mouth

My words turn into cement
Closing my throat
And suffocating me

So close to the edge
I can see over the pit
I can see the other side
But I'm afraid to jump
I'm afraid to go for it
Because of this bittersweet mentality

I'd get there
To the other side
And I'd be happy
But then I'd fall
Fall into the deepest, darkest pits of depression

So I stay on this side
Trying to find away across
Pacing back and forth
Like a pawn on a chess board
Trying to solve an endless puzzle

I feel like I'm about to fall
But I'm fighting
I feel like I'm going to lose
But I know I'm going to win

I won't let this bittersweet mentality
Rule my life anymore
I'll get through this
By myself
Or with the help of those around me

I will get through this

No thanks to my bittersweet mentality
1.1k · Mar 2016
True Terror
Phoenix Mar 2016
I don't think you get it
The feeling of true terror

The stomach drop
The sharp knife
Going through your chest
And coming out of your back

True terror
Is something I've never felt before

Not until now

My mind filled with 'What if's'
What if he hurts my babe?
What if he hurts me?
What if he's out for revenge?
What if he tries to go after my friends?

My throat is tight
TRUE terror

What if
What if
What if

Who do I talk to?
Classmates understand
They warned my babe
Told him to watch out
Protect me

But I don't want that
I don't want him to do that
I don't want him to get hurt
Because of me
I could never forgive myself

What about everyone else
My squad
My friends
My family

They could get hurt
Because of me

But maybe he won't do anything
Maybe he won't be a threat
Maybe I'm over dramatic
Maybe I'm over reacting

I know that's what daddy would say
I know that's what mama would say
I know that's what little brother would say

Did I do something to cause this
Was there something I could have done
To prevent any of this
Or am I just being stupid

People say I'm innocent
That it's all on him
But I'm actually terrified
That I caused it to be my fault

It's been almost a ******* year
And a 5 minute video can hurt me
How can this happen

This ******* *****
This stupid 5 minute video
Brought me terror

True terror
942 · Sep 2016
More Pills
Phoenix Sep 2016
Sad all the time?
Here's a pill

Self contious about your weight?
Take a pill

Over anxious?
Pills all around

Slept too much?
A pill will help

Didn't sleep?
A pill will solve that

When will society
Get it through their thick skull
That pills won't solve everything

Sure they help
I'm not saying they don't
But they can't solve EVERYTHING

I'm severely depressed
I'm extremely anxious

So they give me pills
Little pills
Big pills
Different shapes
Different colors

I still feel empty
I still feel hollow
No matter how many drugs
These doctors force feed me

I'm so accustomed to it
My body shuts down
If I miss a day's doseage
I'm so accustomed to it

I have to remind myself
Almost everyday
That all these pills
Aren't magic pills
They won't magically cure me
No matter how much I long for it

I started this path
2, almost 3, YEARS ago
Yet I'm still here
At the bottom of the pit
No hope
No faith

So many stupid pills
So much false hope
So much anger
And depression
And anxiety

They may help you
They may help him
And her

But they don't help me
I feel like I'm immune
Like my mental state
Built a wall so thick
That even drugs can't help me

Now when I say pills
And drugs
I don't mean illegal stuff
I don't mess with that
I mean the prescriptions
Doctors write to get paid

I follow the rules
All the directions
And my heart is still chained

I'm so sick of this
It feels like a game
Like a giant lie
That doctors tell me
So they can make money

"Take this and you'll feel better."

"That didn't work?
     Try this one."

"Lets up the dosage.
    And add this pill."

"Have three more pills
    on top of those two."

"Take all of these pills
     twice a day.
         With food."

"It's very important you take it."

I have to take all your pills
So I can be 'normal'
So I can be happy
And fit into your broken society

It's such a twisted game
A joke so funny
I forgot to ******* laugh

**** your pills
***** your problem solving
You can't fix me
With all the worthless, expensive, pills
898 · Dec 2015
Bad Guy
Phoenix Dec 2015
I'm sick of being the bad guy
The pain
And torture

I'm sick of being the bad guy
In all the roles I play
Life is just a movie
And I'm always to take the blame

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Always at the end of the gun
Words being my enemy

The words are as sharp as knives
Feel like the bite of a bullet

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Who isn't ever good enough

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Feeling pathetic
With every word I say

I'm sick of being the bad guy

I'm sick of being the bad guy

I'm so SICK of being the bad guy

Is it time to change roles yet
When can I save someone
Instead of destroy them

I want to bring hope
Not despair

People say
I'm not the bad guy
But the mirror says otherwise

I see every fault
Which pulls out the demons
The monsters

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Always being the one to **** up!
Always being the mistake
Always being the bad guy

I'm sick of it!
I can't take it!
I want to be the good guy!

If I'm the bad guy any longer
I might just crack
Cave under pressure

When will I be good enough
Strong enough
Powerful enough
To be the good guy

883 · Nov 2015
Everyone Has Pain
Phoenix Nov 2015
Everyone has pain
Troubles they hide
Things they deny

That girl
Who is hardly 16
Has a baby on the way
And hears every hateful thing you say

A boy of 17
Being pushed from his home
For reasons unknown

The girl you call emo
Has a mental disorder
And feels nothing but hate

The skinny girl
With scars on her arms
She feels all alone
In her broken home

So many problems
Everyone has something
They wish would dissapear

One thing that needs to be clear
Is we ALL have problems
We all shed tears
We all laugh
We all scream
We all whisper
We all have something in common

It's called being HUMAN
Something inevitable
So we all have problems
But we've all got loved ones
People who really care
Fellow Poets, don't let others bring you down. Whether its about your poetry, drawings, singing, sports, acting, etc., don't let them take it from you. You do you. These problems will only make you stronger. A small bump in the road of your life. Don't forget that. I promise, from one human to the next, it gets better.
792 · Jan 2016
Anti suicide
Phoenix Jan 2016
Hey you
Ya you
You with the pills

What are you doing?
Do you know what you're about to do?
You're about to end your life!
That doesn't just affect you
It affects everyone around you

It will make your mom cry
It will make your dad weak in the knees
It will make your brother question everything
It will make your sister afraid
Your best friend will cry
Over your loss

So please
For me
A random poet
Who has been there

Put down the pills
Put away the gun
Put down the knife
Put back the alcohol

Ya it ***** now
I'm not going to tell you it doesn't
But this is one small bump
In your entire life!

You've got so much ahead of you
I promise
It will get better
In some shape or form

I don't know
What pain your going through
But I do know suicide tonight
Isn't the solution for tomorrow

Because tomorrow might be
The best day of your life
But you'll never know
If you don't wait
And find out
Suicide Hotline:
1 (800) 273-8255
787 · Feb 2016
7 Letters
Phoenix Feb 2016
Why is my heart tight
From a 7 letter word

A 7 letter word
From 2 years ago

My stomach is twisting
My head is spinning
I feel the self hate

Pathetic little girl
Letting the pain come back
A 7 letter word
Is all it took

So pathetic
To let it bring the hurt back

You're supposed to be better
To put it in a grave
And let it die instead of you

But here I am
Sharp pains of guilt
And shame

My body feels weak
Heavy like lead
From a simple 7 letter word

I can feel the numb return
I can feel the pain again

A trigger

A stupid 7 letter word
Is a trigger for me

It awakens the beast
And it reminds me
How close I always am
To falling back into the grips
Of the monster inside

No matter how drugged I am
With antidepressants
And mood stabilizers
That 7 letter word
Brings back the pain
The numb
The memories of 2 years ago

Memories of Roger's Memorial
Of the fear
Of the hate

They come rushing back
Because of a 7 letter word
That has affected so many

A 7 letter word
That once had no meaning to me
But now terrifies me

A 7 letter word
A simple 7 letter word

736 · Jun 2017
b r e a k i n g
Phoenix Jun 2017
It’s been a month
A month of silence
A month of numb
A month of nothing

I’m  b   r    e     a      k      i       n       g

I’m breaking
And it doesn’t matter
Because no one sees

I want to scream
I want to lash out
But I can’t
And I won’t

I’m so NUMB
I feel so ALONE

It’s been a month
Since I last saw you

It’s been two months
Since I’ve been locked away
Locked away
Where I’m alone
Cut off from the real world

It feels like I’m suffocating
Drowning in air
Drowning in thoughts

I’d known this was to come
I’d known all along
I’d known
Because all good things
Come to an end

Good things
Happy things
Joyful things
They don’t last
Not for people
Like me

People like me
Who ***** up
People like me
Who are stuck
People like me
Who are hopeless

I guess it’s normal
Normal to be depressed
Normal to be numb
Normal to be drowning

Because I’m always depressed
I’m always numb
I’m always drowning

I just pretend I’m okay
I just smile until you think I’m fine

I just **pretend
720 · Nov 2022
Internal Screams
Phoenix Nov 2022
I'm screaming

No one hears me
Hears the echos
Sounds that bounce through my hollow core

The emptiness

Can't breath
Can't think

Don't want to live
Don't want to die

To exist
To not exist

To be
To not be



Have mercy on me

Hear me
Help me
Free me
A vent poem - I am not a danger to myself; I am safe
Phoenix Mar 2016
To feel love
You must know hate

To feel joy
You must know pain

To feel surrounded
You must know being alone

To feel free
You must know being cornered

There is always a negative
To a positive
A good
To the bad
Yin to yang

I've faced my fears
Been to Hell and back
Been pushed to my limits
Been close to death
I've shed so many tears

But don't get my wrong
My beloved readers
I'm no coward
I haven't backed down
And I won't back down

Because I know pain
I know love
Because I know sorrow
I know joy

Life is a series of hardships
Life is a never ending war
Between good and bad
Happy and sad
Love and hate

The pain of yesterday
Makes me stronger today
The sorrow of tomorrow
Helps me value the now

Since I've been to Hell and back
I know the value of love
I know the meaning of friends
And family

Since I know death
I know life

Since I know death
I know how to fight
Even if it is hard

Since I know life
I know what to fight for
Even when hope seems lost
710 · Sep 2016
Phoenix Sep 2016
I never thought I'd be

I never thought
I'd want to die

I never thought
The thought of cutting myself
Would be so appealing

How am I so

I take all of these
Just like I'm told

I talk to a counselor
But I still feel unwhole

It seems as if no matter what I do
I'm still unstable

My mind is in constant

Thousands and thousands
Of whispers
Rush through my head

Everything up there
Has been painted black

So now I can't see
I can't hear
I can't do anything

Because I'm so

My body moves
My body breaths
My heart pumps
My skin bleeds

But I'm....

I'm gone.....

I've disappeared

Never to be seen again

Because my mind...

699 · Nov 2021
Phoenix Nov 2021
My flesh is suffocating
Smothering my soul
I can feel my bones
Hollow and heavy
My arms;

I am trapped
Stuck inside a suit
Designed of organic materials
Meat and flesh
Designed to rot away one day

My flesh moves
As if with a mind of its own
As I sit, trapped behind my ribcage
As if my own personal jail

I see
I hear
I speak
Yet i cannot

I am here
But gone
I long for home
As I lay in my bed

A feeling of emptiness
As if floating in space
Drifting through the world
I cannot understand

My soul
My spirit
Gasping for air
Grasping for a tether
Hoping to the gods above
Please don't let this be my demise

My flesh is suffocating
Smothering my soul
I can feel my bones
Hollow and heavy
663 · Nov 2015
Closet Door
Phoenix Nov 2015
I have a closet
In the back of my mind

It is where I chose to hide
All the things I want to deny

The problems
The hurt
All have a place
In my mind

The closet

Sometimes it doesn't close
Because of an overflow
But I chose to ignore it

When I'm depressed
The demons break free
And they control me

The closet door is broken
And my self control is lost

The hurt
The pain
The loss
The problems

My demons

They strangle me
They tear at my heart
They tear at my soul

All because my closet door
Is broken

Hope seems lost

But I work
And so does my construction crew
To fix my closet door
To contain my demons

To give me hope once more
654 · Oct 2015
Shine your light
Phoenix Oct 2015
So innocent
So small
So beautiful

Sweet child
So pure
So bright

Be careful
Sweet baby
The world is cruel
Your light shines bright
Just like a jewel

They will try to crush you
Crush your soul
Break your light

So be careful
Be bright
But protect your light

I love you sweet baby
My love is with you
Show your love
To my baby cousin. Happy birthday
605 · Sep 2023
It's not a bad day
Phoenix Sep 2023
It's not a bad day

It's raining outside after a night of loud thunder

It's not a bad day

I woke up in blood

It's not a bad day

I had to wash my sheets and scrub my mattress

It's not a bad day

I couldn't figure out what to wear

It's not a bad day

I couldn't look at my body without disgust

It's not a bad day

I struggled to find an outfit to make it bearable

It's not a bad day

My new thrifted necklace broke in two places

It's not a bad day

My ears started bleeding when I put in earrings

It's not a bad day

I ran out of time to do my chores before I had to leave

It's not a bad day

I have to go to the store after my college classes

It's not a bad day

The 20 dollar manicured nail polish are already chipping after 4 days

It's not a bad day

I promise
It's not a bad day
It can't be a bad day
571 · Sep 2016
Phoenix Sep 2016
If I look pretty
They won't see the demons I hide

If I smile
They won't see the death in my eyes

If I laugh
They won't hear me cry out

If I act this way
They won't know I died last summer

I'll look alive
But in reality
I'm a walking, talking, corpse

I'm rotting from the inside
Im truly dying
I'm done fighting

I'm good at pretending
Pretending I'm strong
Pretending I'm happy
Pretending I'm fine
Pretending I matter

But in reality
None of its true
Because I died last summer
When my demons took over

So now I'm a corpse
Among the living
A zombie
A machine
Just going through the motions
546 · Jan 2017
Phoenix Jan 2017
I don't like
Using the term "voices"
When it comes to explaining my emotions
Because I'm not schizophrenic
I don't have multiple personalities

I just...
I just hear voices
Except they are my voice
My voice screams at me
Over and over

It's like a deeper, darker version
Of my voice
As it growls at me
And yells at me

I'm pretty sure it hates me
Because it tells me
All of these different things
That sound so real
But are logically impossible

Underneath that voice
I hear whispers
Different voices that I can't understand
Because they are so quiet

It's chaotic in my head
So much goes on
Especially when I forget to take my medication
Then the angry voice screams
And I can't hear anything else

I scream back at it
I tell it to shut up
Because it's not true
But it uses my insecurities against me
And hits every raw nerve
In my body

So I break down
And start physically crying
And the people around me get so confused

I wish they could hear it
I wish they could hear what's in my head
Because then they'd understand

It's so difficult to explain
What happens in my head
Since I don't want to seem crazy
Especially considering
I don't even know what's going on

I generally don't talk about it
What happens in my own personal Hell
I don't talk to my parents
I don't talk to my doctors
I don't talk to anyone
Because I'm afraid
That people won't understand

I'm afraid I'll be labeled as crazy
And be sent to the hospital
Or put on more medication
When I don't need to

It's something that's always been there
I've always tried to ignore it
But sometimes
It's hard to ignore screaming and yelling
Especially when
The screaming and yelling is about what hurts the most

I swear to you
I'm not crazy
I'm not schizophrenic

I honestly don't know what I am


I'm just Monica

And I have voices in my head
One screams at me
The rest whisper things I don't hear

It's odd
But for me
It's normal

I can't explain it
Or how it works
Or what the voices say
Because they say a lot
And sometimes
I'm afraid to say it allowed
Because what if it's true?

So I sit quietly
As I scream and argue
With the voices in my head

It's easy most of the time
Since I have medication on my side
It makes the voice silent
As if it is put to sleep

And it's quiet
And silence in my head
Is blissful
546 · Oct 2015
Phoenix Oct 2015
thump, thump, thump
Marching in place
Never advancing
The war never ending
thump, thump, thump
Bullets wiz by
A soldier goes down
Screams echo across the line
Soldier after soldier collapse
In our unmoving lines
thump, thump, thump*
We continue to march
In one place
Soldiers in a straight line
Side by side
Fighting an unwinnable war
Each shot from us
Is a shot in the dark
The occasional screech from the other side
Today's the day
We will win this war
Today's the day
We need to stop keeping score
We still march on
In our worn down spots
We yearn for our bodies to halt
We long for a day of rest
We march on
We march on
With our blazing bullets
Our pained screams
We march on
Shooting into the darkness
Hoping to hit someone
We are the soldiers of 2015
We are the unmoving army
Marching in one place
We are soldiers
528 · Nov 2015
Phoenix Nov 2015
The roses dance
The violets sway
The music plays
In her mind
As her heart keeps time
Tonight she dances
Dances with the moon and the stars
And the cool, soft breeze
Tonight she smiles
With flowers in her hair
A laugh, as soft as a flower petal
Escape her soft lips
Her hair shifts on her shoulders
As her red dress swooshes and sways
Tonight she is free
Tomorrow is yesterday
So tonight
She dances
With the moon and stars
Tonight she smiles
As the wind plays with her hair
Tonight she shares secrets
With Sandman himself
In a field of roses and violets
In a field of dreams
516 · Sep 2016
Phoenix Sep 2016
Don't mourn for me
My body may be empty
But my soul is free

Free from pain
And struggle

Free from rejection
And abandonment

Free from the weight of the world
And high expectations

I'm soaring with the eagles
And swimming with the whales

I'm finally happy
And at peace

Something I've longed for my entier life
But never found

I wasn't as strong
As you say I was
Because there I lay
Cold and lifeless

Do you believe me now?
I was on a fishing line
Hanging on by a thread
On the edge

I told you
So many times
And I know you heard me
But there was nothing to do
But sit and wait

Well, I was sick of waiting
And playing games
Sick of medications
That gave me false hope

I couldn't do it
My emotional state
Died a long time ago
And my physical state
Was that of a machine
Going through the motions

I couldn't love
Or help
Or forgive

I couldn't feel

So please don't mourn for me
My body may be empty
But my soul is free
I'm so close to being done.... I'm numb. My heart hurts. My body is weak. I'm fighting for my family and friends tho. Not for me. I've lost hope in myself.
514 · Feb 2016
My Soul
Phoenix Feb 2016
Can I rip out my vocal cords
I don't have anything to say anyways

Can I destroy my emotions
I'm going numb as it is

Can I rip out my heart
All it does is hurt

Can I rip out my lungs
I can't ever breath

Can I find my soul
In a book
Or a song
Where has it gone

My soul is whole
My soul is bright

This soul is broken
This soul is grey

This soul isn't mine
This soul doesn't belong to me
Therefore it shouldn't be with me

This a soul that belongs in a grave
Dead and buried

My soul is full of life
My soul loves adventure
And romance
And joy

This soul hates all of that
Therefore it is not mine

This soul is contaminated
With hate
And destruction

My soul has escaped me
Left my body through a long exhale
Off on an adventure
Leaving me empty
An open space

This soul came in
To occupy my empty space
But I wish it hadn't
I feel more hallow now
Then I did before

So can I rip out my vocal cords
Because I don't have anything to say

Can I destroy my emotions
I'm almost fully numb

Can I rip out my heart
It hardly beats anymore

Can I rip out my lungs
I can't ever breath

So do you see
What this soul has done to me

I need my soul
I don't want this broken one
I need to be whole
510 · Dec 2015
What do you see?
Phoenix Dec 2015
What do you see
When you see me

Do you see a beautiful young lady
Oozing potential

Bright grey eyes
And a big smile

Tall posture
Showing confidence

An outgoing girl
Ready to take on the world

When I look in the mirror
I see me

But who am I
Cliche really
The simple three worded question

I see a girl
With troubles in her eyes
And a smile full of lies

Being outgoing
Is my defence
Go all out
Let no one in

Tall posture
Is the result of a saying
"If you can't blow them away with your brilliance, baffle them with your *******."

In reality though
It's all self hate
Thoughts of

'You're not good enough'
'You're unforgivable'
'Nothing you do will ever be enough'

In reality
I am what you see
And what you see is me

And what you read here
Is another part of me
That I don't let people see

Is this what you see
When you meet me
503 · Dec 2016
Phoenix Dec 2016
I'm stressed out
I'm tired
And emotionally

My body can't handle
The hell my mind produces
As it is weaker

Have you ever felt
Like you're so tired
That you could sleep for days,
Maybe even weeks,
And still, be exhausted?

My body is that
Of a young adult
But my mental state is that
Of a five-year-old

I can act like an adult
But it makes me
So, so tired

It takes up all of my energy
To act as an adult
For an hour
I don't understand

I feel like
I haven't ever slept
In my entire life
As my eyelids grow heavier and heavier

I could sleep standing
As my energy disappears
In front of my eyes

I need a Monster
Or coffee
Or both
Just to make it through the day
But it's so so bad for you
To run on caffeine

I just want to quit
Because my anxiety
Takes up to much energy
I want to be better
And not get so tired
Every time I try to function
At the age I am

I'm just so...


I don't understand
And I feel like
I'm all...


As I'm pulled under
Into a dream like sleep
Where I close my eyes
And pictures instantly play
Behind my eyelids

I can't control it
I'm trying
But I don't know

I'm just so tired
And emotionally
And I don't know
How to handle it
469 · Jun 2016
Elliot's Poem
Phoenix Jun 2016
Do you remember the jeep
Going for rides
With the top down
And music blarring

I sang at the top of my lungs
My hair blowing everywhere
Dancing in my seat
To Bonjovi
And Guns and Roses

We took the back roads
Absorbing the sunlight
I loved those moments
Bonding over music
That only you and I shared

Forgetting the rest of the world
Just you and me
No girlfriends
Or school
Or drama

Do you remember the White Sox game
My first baseball game
I don't remember who they played
Or who won

It was Rich and Felicia
You and me
I begged you for a hat
To remember the day

I still have it
It's hanging in my closet
By the clasps in back

It's getting old
And *****
I don't let people touch it
Not very often at least

It's an awesome memory
And people don't unserstand
What the hat means to me

Do you remember Six Flags
It was you and I
Rich and Felicia

I remember the long lines
And constant jokes
I remember waiting for superman
Nearly dying of laughter
From your stupid jokes

I was afraid
Afraid of its height
But I got on
With the three of you

It was a lot of fun
Even though I kept my eyes closed
The rush of the wind in my hair
My voice was hoarse
After screaming most of the time

I remember getting squid hats
Making funny faces for the camera
I remember getting to the front of that line

The raging bull
A large roller coaster
That I lost my nerve on
I felt bad because you wouldn't ride without me
But my fear overruled

Do you remember the sushi bar
Where I had sushi for the first time
It was an old place
And an odd experience
But one I don't regret

It felt strange
On my tounge and throat
But I enjoyed it

Learning about a different culture
From you
Something that stays between us
Something no one else can intrude on

So many memories I have
Of you and I
We don't talk much
Since I'm always busy

Sorry I'm not around much
Even though I'd like to be
Sometimes I feel out of place

But you still include me
With the family
In your life
Letting me know
That I'm welcome at any point

I love you dad
Even if I don't say it
You're stuck with me
Forever and eternity
Good memories are always there
With just you and me
Stuff I wont forget
Stuff I'll remember until I die

So here's a few
Of the things
That comes to mind
When I think of you

Happy Father's Day dad
I love you
464 · Dec 2015
Phoenix Dec 2015
I'm told I need to forgive you
For everything

For all the things done
For all the things said
For all the things you became
For all the things we became

I'm told I need to forgive you
For the monster you were
For the control you forced

I'm told I need to forgive you
Because it's only going to **** me

The anger
The hurt

I get it
I really do
But I don't know
How forgiving you
Will fix that

But then again
I know they are right
I know that
If I forgive you
It will stop killing me

I was told that
Holding this grudge
Is like drinking poison
Hoping it will **** you

And I know
It's true

Killing myself
No matter how slowly
Isn't going to hurt you

It just gives you more control
It just brings me more pain

I was told I need to forgive you
In order to move on

And I know its true
For both me and you

It's hard to forgive you
And it's impossible to undo
What was done by you

But I'm trying
Trying to forgive you
Forgive your monster
And forget your name

Forget your name
That brings back all the pain
That brings the self hate

But that's why I've got to forgive you right?
So maybe
One day
It won't hurt
When I hear your name

I was told I need to forgive you
For the monster you became
For all the pain

I was told I need to forgive you
Before I can forgive *me
449 · Nov 2015
A Stuffed Bunny Named Hope
Phoenix Nov 2015
A stuffed bunny
With the name of Hope
Long ears
And a little fluffy tail

A small gift
A big impact

Filled with self hate
And hopelessness

Nothing but pain
And regrets
Filled me and others

But this small gift
This stuffed bunny named Hope
Was a remider

A reminder
That I have people on the other side
Waiting for my return
People who care
People who love me

People worth FIGHTING for

All because of a bunny named Hope
440 · Nov 2015
One Person
Phoenix Nov 2015
Billions of people
Billions of problems

But it only takes one
One smile
One laugh
One "hello"
One "it's going to be okay"

It takes one person
One life
To affect thousands

It takes you

You have the power
To save a life
Or take a life

Your words
Your actions
Might mean nothing to you
But they could mean the world
To somebody else

Use your 'power'
To those in need
Show the love you have

Be a rebel
In our society
Reaching out in kindness
Is rare

So be a rebel
Be kind
And remember
You have the power
To save lives
The question is:

440 · Dec 2016
Simple Distraction
Phoenix Dec 2016
I blame you
Even though you're not here

I can't think
Or focus
Or anything

And I blame you

I'm not mad
Just slightly inconvenienced
Because I'm trying to do my work
But you're invading my mind

I want to cuddle
And kiss you
And hug you
And tell you 'I love you'

But I can't

Because you're not here

Quite frankly
I don't understand
How you're such a distraction
When you're not even around

You're a simple distraction
That drives me insane
Bit by bit

I'm sitting here
Trying to do school work
Even though my tummy
Is dancing with a million butterflies
And my train of thought has derailed

I never thought this would happen
Not again
But there you are
And here I am
Completely intertwined

You have such an effect on me
And I don't think you even understand
How much of a distraction you really are

I wonder
Am I a simple distraction
To you?
429 · Oct 2017
Phoenix Oct 2017
It's like we're stuck on it
Somebody jammed the remote button
And now we're stuck in circles
Going around and around and around

It's like we're in a tornado
Always opposite of one another
Coming so close
But never close enough

You're drowning
Sinking down into your own depression
And I'm floating
Unable to let out enough oxygen
To sink and save you

But do I want to sink?
Do I want to go back to drowning
Just to save you?
Is it really worth that much pain?

If you asked me this last year,
I would have said yes
But I didn't know
What being happy felt like
And now that I am happy
I don't want to let it go

So we're stuck on repeat
Spinning in circles
And around
And around

Neither of us wants to give up
Neither of us wants to leave
Even though we both know
That it might be best for us to let go
421 · Oct 2015
Light After Dark
Phoenix Oct 2015
A light after dark
Smiles all around
Music pulsing through speakers
Into my veins
A new hat sitting on my head
A souvenir
A marker in time
The snake wrapped itself in my arms
Whispering sweet nothings into my ear
I laughed and scrunched my nose
Moment captured
Forever remembered in time
Good times
Good music
A family reunited
A light after dark
419 · Apr 2016
What's wrong?
Phoenix Apr 2016
It's happening again
It's all caving in
All I've worked so hard for
Is being destroyed in front of me

I can't breath
My ribs have punctured my lungs
Punctured my heart

My intestines are slowly being unraveled
Bit by bit
As violently as possible

A tornado twists and turns
Viciously inside my body
Pulling at the muscle walls
And squishy insides

I want to scream
I want to scream so loud
That somebody might actually hear me

I want to cry
But if I cry
I might drown this entire town

I want to draw
But my hands don't work
My mind goes too fast
And my eyes only see failure

I want to write
But I can never write the truth
I can't explain my emotions
Only in short sentences
A poem
But even that isn't enough

I want to speak
Tell someone
Anyone who will listen

But in order to speak
I have to know what's wrong
I have to have words to say to them


I just *DON'T KNOW
392 · Mar 2016
To be a Poet
Phoenix Mar 2016
How do you become a poet?

When I first started
A poet
Was someone reading
Lines about peace
And the end of war
In a dimly lit cafe

But to be a poet
There is no expectation
On who you're supposed to be

You could be the kid
Who wears all black and never speaks
You could be the cheerleader
Who never stops speaking
You could be the star quarterback
Or the quiet artist

To be a poet
You must have a soul
You must be willing to write
About what's deep inside

To be a poet
You musn't be afraid
Of what people might say
When you put your heart on the sleeve

To be a poet
You don't have to expose it all
But you must share a little
Because I'm guaranteed
Someone else is feeling it too

No one wants to read the generic
It's been said
So many times
And in so many ways

So be creative
Be out there
Be spontaneous
Write your heart and soul

Poets are artists
Expressing their feelings
Through words
Showing their soul
To the world
When no one close
Can hear them

Being an artist
Of any kind
Is hard

You don't write for awhile
But that's okay
One day
Inspiration will hit you
And it will be beautiful

I like to think
That I'm a true poet
I write about my hurt
My love
My friends and family

I write about what I see around me
I write about what I feel
What I think
I write about what I hide

Does this make me a true poet?
I'm not sure
I suppose that's not for me to decide

But what I see
When I read other poems
Is a group of people
Putting aside differences

To show their pain
To vent
To show their love
To express what's inside

And I think
It's truly beautiful

I think we are all *true poets
390 · Sep 2016
Self Degrated
Phoenix Sep 2016
I scratch and claw at my skin
Trying to tear away the thin material
That hides my muscles, bones, and sins

I hold my throat
Hoping for the possibility to crush it
Hoping to stop the air flow

I cover my ears
Trying to muffle the echoing whispers
That cloud my brain

I sit alone in my room
Unworthy to be with people
But also dangerous to myself

I don't eat much
Because my body tries to reject it
Even though it needs it

I want to sleep
All day and all night
For days, months, years at a time
Just to keep the monsters in

Self-degrading myself
With so much power and force
That it seems impossible to be a lie

I don't deserve what I have
I don't deserve to be happy
I don't deserve any of it

But I have it
It's within my grasp
But it feels like a lie
As if it's sand that will slip through my fingers
The moment I have a hold of it

So I wait
I sit in this position
In which I am in pain
Because I don't know anything else

I long to shatter every mirror
I long to tear up my skin
I long to crush my vocal cords and stop the air flow
I long to be recognized as the monster I am
And be rejected by those close to me
So I can't ever hurt them again

But in reality
That won't happen
I won't break every mirror
I won't damage my skin
I won't destroy my airways
I won't be told I'm a monster
And no one will reject me

Because they can't see me
Through my eyes
They can't hear my thoughts
Or see the things behind my eyelids
So they don't know the truth of me

So I have to take it into my own hands
And continue to self-degrade myself
Since no one else will
Because they don't see me
Like I see me

I hate what I see
And disagree with what they say
Because they don't know
What lies just underneath
The thin fabric you call skin
They don't know about my alter ego

My **monster
386 · Dec 2015
Phoenix Dec 2015
Broken inside

It no longer matters

No hope on the horizon

Lost puppy
Stupid guppy

Should have known
I was owned

With a necklace
For a collar

Mentally abusive
So intrusive

Take my love
End me with a violent shove

**** me now
The pain is poison

Give me back
My self control
My confidence
My worth

I don't want to be
Your little puppy dog
Your stupid puppet
Your stupid doll

I'm worthless now
Because of you
I really don't know what to do

I hear your voice
I see your face
Then I'm frozen in my place

Give me back
My self control

And everything you have taken
From my soul
373 · Nov 2015
Phoenix Nov 2015
I'm not afraid
Of you

I'm not afraid
To be me

I'm not afraid
To tell you the truth

I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid


I'm terrified
Of you

I'm terrified
To be me

I'm terrified
To tell you the truth

I'm not afraid
I'm terrified

368 · Nov 2015
Furry Counciler
Phoenix Nov 2015
Small councilor
Purring with care
Tear soaked fur
And my small sniffles
In your ear
You're my small pillow
But you don't mind
Gental forehead kisses
Until my pain is at bay
You're my little councilor
My furry best friend
I don't know what I'd do without you
You're with me till the end
367 · Nov 2015
Phoenix Nov 2015
We're all corrupt inside
No matter how much we try to deny
What if you and I
Had monsters to hide?
Secrets to keep
And people to please
Just keep in mind
We're all corrupt inside
We all have something to hide
364 · Oct 2016
Phoenix Oct 2016
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've never met anyone
Quite like you

You warm my heart
When you say my name
Make me smile
As you hold my frame

You're different than the rest
And I'm not sure why
But I love you nonetheless
And that's no lie

My skin sparks with electricity
Every single time you touch me
My stomach dances with butterflies
As you kiss my neck and nibble my ear

I love you immensely
More than you know
I won't let you go
Until you say no

I want you to know
No matter how much I show
I love you so much
And the last thing I want
Is to hurt you

Late night talks
And all day conversations
Nonstop words
About nothing and everything

I wish I could be with you
All the time
But I don't want to smother you

I love the attention
I have gotten from you
I love everything about you
And everything you do

You always make me smile
You always make me laugh
You help me forget about my past
And remind me that's not who I am

I've said it once
And I'll say it again
You're perfect to me
And you always will be

I'm so happy with you
That I smile at any thought of you

Your shaggy brown hair
And bright blue eyes
Your adorable laugh
And beautiful smile

The image of you
Is always in my mind
Making me smile
And have butterflies

I can picture us
Dancing around the house
To the music of our hearts

I can picture early morning breakfast
And quiet night time lullabies
Cuddles in bed
And kisses galore

There's so much I'm missing
That has yet to happen
All because my mind likes to wonder

I love you baby bear
No matter what you do
Because no matter what
I'll be there for you

I can't describe exactly
What you mean to me
Because I don't have the right words

I find it amazing
On where we are today
Because it feels like just yesterday
I was telling you to behave

I tried to push you away
And ignore the feelings I had for you
Just because I was afraid
Of what you would do
If you knew
The real me

But you wrapped me in your arms
And said you don't care
Let me cry on your shoulder
And told me you'd be there

In a way
My love
You saved me from me
Because you know
The route I was on

You have loved me
Even when I hated myself
Because you saw something
That I have yet to entirely see

Whatever it is
I'm glad you've stayed
Because I'm starting to seeing myself
As everyone sees me

And to me it's incredible
Because I had known you
But didn't really know you
Not until I reached out to you

I heard you cry out
As you typed the words on the screen
So I reached out
Because that's just me

So now here we are
Closer than ever
Because I was willing
To be a good friend
When you were in need

And to be completely honest
It was the best thing I've ever done
Because I met you
And finally saw the real you

And I love it
I love your heart
I love your scars
I love every single thing
So basically

*I love you
347 · Sep 2023
Too much
Phoenix Sep 2023
Too many words

Clogged pores

Drown myself in media
Muffle the sound
Muzzle my mind

Going to implode

Trapped in a cage
Walls shrinking in
Too much against my skin

Electricity in my veins
Bees in my mind
Nothing behind my eyes

Must get out
Must escape
Must smile
Must behave
343 · May 2017
My Safe Space
Phoenix May 2017
I saw you cry yesterday
You sat on the floor
With your head down low
Your eyes grew glossy
And I didn't know
What to do

I whispered your name
And held your cheek
I kissed your lips
And said I love you

And you cried
First one tear fell
Then a second
Then a third
And my heart sank
With every drop of water

I held your face in my hands
And sat with you
And told you I loved you
And kissed your cheeks and lips

You told me nothing was wrong
As you stared at the ground
And rubbed your tired eyes

I was afraid
I was afraid it was then end
I was afraid I'd done something
I was afraid

My heart hurt
Because you wouldn't talk to me
You wouldn't tell me what was wrong
You just sat there
Staring at your hands
Or the ground
Or the table
Repeating the same lie I've told you a million times

"I'm fine."

So I sat there
With tears in my eyes
And a shaky breath in my lungs
Standing strong for you
Because you've done it for me

Then, you told me
You told me why you were so hurt
What caused your tears
And what caused your fears

You told me you were afraid
You told me you felt like
You couldn't do anything to help me
Most of the time
And I just stared at you
And I couldn't stop my jaw from dropping

I've told you once
And I'll tell you a billion times

You are my safe space
You are my happy place
You are home

When I'm numb
You make my heart beat

When I cry
You hold me close

When I'm anxious
You talk me through it

You're my rock
My shelter
My best friend
My love

You mean everything to me

Please don't doubt me when I say
That you're my safe space
That you're my safe haven

I love you
So so much

When we danced together
It was just the two of us
There was no one else

I sang to you
Every single word
With everything in my heart
Coming out into words

I mean everything
Every single I love you
Every single kiss
Every tight embrace

When I look into your eyes
I can't even explain what I feel
What I think

I can only tell you what I know

I know that I love you
That you give me butterflies
That my heart stops
And speeds up all at the same time

Don't doubt it
Don't ever ever doubt it

Don't doubt me

Trust me
Because I love you
340 · Jan 2016
Phoenix Jan 2016
eventually your
become your

if you can't blow them away with your
baffle them with your
338 · May 2017
Phoenix May 2017
I can't breath
It's too tight
I don't wanna be hanging here
It's so scratchy

How did I get here?
How did it come to this?
I'm not supposed to be here

Tug Tug Tug

Why won't it give?

I didn't think this through
I've got things to do
People to love

But instead
I've decided to hang here
And I don't want to anymore
But it looks like I have no choice

I can't breath
It's becoming so hard

Tug Tug Tug

Come on
Come on

I guess this is it
This twine
It was supposed to be my lifeline
To pull me out of this mess
But instead
It acts like an anchor
And drags me deeper

So this is the end I guess

Tell my family I love them
Tell my friends I love them
Tell my enemies I'm sorry
Tell them all to keep fighting

Good Night
317 · Dec 2016
Closer Than I Thought
Phoenix Dec 2016
Who knew
That we'd be this close
I never intended it to be like this

After the last one
I promised to never date
Until after school
But then you came along

We had been friends
Because you needed someone
To lean on
In your darkest hour
So there I was

Now here we are

It's almost been three months
Since we started dating
Seems so much longer

You asked me out
And I panicked at first
So I backed away
And broke your heart

But then
I saw you laugh
And joke

Then you shut down
Shut off your emotions
And I don't know what happened to me

I panicked
And chased after you
As you walked out of the classroom

I called your name
Right before I crashed my lips
Into yours

You froze for a moment
Unsure what I was doing
To be honest
I didn't know what I was doing either
I just let my emotions take over
And it was one of the best decisions
I'd ever done

Now here we are

And I'm trying so hard
To figure out what's so different
About you
Compared to them

I want to shout it to the world
And tell everyone
That you're mine

I want you to meet my family
I want you to meet the people I'm closest with

I feel like we
You and I
Are going to last a while

I feel like
There is an actual possibility
Of us moving in together
Not just a dream

Which is so different
Compared to the last few
I wanted to hide them
I didn't want my family to meet them
I didn't want any of that

But then there is you

What makes you so different?

I guess it doesn't matter
Because either way
I love you
And I hope one day
You can meet my family
And that you stick around
For at least a little while longer
Happy Birthday, babe. I love you.
314 · Dec 2016
Phoenix Dec 2016
I'm young

I'm supposed to have fun

I'm supposed to hang out with friends

I'm supposed to be in clubs

There are a lot of things I'm supposed to do
And I wish I could do those things
But I live in fast forward

I'm 17 now
But my brain is planning for 20

I'm in high school
But my brain is planning for after college

I'm in constant fast-forward

I can't focus on today
On right now
No matter how hard I try

My brain tells me
One bad grade today
Will ruin all of my chances tomorrow

One slip up now
Will shatter my future

One panic attack today
Threatens my chances at a normal life

So many things
Threaten my future
As I live in fast-forward

It's always about tomorrow
Never about today

It was bad as a kid
But as I grow closer and closer
To ending my mandatory schooling experience
My brain goes faster and faster
Into the fast-forward

It's so exhausting
It's destroying me
And everyone around me
Sees it

I'm just trapped
In my head

It's like a movie
But the remote is broken
And it's playing so fast
That you don't understand anything
Because the images are just a blur

I'm so overwhelmed
By all the possibilities
That are presented in front of me


That's all my brain screams

Get A's and B's right now
C's are not acceptable

Don't touch alcohol
Don't touch drugs

Colleges won't want you
Without good grades
And a record of drugs and alcohol

Without college
You can't get a good job

Without a good job
You can't support yourself

If you can't support yourself
You'll live with your parents forever

If you live with you parents forever
You can't have your own family

I'm in constant fast-forward
Even though I'm only 17
And the remote for my brain
Is smashed to pieces
So there is no pause button
There is no slow down button
There is nothing to stop it

So I struggle
With the speed of my brain
As it constantly moves in a blur
In fast-forward
303 · Jul 2016
My Love
Phoenix Jul 2016
What's the point
Of romance
Of affection
Of love

A simple kiss
A loving embrace
Fingers intertwined

I don't understand
The logic of it all
How one simple thing
Can affect all your life

I wasn't prepared
To love again
I wasn't prepared
To give my heart away

And you stayed
You waited for me to heal
You were my shield
As my emotions bled

You tell me you love me
You tell me you care
I was afraid
You'd just leave me
When I told you my past

You stayed
You must be an angel
To put up with me

You tell me
You want me
You need me
And I believe you

I know from your smile
I know from your kiss
The late night chats
And long, long hugs
I know from the teasing
I know from holding hands

And I didn't think it was possible
To feel love again
It is
And I do
I really love you

I hope you know
From my kiss
My touch
My smile
My laugh

I need you
Like you need me
Maybe even more
And it keeps growing
These feelings for you
The love and affection

You're one of my best friends
Have been since the 4th grade
Caring for me
Even when I was cold and dead inside

You say
You stuck around
Because you saw
That I still had life
That I wasn't who I pretended to be
That I was the girl
You once knew

You must really care
If you were willing to take a beating
Just to make sure I was okay
I'm glad you didn't
I would have blamed myself

You say you will protect me
When Seth comes around
Guard me
Against all his evil
His mind games

After that video
That he sent out
It was clear to see
How much I mean to you

It's clear to me
After all these years
That you've loved me
Through all the hurt
The tears
Through it all
You've cared

You let me have my space
When I was broken down
You didn't take advantage
Of my vulnerability
You held me in your arms

You mean so much more to me
Than words can explain
It amazes me every day
How close the thing I wanted most was
And I didn't see it until now

I didn't clearly see
How much you mean to me
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