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Nov 2023 · 56
Claws
Phoenix Nov 2023
Snip
Clip
Swish

Too long
Dangerous
Sharp

Trim them down
Round them out
No sharp edges

Red lines
Raised flesh
Proof of history

Rip it out
Rip it out
Rip it out
Can’t breath
Rip it out

No
No
No

Don’t scratch
Don’t claw
Rip it out
Can’t breath
No
Nov 2023 · 33
Rooftop View
Phoenix Nov 2023
I see a woman fall
She reaches towards the sky
Desperate to grasp the clouds
Her thick brown hair disguises her face
And her loose nightgown waves towards the sky

I can feel her gasping breaths
The terror that floats in her guts
The panic
The dread

She falls from her tight rope
A barely visible fishing line
Strung between skyscrapers so high
They disappear into the clouds

Her feet must ache
Covered in thin cuts
Unable to heal from constantly walking her path

Her bones must feel heavy
As she has to pace back and forth
Day in and day out
Along the line

Is it a relief to fall?
Or does that scare her even more?

I stand on this rooftop
I see this woman fall
I look to the street
But no one else seems to see her
Some glance
Some pause for a few moments, look, then move on
Only my world has stopped for the falling woman

Does she know?
Does that make her feel alone?

blink

I’m falling from my tightrope
And someone is watching me from a rooftop
Nov 2023 · 29
Graveyard
Phoenix Nov 2023
32 headstones
Similar in size and shape
Only difference is weight

Each plot a different size
An ocean of death

I stand alone
The entry arch,
Woven with sea glass and tourmaline,
Towers over me

Paths extend like tree branches
Woven in and out of grave plots

A piece of me rests with each of them
A piece of them lives inside of me

Stepping forward
One, two, three, stop

Here lies [redacted]
Loving [redacted], [redacted], and [redacted]
2000 - 2021

My heart aches
Sinking with each word
Reaching out towards the patch of earth under my feet
It cries for her
Longs for her
My heart begs me to rip up the grass
Take the dirt in my fists
Throw it past the archway
Rewind the to the time before this

I move on

Here lies [redacted]
Loving [redacted], [redacted], and [redacted]
2000 - 2023

Repeat the process
Begging
Longing
Move on

32 graves
32 plots
Some covered in grass
Some with patches of dirt

I return to the arch
Gently touching the beautiful spiral
A quiet, solemn thanks

Mourning the dead
Would be easier if they were under the dirt
Nov 2023 · 32
White Knight
Phoenix Nov 2023
I can’t be your savior
I can barely save myself

I can’t fight your battles
I’ve got wounds under my skin

I can’t speak up for you
My voice is hoarse

I can’t hold you up
My body is cooked pasta

My own body, mind, soul
Too weak to support you
Too weak to hold you up
Too weak to fight your battles

I want to survive too
Nov 2023 · 25
Stripes
Phoenix Nov 2023
Concrete kitten
Hidden then found
The truest form of companion
A guardian of life

Slowly fading
Lethargic
Silent

Black sky and headlights
Faster, faster, faster
A rock tied to my heart
An ocean behind my eyes

Touching and prodding
Nothing
Shifting and moving
A single meow
No, no, no

A fork in the road
One real option
The stone pulling my heart through my intestines

Baby, baby, baby
MY baby
I love my baby
Don’t leave me

Wrapped in a towel
Held to my chest
Clock strikes midnight
Lungs slowed to a stop

A vet and fiance
Yet I was alone in the room
My baby
My reason for survival
My rock
Gone

Soul racking sobs
Driving down memory lane
Numb devastation

Ordered the urn
And stayed in my bed
A body made of stone
No food, water, anything
Stare blankly at the flashing TV
Cradled by my partner
Aching disbelief
Nov 2023 · 28
Dirt
Phoenix Nov 2023
Cold dirt, warm embrace
Starry sky looking back at me through the trees
The sounds of birds long gone
Replaced by the drawl of a distant owl

The end of me
And the start of earth
Blended together into one

Deep breaths with puffs of air
A heavy heart sinking towards my spine
Weeds entangled in my fingers
Vines growing through my legs

A blissful state between life and death
A slow return
A unification of the body and the cosmos

Wait for me starshine
I’ll be home soon
Oct 2023 · 42
I Will
Phoenix Oct 2023
I will climb out of this hole
If it’s the last thing I do

I will see the light of dawn
A few thousand more times

I will fight
Tooth and nail

I’ve been fighting this long
This hard
To stay alive

I will not give up tonight
Oct 2023 · 37
Spiraling
Phoenix Oct 2023
Dark tendrils reaching for me
Grasping at me
Taking me
An all consuming void

A killer freefall
A crash landing with impact at any moment
Holding my breath
Closing my eyes tight

Will this time be the end of me?
Will this time be my true rock bottom?
Will this time finally pull me into the abyss?

It feels like it is
Like it will be
It feels as if the abyss in my stomach
Will finally take my soul

I know it won’t
I’ve fought too hard to survive
To give up on life today

If I am to die
It will be on my terms
Not the dark tendrils reaching for me
Sep 2023 · 37
Brain Melt
Phoenix Sep 2023
My brain is putty
It's melting out my ears
I cannot think straight

It's soupy like ice cream
And dripping through my fingers

It has no ability
To maintain words
My teacher is speaking
And it sounds like absolute nonsense

My brain is melting
And seeping out my ears
I cannot focus
I cannot hear
Sep 2023 · 295
Home is next to you
Phoenix Sep 2023
Whirring hum of the ceiling fan
Rhythmic rattle of the chains
Soft caress of a manufactured breeze

Heart beat against my ear
Steady breath to calm my racing mind
Safety surrounding me

Late night
With no light
Besides the dim screen of my phone

Gentle snores
And twitching muscles
My bedtime companion

Safety
Peace
Relief

Home
Sep 2023 · 616
It's not a bad day
Phoenix Sep 2023
It's not a bad day

It's raining outside after a night of loud thunder

It's not a bad day

I woke up in blood

It's not a bad day

I had to wash my sheets and scrub my mattress

It's not a bad day

I couldn't figure out what to wear

It's not a bad day

I couldn't look at my body without disgust

It's not a bad day

I struggled to find an outfit to make it bearable

It's not a bad day

My new thrifted necklace broke in two places

It's not a bad day

My ears started bleeding when I put in earrings

It's not a bad day

I ran out of time to do my chores before I had to leave

It's not a bad day

I have to go to the store after my college classes

It's not a bad day

The 20 dollar manicured nail polish are already chipping after 4 days

It's not a bad day

I promise
It's not a bad day
It can't be a bad day
Sep 2023 · 39
Unpublished Draft
Phoenix Sep 2023
It may not look like much
But today I'll clutch this medal
And hold it against my chest
Knowing its okay to rest

I've been gone so long
My voice moved on
I couldn't explain who I was

I still struggle to see
How this is me
The same as 2016

I've fought and I've struggled
Feeling alone
Fighting a dragon
I felt impossible to slay

But here I am
Standing strong here for myself

This mountain I climb
Does not define who I am

The difference in me
Doesn't make me
A different breed
Sep 2023 · 351
Too much
Phoenix Sep 2023
Too many words
Thoughts
Ideas
Pictures

Clogged pores
Gears
Mind
Lungs

Drown myself in media
Muffle the sound
Muzzle my mind

Going to implode
Explode
Both

Trapped in a cage
Walls shrinking in
Too much against my skin

Electricity in my veins
Bees in my mind
Nothing behind my eyes

Must get out
Must escape
Must smile
Must behave
Sep 2023 · 105
Scrapbook Poem 1
Phoenix Sep 2023
The time of man
Chooses the future

Is it true
or only a violent episode?

The growth of the unique
Are revolutionizing our ideas

Stripping away the broken
In public by an audience of connoisseurs

The king is dead
What will the robin do then, poor thing?

Suds in your eye
Household words

Two thousand years of war
Enjoyed at home
In a city in love with
The critic's view
I took clips of words from magazines and made a poem from them in my journal. I thought y'all might like it too.
Nov 2022 · 722
Internal Screams
Phoenix Nov 2022
I'm screaming
Screaming
Screaming
Screaming

No one hears me
Hears the echos
Sounds that bounce through my hollow core

The emptiness
Suffocating
Overwhelming
Exhausting

Can't breath
Can't think

Don't want to live
Don't want to die

To exist
To not exist

To be
To not be

Screaming
Yelling
Crying
Begging

Mercy
Mercy
Mercy

Have mercy on me

Hear me
Help me
Free me
A vent poem - I am not a danger to myself; I am safe
Nov 2021 · 699
Disconnect
Phoenix Nov 2021
My flesh is suffocating
Smothering my soul
I can feel my bones
Hollow and heavy
My arms;
Fingers;
Legs;
Toes;
Neck;
Skull

I am trapped
Stuck inside a suit
Designed of organic materials
Meat and flesh
Designed to rot away one day

My flesh moves
As if with a mind of its own
As I sit, trapped behind my ribcage
As if my own personal jail

I see
I hear
I speak
Yet i cannot

I am here
But gone
I long for home
As I lay in my bed

A feeling of emptiness
As if floating in space
Drifting through the world
I cannot understand

My soul
My spirit
Gasping for air
Grasping for a tether
Hoping to the gods above
Please don't let this be my demise

My flesh is suffocating
Smothering my soul
I can feel my bones
Hollow and heavy
Jul 2021 · 99
Exhaustion
Phoenix Jul 2021
Hollow
I am
Hollow

Inside it echos
Sounds bouncing
Back and forth

I feel nothing
My insides ripped out

Trapped in my body
Unable to escape
Unable to touch it
Not in control

Body is on auto pilot
I just watch from inside
I can't feel my body
I see it move
But its not under my guide

I'm so very tired
I'd like to rest
Sleep does no help
Death might be best

I won't hurt my body
As it has done no wrong
My soul aches inside it
Yearning to be gone

I'll sleep for awhile
And hope the pain goes away
For my eyelids are heavy
And I'd like to stay
Jul 2021 · 93
Free Me
Phoenix Jul 2021
Nothing
An empty shell
Everything carved out
Carved away

Trapped inside
As if inside a hollow tree
Don't touch the sides

Wanting escape
Wanting freedom
Tear away skin
Tear away flesh and bone

Rip out my throat
Rip out my heart
******,
Gory,
Mess

Chained
Bound
Cycle repeated

Restless,
Anxious,
Depressed
Nonstop aching

Being here
Belonging nowhere
Yearning for home
And not being alone

Trapped in this body
Of flesh and bone
Of sin and agony

Free me
Let me go
Let me out
May 2020 · 83
Progress
Phoenix May 2020
Step back
One
Two
Three

Blink

One hundred ten
One hundred eleven
One hundred twelve

Wait
Backwards?

Too many steps backwards
Not enough forwards

Clouded judgment
Blurred lines
Reality
Thoughts

Which ways up
Which ways down
Mind bending
Heart bleeding

Lost
Confused
Scattered
Muddy

Quick sand surrounds me
Gripping me
Dragging down
Everything heavy

Drowning
In mud
In quick sand
In concrete

Immobilized
Dehumanized
Miserable
Alone

Suffering silently
Fighting internally
Struggling

Pushed it off
Pushed it away
Now its here
Its going to stay

Isolation
Quarantined
Life in a bubble
Heaven

Reality
Caged
Locked internal
Panicked

Flash back
Throw back
Sent back

Progress made?
Or lost?
Oct 2019 · 255
The Sleeping Giant
Phoenix Oct 2019
The Sleeping Giant awakens
Peeling open his eyes for the first time in a couple megaannum
Mother Nature embraced him the
moment he laid to rest
But she calls out to him now
For Mother Nature was withering away

The Sleeping Giant lifts a hand
Shaking away the dust and dirt
Careful not to disturb the plant life
growing there
He slowly moves
As if his joints were cemented together

Carefully he stands
Moving Mother Nature's blanket
Setting it softley on the cold ground
For she calls to him, and he must answer

He stands, towering as tall as a mountain
Stronger than graphene
Mere mortals had written stories about the Sleeping Giant
But they were forgotten a few millennias ago

The Sleeping Giant did not forget
He had laid to rest in Mother Nature's
embrace
Hoping the mortals would remeber him
But time had passed, and they had
forgotten

Time is a mortal construct and therfore does not apply to the Gods
The Sleeping Giant only rested a short
while
But generations upon generations of
mortals lived and died during his
slumber
And Mother Nature's pleas for help
awoke the sleeping beast

He stood atop Everest
And wept at the sight before him
For the mortals had broken their promise

Mother Nature was dying which was why she cried out
For mortals created machines
And destroyed more than saved
And the Sleeping Giant was awoken to
protect his beloved Mother Nature
Apr 2019 · 135
He's Awake
Phoenix Apr 2019
Stuck inside myself
The vicious claws dug in
The beast awoke
And I might choke
Which will cause me to cave in

He's been sedated
For so long
I forget he was even there
But now he's back
And he has attacked
And has ripped apart my brain

Worthless
Disappointment
Pathetic
Weak

Continuous­ly fighting
Clawing and scratching
Tearing apart who I am

I've worked so hard
And come this far
Just to be dragged back down again

Sedated for years
And I fought through my tears
Yet here he comes again

He's back with a vengeance
On a mission to wreck this
The progress I've made seems pointless

I wak up in the morning
And want to stay in bed
Finally succumbing to him

The time I stop fighting
Is the time I start dying
And the beast would finally win

But I've played this game
And its quite the same
As before this bought of destruction

If I keep fighting
He'll keep trying
But eventually I will win

Times will get better
As I work even harder
To get through this rough patch

I don't see an end
But I know it'll come
Because something will eventually give

Whether it's him or me
We shall soon see
May the strongest force win
Sep 2018 · 116
Beautiful
Phoenix Sep 2018
Beautiful
That's it
That's all
Everything about you is

Beautiful

Your blue green eyes resemble the world
Full of life
And love
And possibilities

Your soft lips
Speak truth
And emit warmth

Your blond hair
Reminds me of rays of golden sunlight

Your strong hands
Hold me up when I'm falling down
And poke me until I smile

Your smooth voice
Is like warm honey
Flowing around me like a melody

You leave me speechless
You leave me breathless
You leave me motionless

I can't express what I think
I can't express what I feel
Except with the simple phrase of

I love you

And I do
With all my heart
All my mind
And all my soul

I've never known a love as this
All consuming

I see you
I know you
And I'm lucky enough to have you

And it's beautiful
May 2018 · 129
Anxious and Paranoid
Phoenix May 2018
Anxiety
Paranoia
Heart ache

I can't see an end
I can't see the light
I can't see the positive

My anxiety kicks in
My heart aches
And paranoia kicks in

He doesn't love you
He doesn't want you
You're a reject
No one loves you
You'll die alone

My heart aches
As this echos
Over and
OVer and
OVEr and
OVER and
OVER

I can't push it down
I can't push it away
I can't pretend it's not there
I can't pretend it's not real

It's so real
It's so difficult
It's so....

hard

I want to be *normal

I want to be in control
I want to be sane

But that's too much to ask
Because even medicine can't control me
My anxiety is too high
My paranoia is too much
I just have to face the music

I'll forever be insane
I'll forever be unstable
I'll forever be paranoid
It keeps saving really weird. I tried to fix it but it doesn't seem to want to save correctly.
May 2018 · 174
I'm Sorry
Phoenix May 2018
Im sorry i push
Im sorry i build walls
Im sorry i snap
Im sorry my moods swing

Everything is blown up
Everything is warped
Everything is twisted
A small problem to you
Is a tower ready to crush me

You wont understand
I know that
But dont get frustrated
Because i know

I know im being ridiculous
I know im being illogical
I know im being dramatic
I know im being exaggerated

I know

Yet i cant help it
Im trying like hell
Im working really hard
Im fighting through it
Im working on chipping at the tower
So it doesnt crush me

Normal things to you
Like school and work and a social life
It blurs together for me
It molds and warps into an ocean
An ocean of rough seas and deep water

In the simplest problem
I drown
I sink to the bottom like a stone is at my ankle

I sink so deep that i can barely see the surface
The end or solution of the problem is only visable through moving water
So i cant tell
I cant see
I can't focus

When i concentrate really hard
I can see it
I know how to fix it
I know what to do
But then it gets blurry again
The waves wash over me once more
And im alone
Drowning in the depths of anxiety
Completely alone because no one can hear me cry
No one can feel the burn in my lungs as i gasp for air
No one can hear the muddled and clustered thoughts that crash in my head

Im drowning
Im drowning and i know how to fix it
But its really hard for me
You say its simple
But to me, its not
Its like swimming in a rough ocean
With a rock tied to my ankle

So im sorry
Im sorry im not strong
Im sorry i exaggerate
Im sorry i dramatize
Im sorry im over the top
Im sorry i cant fix it
Im sorry im not good at this
Im sorry i havent gotten it quite

Im working on it
Im fighting
Im swimming
Im climbing
Im doing whatever it takes to be on top with you
Because i love you
And I want to be with you
Apr 2018 · 137
My Past
Phoenix Apr 2018
Heart ache but not quite a heart break
Happiness exchanged for sorrow
Tears exchanged for my smile

I didn't want this
I grew up too fast
I learned things before I was ready

Now it's all I know
Now I can't break it
And it hurts him
The one I hold dearest

He distrusts my words
Because of my past actions

He distrusts my feelings
Because of my present actions

I feel numb
With an aching heart
And broken spirit

I apologize relentlessly
But it never seems enough
Because I'm addicted to my actions

My past has caused damage
Damage to me
And everything I believe
And everything I do now

It haunts me
It drains me
It kills me

Yet, I can't seem to stop
I can't seem to fix it
And I'm helpless
Jan 2018 · 94
Love Sick Puppy
Phoenix Jan 2018
A random hello
A single how are you
Caused a snowball effect

We talked more
We laughed
And flirted
Or maybe the last part
Was just me

And you figured it out
My conversations with you
Sparked my curiosity
And I craved knowing you more

I talked to you
Whenever I had the chance
Before bed
After school
On my work break

You were always there
You were always ready to talk
You said you liked to talk
So that's what we did
We talked
For hours and hours

Then you pieced it together
You figured it out
And I hadn't even meant to show you
You found my burried heart
Where I hid my true feelings

I panicked inside
I sent countless texts
Apologizing and trying to play it off
I suggested to forget about it
But you said something that caught me off guard

You asked me out
You asked me to go to dinner
You said you wanted to get to know me

I panicked inside even more reading that
Because I didn't know
I didn't know what to do
Or what to say
Or how to reply

I simply stated
I would love to
But you have to ask for my dad's permission
And you said ok

And I was baffled
I screeched
And I threw my phone
And panicked on the outside

Now here we are
Talking
Flirting
Getting to know each other

You've been on my mind a lot
You've been causing me distractions
You've been the first thought when I wake up
And the last thought when I go to bed

I'm not sure what to do
Because I don't like being vulnerable
Yet here I am
Cautious yet adventerous

So shall we see?
See where this leads?
See how our paths will overlap?
Dec 2017 · 90
Memory Lane
Phoenix Dec 2017
A trip down memory lane
One click away
One finger tap
One scroll
A stroll down memory lane
At the tips of my fingers

S was the first
He loved me the worst
And I gave him my all

My parents forced us apart
And broke our hearts
But in reality
Did me a favor

Four years with him
And looking back
I don't know why

He hurt me
In more ways than I dare count
He hurt my heart
He hurt my soul
He hurt my body

Yet I loved him

B was the second
And I was in the wrong
He was a saint
And I was the devil

No one wants to be the bad guy
But I'll gladly take the blame
For the second boy who loved me
Didn't deserve the hell attached

I drowned in my despair
And I took him down with me
10 months of love and hate
Until he hit the brakes
And left me at the first high school football game

C was the last
Who took my pain away
It seems not long ago
He also took my breath away

Now I want him gone
I want him to be a distant memory
Because it appears he just used me

Whether a friend's hatred
Or honestly viewed ideas
It seemed to planned out
For it to be all real

He asked and asked
Until one said yes
Then he left
And I'm left in this mess

One year before time said enough
And two months have passed
And my heart still aches

I'm in this mess
Because I love too much
I'm in this mess
Because I deny the pain
I'm in this mess
Because in reality....

It's what k   e     e     p     s         m    e           s       a       n        e

Maybe I don't want to let go
Maybe I like suffocation
Maybe I enjoy suffering
Because I seem to gravitate
Towards the forbidden path
Of memory lane
Dec 2017 · 116
A Penny For Your Thoughts?
Phoenix Dec 2017
Sometimes I think in poems
When I'm happy
When I'm sad
When I'm in love
When I'm angry

Sometimes I think in poems
And everything suddenly makes sense
I think what'd I'd write
Then the emotion is gone
Too bad it never gets written down

Because like a passenger
It shifts in
And out
On my train of thoughts

I think in poems
That are so powerful
That they make me cry
So powerful
That they make me smile
A rueful, angry smile
So powerful
That emotions surge through me
Like waves in the stormy sea

Too bad no one will hear them
Too bad no one will read them
Because once they leave
I don't remember them
Nov 2017 · 135
Six Letter Word
Phoenix Nov 2017
You say I'm sorry
You say That's gotta be hard
You say so many things

But you don't understand
You don't understand how hard it is
How hard it is to hear that 6 letter word

Six letters that mean death
Six letters that mean hopless
Six letters that mean fear

C
A
N
C
E
R

It's something you don't know
You think you know
You think you understand
But you don't
Not until it hits you
Hits someone you love
And the world shatters around you

You're hit with a train
You're hit with a ton of bricks
You fall from the edge
Into the depths of darkness
And you cry
And cry
And cry
Until you have no more tears

Then you're numb
You're numb because of the six letter word
The six letter word that means certain death
Death to those who have it
No matter how hard they fight
Nov 2017 · 87
Red
Phoenix Nov 2017
Red
Red
Blood
Love
Sorrow
Beauty

Red
The color of death
The color of blood
The color of anger

Red
The color of beauty
The color of blooming roses
The color of power

How can one color
Be my power
And my weakness?

How can one color describe
Every emotion possible?

Red

I wrap myself in red
Careful to cover every part of me
Protect myself with red

Sleep in red
Dress in red
Sing in red
Write in red

Everything in red

I hate red
But I love it

Red
My favorite color
Nov 2017 · 95
Kitty
Phoenix Nov 2017
Cuddling with my kitty
I could feel him rumble
As happy, content purrs escape him
If I could purr
I would

I was satisfied with a little kiss
Kiss him on the forhead
Kiss him on the nose

My kitty was my baby
My kitty was my companion
My kitty was my safety
My kitty was my constant

He loves to cuddle me
Especially when I'm sad
Because somehow
He always knows how to make me feel better

I love my kitty
And I'd do anything for him
Because he's my companion
And he'd walk to Hell and back with me
Oct 2017 · 117
Addiction
Phoenix Oct 2017
I'm addicted
Addicted to you
Addicted to the feelings
Of the high you gave me

You left me
But I'm still stuck on you
I'm fighting
But I'm addicted
And I hate it

I'm tired
And weak
And missing you
But I'm fighting
Oct 2017 · 1.3k
Trending
Phoenix Oct 2017
What does this mean?
What does it mean to trend?
Do I make an impact?
Do I make a difference?

The empty poems
The ones that mean nothing
Trend

The passionate ones
The ones that mean everything
Trend

Why?
Why do they trend?
What makes them loved?
Do I make a difference?

Why do I inspire you?
Why do I move you?
I don't understand
I really don't understand
Oct 2017 · 235
The Masquerade
Phoenix Oct 2017
A mask of beauty
Black and gold
Flowers and sparkles

A pretty smile
Elegant hair
A long dress
And high heels

A masquerade
A night of luxury
A night of beauty

The melody of music
Fills the room
While men and women shift and sway
And continue to dance the night away

A masquerade
A night to forget
A night to reminise
A night to dance away
A night to pretend

A night to pretend you're someone else
Pretend you're not a gambler
Pretend you're not a prostotute
Pretend you're someone else
Oct 2017 · 211
Good Bye
Phoenix Oct 2017
College
I got accepted in college
And I'm launching forward
In fast forward

But I left him behind
I didn't mean to
But he got stuck in the past
And I'm in the future

And we broke
We broke apart
And now we're both alone

I knew it was coming
I knew one of us was going to leave
I just didn't know who
Or when
And now that it's here...
I'm crushed

I'm so tired
Sleep came late last night
Because homework was a load

Now I'm drowning
In a sea of sorrow
As I replay our love story

Every love song is another stab to the heart
Every hallway in this school
Brings another ghost of you
Every time I close my eyes
I remember your perfect face

I want to get over this
I know I'll be okay
But I want to skip over the heart ache
I want to skip over the depression
I want to skip over the self destruction

I know it's for the best
But I want him back
I want to know he's mine
I want him to know I still love him
Even when we're not together

But I know it's not going to happen
If I begged
And cried
And got him back
Who would I be helping?

Because I'm moving forward
And he's stuck in the past
I can't force him to come along
Even though I want to

So this is good bye
This is where I draw the line
I'm not going to beg
I'm not going to scream
I'm not going to do anything
But quietly pray for this heartache to go away

So good bye, my love
Good bye
Oct 2017 · 429
Repeat
Phoenix Oct 2017
Repeat
It's like we're stuck on it
Somebody jammed the remote button
And now we're stuck in circles
Going around and around and around

It's like we're in a tornado
Always opposite of one another
Coming so close
But never close enough

You're drowning
Sinking down into your own depression
And I'm floating
Unable to let out enough oxygen
To sink and save you

But do I want to sink?
Do I want to go back to drowning
Just to save you?
Is it really worth that much pain?

If you asked me this last year,
I would have said yes
But I didn't know
What being happy felt like
And now that I am happy
I don't want to let it go

So we're stuck on repeat
Spinning in circles
Around
And around
And around

Neither of us wants to give up
Neither of us wants to leave
Even though we both know
That it might be best for us to let go
Jun 2017 · 736
b r e a k i n g
Phoenix Jun 2017
It’s been a month
A month of silence
A month of numb
A month of nothing

I’m  b   r    e     a      k      i       n       g

I’m breaking
And it doesn’t matter
Because no one sees

I want to scream
I want to lash out
But I can’t
And I won’t

I’m so NUMB
I feel so ALONE

It’s been a month
Since I last saw you

It’s been two months
Since I’ve been locked away
Locked away
Where I’m alone
Cut off from the real world

It feels like I’m suffocating
Drowning in air
Drowning in thoughts

I’d known this was to come
I’d known all along
I’d known
Because all good things
Come to an end

Good things
Happy things
Joyful things
They don’t last
Not for people
Like me

People like me
Who ***** up
People like me
Who are stuck
People like me
Who are hopeless

I guess it’s normal
Normal to be depressed
Normal to be numb
Normal to be drowning

Because I’m always depressed
I’m always numb
I’m always drowning

I just pretend I’m okay
I just smile until you think I’m fine

I just **pretend
Jun 2017 · 295
Run
Phoenix Jun 2017
Run
If I run away
Would you leave with me

Is the reward
Worth the risk

How often do you think of me
Because you never leave my mind

It hurts me
Knowing you're so close
But you feel so far

It's like a part of me
Is missing
And I don't quite feel whole

I've been agitated
And depressed
But I pretend I'm okay

I feel like I've lost everything
Because you are my everything

I feel so alone
My parents are cold
My friends don't care
And I've lost you

I try to find peace
Knowing you wear my necklace
But my mind plays with what ifs

What if he finds someone else?
What if he stops loving me?
What if he forgets about me?

I look at our pictures
And listen to our songs
Holding onto the little hope I have

You have two weeks left
And you're gone next Friday
I wish I had something from you

Something to hold on to
Something to cling to
Something I could keep on me
All the time

I wish I had something
Other than just memories
Because memories fade
And I can't remember

I love you
And I miss you
And I took you for granted
Because I didn't know what I had
Until you were gone

I keep listening to the same songs
Holding onto you
Letting them play on repeat
As I cry myself to sleep

I can't think of you
Without feeling the pain of loss
Because I feel like I've lost you
And in a way
I lost myself

You're my best friend
My lover
My rock and shelter
But now you're gone
And I'm left hurting and alone

I just want to run
Run to your house
Run to the woods
Run anywhere

And I wish
You could come too

But I won't ask
Because I can't run
And the reward
Isn't worth the risk
This is from a while ago. Just haven't posted it.
May 2017 · 338
Twine
Phoenix May 2017
I can't breath
It's too tight
I don't wanna be hanging here
It's so scratchy

How did I get here?
How did it come to this?
I'm not supposed to be here

Tug Tug Tug

Why won't it give?

I didn't think this through
I've got things to do
People to love

But instead
I've decided to hang here
And I don't want to anymore
But it looks like I have no choice

I can't breath
It's becoming so hard

Tug Tug Tug

Come on
Come on
COME ON
GIVE ALREADY

I guess this is it
This twine
It was supposed to be my lifeline
To pull me out of this mess
But instead
It acts like an anchor
And drags me deeper

So this is the end I guess

Tell my family I love them
Tell my friends I love them
Tell my enemies I'm sorry
Tell them all to keep fighting

Good Night
May 2017 · 343
My Safe Space
Phoenix May 2017
I saw you cry yesterday
You sat on the floor
With your head down low
Your eyes grew glossy
And I didn't know
What to do

I whispered your name
And held your cheek
I kissed your lips
And said I love you

And you cried
First one tear fell
Then a second
Then a third
And my heart sank
With every drop of water

I held your face in my hands
And sat with you
And told you I loved you
And kissed your cheeks and lips

You told me nothing was wrong
As you stared at the ground
And rubbed your tired eyes

I was afraid
I was afraid it was then end
I was afraid I'd done something
I was afraid

My heart hurt
Because you wouldn't talk to me
You wouldn't tell me what was wrong
You just sat there
Staring at your hands
Or the ground
Or the table
Repeating the same lie I've told you a million times

"I'm fine."

So I sat there
With tears in my eyes
And a shaky breath in my lungs
Standing strong for you
Because you've done it for me

Then, you told me
You told me why you were so hurt
What caused your tears
And what caused your fears

You told me you were afraid
You told me you felt like
You couldn't do anything to help me
Most of the time
And I just stared at you
And I couldn't stop my jaw from dropping

I've told you once
And I'll tell you a billion times

You are my safe space
You are my happy place
You are home

When I'm numb
You make my heart beat

When I cry
You hold me close

When I'm anxious
You talk me through it

You're my rock
My shelter
My best friend
My love

You mean everything to me
Everything

Please don't doubt me when I say
That you're my safe space
That you're my safe haven

I love you
So so much

When we danced together
It was just the two of us
There was no one else

I sang to you
Every single word
With everything in my heart
Coming out into words

I mean everything
Every single I love you
Every single kiss
Every tight embrace

When I look into your eyes
I can't even explain what I feel
What I think

I can only tell you what I know

I know that I love you
That you give me butterflies
That my heart stops
And speeds up all at the same time

Don't doubt it
Don't ever ever doubt it

Don't doubt me

Trust me
Because I love you
Mar 2017 · 243
Human Nature
Phoenix Mar 2017
Human nature is such an odd thing
We smile when we're in pain
We cry when we're happy

We all want to be loved
To be unique
And to change the world

It's a part of our human nature

It doesn't make sense
That our natural instinct
Is to be wanted and loved

I hate my human nature
My instincts you could call it

I hate myself
I shut down
And I lock people out
Even though I care so much for them
And they care for me

I don't trust
I don't open up
I don't expose all of me
Because I'm afraid

I'm afraid of my human nature
Because my human nature
Is self-destructive

It tears me down
Ever
Single
Chance
It gets

I can't figure out
What is human nature
And what are my demons
They seem so close

I'm so tired of fighting
My human nature
My natural instincts
But I know I can't stop fighting
Because then I'd be alone
And I can't handle being alone

So I fight this weird thing
That we call human nature
Because I've got no choice
In what to do
Phoenix Mar 2017
You come to me
Tears in your eyes
Bottom lip quivering
Your nose sniffling

You tell me the situation
I hug you
Give you comfort
Give you advice

Then you walk away
Feeling better
No more tears
No more sniffling
No more quivering lip

But I'm still
I'm stuck in the same place
Too heavy to move

It's as if I'm a sponge
And I take in your sorrow
I soak it all up
And take it all in
So you can breathe a little easier

My heart sinks
My emotions blur
My eyelids get heavy

I personalize everything
I can't separate my problems
From yours

Everything you feel
I feel

Everything you say
Affects my mood

But I still continue to do it
No matter how big the toll is
Because I care about my friends

Sometimes
I wonder if it'd be better
To live in isolation
Where I'm alone
And don't absorb everyone else's emotions

I know
It's just a funny joke
That I think about often

I'm depressed when I'm alone
Because I think no one cares

I'm depressed with friends
Because I feel everything they feel

So which is better?
Personalizing everyone else's problems?
Or isolating myself from the world?
Feb 2017 · 2.3k
Eminem
Phoenix Feb 2017
I like the idea of Slim Shady
Eminem's alter ego
I like the idea because I can relate
I understand

I believe everyone
Has an alter ego
A worse version of themselves
That tears at them from the inside
Even though some people
Don't acknowledge it

Lately
I've been listening to Eminem quite a bit
My favorite song
Is My Darling
Because half way through the song
Eminem fights with his demon

Granted, I've never been in most of the situations
That he dealt with
I've never had an abusive mother
I've never had a drug problem
I've never had an alcohol problem

But I have dealt with inner demons
I hear a dark and angry voice in my head

Eminem fascinates me
He tells his story
Through his words
He expresses his pain
His anger
His love
His hate

When you really think about it
How is rap much different than poetry?
I think it's similar
Rap tells a story
Rap expresses emotions
Rap speaks the artist's truth
That they couldn't say any other way
Rap is a form of slam poetry
In my opinion
The difference is
Rap has a beat

Maybe that's why
Eminem inspires me so much
Maybe it's because I understand the pain
Of hearing the inner demon
Always screaming in your ear
Telling you these lies
Trying to force you into things
Trying to trick you into your old ways

I'm probably not the only one
But I don't really care
Because it doesn't really matter

I will continue to be inspired
About how brutally honest his words are
About how he's not afraid
To say what he thinks
How he's not afraid to tell his story
No matter how hard it may be

Slim Shady fascinates me
Eminem inspires me
And Marshall Mathers understands me
Jan 2017 · 546
Voices
Phoenix Jan 2017
I don't like
Using the term "voices"
When it comes to explaining my emotions
Because I'm not schizophrenic
I don't have multiple personalities

I just...
I just hear voices
Except they are my voice
My voice screams at me
Over and over

It's like a deeper, darker version
Of my voice
As it growls at me
And yells at me

I'm pretty sure it hates me
Because it tells me
All of these different things
That sound so real
But are logically impossible

Underneath that voice
I hear whispers
Different voices that I can't understand
Because they are so quiet

It's chaotic in my head
So much goes on
Especially when I forget to take my medication
Then the angry voice screams
And I can't hear anything else

I scream back at it
I tell it to shut up
Because it's not true
But it uses my insecurities against me
And hits every raw nerve
In my body

So I break down
And start physically crying
And the people around me get so confused

I wish they could hear it
I wish they could hear what's in my head
Because then they'd understand

It's so difficult to explain
What happens in my head
Since I don't want to seem crazy
Especially considering
I don't even know what's going on

I generally don't talk about it
What happens in my own personal Hell
I don't talk to my parents
I don't talk to my doctors
I don't talk to anyone
Because I'm afraid
That people won't understand

I'm afraid I'll be labeled as crazy
And be sent to the hospital
Or put on more medication
When I don't need to

It's something that's always been there
I've always tried to ignore it
But sometimes
It's hard to ignore screaming and yelling
Especially when
The screaming and yelling is about what hurts the most

I swear to you
I'm not crazy
I'm not schizophrenic

I honestly don't know what I am

So...

I'm just Monica

And I have voices in my head
One screams at me
The rest whisper things I don't hear

It's odd
But for me
It's normal

I can't explain it
Or how it works
Or what the voices say
Because they say a lot
And sometimes
I'm afraid to say it allowed
Because what if it's true?

So I sit quietly
As I scream and argue
With the voices in my head

It's easy most of the time
Since I have medication on my side
It makes the voice silent
As if it is put to sleep

And it's quiet
And silence in my head
Is blissful
Jan 2017 · 230
Growing Up and Anxiety
Phoenix Jan 2017
17
I will be 17 on Thursday
I'll be one-year closer
To a legal adult

I'm supposed to be a mature teenager
I'm supposed to act my age
And be getting ready for college
And my future

But how am I supposed to do that
When I'm locked inside my own head?

I'm going to be 17
But I act like I'm 3

I have a favorite stuffed animal
I color
I draw
I sing off tune
I watch cartoons

I have to grow up

I never thought words
Could taste so bitter
As they rolled off my tongue



I've been asked
Who would you be without your anxiety?

And honestly,
I have absolutely no idea
Because I've always had it

I get so stressed
And overwhelmed
That I shut it all up
And shut it all down
And revert to a small child

It's unhealthy
I know that
I'm fully aware
But it's all I know how to do



I've been told my anxiety is a choice
As in
I can choose to let it consume me
Or I could shut it down every morning

Truth is
I don't know how to shut it down

I don't know how to act my age
I don't know how to control my feelings
I don't know how to do what I need to
I just don't know



I don't want to keep fighting
I don't want to grow up
I don't want to do any of it

But I have to

So I will

Because I've made promises
To fight
To stay strong
And I don't break promises



So I will fight
So I will work on my anxiety
So I will work to grow up

Because fighters always win
It's just a matter of time
Dec 2016 · 440
Simple Distraction
Phoenix Dec 2016
I blame you
Even though you're not here

I can't think
Or focus
Or anything

And I blame you

I'm not mad
Just slightly inconvenienced
Because I'm trying to do my work
But you're invading my mind

I want to cuddle
And kiss you
And hug you
And tell you 'I love you'

But I can't

Because you're not here

Quite frankly
I don't understand
How you're such a distraction
When you're not even around

You're a simple distraction
That drives me insane
Bit by bit

I'm sitting here
Trying to do school work
Even though my tummy
Is dancing with a million butterflies
And my train of thought has derailed

I never thought this would happen
Not again
But there you are
And here I am
Completely intertwined

You have such an effect on me
And I don't think you even understand
How much of a distraction you really are

I wonder
Am I a simple distraction
To you?
Dec 2016 · 314
Fast-Forward
Phoenix Dec 2016
I'm young

I'm supposed to have fun

I'm supposed to hang out with friends

I'm supposed to be in clubs

There are a lot of things I'm supposed to do
And I wish I could do those things
But I live in fast forward

I'm 17 now
But my brain is planning for 20

I'm in high school
But my brain is planning for after college

I'm in constant fast-forward
Planning
Plotting
Preparing

I can't focus on today
On right now
No matter how hard I try

My brain tells me
One bad grade today
Will ruin all of my chances tomorrow

One slip up now
Will shatter my future

One panic attack today
Threatens my chances at a normal life

So many things
Threaten my future
As I live in fast-forward

It's always about tomorrow
Never about today

It was bad as a kid
But as I grow closer and closer
To ending my mandatory schooling experience
My brain goes faster and faster
Into the fast-forward

It's so exhausting
It's destroying me
And everyone around me
Sees it

I'm just trapped
In my head

It's like a movie
But the remote is broken
And it's playing so fast
That you don't understand anything
Because the images are just a blur

I'm so overwhelmed
By all the possibilities
That are presented in front of me

Succeed!
Succeed!
Succeed!

That's all my brain screams

Get A's and B's right now
C's are not acceptable

Don't touch alcohol
Don't touch drugs

Colleges won't want you
Without good grades
And a record of drugs and alcohol

Without college
You can't get a good job

Without a good job
You can't support yourself

If you can't support yourself
You'll live with your parents forever

If you live with you parents forever
You can't have your own family

I'm in constant fast-forward
Even though I'm only 17
And the remote for my brain
Is smashed to pieces
So there is no pause button
There is no slow down button
There is nothing to stop it

So I struggle
With the speed of my brain
As it constantly moves in a blur
In fast-forward
Dec 2016 · 317
Closer Than I Thought
Phoenix Dec 2016
Who knew
That we'd be this close
I never intended it to be like this

After the last one
I promised to never date
Until after school
But then you came along

We had been friends
Because you needed someone
To lean on
In your darkest hour
So there I was

Now here we are

It's almost been three months
Since we started dating
Wow
Seems so much longer

You asked me out
And I panicked at first
So I backed away
And broke your heart

But then
I saw you laugh
And joke

Then you shut down
Shut off your emotions
And I don't know what happened to me

I panicked
And chased after you
As you walked out of the classroom

I called your name
Right before I crashed my lips
Into yours

You froze for a moment
Unsure what I was doing
To be honest
I didn't know what I was doing either
I just let my emotions take over
And it was one of the best decisions
I'd ever done

Now here we are

And I'm trying so hard
To figure out what's so different
About you
Compared to them

I want to shout it to the world
And tell everyone
That you're mine

I want you to meet my family
I want you to meet the people I'm closest with

I feel like we
You and I
Are going to last a while

I feel like
There is an actual possibility
Of us moving in together
Not just a dream

Which is so different
Compared to the last few
I wanted to hide them
I didn't want my family to meet them
I didn't want any of that

But then there is you

What makes you so different?

I guess it doesn't matter
Because either way
I love you
And I hope one day
You can meet my family
And that you stick around
For at least a little while longer
Happy Birthday, babe. I love you.
Dec 2016 · 503
Exhausted
Phoenix Dec 2016
I'm stressed out
I'm tired
Physically
And emotionally

My body can't handle
The hell my mind produces
As it is weaker

Have you ever felt
Like you're so tired
That you could sleep for days,
Maybe even weeks,
And still, be exhausted?

My body is that
Of a young adult
But my mental state is that
Of a five-year-old

I can act like an adult
But it makes me
So, so tired

It takes up all of my energy
To act as an adult
For an hour
I don't understand

I feel like
I haven't ever slept
In my entire life
As my eyelids grow heavier and heavier

I could sleep standing
As my energy disappears
In front of my eyes

I need a Monster
Or coffee
Or both
Just to make it through the day
But it's so so bad for you
To run on caffeine

I just want to quit
Because my anxiety
Takes up to much energy
I want to be better
And not get so tired
Every time I try to function
At the age I am

I'm just so...

tired

I don't understand
And I feel like
I'm all...

alone

As I'm pulled under
Into a dream like sleep
Where I close my eyes
And pictures instantly play
Behind my eyelids

I can't control it
I'm trying
But I don't know

I'm just so tired
Physically
And emotionally
And I don't know
How to handle it
Dec 2016 · 191
People
Phoenix Dec 2016
People
They cause so much pain
Stress
Anxiety

It makes my brain
Want to explode
Because I can't handle
People

I'm rejected
Even when I try
To fit in

I've been told
That I've got to reach out
And go half way
To make and keep friends

And I tried
I tried really, really hard
Because people scare me
So I pushed myself
Out of my shell
To talk to people

And I got rejected
They talked to me
For a little while
But then walked away

How pathetic
Do you think it would be
If I started following them around
Like a lost puppy?

So I sat alone
In silence
Working on my project
Trying not to cry
As I realized....

I don't fit in anywhere

It's always been like this
No matter how hard I try
I always get pushed away
Put on the back burner
The second choice

So I give up
Why even bother
If my heart will just be broken?

I just wanna stay in my room
Or something
And pretend I'm okay
Pretend that my heart isn't damaged
Because that's all I know how to do

I cried last night
I cried because of the loneliness I feel
I cried because of the rejection
And self-hate

Am I not good enough?
Did I do something wrong?
Why am I always the second choice?
And put on the back burner?

I get attention
Because I'm loud and obnoxious
But no one pays attention to me
When I'm quiet
When I'm anxious or depressed

My so-called "friends"
Don't even bat an eye
When I sit down
And just cry

I hate people
People just kind of ****
They hurt me
And reject me
So why bother with people?

I go out of my way
To try and make friends
But nope
It doesn't work

I try to be a good person
A friend I'd want to have
But it's difficult
Especially when I continuously get hurt

So I don't know
What's the point
Of doing anything?

I just don't know anymore
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