I'm happy today
I'm excited
I'm antsy
I'm looking forward to the future

But I'm also afraid
Nervous
Cautious

But my fears are hidden
You can't see them
Because I have a front
So indestructible
That sometimes
I even believe it

Today is filled
With false security
Because one word
Movement
Action
Could tear me apart

But I feel happy
I feel good

Is it a lie?
Am I really okay today?
Or is it a convincing front
that even I believe?

Is this false security?
I feel pretty today
When every other day I know I'm not
I feel like dancing today
When every other day I can't move
I feel like screaming out of joy
When every other day I can hardly speak

Is this real?
Or false security?
Why am I so afraid....

To be happy?

From the first kiss
And awkward embrace
To the last meaningful goodbye

You've stayed by my side
And loved me throughout
Even when I put you through Hell

I've pushed you away
And pulled you too close

I've been jealous
And angry
Bitter
And selfish

Yet you love me
Yet you care for me
You listen
And comfort me

You're my rock
You're my shelter
You're the breath in my lungs

You make me a better person
And a better Christian

You help me be sane
And see through the self hate
You love me
When I can't love myself

You accept me for me
All my hurt
And scars
And broken tendencies

You call me beautiful
Gorgeous
And ****

You build me up
When I tear myself down
You tell me you love me
When I'm nearly gone

What I'm trying to say is
You're my whole world
My love
My life

I love you baby
And I can't say it enough
Happy Anniversary

Thank you
So much
You *******

Who do you think you are?
How dare you
Remind me of my insanity?

Do you hear the whispers
Of a thousand different demons?
Do you feel the collar choking your neck?
Does your head spin?
Does your body feel weak?

How dare you
Lecture me for my anxiety
When I know
That I need to change

I'm working at my pace
Not yours
Because it's not your problem

Yes
I get your concern
Especially considering I don't leave my room
But who do you think you are?

Reminding me
That I'm ******* insane
That I'm not normal
Just pushes me closer to the edge

I. *******. Know.

I know I need to change
I know I need to get out
I know I need to talk to people

I already know
So lecturing me
Doesn't help anyone

I have built a shell
To protect myself from the world
And yelling at me
To get out of this shell
Just makes me cower further inside

Are you the one
Who had a panic attack
From ordering lunch?
Are you the one
Who is constantly paranoid
That no one loves you?
That you don't matter?
That everything around you is a lie?

I didn't think so

So who are you
To tell me it's all in my head?
To tell me it's my choice?
You might as well tell me to get over it
To **** it up and move on

Would you say that to me
If my leg was broken
And it caused me pain?

No
You would tell me
To sit down and relax
Even if it's just for a few minutes

My mind
Is broken
Into a thousand different pieces
And I'm trying
So. ****. Hard.
To put it back together
But your words
Shatter what little progress I have made

So you, sir
Can **** right off
And leave me alone
Because this is my war
Not yours

You have no right
To say a **** thing
Especially considering
You've never been cursed
With a mental illness

Now don't get me wrong
I'm not looking for pity
I just hate when you push me

But most of all
I hate this
With a passion
I don't want to be insane
But it's the hand I was dealt
And I'm working with what I got

I don't know
Why my anxiety has gotten so bad
It's a mystery to even me
But until you walk a mile
In my shoes
You have no right to say anything

No
*******
Right

Human nature is such an odd thing
We smile when we're in pain
We cry when we're happy

We all want to be loved
To be unique
And to change the world

It's a part of our human nature

It doesn't make sense
That our natural instinct
Is to be wanted and loved

I hate my human nature
My instincts you could call it

I hate myself
I shut down
And I lock people out
Even though I care so much for them
And they care for me

I don't trust
I don't open up
I don't expose all of me
Because I'm afraid

I'm afraid of my human nature
Because my human nature
Is self-destructive

It tears me down
Ever
Single
Chance
It gets

I can't figure out
What is human nature
And what are my demons
They seem so close

I'm so tired of fighting
My human nature
My natural instincts
But I know I can't stop fighting
Because then I'd be alone
And I can't handle being alone

So I fight this weird thing
That we call human nature
Because I've got no choice
In what to do

I hate this house
I hate this town
I hate this school
Echos
So many echos
Echos in the halls
In my living room
On the street
I'm plagued by the echos
Of you and me
The touch of your lips
The strongness of your hugs
The echos of your so called love
Memories
Echos
I hate this house
I hate this town
I hate this school
I hate these echos

Today's society disgusts me
With the skimpy clothes
And must have Jordan's

I'm sick of seeing
How the women dress
And how the girls dance

I'm sick of how
Females are told to be skinny
I'm sick of how
Woman are told to wear makeup
In order to be pretty

I'm sick of how men have to be muscular
To get the girl
I'm sick of how
Men have to like cars and dinos

I'm sick of how
To some people, women aren't equal
I'm sick of how
It is strange to some, for guys to be in drama

I'm so sick of our society
And how there are so many standards

I see what is on TV
And magazines
And books

I feel the pressure
To be pretty
And skinny
And fit

I'm sick of our society
And how it makes me self conscious
I hate how society
Makes me worry about my weight

I'm sick of our society
And how we're all controlled
By a green piece of paper
And skimpy clothes
And fancy shoes

I'm sick off all of this
And all the pressure
That comes with

How can't you see
I'm broken inside
I'm damaged goods
No hope insight

You say I'm fantastic
Beautiful
And kind

How can't you see
I'm worth just being left behind
I don't understand
How I'm worth your time

You say you love me
You say you care
I don't understand
Your thought process

How can you love me
When I'm so broken inside
My heart butchered
Broken into pieces

What if I'm broken beyond repair
My heart may just be another snare
What if you're just wasting your heart
Trying to repair mine

My love will just leave you in despair
As I've got nothing to spare
My love is a poison
And it will leak into your soul

So be ware
My cautious lover
I might hurt you
Might even **** you a little

Because I'm broken
My love like shards of glass
I'm damaged
Maybe beyond repair

I love you
Cautious lover
I'll let you use your time
On a heart as broken as mine

Be careful
My dear
Because I fear
I might just be a waste of your time

Lonely sidewalk
Empty thoughts

The houses
Judging expressions
As if knowing
Who I am

Avoiding puddles
That dance with the wind

The wind plays with my hair
Pushing it into my face
Causing me to have difficulty seeing

Racing clouds
Rushing towards an unreachable destination

They shed their tears
A misty rain
Landing on my face
Like small, gentle kisses

A small sigh
Escapes my lips
As I absorb
My surroundings

The day seems dreary
Shadowed by rain
But it doesn't have to be
So it won't be

17
I will be 17 on Thursday
I'll be one-year closer
To a legal adult

I'm supposed to be a mature teenager
I'm supposed to act my age
And be getting ready for college
And my future

But how am I supposed to do that
When I'm locked inside my own head?

I'm going to be 17
But I act like I'm 3

I have a favorite stuffed animal
I color
I draw
I sing off tune
I watch cartoons

I have to grow up

I never thought words
Could taste so bitter
As they rolled off my tongue



I've been asked
Who would you be without your anxiety?

And honestly,
I have absolutely no idea
Because I've always had it

I get so stressed
And overwhelmed
That I shut it all up
And shut it all down
And revert to a small child

It's unhealthy
I know that
I'm fully aware
But it's all I know how to do



I've been told my anxiety is a choice
As in
I can choose to let it consume me
Or I could shut it down every morning

Truth is
I don't know how to shut it down

I don't know how to act my age
I don't know how to control my feelings
I don't know how to do what I need to
I just don't know



I don't want to keep fighting
I don't want to grow up
I don't want to do any of it

But I have to

So I will

Because I've made promises
To fight
To stay strong
And I don't break promises



So I will fight
So I will work on my anxiety
So I will work to grow up

Because fighters always win
It's just a matter of time

Sounds are so LOUD
Lights are so BRIGHT

All because of you
You've scared me
Beyond belief

I'm so stressed out
I can't seem to think straight
I have a headache now
Because of you

Do you know how miserable
Stress headaches are
They hurt the base of your skull
And a little of your neck

You don't like to move
Nor do you like to think
But sometimes life
Calls for you to do it anyways

I have assignments
And commitments
Things that matter to me
But you wouldn't know that
Because you never loved me

All I was
Was a toy to use
For whatever you choose
But now you see
Now that I'm free
I have people who actually care for me

So all you've done
In the 4 years I've known you
Is caused me pain
In so many ways

You say you didn't mean it
And I said I didn't care
But in reality
We ended up both being liars

I really did care
That you used me everyday
You really did mean it
You meant every hurtful thing you said

I try to remember
A good memory of us
So I don't forever see you as a monster

But in actuality
The true reality
Is that we never had a good memory

It's all tainted
In one way or another

The thought of you now
And the thought of us then
Make me want to hurl

I said you meant the world to me
That I'd go to the moon and back
And for the longest time
I meant it
And I thought you felt the same

But I guess not

Because here I am
Afraid of you
With my eyes opened wide
To see the true monster you hide

I saw that video
You posted for the world
And anyone who saw
You and me
Would see the stab
You made at me

It wasn't hateful
Just painful to see
That you think
I gave you the best memories

At first it was true
For me as well
But I can't say that now

It's hard to see
What you did to me
And see myself
As human

My skin crawls
Because of you
And all the things
You made me do

All my friends know
The sick, sick games
They say it wasn't me
But it was you

Instinct tells me
Own up to your mistake
So I always remind them
I had that choice to make

Sometimes I wish
I could escape this Hell
For you have set a trap
And ensnared me

My heart has barbed wire
Wrapped around and around
Everything having to do with you
Makes it tighter and tighter

Was this your desire
To bring me pain
To bring me sorrow

Was this your plan
To make me like you
A wolf in sheep's clothing
A monster in disguise

Because I don't want to be like you
I don't want this done
To anyone

So you may hurt me
Every day until I die
But you can't hurt my friends
My family
My love

You are my hero
My inspiration
My rock

Thirteen years ago
You took me in
As the daughter
You thought you'd never have

You are a gift from God
You stepped up
And filled in
When no one asked you to

You treat my mom
With the respect
And love
She deserves

Through the bumps
Brusises
Bleeding knees
And cut up elbows
You were the one I went to

You "played" Dr. Dad
And taught me to **** it up
And not panic
At a little blood

Through my mistakes
Tiny little ones
And life altering ones
You've been there for me
Holding me up
Even when I was wrong
You've loved me unconditionally

When I got hit
With depression
And bipolar
You kept me in line
Motivating me to push through
For you
For mom
And for Colin too

Even now, when my anxiety is too high
You hold me when I cry
And text me in the morning
Saying it will be alright
Everything will be fine

I may not always believe it
Or even want to accept it
Because let's face it
Sometimes we fight
And I don't like you
But I'll always love you

You are a dad to me
Even when you didn't have to be
You could have said no
And walked away
But I'm glad you didn't

Even Elliot's family
Is thankful for you
And the wonderful job you do
In raising me
And loving me
Showing me right from wrong
And being a perfectly imperfect dad

I love you daddy
Even though I don't say it often enough
I don't know where I'd be
Without a dad
As wonderful as you

Happy Father's Day

It changes you
Strangles you
Makes you question everything

Bitter heartache
And harsh words

Instant regret

Painful sorrow
Self loathing

Thoughts of death
Of disappearing

regret

Thoughts of pain
And permanent tattoos

regret

So many regrets
So many pains

It changes you
Strangles you
Makes you question everything

I'm a monster
   You're a saver

I'm ugly
   You're beautiful

I'm worthless
   You have a purpose

I'm broken
   You are loved

I'm unhelpable
   You're saved

I'm unloved
   Family and friends surround you

I'd be better off dead
    There is a grand plan for you

I have a plan for you, love
A grand scheme
That only I can see

I know you feel helpless
I know it seems like an unwinable war
But I died for you
I payed for you passage into a better place

Your world is broken
Destroyed
But I shed my blood
So my Father in Heaven
Can work through you
And save your broken world

You feel like your sinking
You feel alone
You feel unloved
And forsaken

But I am here

I am with you

I love you

I'm walking along beside you
Even if it doesn't feel like it
I feel your pain
I feel your suffering
I feel everything in you

I see what you face
Inside and out
The depression
The anxiety
I see and feel it all

I understand

My death on the cross
Terrified me
I begged for another way
Even though I knew
It was the will of my Father in Heaven

I will fight with you
I will fight for you
I will protect you
I will love you
And I have saved you
From the fires of Hell

I faced them
The scorching heat
Of the external flames
So you, my beloved, don't have to

Speak to me, child
Open up
Let me in
And I will love you

I will fill you with a peace
That you've never known
I will quench your thirst
With the living water

I am the Alpha and Omega
I am the Begining and the End
I have created the world
And everything in and on it

I know you don't feel it
But you have a purpose
There's a reason you're here

The enemy is strong
But I am stronger
You've read Revelations
And you know the outcome
Of the final war

There will be a New Jerusalem
Instead of a broken world
You have been saved
Washed in the blood of the lamb

You will not be thrown
Into the pits of Hell
You will not burn
And smell sulfur
And burning skin
For all of eternity

You will be saved from judgment
For you have the stamp of God
On your forehead
And you are untouchable

You are saved from the tribulation
And have been loved
And saved

I promised to be there
Through out the walk of life
I never promised it would be easy
Because Satan is the prince of the Earth
But I am the king of the universe

The devil will attack you
And as a disciple of mine
You have a target on your back
For he wants to shut you up
And for you to shut me out

But have faith
For I am here
And though he is strong
I am stronger

So give your pain
Give me your struggles
And through me
Washed in the blood of the lamb
You are saved from the Devil

Though he sounds true
Though he twists words
And tells lie after lie
Listen for my voice
In all of the chaos
For I am there

I have
I am
And I will always be with you

Smiles all around
But something seems different
Something seems wrong

But we ignore it
Ignore all the problems
Ignore all the hate
And hurt

We smile
We laugh
We hug
We dance

We forget tomorrow
Like it was yesterday

So the smiles keep on coming
Numbing the inevitable pain

One day
The numb will melt away
With the love of loved one
Like ice
In your warm hand

Today
We are together
Once friends
Now family

All with our own problems
But with our lives intertwined
Together
We smile

Tomorrow
Is yesterday
When we loose our smiles

And tomorrow
Is when
We work together

Close friends
Practically family
With smiles
And laughs

Because tomorrow
We have problems
And today we share smiles

You sick *******
I can't believe I actually started to believe you
You played me like a fiddle
And made me the fool



I trusted you
I loved you
I thought we had you back
I thought you actually gave a ****

BUT I GUESS NOT

They gave you an inch
And you took a mile
Because you don't care
You don't care about me
You don't care about them

You just flat out DON'T CARE

I share everything with you
I tell you things
That I don't even tell my best friend

But you don't tell me anything
It's like I don't even know you
I don't think I ever did
I don't know what the truth is about you anymore

I can't believe I TRUSTED YOU

We live in under the same roof
But you aren't a part of this family
You pushed us away
Especially when we tried to help you
You don't love us anymore
Honestly, I don't think you ever did

What is the truth LITTLE BROTHER?

I wish I could hate you
I wish I could tell you to burn in Hell
I wish I could forget about you
I wish I could pretend you didn't exist
I wish I could act as if it doesn't hurt
I wish I could ignore you

But I CAN'T

Just because you don't care for me
Doesn't mean I don't care for you
No matter what you do to me, little brother
I will still love you
Even with a bruised and broken heart
That is all your fault

These four walls
Are they my safe haven
Or my prison?

My heart keeps me locked in here
As if I was a prisoner

Only a year and a half
Until I have to grow up
And I'm afraid

The decisions I have to make
Seem to tower over me
Like unstable skyscrapers
As if they will collapse on me at any moment
And crush me

How am I supposed to go to college
And get a job
If I can't seem to leave my room

It's hard
To be even around my parents
I can't handle people
I pretend
But as the days pass
I'm ****** deeper and deeper
Into the pit of my thoughts

I can't think
I can't function
So I'm forced into
A child like state of mind

I can't handle my reality
So I distract myself
With YouTube videos
And stories
And music

So you tell me
Is this room
My safe haven
Or my prison?

I can't leave
But I can't stay
So I'm stuck
In a state of motionless motion
Where I'm going, going, going
But not moving at all

I couldn't sleep last night
Because of this realization
That I'm going nowhere
That my time is running out

I have found
That no matter what I do
I feel trapped
With an invisible collar wrapped too tightly around my neck
And multiple chains attached to my body

So here I am
In my bedroom
Afraid of the world
Afraid of the future
Afraid of the past
Afraid of people
Afraid of growing up

I'm afraid of everything

I find it quite pathetic
That my anxiety has gotten this bad
But no matter what people say
No matter what I know logically

It doesn't matter
Because I'm stuck

I'm paralyzed with fear
And I can't pull myself out of it
No matter what I try to do

I tell myself
That I can do it
I can win
I'm strong
I'm a warrior in the battle
That takes place in my head

But they all
Sound like bittersweet lies
Sound like false hope
Even when I hear it from others
It just sounds so......

Fake

I just wish this Hell would end
And I could escape this prison
That I call my safe haven
Because I don't want to be locked up
In this room
For the rest of my life
By the fears of my heart

She smiles
Her eyes sparkle
She laughs
She is full of energy
But inside
Inside she's hollow
Behind her sparkling eyes
Are held back tears
Inside her laughs
Are hidden cries
She stands tall
With weights in her hands
With in every line
Is a hidden lie

College
I got accepted in college
And I'm launching forward
In fast forward

But I left him behind
I didn't mean to
But he got stuck in the past
And I'm in the future

And we broke
We broke apart
And now we're both alone

I knew it was coming
I knew one of us was going to leave
I just didn't know who
Or when
And now that it's here...
I'm crushed

I'm so tired
Sleep came late last night
Because homework was a load

Now I'm drowning
In a sea of sorrow
As I replay our love story

Every love song is another stab to the heart
Every hallway in this school
Brings another ghost of you
Every time I close my eyes
I remember your perfect face

I want to get over this
I know I'll be okay
But I want to skip over the heart ache
I want to skip over the depression
I want to skip over the self destruction

I know it's for the best
But I want him back
I want to know he's mine
I want him to know I still love him
Even when we're not together

But I know it's not going to happen
If I begged
And cried
And got him back
Who would I be helping?

Because I'm moving forward
And he's stuck in the past
I can't force him to come along
Even though I want to

So this is good bye
This is where I draw the line
I'm not going to beg
I'm not going to scream
I'm not going to do anything
But quietly pray for this heartache to go away

So good bye, my love
Good bye

My past haunts me
My future taunts me

But when I'm with you

I'm at peace
And it's weird
But wonderful
All at the *same time

I can't seem
To hold it together

Oh gosh
I can't breath
This might be a problem

Here comes the shakes
Wonderful

Ouch
That hurts
My stomach is twisting
Am I going to *****?

I can't hold this pencil
My hand is covered in sweat
Fantastic

Ugh
I can't do this assignment
My brain is rushing too fast
How do you spell the again?

Is my heart still beating?
Did I just die?
My chest is so tight
This can't be good

I can't focus
Is that a penguin on my paper?
When did that get there?

What?
How long has he been talking to me?
Focus
Who is that?
Oh
That is my buddy
Hi buddy

What is he saying?
I know he is saying something
I can see his lips move
And hear his voice
But what is he saying?

"In and out, Monica.
In.
Out.
Focus on me."
Oh
There he is

Is it over?
Am I free now?

I can breath again
My tummy still feels funny
But that feeling usually likes to stick around

Is my heart trying to escape?
It must have been too tight
So it crawled into my throat
Interesting

The air fills my lungs again
It feels wonderful
Even if it was only a few seconds
I missed my oxygen

"Are you okay?"
Another buddy asks
She's cool

"Are you sure?"
My guy buddy is talking to me again
Cool. They must really care

"Ya. I'm okay. It was just an anxiety attack."

Please don't hate me
For the secrets that chain me

I hoped you wouldn't see
What is underneath

I'm a monster myself
There is no way to deny

So shield your heart
Shield your ways

Because once your mine
There is no escape

No where to run
Or hide

The monster inside
Reaches out
Towards anyone close

Threatening to revel my secrets
Secrets that will destroy me
Destroy your affection for me

I'm ruled by a monster
That lives inside
It takes over

I'm the monster

I will butcher your heart
It's not a matter of if
It's a matter of when

You deny it
I see it in your eyes

Look at my history
My beloved
Everything I touch
Is destroyed

I'm a monster

And no matter what you say
It will happen

Because the monster
That becomes me
Is sedated at the moment
But it will come out

It always does
Through the hurt
The pain

It awakens
And swallows me

Then I'm the monster
And I'm destructive
And vicious

And unintentionally
Will DESTROY you

I am a **monster

Snap out of it
You're fine
You have medication
Did you forget to take it?

What's wrong?
Why are you so sad?
What do you mean you don't know?

I have medicine
But that doesn't cure me
It's not a magic pill

Well you must not be trying hard enough
You must not want to get better*

What do you mean I don't want to get better?
You don't think I'm trying?
Do you think I enjoy living in my own personal Hell?

Do you understand,
What it's like to have depression?
Do you understand,
What it's like to be angry all the time,
For absolute no reason?

Picture this
You can't move
Your bones are made of lead

You want to shred you skin
Like paper in a paper shreder
Because you hate your apearence
Your skin crawls looking down at yourself
Or in the mirror

You want to rip out your vocal cords
Just to feel the pain
Just so you feel SOMETHING

You want to scream
And lash out
Throw chairs
Flip tables

You don't want to exist
But you don't want to die
So you're stuck in this in between space
Forever

So if you think
For even a second
That I enjoy this
You are sadly mistaken

I may be on medication
And it was a little over two years ago
that this all started
But everyday is an uphill battle

And little do you know
I fight it ALONE
I don't ask for your help
I don't ask for your pity
I don't ask for anything

Because I know what you're going to say

So I guess it doesn't matter anway

5 months
   153 days
          3,672 hours
I still taste your kiss
    I still feel your embrace
           I still hear your voice
But I also hear the fights
    I still hear the insults
           I still feel the guilt

I want to hate you
I want to despise you
I want to push you away

But I can't

I can't stop loving you
I can't stop thinking of you
I can't breath around you

I hate myself
But I miss you

Tears
So many painful tears
Tears shed late at night
When no one can see them

Quiet sobs
Echo into the black
Almost silent
To not wake the family
They cannot see my pain

My soul is empty
Evacuating my body with each exhale
As if there is no room
With the demons
That enter with each inhale

I force a smile
An empty and pretend smile
With broken laughter
And pretend light in my eyes

16 years of practice
I've gotten good at pretending
Outsiders never notice
The lifelessness in my eyes
Or the emptiness in my smile

I'm even starting to fool
The ones closest to me
The people who see me
Nearly every day

I could probably fool myself
Into thinking I was okay
If it wasn't for my heavy, broken heart
If it wasn't for my lifeless soul
And clouded mind
I could probably fool myself

How do people live like this?
I wouldn't really even call this living
It's going through the motions
Faking it until you make it

When will I find rest?
When does it get easy?
Because I'm questioning my strength
The strength everyone says I have
Even though
They can't feel my burdens
And my pain

Even connected with God
I feel all alone
In the war in my head
It seems unwinable
Impossible

I want to end it
The pain
The tears
The suffering

I pray to God
Almost every night
To just **** me
Let me die in my sleep
So I can escape the world
And finally be at peace

But I wake up
Every morning
Just as empty as the day before

Suicide isn't an option
Even though it is so tempting
So so tempting
But if God won't **** me
There must be a reason

But I don't see one
I'm a monster
I'm destruction
I'm chaos

I love my family
So I fight for them
Even if I feel abandoned
And rejected
And alone
Because when I love
I love with my everything
And I almost never stop

So I cry myself to sleep
As an attempt to ease the pain
I quietly sob into my pillow
Praying for an escape
That I know won't come

I honestly wish
I could explain
What you mean to me
And what you do

You are a life saver
A miracle, you could say
You held me at my worst
And wiped away my tears

You listened to me
And did whatever you could
To make me smile

I was on edge
And wanted to jump
But you held my hand
And pulled me back
Then held me against your chest so tight
As if I'd disappear otherwise

You convinced me
To stop the self-harm
Because you knew
My need for other's safety
Was a larger priority to me
Then my health

You told
Whatever I did to myself
You'd do it
To your body
Because you knew
I didn't want that

Whenever I panicked
You held my hands
That way I couldn't fall into old habits
Of tearing my skin apart

You make me smile
And pull me out of my self-hate
And depression
Faster than anyone else

I've never met anyone quite like you
Because even though
You're just as broken as me
You love me anyways
And we are fixing each other
At the same time
Without even trying

You mean more to me
Then I think you realize
Because no matter what I say
It isn't even close to what I actually feel

You smile at me
And I can't stop the smile
That forms on my lips

Whenever you kiss my temple
Or forehead
I get butterflies

Whenever you hug me
Or hold me against your chest
I feel like nothing could hurt me
As if it's the safest place in the world

When you "pick on" me
I can't help but laugh
And smile
And do it back

Whenever I act like a kid
You have this cute little smile
That is reserved for me
Because you think I'm being cute

Even though we aren't together
All the time
You take care of me

You make sure I eat
And take my medicine
You make sure I get sleep
And get my school work done

You're the first thought I have in the morning
And last thought before I go to bed

You're the reason I smile
And the reason I laugh

You help me be
A better person than I was
You don't baby me
Or feel the need to shelter me

You protect me
But see me as an equal

You pulled me out of the dark
And showed me the light
That I have inside
And showed me what everyone else sees
Which is something no one has been able to do before

I believe God gave me you
For a specific reason
And I believe it's because
We build each other up
And make each other better people

And to think
This all happened
Because you needed a friend
While you were hurting
And I reached out
And now here we are

And I'm hopelessly
In love with you
And I'm falling harder every day

And I'm really glad that you're there to catch me

Congradu-*******-lations
You broke my heart again

I saw you once
My heart skipped twice
And I had to rethink three times

I saw you and smiled
Forgot for a moment
A split second in time
How cruel and unkind you are

Your hair was shaggy
Your shirt was baggy
And I almost looked in your eyes

But then I remembered
How pathetic you are

You're so strong
You're so powerful
But that's physically

Mentally...
Not so much

You're like a small child
Who wines and cries
And throws tantrums every day

I wonder why I stayed with you
For four ******* years
Because lets be real

You didn't deserve me

Not to sound vain
But I've got to make this plain
I gave you my heart
And you broke it apart

I take back what I said earlier though
Because you can't break something
You don't have

And you
My friend
Don't have my heart

I gave it away
And my love is here to stay
So you can't hurt me no more

But I'll admit
I hate what we did
But I'd never take it back

I learned from you
I was taught some very important lessons
Lessons that will stick with me
For the rest of my life

They hurt me
And sometimes feel like they ******* me
But in reality
They built me

I'm a good person
Even when I don't feel like it

I love people
I treat them with respect
I treat them
The way I expect them to treat me

So I made a vow
They day my eyes were open
To never
EVER
Be like you

And though sometimes
My words don't ring true
I am doing so much better
Without you

So because of you
I know what to do
I know how to read the signs

I know how to act
And where to draw the line
I know when to say okay
And when to say no way

So when I saw you today
For a moment
A split second in time
I saw you as the guy
That I use to call mine

But then I blinked
And had to rethink
And remembered the monster you hide

Though I remember
Things I wish I could forget
I know deep inside
That I'll be alright

Because I'm not afraid of monsters anymore
I've grown up
And seen the light in people
That you made me believe wasn't there

I'd think I was okay
Then I'd see you
And my body would just shut down

Now I see you
And a smirk plays on my lips
As it's you who looks to the ground

So I'm all right
You can't burn out my light
Because lets be real

You can't take
And break
My heart anymore
Because you have no control

Time is the enemy
It's going to fast
The minutes rush past
And slip through my fingers

There is a suffocating silence
That surrounds us
We all know what's happening
But no one wants to say it
Because then it's true

I can't breath
I can't think
Tear after tear fall
I'm surprised I haven't run out

My heart is broken
And I can't fix it
Because she has half of it

Why did this happen
Why
Why
Why

So many questions
Not enough answers

Mama isn't going to make it
She's fought so hard
But she just couldn't win

I love you mama
Please don't go
Please stay here
With me

I took you for granted
All the moments I could have hugged you
Or kissed you
Or said I love you

I wish I could change it
I wish i could save you
I feel so helpless
So powerless
So...

Defeated

It wont be the same
Without you by my side
It won't be the same
With you holding half my heart

It's not fair
With the brain cancer
And kemo
How much you fought
It's not fair
That you still lost

I love you mama
I always will
You will forever hold
A place in my heart

Today I was in church
And we talked about suffering
The pain we all have
No one is exempt

Pastor had said
God sends us grace
Through people
And prayer
And trust
The Holy Spirit
And the bible

Accept the grace
You're not the same
You're better

Ignore the grace
You're not the same
You're bitter

Pastor told us to share our story
To share our suffering
So here I am
Broken and afraid
And here it is

My first boyfriend
Was mean
Verbally abusive
And extremely controlling

I lost my friends
And almost my family

I shut down slowly
Depression taking hold of me

With him
I dug a grave
With him
I wasn't me
But I let the relationship be

Daddy stepped in
And set me free
Of the poison
He used to control me

I finally saw him
For who he really was

I was angry at first
That God sent him to me
I was angry at first
That God didn't help me

But now I see
Why it was meant for me
I feel the pain
Of another's tough break up
I have a compassion
Different then before

So I give thanks to my God
Even if it ******
Because now I see
How it was meant for me

26 letters

Thousands of combinations
Known as words

Combinations strung together
In phrases
Lines
Sentences

Some used to build
Some to destroy

Poetry
Rhyming
Feelings
Patterns

Stories we share
Pieces of our life
Feelings we hide from the people in our little world

But it's only combinations
Nothing but 26 letters

People
They cause so much pain
Stress
Anxiety

It makes my brain
Want to explode
Because I can't handle
People

I'm rejected
Even when I try
To fit in

I've been told
That I've got to reach out
And go half way
To make and keep friends

And I tried
I tried really, really hard
Because people scare me
So I pushed myself
Out of my shell
To talk to people

And I got rejected
They talked to me
For a little while
But then walked away

How pathetic
Do you think it would be
If I started following them around
Like a lost puppy?

So I sat alone
In silence
Working on my project
Trying not to cry
As I realized....

I don't fit in anywhere

It's always been like this
No matter how hard I try
I always get pushed away
Put on the back burner
The second choice

So I give up
Why even bother
If my heart will just be broken?

I just wanna stay in my room
Or something
And pretend I'm okay
Pretend that my heart isn't damaged
Because that's all I know how to do

I cried last night
I cried because of the loneliness I feel
I cried because of the rejection
And self-hate

Am I not good enough?
Did I do something wrong?
Why am I always the second choice?
And put on the back burner?

I get attention
Because I'm loud and obnoxious
But no one pays attention to me
When I'm quiet
When I'm anxious or depressed

My so-called "friends"
Don't even bat an eye
When I sit down
And just cry

I hate people
People just kind of ****
They hurt me
And reject me
So why bother with people?

I go out of my way
To try and make friends
But nope
It doesn't work

I try to be a good person
A friend I'd want to have
But it's difficult
Especially when I continuously get hurt

So I don't know
What's the point
Of doing anything?

I just don't know anymore

Swaying trees
And singing birds
Dancing daises
And busy bumble bees

The grass brushes her skin
Touching her lightly with it's soft fingertips
The wind pulls at her hair playfully

She looks up
Sensing his presence

He was beautiful
Strong and lean
A smile of angels

She looked down
To the meadow in which she sits
She smooths the perfect fabric of her dress

His voice silences the birds
The wind slows to a stop
Everything is calm
Quiet

The wold revolves around this stranger
This attractive stranger

She sat still
Very aware of the stillness
Inside and out

Then

A single phrase
A string of words
Forces a racing heart

"I've come to you, my dear."

Your love
Is incomprehensible
Your sacrifice
Is massive
Especially
For a broken soul
Like mine

There you hung
In unimaginable pain
With spikes through your hands
And feet

Gravity pulled at you
Begging you to fall
Wanting you to collapse on the ground
But there you staid
With the muscles in your hands tearing
The bones grinding and crunching

You felt alone
As you hung there
With the bashing words
They spat at you

You could have come down
From the ******, hard cross
You didn't have to suffer
With blood in your eyes
And dried blood lacing your feet and hands

I imagine the wood was rough
Stabing you in the back and arms and legs
How did you do it

Only once did you cry out
Calling to your Father
Begging for our forgiveness

How could you do that
How did you not feel hate
Resentment
Anger
Towards the beings you were trying to save

What were you thinking
Did you feel all the sin
Of the imperfect human race
Of past, present, and future

Did you feel depression
Anger
Lust
Terror
Did the entire spectrum of human emotion run across your mind

Did you think of your mother
Or your father
Maybe you brothers and sisters
As you hung on the dried out tree

Did you think of the disciples
Of the one who sold you out
The one who disowned you
Did you feel anger towards them
Or pity

Did you want to scream out
Did you want to cry
Did the air in your lungs
Become forced
As your life slowed to a stop

When you died
Where did you go
Did you fall to Hell
To the hungry, firery flames

Did you continue to suffer
For me
For us
For the whole of humanity

What happened after death
When you were in the grips of Satan
Did he torture you
For three days

Where you finally relieved
When you rose from the dead
Or did you find annoyance instead
At the disbelief
Of mere humans

Did you lose your patience
Trying to help us
Understand your immaculate power

Were you upset
When you left the world
Especially knowing
How broken it is

Was it difficult to leave
When they all begged you to stay
When you knew of their pain
Of the trouble that lied ahead

It's uncomprehendable
To know what it was like
To understand why
You'd want to save humanity

Because humanity is destructive
Humanity is broken
Humanity is almost lost

Yet you choose to die for us
To save us
To protect us from the fires of Hell

I don't understand
Your desire to save us
To love us
To protect us

But thank you
Thank you for everything
Even if it doesn't make sense
And we don't deserve it
Thank you

PTSD couldn't happen to me
It wasn't tramatic
You're being dramatic!

Flashbacks my ***
They're just haunting memories
That dance through my head
From time to time

Nightmares as clear as day
Please
I'm sure you're in dismay
But it's just a fiction
In my head

Aching heart
That's normal
A part of my life

Nauseas feeling
I must not have eaten enough with my medication

There he is
In a sea of noisy people
My heart is pounding
My palms are sweating
And my stomach is turned in knots

Shut up
You don't know what you're saying
Of course I'm not scared
I have nothing to be scared of

Why are my palms sweaty?
There are too many people
Why do I feel sick?
I'm really hungry

There is no possible way
I have what you say
For it wasn't tramatic
You just like to be dramatic

Normality
Sanity
Hopeful
And comfortable

Things I've searched for
My entire life
Things I cannot seem to find

I've moved
Been abused
Been bullied
Been neglected
Been heartbroken
Been forgotten
Been rejected

There is no normality in my life
No steadiness
No plan

I've been hospitalized
Take medications
Been suicidal
Almost self harmed
Been so anxious, I get sick
Been so depressed I can't move

I have no sanity
Never really have
I've longed for it
Just so I could fit in

I've been crushed
Been promised something but never received it
Been lied to
Been left out
Been alone

I've lost hope
In the people around me
Lost trust
And faith

I've been depressed
Been alone
Been rejected
Been abused
Been forced to do things

I've never been comfortable
I always get curveballs
It seems nothing goes right
Ever

Normality
Sanity
Hopeful
And comfortable

Things I've searched for
My entire life
Things I cannot seem to find

Fake smiles
Pretend laughs
Broken hearts
And missed memories
Shedding tears
And hidden sobs
Sniffling nose
And rehearsed lines
All to pass one more minute
One more day
Time doesn't stop for a broken heart
So lie your way through it
With your fake smile
And pretend laugh
Hide your broken heart

The little things in life
That make it all worth while

The "how are you"s
And "later boo"s

The forehead kisses
And comfort hugs

The goofy laughter
And silly faces

The baby cousins
And great grandmas

It's the little things in life
That make me hold on

Don't forget the little things honey
If you're going down that path

It's no fun
I've been one
It seems long
Just hold on

You'll win
Just hold on
To the little things

Silence
Peace at last
The subtle breeze
Sending chills down the spine
Silence
Snow falling
Coating the world in white
Making it pure
A fresh slate
With a layer of silence
Peace
Calm
The steam of breath
Escaping the body's warmth
The coat wrapping the body doesn't seem close enough
The cold seeps in
But its beautiful still
Beautiful silence
Beautiful snow

Happy
Sad
Manic
Depressed
Extatic
Suffocated

I'm on a thin line
Between it all
Walking on a fishing line
100 miles long

Some days it's easy
And I walk in a straight line
Other days I'm hanging by a finger
My feet and hands hurt
As it continually digs into my skin

I want to let go
I want to forget the pain
And fall into nothingness

But that's suicide

I've got people who love me
Screaming my name
With their arms wide open
On the other side of the line
They feel so close
Yet they are so far

Every time I get close
The line seems to grow
And almost every day
A new knot is in the line

It digs into my bare skin
Forcing me to cry out
But no one hears me
They're screaming too loud

I bleed and cry
But it's all in vain
Because I have to keep walking
On the thin, almost invisible, line

Every day is a battle
Every day I fight a war
Against myself
Against the world
Against the Devil
Against a lot of things

All while I walk on a fishing line

Blank walls
Empty space
Closing in
Can't escape
No way out
Empty shouts
Screaming echos
Bleeding ears
I can't see through all these tears
Which way's up
Which way's down
I want to crumble to the ground
My lungs collapse
My ribs shatter
Punctured heart
It doesn't matter
I can't believe I'm still alive
Is everything around me a lie
Blank walls
Empty space
Am I about to be erased
Closing in
Death to come
I can't win
It's too strong

You say I'm sorry
You say That's gotta be hard
You say so many things

But you don't understand
You don't understand how hard it is
How hard it is to hear that 6 letter word

Six letters that mean death
Six letters that mean hopless
Six letters that mean fear

C
A
N
C
E
R

It's something you don't know
You think you know
You think you understand
But you don't
Not until it hits you
Hits someone you love
And the world shatters around you

You're hit with a train
You're hit with a ton of bricks
You fall from the edge
Into the depths of darkness
And you cry
And cry
And cry
Until you have no more tears

Then you're numb
You're numb because of the six letter word
The six letter word that means certain death
Death to those who have it
No matter how hard they fight