I always thought
The tiny little creatures
That we call hamsters
Were adorable
When they run on the tiny wheel

That is
Until I realized that
I'm the hamster
Running, running, running
But going nowhere

My anxiety propels me
To run, run, run
My instinct is to run away
But, just like the small creature
It just loops around me

I push it away
And it gets worse
And it just snowballs
Growing bigger

And bigger

And BIGGER

Then I'm stuck
Spinning so fast
On this hamster wheel
Round and round and round

I'm going faster than the speed of light
And I can't process things
But I brought this upon myself
By thinking, I could run away in the first place

Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid

I am so stupid
I have a mental illness
And it's not going away
No matter where I run

It's like a small child
Clinging to my leg for dear life
No matter what I do
That **** thing is with me

I can tell
That people are getting sick of me
I feel it
A feeling I'm all too familiar with
This is the feeling
That tells me to prepare for the storm
Because they are getting ready to leave

Just like a hamster
It's cute at first
But the squeaky wheel
Slowly drives one insane
And it's not so cute anymore

At first
People pitied me
As they tried to help me
But I continue
To use my anxiety
As a reason for my dysfunction
And it's driving everyone insane

At this point
I want to shut down
Stick a knife in my temple
And **** my brain
So I can think
But I won't
Because I have WAY too much to live for

So my next best option
Is to shut people out
And get the **** done

Alone

Because that's what I'm best at

It was stupid to ask for help
In a war against myself
That no one else sees
Because that's what pushes people away

They see me
For the monster I actually am
With my constant anxiety
And horrible depression
And they get overwhelmed
And leave

So the best thing I can do
Is lock this up
Put on a happy face
And pretend nothing is wrong
Lik I've done for almost 17 years now

I can't lose more people
I just can't handle the heartbreak
And I'm afraid
That my catastrophic brain
Will slowly destroy
The relationships I've worked so hard to build

So here I go
Just gotta hold my breath
Smile
Hold my head up high
And pretend I'm okay
Because that's the only way
To fight this impossible war

Fake it until you make it

*Right?