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Phoenix Sep 2016
So many painful tears
Tears shed late at night
When no one can see them

Quiet sobs
Echo into the black
Almost silent
To not wake the family
They cannot see my pain

My soul is empty
Evacuating my body with each exhale
As if there is no room
With the demons
That enter with each inhale

I force a smile
An empty and pretend smile
With broken laughter
And pretend light in my eyes

16 years of practice
I've gotten good at pretending
Outsiders never notice
The lifelessness in my eyes
Or the emptiness in my smile

I'm even starting to fool
The ones closest to me
The people who see me
Nearly every day

I could probably fool myself
Into thinking I was okay
If it wasn't for my heavy, broken heart
If it wasn't for my lifeless soul
And clouded mind
I could probably fool myself

How do people live like this?
I wouldn't really even call this living
It's going through the motions
Faking it until you make it

When will I find rest?
When does it get easy?
Because I'm questioning my strength
The strength everyone says I have
Even though
They can't feel my burdens
And my pain

Even connected with God
I feel all alone
In the war in my head
It seems unwinable

I want to end it
The pain
The tears
The suffering

I pray to God
Almost every night
To just **** me
Let me die in my sleep
So I can escape the world
And finally be at peace

But I wake up
Every morning
Just as empty as the day before

Suicide isn't an option
Even though it is so tempting
So so tempting
But if God won't **** me
There must be a reason

But I don't see one
I'm a monster
I'm destruction
I'm chaos

I love my family
So I fight for them
Even if I feel abandoned
And rejected
And alone
Because when I love
I love with my everything
And I almost never stop

So I cry myself to sleep
As an attempt to ease the pain
I quietly sob into my pillow
Praying for an escape
That I know won't come
Phoenix Oct 2016
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've never met anyone
Quite like you

You warm my heart
When you say my name
Make me smile
As you hold my frame

You're different than the rest
And I'm not sure why
But I love you nonetheless
And that's no lie

My skin sparks with electricity
Every single time you touch me
My stomach dances with butterflies
As you kiss my neck and nibble my ear

I love you immensely
More than you know
I won't let you go
Until you say no

I want you to know
No matter how much I show
I love you so much
And the last thing I want
Is to hurt you

Late night talks
And all day conversations
Nonstop words
About nothing and everything

I wish I could be with you
All the time
But I don't want to smother you

I love the attention
I have gotten from you
I love everything about you
And everything you do

You always make me smile
You always make me laugh
You help me forget about my past
And remind me that's not who I am

I've said it once
And I'll say it again
You're perfect to me
And you always will be

I'm so happy with you
That I smile at any thought of you

Your shaggy brown hair
And bright blue eyes
Your adorable laugh
And beautiful smile

The image of you
Is always in my mind
Making me smile
And have butterflies

I can picture us
Dancing around the house
To the music of our hearts

I can picture early morning breakfast
And quiet night time lullabies
Cuddles in bed
And kisses galore

There's so much I'm missing
That has yet to happen
All because my mind likes to wonder

I love you baby bear
No matter what you do
Because no matter what
I'll be there for you

I can't describe exactly
What you mean to me
Because I don't have the right words

I find it amazing
On where we are today
Because it feels like just yesterday
I was telling you to behave

I tried to push you away
And ignore the feelings I had for you
Just because I was afraid
Of what you would do
If you knew
The real me

But you wrapped me in your arms
And said you don't care
Let me cry on your shoulder
And told me you'd be there

In a way
My love
You saved me from me
Because you know
The route I was on

You have loved me
Even when I hated myself
Because you saw something
That I have yet to entirely see

Whatever it is
I'm glad you've stayed
Because I'm starting to seeing myself
As everyone sees me

And to me it's incredible
Because I had known you
But didn't really know you
Not until I reached out to you

I heard you cry out
As you typed the words on the screen
So I reached out
Because that's just me

So now here we are
Closer than ever
Because I was willing
To be a good friend
When you were in need

And to be completely honest
It was the best thing I've ever done
Because I met you
And finally saw the real you

And I love it
I love your heart
I love your scars
I love every single thing
So basically

*I love you
Phoenix Sep 2016
You sick *******
I can't believe I actually started to believe you
You played me like a fiddle
And made me the fool

I trusted you
I loved you
I thought we had you back
I thought you actually gave a ****


They gave you an inch
And you took a mile
Because you don't care
You don't care about me
You don't care about them

You just flat out DON'T CARE

I share everything with you
I tell you things
That I don't even tell my best friend

But you don't tell me anything
It's like I don't even know you
I don't think I ever did
I don't know what the truth is about you anymore

I can't believe I TRUSTED YOU

We live in under the same roof
But you aren't a part of this family
You pushed us away
Especially when we tried to help you
You don't love us anymore
Honestly, I don't think you ever did

What is the truth LITTLE BROTHER?

I wish I could hate you
I wish I could tell you to burn in Hell
I wish I could forget about you
I wish I could pretend you didn't exist
I wish I could act as if it doesn't hurt
I wish I could ignore you


Just because you don't care for me
Doesn't mean I don't care for you
No matter what you do to me, little brother
I will still love you
Even with a bruised and broken heart
That is all your fault
Phoenix Nov 2015
26 letters

Thousands of combinations
Known as words

Combinations strung together
In phrases

Some used to build
Some to destroy


Stories we share
Pieces of our life
Feelings we hide from the people in our little world

But it's only combinations
Nothing but 26 letters
Phoenix Feb 2016
Why is my heart tight
From a 7 letter word

A 7 letter word
From 2 years ago

My stomach is twisting
My head is spinning
I feel the self hate

Pathetic little girl
Letting the pain come back
A 7 letter word
Is all it took

So pathetic
To let it bring the hurt back

You're supposed to be better
To put it in a grave
And let it die instead of you

But here I am
Sharp pains of guilt
And shame

My body feels weak
Heavy like lead
From a simple 7 letter word

I can feel the numb return
I can feel the pain again

A trigger

A stupid 7 letter word
Is a trigger for me

It awakens the beast
And it reminds me
How close I always am
To falling back into the grips
Of the monster inside

No matter how drugged I am
With antidepressants
And mood stabilizers
That 7 letter word
Brings back the pain
The numb
The memories of 2 years ago

Memories of Roger's Memorial
Of the fear
Of the hate

They come rushing back
Because of a 7 letter word
That has affected so many

A 7 letter word
That once had no meaning to me
But now terrifies me

A 7 letter word
A simple 7 letter word

Phoenix Oct 2017
I'm addicted
Addicted to you
Addicted to the feelings
Of the high you gave me

You left me
But I'm still stuck on you
I'm fighting
But I'm addicted
And I hate it

I'm tired
And weak
And missing you
But I'm fighting
Phoenix Nov 2015
I'm not afraid
Of you

I'm not afraid
To be me

I'm not afraid
To tell you the truth

I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid


I'm terrified
Of you

I'm terrified
To be me

I'm terrified
To tell you the truth

I'm not afraid
I'm terrified

Phoenix Nov 2015
I can't see
Why you did this to me

I don't understand
Was this part of your plan

Why do you hurt me
Even when you're so far away

I can't move on
For I am afraid

Why do you want
All of my soul
It's like you have
All the control

You've been gone for five months now
With the occasional small talk

You're my worst mistake
One that will last forever

I wish you were someone
I couldn't remember

I met someone new
But constantly think of you
All the pain you caused

I'm afraid for this someone new
That I'll hurt him
And be like you

I'm afraid for me
That this someone new
Will be just like you
Phoenix Jan 2016
Hey you
Ya you
You with the pills

What are you doing?
Do you know what you're about to do?
You're about to end your life!
That doesn't just affect you
It affects everyone around you

It will make your mom cry
It will make your dad weak in the knees
It will make your brother question everything
It will make your sister afraid
Your best friend will cry
Over your loss

So please
For me
A random poet
Who has been there

Put down the pills
Put away the gun
Put down the knife
Put back the alcohol

Ya it ***** now
I'm not going to tell you it doesn't
But this is one small bump
In your entire life!

You've got so much ahead of you
I promise
It will get better
In some shape or form

I don't know
What pain your going through
But I do know suicide tonight
Isn't the solution for tomorrow

Because tomorrow might be
The best day of your life
But you'll never know
If you don't wait
And find out
Suicide Hotline:
1 (800) 273-8255
Phoenix May 2018
Heart ache

I can't see an end
I can't see the light
I can't see the positive

My anxiety kicks in
My heart aches
And paranoia kicks in

He doesn't love you
He doesn't want you
You're a reject
No one loves you
You'll die alone

My heart aches
As this echos
Over and
OVer and
OVEr and
OVER and

I can't push it down
I can't push it away
I can't pretend it's not there
I can't pretend it's not real

It's so real
It's so difficult
It's so....


I want to be *normal

I want to be in control
I want to be sane

But that's too much to ask
Because even medicine can't control me
My anxiety is too high
My paranoia is too much
I just have to face the music

I'll forever be insane
I'll forever be unstable
I'll forever be paranoid
It keeps saving really weird. I tried to fix it but it doesn't seem to want to save correctly.
Phoenix Dec 2017
Sometimes I think in poems
When I'm happy
When I'm sad
When I'm in love
When I'm angry

Sometimes I think in poems
And everything suddenly makes sense
I think what'd I'd write
Then the emotion is gone
Too bad it never gets written down

Because like a passenger
It shifts in
And out
On my train of thoughts

I think in poems
That are so powerful
That they make me cry
So powerful
That they make me smile
A rueful, angry smile
So powerful
That emotions surge through me
Like waves in the stormy sea

Too bad no one will hear them
Too bad no one will read them
Because once they leave
I don't remember them
Phoenix Nov 2015
Swaying trees
And singing birds
Dancing daises
And busy bumble bees

The grass brushes her skin
Touching her lightly with it's soft fingertips
The wind pulls at her hair playfully

She looks up
Sensing his presence

He was beautiful
Strong and lean
A smile of angels

She looked down
To the meadow in which she sits
She smooths the perfect fabric of her dress

His voice silences the birds
The wind slows to a stop
Everything is calm

The wold revolves around this stranger
This attractive stranger

She sat still
Very aware of the stillness
Inside and out


A single phrase
A string of words
Forces a racing heart

"I've come to you, my dear."
Phoenix Nov 2015
A stuffed bunny
With the name of Hope
Long ears
And a little fluffy tail

A small gift
A big impact

Filled with self hate
And hopelessness

Nothing but pain
And regrets
Filled me and others

But this small gift
This stuffed bunny named Hope
Was a remider

A reminder
That I have people on the other side
Waiting for my return
People who care
People who love me

People worth FIGHTING for

All because of a bunny named Hope
Phoenix Dec 2015
I'm sick of being the bad guy
The pain
And torture

I'm sick of being the bad guy
In all the roles I play
Life is just a movie
And I'm always to take the blame

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Always at the end of the gun
Words being my enemy

The words are as sharp as knives
Feel like the bite of a bullet

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Who isn't ever good enough

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Feeling pathetic
With every word I say

I'm sick of being the bad guy

I'm sick of being the bad guy

I'm so SICK of being the bad guy

Is it time to change roles yet
When can I save someone
Instead of destroy them

I want to bring hope
Not despair

People say
I'm not the bad guy
But the mirror says otherwise

I see every fault
Which pulls out the demons
The monsters

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Always being the one to **** up!
Always being the mistake
Always being the bad guy

I'm sick of it!
I can't take it!
I want to be the good guy!

If I'm the bad guy any longer
I might just crack
Cave under pressure

When will I be good enough
Strong enough
Powerful enough
To be the good guy

Phoenix Sep 2018
That's it
That's all
Everything about you is


Your blue green eyes resemble the world
Full of life
And love
And possibilities

Your soft lips
Speak truth
And emit warmth

Your blond hair
Reminds me of rays of golden sunlight

Your strong hands
Hold me up when I'm falling down
And poke me until I smile

Your smooth voice
Is like warm honey
Flowing around me like a melody

You leave me speechless
You leave me breathless
You leave me motionless

I can't express what I think
I can't express what I feel
Except with the simple phrase of

I love you

And I do
With all my heart
All my mind
And all my soul

I've never known a love as this
All consuming

I see you
I know you
And I'm lucky enough to have you

And it's beautiful
Phoenix Nov 2015
Peace at last
The subtle breeze
Sending chills down the spine
Snow falling
Coating the world in white
Making it pure
A fresh slate
With a layer of silence
The steam of breath
Escaping the body's warmth
The coat wrapping the body doesn't seem close enough
The cold seeps in
But its beautiful still
Beautiful silence
Beautiful snow
Phoenix Sep 2016
What a sick game
A game of chess I can't seem to win
I'm a pawn
Being moved back and forth
But no matter where I go
It's a checkmate

I'm so close to the edge
I'm looking into the pit of depression
I know he's down there
He's always down there

Here I stand
On the edge
Even with the knowledge of his destruction

What a bittersweet mentality
Things are so sweet and peaceful
Then it suddenly tastes bitter in my mouth

My words turn into cement
Closing my throat
And suffocating me

So close to the edge
I can see over the pit
I can see the other side
But I'm afraid to jump
I'm afraid to go for it
Because of this bittersweet mentality

I'd get there
To the other side
And I'd be happy
But then I'd fall
Fall into the deepest, darkest pits of depression

So I stay on this side
Trying to find away across
Pacing back and forth
Like a pawn on a chess board
Trying to solve an endless puzzle

I feel like I'm about to fall
But I'm fighting
I feel like I'm going to lose
But I know I'm going to win

I won't let this bittersweet mentality
Rule my life anymore
I'll get through this
By myself
Or with the help of those around me

I will get through this

No thanks to my bittersweet mentality
Phoenix Sep 2023
My brain is putty
It's melting out my ears
I cannot think straight

It's soupy like ice cream
And dripping through my fingers

It has no ability
To maintain words
My teacher is speaking
And it sounds like absolute nonsense

My brain is melting
And seeping out my ears
I cannot focus
I cannot hear
Phoenix Jun 2017
It’s been a month
A month of silence
A month of numb
A month of nothing

I’m  b   r    e     a      k      i       n       g

I’m breaking
And it doesn’t matter
Because no one sees

I want to scream
I want to lash out
But I can’t
And I won’t

I’m so NUMB
I feel so ALONE

It’s been a month
Since I last saw you

It’s been two months
Since I’ve been locked away
Locked away
Where I’m alone
Cut off from the real world

It feels like I’m suffocating
Drowning in air
Drowning in thoughts

I’d known this was to come
I’d known all along
I’d known
Because all good things
Come to an end

Good things
Happy things
Joyful things
They don’t last
Not for people
Like me

People like me
Who ***** up
People like me
Who are stuck
People like me
Who are hopeless

I guess it’s normal
Normal to be depressed
Normal to be numb
Normal to be drowning

Because I’m always depressed
I’m always numb
I’m always drowning

I just pretend I’m okay
I just smile until you think I’m fine

I just **pretend
Phoenix Oct 2015
Broken ribs
Punctured heart
Broken memories
Punctured lungs
Wasting away
Blinded eyes
Am I alone
I can't breath
My heart is broken
My screams are choked
Can you hear me
Can you see me
I'm wasting away
My life is short
Do you care
Do I care
My heart is broken
My memories are broken
Everything is broken
Phoenix Aug 2016
Time is the enemy
It's going to fast
The minutes rush past
And slip through my fingers

There is a suffocating silence
That surrounds us
We all know what's happening
But no one wants to say it
Because then it's true

I can't breath
I can't think
Tear after tear fall
I'm surprised I haven't run out

My heart is broken
And I can't fix it
Because she has half of it

Why did this happen

So many questions
Not enough answers

Mama isn't going to make it
She's fought so hard
But she just couldn't win

I love you mama
Please don't go
Please stay here
With me

I took you for granted
All the moments I could have hugged you
Or kissed you
Or said I love you

I wish I could change it
I wish i could save you
I feel so helpless
So powerless


It wont be the same
Without you by my side
It won't be the same
With you holding half my heart

It's not fair
With the brain cancer
And kemo
How much you fought
It's not fair
That you still lost

I love you mama
I always will
You will forever hold
A place in my heart
For Courtney: I know I don't know you but I felt the need to do this for you. I'm sorry for everything happening.
Phoenix Nov 2023

Too long

Trim them down
Round them out
No sharp edges

Red lines
Raised flesh
Proof of history

Rip it out
Rip it out
Rip it out
Can’t breath
Rip it out


Don’t scratch
Don’t claw
Rip it out
Can’t breath
Phoenix Dec 2016
Who knew
That we'd be this close
I never intended it to be like this

After the last one
I promised to never date
Until after school
But then you came along

We had been friends
Because you needed someone
To lean on
In your darkest hour
So there I was

Now here we are

It's almost been three months
Since we started dating
Seems so much longer

You asked me out
And I panicked at first
So I backed away
And broke your heart

But then
I saw you laugh
And joke

Then you shut down
Shut off your emotions
And I don't know what happened to me

I panicked
And chased after you
As you walked out of the classroom

I called your name
Right before I crashed my lips
Into yours

You froze for a moment
Unsure what I was doing
To be honest
I didn't know what I was doing either
I just let my emotions take over
And it was one of the best decisions
I'd ever done

Now here we are

And I'm trying so hard
To figure out what's so different
About you
Compared to them

I want to shout it to the world
And tell everyone
That you're mine

I want you to meet my family
I want you to meet the people I'm closest with

I feel like we
You and I
Are going to last a while

I feel like
There is an actual possibility
Of us moving in together
Not just a dream

Which is so different
Compared to the last few
I wanted to hide them
I didn't want my family to meet them
I didn't want any of that

But then there is you

What makes you so different?

I guess it doesn't matter
Because either way
I love you
And I hope one day
You can meet my family
And that you stick around
For at least a little while longer
Happy Birthday, babe. I love you.
Phoenix Nov 2015
I have a closet
In the back of my mind

It is where I chose to hide
All the things I want to deny

The problems
The hurt
All have a place
In my mind

The closet

Sometimes it doesn't close
Because of an overflow
But I chose to ignore it

When I'm depressed
The demons break free
And they control me

The closet door is broken
And my self control is lost

The hurt
The pain
The loss
The problems

My demons

They strangle me
They tear at my heart
They tear at my soul

All because my closet door
Is broken

Hope seems lost

But I work
And so does my construction crew
To fix my closet door
To contain my demons

To give me hope once more
Phoenix Oct 2016
You broke my heart again

I saw you once
My heart skipped twice
And I had to rethink three times

I saw you and smiled
Forgot for a moment
A split second in time
How cruel and unkind you are

Your hair was shaggy
Your shirt was baggy
And I almost looked in your eyes

But then I remembered
How pathetic you are

You're so strong
You're so powerful
But that's physically

Not so much

You're like a small child
Who wines and cries
And throws tantrums every day

I wonder why I stayed with you
For four ******* years
Because lets be real

You didn't deserve me

Not to sound vain
But I've got to make this plain
I gave you my heart
And you broke it apart

I take back what I said earlier though
Because you can't break something
You don't have

And you
My friend
Don't have my heart

I gave it away
And my love is here to stay
So you can't hurt me no more

But I'll admit
I hate what we did
But I'd never take it back

I learned from you
I was taught some very important lessons
Lessons that will stick with me
For the rest of my life

They hurt me
And sometimes feel like they ******* me
But in reality
They built me

I'm a good person
Even when I don't feel like it

I love people
I treat them with respect
I treat them
The way I expect them to treat me

So I made a vow
They day my eyes were open
To never
Be like you

And though sometimes
My words don't ring true
I am doing so much better
Without you

So because of you
I know what to do
I know how to read the signs

I know how to act
And where to draw the line
I know when to say okay
And when to say no way

So when I saw you today
For a moment
A split second in time
I saw you as the guy
That I use to call mine

But then I blinked
And had to rethink
And remembered the monster you hide

Though I remember
Things I wish I could forget
I know deep inside
That I'll be alright

Because I'm not afraid of monsters anymore
I've grown up
And seen the light in people
That you made me believe wasn't there

I'd think I was okay
Then I'd see you
And my body would just shut down

Now I see you
And a smirk plays on my lips
As it's you who looks to the ground

So I'm all right
You can't burn out my light
Because lets be real

You can't take
And break
My heart anymore
Because you have no control
Phoenix Sep 2016
If I look pretty
They won't see the demons I hide

If I smile
They won't see the death in my eyes

If I laugh
They won't hear me cry out

If I act this way
They won't know I died last summer

I'll look alive
But in reality
I'm a walking, talking, corpse

I'm rotting from the inside
Im truly dying
I'm done fighting

I'm good at pretending
Pretending I'm strong
Pretending I'm happy
Pretending I'm fine
Pretending I matter

But in reality
None of its true
Because I died last summer
When my demons took over

So now I'm a corpse
Among the living
A zombie
A machine
Just going through the motions
Phoenix Nov 2015
We're all corrupt inside
No matter how much we try to deny
What if you and I
Had monsters to hide?
Secrets to keep
And people to please
Just keep in mind
We're all corrupt inside
We all have something to hide
Phoenix Dec 2015
**** it up
Bottle it up
And put it all away

Weakness isn't an option
Vulnerability is pathetic

Don't let them close
You will be hurt
So much more

Hide it
Don't let it out

Ignore the flashbacks
Ignore the memories

You can handle the pain
You need those walls
Build them up
Shelter the pain

No one else
Needs to know
How broken you really are

Just show the surface
But don't look for pity
Pity makes it worse
But you know that

**** it up
Bottle it up
Hide the pain
It doesn't matter anyway

You can cry later
Feel the pain in silence
Cry yourself to sleep
When no one else is watching

Weakness isn't an option
And vulnerability is so pathetic
This isn't me telling you what to do. This is a lecture I've told myself. I just wanted to write it down. Maybe even show people I'm close to...
Phoenix Oct 2016
How did you see me?
     Why did you choose me?
        What made me different than everyone else?

   Did you think I was some kind of *****?
     Some type of ****, who would play your games?
        Or did you find it fun to rip away my innocence?

   I remember some of the things you said
     I remember them word for word
       And I can't seem to forget them

   We had a fight that lasted an hour
      Because I wouldn't have *** with you
        You told me you deserved it
           You told me to be a lesbian if I didn't want to further the relationship

    I told you no about something
      And then you wouldn't even touch me
        Because I didn't give you what you wanted
          You told me that you wanted a girlfriend who did what you wanted when you wanted
            And you were ****** because I didn't want to

   You used me
     You abused me
        You manipulated me
           And twisted my faith to fit your wants

    How do you see me now?
       Do you see a scared little girl?
          Who panics at the sight of you?
             Or do you see me as a strong woman?
                Who has the strength to fight?

   Did you ever really care for me?
     Or did you just care for what I'd do?

   Do you care about me now?
     Watching me grow and bloom without you?
        Do I cross your mind?
          Do you regret using me?
            Or would you do it again if you had the chance?

   Did you cry when I left you?
     Did you feel remorse for pushing me?
       Did you know that I wanted to **** myself over the pressure from you?
         Did you know I was afraid of you?
            Did you know I hated myself if I said no?
               Did you know I would've followed you anywhere because I was blinded from the attention you gave me?

   Did it ever occur to you that I was a human with emotions?
     Did you know you would damage me permanently?
       Did you know you would cause so many flashbacks that I would have trouble focusing?
         Did you know I would cry whenever I thought about you and everything you made me do?

   Do you know about these things that happen to me?
     Do you feel bad?
       Do you feel remorse?
         Do you hate yourself or are you proud?
           Do you look back at us and smile or cry?

   I hate you
    You took everything from me
       You took my innocence and purity
         You took my confidence and self-worth
            And the worst part of it all

    This happened over two years ago
      Two. ****. Years.
        But here I am
          Still hurt
            Still questioning you
              Still crying over the Hell you put me through and how blind I was

   I don't say this often
     But I hope you go to Hell
       Where you will burn for eternity

   I hope you die alone
     And no woman ever falls for your charm

    I want these things for you
      Because I hate you
        I hate you with a passion

   It's ironic really
     Especially considering I promised to marry you
       And run away to New York as soon as we turned 18
          And now I hate you
            And wish I had never met you

  Your once nieve ex,
Phoenix Apr 2016
Snap out of it
You're fine
You have medication
Did you forget to take it?

What's wrong?
Why are you so sad?
What do you mean you don't know?

I have medicine
But that doesn't cure me
It's not a magic pill

Well you must not be trying hard enough
You must not want to get better*

What do you mean I don't want to get better?
You don't think I'm trying?
Do you think I enjoy living in my own personal Hell?

Do you understand,
What it's like to have depression?
Do you understand,
What it's like to be angry all the time,
For absolute no reason?

Picture this
You can't move
Your bones are made of lead

You want to shred you skin
Like paper in a paper shreder
Because you hate your apearence
Your skin crawls looking down at yourself
Or in the mirror

You want to rip out your vocal cords
Just to feel the pain
Just so you feel SOMETHING

You want to scream
And lash out
Throw chairs
Flip tables

You don't want to exist
But you don't want to die
So you're stuck in this in between space

So if you think
For even a second
That I enjoy this
You are sadly mistaken

I may be on medication
And it was a little over two years ago
that this all started
But everyday is an uphill battle

And little do you know
I fight it ALONE
I don't ask for your help
I don't ask for your pity
I don't ask for anything

Because I know what you're going to say

So I guess it doesn't matter anway
Phoenix Nov 2023
Cold dirt, warm embrace
Starry sky looking back at me through the trees
The sounds of birds long gone
Replaced by the drawl of a distant owl

The end of me
And the start of earth
Blended together into one

Deep breaths with puffs of air
A heavy heart sinking towards my spine
Weeds entangled in my fingers
Vines growing through my legs

A blissful state between life and death
A slow return
A unification of the body and the cosmos

Wait for me starshine
I’ll be home soon
Phoenix Nov 2021
My flesh is suffocating
Smothering my soul
I can feel my bones
Hollow and heavy
My arms;

I am trapped
Stuck inside a suit
Designed of organic materials
Meat and flesh
Designed to rot away one day

My flesh moves
As if with a mind of its own
As I sit, trapped behind my ribcage
As if my own personal jail

I see
I hear
I speak
Yet i cannot

I am here
But gone
I long for home
As I lay in my bed

A feeling of emptiness
As if floating in space
Drifting through the world
I cannot understand

My soul
My spirit
Gasping for air
Grasping for a tether
Hoping to the gods above
Please don't let this be my demise

My flesh is suffocating
Smothering my soul
I can feel my bones
Hollow and heavy
Phoenix Dec 2015
Lonely sidewalk
Empty thoughts

The houses
Judging expressions
As if knowing
Who I am

Avoiding puddles
That dance with the wind

The wind plays with my hair
Pushing it into my face
Causing me to have difficulty seeing

Racing clouds
Rushing towards an unreachable destination

They shed their tears
A misty rain
Landing on my face
Like small, gentle kisses

A small sigh
Escapes my lips
As I absorb
My surroundings

The day seems dreary
Shadowed by rain
But it doesn't have to be
So it won't be
Phoenix Aug 2016
The lights seem extra bright
Just like a spot light
As I stand alone
In the room

There are three of me
In one place
Moving in sync

But there is a forth presence
His hands trace up and down my arms
Sending chills down my spine

I turn to face him
But no one is there
Because I'm alone

He plays games in my mind
He's so real
I can feel him
Hear him
Almost see him

I stand alone
Completely exposed after trying a dress
The mirrors reflect me
Show me everything

His hands run over my body
Amplifying every flaw I have
Exposing my weaknesses

He destroys me
Tears me down
And leaves me for dead

I hold my breath
And bite my lip
To stop it from quivering
The tears can't come
Too many questions follow

Quickly I dress
But he still moves around me
In and out of my thoughts

He crushes the pillars of my mind
Inflicting pain everywhere

He moves from me
To my boyfriend
Tearing at me

Telling me he doesn't love me
I'm too ugly
I'm fat
I'm pathetic

I can't block him out
Block out his sound
His voice
His words

They sound so real
So true
Sometimes I can't help but believe them
Phoenix Oct 2015
I hate this house
I hate this town
I hate this school
So many echos
Echos in the halls
In my living room
On the street
I'm plagued by the echos
Of you and me
The touch of your lips
The strongness of your hugs
The echos of your so called love
I hate this house
I hate this town
I hate this school
I hate these echos
Phoenix Jun 2016
Do you remember the jeep
Going for rides
With the top down
And music blarring

I sang at the top of my lungs
My hair blowing everywhere
Dancing in my seat
To Bonjovi
And Guns and Roses

We took the back roads
Absorbing the sunlight
I loved those moments
Bonding over music
That only you and I shared

Forgetting the rest of the world
Just you and me
No girlfriends
Or school
Or drama

Do you remember the White Sox game
My first baseball game
I don't remember who they played
Or who won

It was Rich and Felicia
You and me
I begged you for a hat
To remember the day

I still have it
It's hanging in my closet
By the clasps in back

It's getting old
And *****
I don't let people touch it
Not very often at least

It's an awesome memory
And people don't unserstand
What the hat means to me

Do you remember Six Flags
It was you and I
Rich and Felicia

I remember the long lines
And constant jokes
I remember waiting for superman
Nearly dying of laughter
From your stupid jokes

I was afraid
Afraid of its height
But I got on
With the three of you

It was a lot of fun
Even though I kept my eyes closed
The rush of the wind in my hair
My voice was hoarse
After screaming most of the time

I remember getting squid hats
Making funny faces for the camera
I remember getting to the front of that line

The raging bull
A large roller coaster
That I lost my nerve on
I felt bad because you wouldn't ride without me
But my fear overruled

Do you remember the sushi bar
Where I had sushi for the first time
It was an old place
And an odd experience
But one I don't regret

It felt strange
On my tounge and throat
But I enjoyed it

Learning about a different culture
From you
Something that stays between us
Something no one else can intrude on

So many memories I have
Of you and I
We don't talk much
Since I'm always busy

Sorry I'm not around much
Even though I'd like to be
Sometimes I feel out of place

But you still include me
With the family
In your life
Letting me know
That I'm welcome at any point

I love you dad
Even if I don't say it
You're stuck with me
Forever and eternity
Good memories are always there
With just you and me
Stuff I wont forget
Stuff I'll remember until I die

So here's a few
Of the things
That comes to mind
When I think of you

Happy Father's Day dad
I love you
Phoenix Feb 2017
I like the idea of Slim Shady
Eminem's alter ego
I like the idea because I can relate
I understand

I believe everyone
Has an alter ego
A worse version of themselves
That tears at them from the inside
Even though some people
Don't acknowledge it

I've been listening to Eminem quite a bit
My favorite song
Is My Darling
Because half way through the song
Eminem fights with his demon

Granted, I've never been in most of the situations
That he dealt with
I've never had an abusive mother
I've never had a drug problem
I've never had an alcohol problem

But I have dealt with inner demons
I hear a dark and angry voice in my head

Eminem fascinates me
He tells his story
Through his words
He expresses his pain
His anger
His love
His hate

When you really think about it
How is rap much different than poetry?
I think it's similar
Rap tells a story
Rap expresses emotions
Rap speaks the artist's truth
That they couldn't say any other way
Rap is a form of slam poetry
In my opinion
The difference is
Rap has a beat

Maybe that's why
Eminem inspires me so much
Maybe it's because I understand the pain
Of hearing the inner demon
Always screaming in your ear
Telling you these lies
Trying to force you into things
Trying to trick you into your old ways

I'm probably not the only one
But I don't really care
Because it doesn't really matter

I will continue to be inspired
About how brutally honest his words are
About how he's not afraid
To say what he thinks
How he's not afraid to tell his story
No matter how hard it may be

Slim Shady fascinates me
Eminem inspires me
And Marshall Mathers understands me
Phoenix Sep 2016









What is the point of emotions?
Get attached
Get hurt
Be alone
Get hurt

Emotions are a poison
And a cure
All at the same time

You can't live with them
But you can't survive without them

My jealousy
My anxiety
My depression
My envy
My lust

They destroy me
They widdle away at me
Making me feel like a monster
Making me feel pathetic

My joy
My hope
My faith
My trust

They shine a light
In my darkness
But they only last for a fleeting moment
Before they begin
Their destruction

All of these emotions
Spin in my head
And my heart
And I can't shut them out
I can't shut them up

They are voices in my head
That battle to be in the spotlight

They make me weak
They make me strong
They tear me down
They build me up

What's the point of emotions?
When they seem like bad luck

It feels like a cruel joke
As they spin
And spin
And spin
In my head

The worst of them all though
Isn't one I have said
For the worst of them all

Is *love
Phoenix Nov 2015
Everyone has pain
Troubles they hide
Things they deny

That girl
Who is hardly 16
Has a baby on the way
And hears every hateful thing you say

A boy of 17
Being pushed from his home
For reasons unknown

The girl you call emo
Has a mental disorder
And feels nothing but hate

The skinny girl
With scars on her arms
She feels all alone
In her broken home

So many problems
Everyone has something
They wish would dissapear

One thing that needs to be clear
Is we ALL have problems
We all shed tears
We all laugh
We all scream
We all whisper
We all have something in common

It's called being HUMAN
Something inevitable
So we all have problems
But we've all got loved ones
People who really care
Fellow Poets, don't let others bring you down. Whether its about your poetry, drawings, singing, sports, acting, etc., don't let them take it from you. You do you. These problems will only make you stronger. A small bump in the road of your life. Don't forget that. I promise, from one human to the next, it gets better.
Phoenix Dec 2016
I'm stressed out
I'm tired
And emotionally

My body can't handle
The hell my mind produces
As it is weaker

Have you ever felt
Like you're so tired
That you could sleep for days,
Maybe even weeks,
And still, be exhausted?

My body is that
Of a young adult
But my mental state is that
Of a five-year-old

I can act like an adult
But it makes me
So, so tired

It takes up all of my energy
To act as an adult
For an hour
I don't understand

I feel like
I haven't ever slept
In my entire life
As my eyelids grow heavier and heavier

I could sleep standing
As my energy disappears
In front of my eyes

I need a Monster
Or coffee
Or both
Just to make it through the day
But it's so so bad for you
To run on caffeine

I just want to quit
Because my anxiety
Takes up to much energy
I want to be better
And not get so tired
Every time I try to function
At the age I am

I'm just so...


I don't understand
And I feel like
I'm all...


As I'm pulled under
Into a dream like sleep
Where I close my eyes
And pictures instantly play
Behind my eyelids

I can't control it
I'm trying
But I don't know

I'm just so tired
And emotionally
And I don't know
How to handle it
Phoenix Jul 2021
I am

Inside it echos
Sounds bouncing
Back and forth

I feel nothing
My insides ripped out

Trapped in my body
Unable to escape
Unable to touch it
Not in control

Body is on auto pilot
I just watch from inside
I can't feel my body
I see it move
But its not under my guide

I'm so very tired
I'd like to rest
Sleep does no help
Death might be best

I won't hurt my body
As it has done no wrong
My soul aches inside it
Yearning to be gone

I'll sleep for awhile
And hope the pain goes away
For my eyelids are heavy
And I'd like to stay
Phoenix Sep 2016
I'm happy today
I'm excited
I'm antsy
I'm looking forward to the future

But I'm also afraid

But my fears are hidden
You can't see them
Because I have a front
So indestructible
That sometimes
I even believe it

Today is filled
With false security
Because one word
Could tear me apart

But I feel happy
I feel good

Is it a lie?
Am I really okay today?
Or is it a convincing front
that even I believe?

Is this false security?
I feel pretty today
When every other day I know I'm not
I feel like dancing today
When every other day I can't move
I feel like screaming out of joy
When every other day I can hardly speak

Is this real?
Or false security?
Why am I so afraid....

To be happy?
Phoenix Dec 2016
I'm young

I'm supposed to have fun

I'm supposed to hang out with friends

I'm supposed to be in clubs

There are a lot of things I'm supposed to do
And I wish I could do those things
But I live in fast forward

I'm 17 now
But my brain is planning for 20

I'm in high school
But my brain is planning for after college

I'm in constant fast-forward

I can't focus on today
On right now
No matter how hard I try

My brain tells me
One bad grade today
Will ruin all of my chances tomorrow

One slip up now
Will shatter my future

One panic attack today
Threatens my chances at a normal life

So many things
Threaten my future
As I live in fast-forward

It's always about tomorrow
Never about today

It was bad as a kid
But as I grow closer and closer
To ending my mandatory schooling experience
My brain goes faster and faster
Into the fast-forward

It's so exhausting
It's destroying me
And everyone around me
Sees it

I'm just trapped
In my head

It's like a movie
But the remote is broken
And it's playing so fast
That you don't understand anything
Because the images are just a blur

I'm so overwhelmed
By all the possibilities
That are presented in front of me


That's all my brain screams

Get A's and B's right now
C's are not acceptable

Don't touch alcohol
Don't touch drugs

Colleges won't want you
Without good grades
And a record of drugs and alcohol

Without college
You can't get a good job

Without a good job
You can't support yourself

If you can't support yourself
You'll live with your parents forever

If you live with you parents forever
You can't have your own family

I'm in constant fast-forward
Even though I'm only 17
And the remote for my brain
Is smashed to pieces
So there is no pause button
There is no slow down button
There is nothing to stop it

So I struggle
With the speed of my brain
As it constantly moves in a blur
In fast-forward
Phoenix Nov 2015
How can you tell
When you care so much
It hurts
How can you tell
When you cross the line
Between friendship
And whats on the other side
What do you do
When he is all you can think about
But he isn't within reach
How do you hide
What you feel inside
From your best friend
Why is it so hard
To accept having to share

But most of all
**What do I do with these feelings?
Phoenix Jul 2016

I'm on a thin line
Between it all
Walking on a fishing line
100 miles long

Some days it's easy
And I walk in a straight line
Other days I'm hanging by a finger
My feet and hands hurt
As it continually digs into my skin

I want to let go
I want to forget the pain
And fall into nothingness

But that's suicide

I've got people who love me
Screaming my name
With their arms wide open
On the other side of the line
They feel so close
Yet they are so far

Every time I get close
The line seems to grow
And almost every day
A new knot is in the line

It digs into my bare skin
Forcing me to cry out
But no one hears me
They're screaming too loud

I bleed and cry
But it's all in vain
Because I have to keep walking
On the thin, almost invisible, line

Every day is a battle
Every day I fight a war
Against myself
Against the world
Against the Devil
Against a lot of things

All while I walk on a fishing line
Phoenix Dec 2015
I'm told I need to forgive you
For everything

For all the things done
For all the things said
For all the things you became
For all the things we became

I'm told I need to forgive you
For the monster you were
For the control you forced

I'm told I need to forgive you
Because it's only going to **** me

The anger
The hurt

I get it
I really do
But I don't know
How forgiving you
Will fix that

But then again
I know they are right
I know that
If I forgive you
It will stop killing me

I was told that
Holding this grudge
Is like drinking poison
Hoping it will **** you

And I know
It's true

Killing myself
No matter how slowly
Isn't going to hurt you

It just gives you more control
It just brings me more pain

I was told I need to forgive you
In order to move on

And I know its true
For both me and you

It's hard to forgive you
And it's impossible to undo
What was done by you

But I'm trying
Trying to forgive you
Forgive your monster
And forget your name

Forget your name
That brings back all the pain
That brings the self hate

But that's why I've got to forgive you right?
So maybe
One day
It won't hurt
When I hear your name

I was told I need to forgive you
For the monster you became
For all the pain

I was told I need to forgive you
Before I can forgive *me
Phoenix Sep 2016
Don't mourn for me
My body may be empty
But my soul is free

Free from pain
And struggle

Free from rejection
And abandonment

Free from the weight of the world
And high expectations

I'm soaring with the eagles
And swimming with the whales

I'm finally happy
And at peace

Something I've longed for my entier life
But never found

I wasn't as strong
As you say I was
Because there I lay
Cold and lifeless

Do you believe me now?
I was on a fishing line
Hanging on by a thread
On the edge

I told you
So many times
And I know you heard me
But there was nothing to do
But sit and wait

Well, I was sick of waiting
And playing games
Sick of medications
That gave me false hope

I couldn't do it
My emotional state
Died a long time ago
And my physical state
Was that of a machine
Going through the motions

I couldn't love
Or help
Or forgive

I couldn't feel

So please don't mourn for me
My body may be empty
But my soul is free
I'm so close to being done.... I'm numb. My heart hurts. My body is weak. I'm fighting for my family and friends tho. Not for me. I've lost hope in myself.
Phoenix Jul 2021
An empty shell
Everything carved out
Carved away

Trapped inside
As if inside a hollow tree
Don't touch the sides

Wanting escape
Wanting freedom
Tear away skin
Tear away flesh and bone

Rip out my throat
Rip out my heart

Cycle repeated

Nonstop aching

Being here
Belonging nowhere
Yearning for home
And not being alone

Trapped in this body
Of flesh and bone
Of sin and agony

Free me
Let me go
Let me out
Phoenix Dec 2015
Smiles all around
But something seems different
Something seems wrong

But we ignore it
Ignore all the problems
Ignore all the hate
And hurt

We smile
We laugh
We hug
We dance

We forget tomorrow
Like it was yesterday

So the smiles keep on coming
Numbing the inevitable pain

One day
The numb will melt away
With the love of loved one
Like ice
In your warm hand

We are together
Once friends
Now family

All with our own problems
But with our lives intertwined
We smile

Is yesterday
When we loose our smiles

And tomorrow
Is when
We work together

Close friends
Practically family
With smiles
And laughs

Because tomorrow
We have problems
And today we share smiles
Phoenix Nov 2015
Small councilor
Purring with care
Tear soaked fur
And my small sniffles
In your ear
You're my small pillow
But you don't mind
Gental forehead kisses
Until my pain is at bay
You're my little councilor
My furry best friend
I don't know what I'd do without you
You're with me till the end
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