Wasted
thoughts
But im perfectly coherent
Perfectly sober
Which makes this all the more difficult.
It's reality hitting me across the face
No mercy. Just pain.
Tears fall and my vision's blurred
Food, food,   numbers
Cut, cut   red
I can't hear my screams they're
Drowned out by the poison mix
I'm alone on the floor
God how I wish I couldn't feel anymore

Now
it's day
The day's ahead
The day's yelling at me to wake up
Social pressures tell me I'm fine
And I relay it back to the people that tell
me they care
They don't give a ****
They all hate you
Look at them laughing
They're laughing at you
Why can't you be normal
Just tell them you're ******* fine
Push them all the **** away
It wont mattet they'll hate you all the
same
You're a failure
Stop being stupid
God look how fat you are
You're a failure
Stop being stupid
God I can't believe you're so fat
Worthless, worthless, worthless
Day's over
Time to drop and break down
Day's over but nights just begun
No sleep, just war
No mercy Just pain
Day after day
Cycles of wasted thoughts in a sober
mind
Why can't I just stay sane

These calories have made their way into my dreams
A place where I used to feel comfortable
Like anything could happen and I was, for the most part, optimistic
They've infected my subconscious and now
I'm not allowed to have that imaginary meal for fear
It may put on some imaginary weight.

I used to say you were the only thing that consumed my sleep
But I'd be lying if I say that this isn't an increasing occurrence, these numbers
These numbers, always in the forefront of my mind
Never leaving me alone for a moment to think
With infected sleep, there's no safe place for me
No place to run from these numbers, these *calories

I'll give myself away
Throw away everything I've known
I'll change myself if youll stay
I dont want me if you go

Take my soul
Take my life
They're nothing without you
Take my goals
Take our nights
I have nothing left to do

I'll sit here rotting away
Like I did
Before you brought me
Back to life
I'll just sit here
Waiting
With no day and no knight

To be perfectly honest,
You went from my whole world to not even a part of it
I'd never admit I miss you
Put on a brave face around you
Make you think everythings okay
But my insides are crumbling with the need to see you again
To touch your skin
To be in your current interest

To be perfectly honest,
I feel as though a certain ***** has been ripped out of me
Somewhere near where my heart used to be
There is a gaping hole growing bigger every minute I don't see you.
I know where it is
It's in the palm of your hand
And the further apart we are
The less it starts to beat
I haven't seen you in so long
I'm really missing your embrace
I told myself I was strong
That it was just a crush
That I didn't need you
But if that was true, then why am I hurting so much?
I refuse to allow myself to cry
I must stay strong
but "staying strong"are just words
Words you say when you don't want to get involved
They're intangible
And often unintelligible
They hold no meaning nor volume
Just two-dimensional scapegoats and
To be perfectly honest, I'm just really ******* missing you

I said I'm ******* fine
But you never asked in the first place
I'm not ******* fine
But you believed me, now how does this tatse?
This blood on your hands
Spilled from veins
Washed away with bleach
Let's cover it up
Cause nothing's ever as it seems
Paint a smile
On a canvas of pain
They hate you now, but now it's "what a shame"
Where were the compliments
When I was around to hear them
Your words could've lifted me up
But not up from the grave
I'm so sorry
So sorry I couldn't make the grade

And then the memories came flooding back
A tidal wave just relentlessly knocking me off my feet
A constant reminder of being alone
When these songs were my only friend
The only thing keeping me here
staying with me while I heave torrential sobs in the dead of night
Calming my nerves when everything became too much
Helping me get through good and bad days alike
Screaming what I could never say
Holding me together when all I could do was fall apart
It was and forever will be the glue keeping me intact

I envy those who can eat without conscience
I long for the infamous day when "things will get better"
I strive for an impossibility that I can feel within my reach
I expend the necessary energy to achieve a negative net
My mind rattles with number and limits
Counting the minutes 'til my next meal
Portion control and restrictions
Fighting the urges of binges
They say I'm just skin and bones
But what I see is all I'll know