I think and I thought
I weep in my dear thoughts
What have I done
What could have been
I lay in regrets on a single mistake

It was a day like any other
Coffee in the morning
Feeling the warmth of the sun, in my face

I was in battle for days
A battle of currencies
A battle of endurance
A battle in which, I am getting drained
My mind is tired
My body is weaken
My thoughts are in disarray

With a click of a mouse
I have lost it all
With that click of a mouse
I have fallen down
With that click of a mouse
I felt a slash in my heart
That hurts like nothing I ever knew
With that click of a mouse...
I have became nothing but a rotting log

As they say,
When it rain, it pours
Today, hard as I tried to stand again
I never could
The clouds thunder
The lighting strikes
I have became nothing but a rotting log, soaked in mud

The skies are grey
The end is not in sight
The pain is beyond my threshold
The pain is killing me slowly
I feel suffocated
Suffocated with failures
Months of success, undone by a single click

I can only hope, I can get up again
I can only hope, the sun rises
I can only hope, I can only hope

For one of the rare moments in my life
I was genuinely
happy

I had been myself
and I was strong
I felt secure
and I felt loved

Everything was right
the clouds
the weather

I was
on top
of the
world

And then like
a tidal wave
it was over

The monsters of the sea
wrapped their dangerous
tentacles around my legs
and pulled me back into the dark depths

I was overwhelmed
and saddened
too tired to lift up my head

it was the same story
the same voices repeating over and over again
reprimanding
scolding

I guess I'll just keep going
looking forward to the next time
I'll be happy

Lost battle of a wounded soldier
Have I lost or given it all up?
But for now
The Autumn is on me
It all has ended
But I don't give up
I keep walking
Walking wounded
Dragging my tattered body
Along a Withered soul
At crossroads of Autmn
Where is the spring?
No flowers will bloom
I am not dispirited but for a moment
I deter
I fear
For this paused moment
I realise
I have lost the battle
Standing outside my house thinking
Do I have a right on this gate
I am a soldier defeated by life
Churning out bitter juices of negativity
I feel like a stranger in my own house
I disown my things
I laugh and and enter the house again
I have my flute, my water colours,aisle, brushes and other drawing tools inside

I think I'll fall asleep in an hour
I think I'll be dead in a week
I'm sick of bitter arrogance-
it isn't something unique.
In fact it's kind of grotesque
the way I choose to progress
it's like i'm slowly
cutting from my
feet
and stopping
at my chest.
Do you get it yet?
Do you find it hard to understand?
Am I not what you were looking for
or do I need to be better than I am?
I'm only asking.
I think that's fair.
But then again I'm getting acquainted with
despair.
I tell myself it isn't real.
I try to believe that you care.
But all that goes out the window when
I see you are not there.
It's unusual;
the way I trip
over myself.
Therapists and teachers
always said I needed help.
But I didn't believe them.
Ignorant was how I felt.
Trapped, corner,
isolated-
I was ****** with what was dealt.
Just know that I didn't keep it.
I just walked right on out.
And for every moment
I've been defeated-
at least I wasn't

someone else.

keep scrolling through iTunes,
can’t seem to find anything to download,
even though I can download,
any song that I want to,

keep scrolling through my timeline,
Facebook lines & Instagram posts,
but can’t seem to find anything of interest,
which doesn’t make sense since I love everyone,

got everything we want,
but nothing that we need,
traded in our dreams,
for some fantasies on a screen,
here forget you used to be free,
have a seat & take this TV,
it’s amazing how we make miracles,
seem so easy,

it’s like,
these machines gave us everything we ever wanted,
without,
giving us anything that we ever needed,

& it’s strange because I’ve won every battle,
but still I feel defeated,
it’s like I’m sitting around,
alone with all these toys around me,

feeling like a Prince without a Kingdom,
or a King without a throne,
or a Princess without a wishlist in her Queendom,
with a magnificent house that’s missing a home,

are you missing your home,
that home you never had,
are you missing that feeling,
that feeling that you can’t quite grab,

and that’s,

exactly why you keep scrolling through iTunes,
& that’s exactly why I keep scrolling thought iTunes,
we’re both missing the same thing & searching in vain,
it’s eerily ironic how we can feel so alone in the same room,

& I feel your pain because I feel my pain two,

pardon me,
maybe I’m confused,
maybe we,
wanted to get attention instead of getting used,

& there’s so much more I want to mention,
but then again I guess what’s the use,
why start something that’s only definite is an ending,
but I’m your friend so if you want to begin it’s up to you,

I’m willing to relax,
I’ll answer all your questions,
let’s trade facts,
truth or dare until we express all our intentions,

in the pursuit of passions,
listening to intuitions,
remembering what it was to be human,
before we gave in & gave them our emotions,

I swear something doesn’t feel right,
like most of these humans are just Programs,
who look like they are moving with intention,
but are really just going through the motions,

keep scrolling through iTunes,
can’t seem to find anything to download,
even though I can download,
any song that I want to…

∆ LaLux ∆

Los Angeles, CA.
October 8th, 2018

My sympathy depleted
My friendships deleted
I have been defeated
By truths that hit so hard
I was decleated
By intense hatred deep-seeded
My history was repeated

I guess a three-armed mutant
Has no need for a right hand man
Until his leprosy riddled hands rot off
When he needs them the most
But his ***** limbs had been pretty useless for a while
Since he had lost feeling in them
He had to do a biopsy on his life
After the inaccurate results of the smear test
He took antibiotics to rid himself of the bacteria
But that didn't heal the nerve damage
He yearned for the rhetoric to be less inflammatory
So he took steroids
Transforming the ***** into an ogre
With no semblance of humanity
...Except for the people he devours
Their patience is delicious
He eats that first
Their pity is a delicacy
A rare treat
Their disgust tastes sour
But it's a feast
His cannibalism may seem callous
But the non-mutant lepers take Thalidomide
And get pregnant
Their kids come out defected
With an intense, deep-seeded hatred for three-armed mutants
And lepers and ogres look exactly the same
To those of another species