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  Oct 2022 Melanie
I will not stand by while abuse happens
six months of cyclical hell
the push and pull of your desire

this issue has never been singular
confined to some imaginary private space
in the public view of us all
using your circumstances to justify
the victimisation of another
to the point of collapse

the coloniser builds a fort
because they're afraid
of their own violent mirror-image
projected into the landscape

do you recognise
i'd always thought playing the victim was a term the right used to discredit survivors of ****, but it actually arose out of victim narratives of abusive relationships, where the abuser would posit themselves as the real victim, even as they persecuted the other with emotional blackmail, gaslighting and violence.

this all makes me ******* sick.
Melanie Jun 2022
Don’t assume ANYTHING about me based on ANYTHING
You don’t know what IM THINKING just by seeing if my face is ******* up or if I look happy.

Don’t assume you know me and don’t tell me

what I think
How I feel
What my motivation or intent is
What I can do
What I cannot do
Who I am
What I am..

You’ll always be wrong.
It will always be abuse.
Because only I can decide or define those things about me to you.
And they can change every second and I am the only person on the planet whose responsibility it is to define them
to decide them, to label them.

You don’t decide
You don’t define
You don’t redefine
You don’t label me
You don’t paste who I am to you
onto my face and then criticize it.

Don’t pin your idea of me on your mind’s wall to throw darts at to evaluate, to devalue, to label as something only you want me to be.

Or as something only you don’t want me to be.

What’s written on your mind’s wall about me isn’t reality.
What I want you to know, I WILL TELL YOU

Your job is to listen
Your job is to understand
Your job is compassion
Your job is not to decide, define, redefine, label, criticize some image of me that only lives in your mind.

Because doing that is a form of emotional abuse, & I won’t tolerate it.
Melanie May 2022

You're a heated moment
You come on strong,
Go the same away

You're sprung;
Like midday in May
June, August you're so far gone,
Before long
You're forgotten past the leaves of November,
On to December

You love not kind

You love not tender

You love not true

You love not do

When where was I
But in a heated moment,
Ceded a goodbye
  Mar 2022 Melanie
Jesse Alexander
I was taught in science that matter and energy cannot be created or destroyed, and is simply manipulated into different forms and transferred to other objets.
In Psychology I was taught about the pre-frontal cortex, and how it houses the emotions of the human soul, and about the hippocampus which carefully extracting these emotions into long term memory so they can live forever. I wasn’t taught how these emotions were conserved.

I started wondering to myself, where the **** do the emotions one puts into another go?  
Can emotions be created or destroyed inside the pre-frontal cortex?
Or are they simply transferred from mine to yours, which allows you to put effort into someone else, leaving my emotional remnants to manipulate themselves into pain?

Am I able to transfer my feelings into your PFC so they can spark a reaction with whats inside and manipulate them into something different?
Maybe thats how mutual feelings come about.
But would it not work if your necessary reactants have already been transferred elsewhere? I assume my emotions would react with your painful remnants to leave you neutral again, giving you the choice to forget him or feed him a bit more.

Then how the **** do the feelings of one change as time goes on?
I assume that infatuation never completes its journey to the hippocampus and simply passes through the PFC.
But how do emotions get manipulated into something negative after the rare chance that they complete the savage journey to the long term chamber?
The intermolecular forces of the bond created between us possibly gets overcome by something more powerful.
Something that has been freshly transferred into the PFC of one of the emotional bond carriers; like fear, or the emotional energy of someone new, and she’ll tell him “it wasn’t meant to be”
Which explains how you can move on whilst I can’t as my bond is also broken, but without consent, my their emotions to go haywire and destroy my psyche as they’re not bonded to anything.
I’m “broken”.

Although the intermolecular forces of the emotions inside your PFC have been overcome and manipulated into something new, the old emotional bonds still exist in her hippocampus, as well as his.
Emotions will constantly haunt me from there, creating constant relapse as the painful memories are resurrected and transferred back into his PFC.
They’ll haunt you too, possibly reacting with your current state to create regret.
Either regret of breaking the bonds or forming them in the first place.
I’ll reach a neutral state again, and you will have your turn to be broken when emotions from someone else are transferred respectively.
But we’ll never forget each other.

So i guess love never dies. Only active love. As the emotions in the hippocampus are set in stone whilst that in the PFC are transferred and manipulated, just like matter, and energy.

After all, we are just matter, with energy.
I'm such a ******* nerd.
Melanie Aug 2021
You find it as though you never left it
Left off, the truth you find
Left over
The lies you leave behind

I'll never be too old for dumb
For reasons of being too young
I anticipate to fall fate at a time too late
To experience sober

Come over, come over
My reluctance is high sprung
I tell you of trying times
For reasons of those which even I know not of why;
Left to chance, wasn't an option

Many times have I found try
Even if not among the rest, to be best
Tried & true, I still carry inside my chest
Lessons learned somehow still at rest
Little do I know
But experience, nonetheless

Cold shoulder to cold shoulder
How I cry, no matter the why

Exhibiting symptoms
Of past resentment

I bear down apprehension 
Though, not failing to mention
I put my pride up for trade
To bid wade, to draw attention
In place
In its place

All that I have lost; Redemption

                      Sick as sorrow
The needles vein I will borrow
Will beg & become of tomorrow;
But for today a heated drum
Banging words that go ***
Bitter shame 
Brighter shun

Perhaps I have come too far undone
I'm spun

The sun above
My feelings below
I think too much
I think
I think about my head hitting a pillow
Muffling the sounds my heart yearns to wallow
When ever I think of all I've done & said,
Of all I'm ashamed of
My hands are always holding my head

I reach for a release
A quick yet satisfying cease
Before long 
Sense begins to

I'm rich & famous
Were all lies, the blame is
Inside of me; the name is

All the times I've been awake to witness a new sunrise

I left the lies
I held hope up
But the feelings that surmise
Couldnt keep my head up
It just illuminized 
More revealutions, I came up
Brightened my eyes
I saught to see it all add up

That is the truth, I see

I say this as I see it
All lies left behind
One with, I've gone & done it
The truth, I've come to find  
Brings much ease of mind
I've become it
The truth was up to find
It knows not of bounds
Truth is where the heart lies

Founded truth, is homeward bound;
Lies I left behind, for truth to found

Left behind all the wonder
Lies awake
Shake, shiver, & without cover
Would be a mistake
Anything other
You're sure to discover
Lying awake;
Open enough to recover

tremble, you soon recover

Needs revised
Some gibberish I wrote a long time ago
Melanie May 2021

Hope right here
revere  .
on my chest
hard x
premium tv
I hang on
hope needs me

Melanie Sep 2020
Provided I refill my insecurity
For every moment it assure's me
The definition to define
Is inherently mind

I need stability
this **** is killing me

Wasted yesterday on anticipation
gave my living room exhibition inflation
By tonight I'll be coming undone
you're not here and already
I am impatient..
And uranus
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