There is never a day
I won’t memorize what to say
a thousand times in my head.

I will pray and pray
that I can just lay
alone in the comfort of my bed.

Because when I get out
that’s the part that’s scary.

Every time I walk past a mirror,
every time I will look.
Not because I’m conceited
but because if I stand out,
then I’m not fitting in.

Every time I walk in a room,
I will always have my head down
in case someone who knows me is there
or someone who doesn’t notices me.

There will never be a day
that my hands aren’t shaky,
that my heart is not racing,
that I will go somewhere and not be afraid.

My brain is a nervous wreck
of strings
connected by golden rings
of lies and deceit.
But mostly things
that were said about me
because they never leave.
They interweave.
They want to be
here in my brain
haunting me.

And no one could ever love me
because I’m unlovable,
untouchable,
underneath,
everyone else.

And one plus one does not equal two
and “I love you” is never true
because I’m tearing myself apart.

And it will always be true
that I’m afraid of you,
and I will always guard my heart.

No.1 I have a fear of heights and I'm okay with that because I fall for you every day which keeps me close enough to the ground that I feel safe.

No.2 The dark. I do not like the inability to see, imagine being trapped in a space with no light, nothing to reach for but just a void of emptiness. You cannot find a place much darker than a blackened, hallowed heart. There are no signs of life, with no trace of light. Yet you still managed to find your way around it, walking aimlessly as if you knew where to go. I was afraid of the darkness within, until you lit a flame inside Of me, trying to send a signal fire to my sanity.

No.3 spiders, nothing poetic I just think they are creepy. Eight legs of hell and they have no need on my life!

No.4 I imagine being on an island stranded alone knowing no-one could find me, while I sit there huddle next to a tree with no reason to move forward. I feel a warm touch press on my shoulder. I open my eyes, everything seems different the white scattered sand is now my bed. waves which held me back from moving forward, now my blanket which seems to feel heavier than a tsunami of depression and deep thoughts. I lay there stuck being buried by the sand and drown by waves. Being held down by my past and worries of my future. two hands lifted all the weight off me, I looked up and there she was, she grabbed me by the...

No.5 my heart is beating faster and faster as I run an endless marathon. My palms get sweaty, it gets harder to breathe as if I was trapped in space with no air tank. I try to push through I will not let myself drop out of this one so early. I have a fear to love, not of love but to love. I want to find it but I'm too afraid of letting myself become vulnerable as if I'm joining a war with no gun just my heart hoping not to get shot down but be accepted with open arms. I have scars and battle wounds from past wars. But for no reason, you lent a hand to patch me up. You showed me not all wars are worth fighting Alone, so we joined hands and walked strong. I am afraid to love, I am not afraid to say I love. I am afraid to say I love anyone who isn't you.

does it happen in silence, with no one noticing until the time is up, or does it happen so loudly all other worldly sounds drown out?

does it go quickly? or slow enough to hurt for years?

does it leave behind hints of its sweetness, between the pages of books, woven in with the sheets, slipping through the saddest of dreams?

when love leaves, who does it leave behind?

I cannot tell anymore
If the silence he resonates
Is the defense he fronts
To keep the closing cage of commitment at bay
A gentle reprieve from the fears divebombing like magpies
Or if this new wave is the end.
If this darkness and muffled cries  
Are a direct correlation to my bad days
Overwhelming him
Forcing him in that car
Taking him hundreds of miles away
And telling me "I can't help you."

But he can't see
I never wanted him to ride in like a savior
I don't need to be rescued.
I just wanted to show him my soul
And for him to look, really look,

And tell me he loved me.

In this world full of chaos
I try to find solace
I try to find peace

In a place
Where there are foxes everywhere but no sheeps
I try to find a soul who is same as me

In this world of  fake smiles and cunning minds
I try to find someone divine
Someone with a sacred soul and a beautiful mind