There is never a day
I won’t memorize what to say
a thousand times in my head.

I will pray and pray
that I can just lay
alone in the comfort of my bed.

Because when I get out
that’s the part that’s scary.

Every time I walk past a mirror,
every time I will look.
Not because I’m conceited
but because if I stand out,
then I’m not fitting in.

Every time I walk in a room,
I will always have my head down
in case someone who knows me is there
or someone who doesn’t notices me.

There will never be a day
that my hands aren’t shaky,
that my heart is not racing,
that I will go somewhere and not be afraid.

My brain is a nervous wreck
of strings
connected by golden rings
of lies and deceit.
But mostly things
that were said about me
because they never leave.
They interweave.
They want to be
here in my brain
haunting me.

And no one could ever love me
because I’m unlovable,
untouchable,
underneath,
everyone else.

And one plus one does not equal two
and “I love you” is never true
because I’m tearing myself apart.

And it will always be true
that I’m afraid of you,
and I will always guard my heart.