I write to say what I wish I could say without actually saying it
I write because my day was horrible and this helps me feel better
I write because I need to express my feelings in other ways
I write because I'm excited about an event coming up in my life
I write because I'm madly in love and I don't know what to do
I write because I don't know what I'll do without my sanity.
Other girls are not my competition
I stand with them
Not against them.
Thanks bff for reminding me of this today.
you still exist
in the crinkled pages of my notebook.
last autumn i dog-eared the top corners so i would find my way back.
your veins dance with the curves and loops of my
the contours of your dreams lay in the indents of my ballpoint pens.
your fears bleed black and blue.
your voice--the raspy scratching of graphite before bed.
my sentences often sit incomplete because that's how you left--
in the middle
because you lacked a single transition.
your breath echos at the turn of every page
(i can almost feel your lungs working alongside my own).
your blood runs red as i scribble across the pages--
at times i am in a frenzy, lacking control as my hands skirt along the paper.
other days, i am silent, waiting for my hand to pick up the pen
and bring you to life.
i keep telling myself that
you still exist
in the crinkled pages of my notebook
every time i close its covers shut,
i can't seem to find you.
june 11, 2015
What I am about to say
Will save you
From a great sadness
1. Don't ever caress your broken heart in your hands
The blood will stain your finger tips scarlet
And be imprinted on the next person you hold.
2. Don't succumb
To the comforting grey side
I know its warm. I know its safe.
But its only all those things
It will never leave.
3. Don't keep things hidden.
Who are you?
How can you even think of not being the main character of your story?
4. Don't read books about girls being left behind, and about boys dying
Or about people who are too afraid
Or too courageous
Or whose main characters are liars
Who come alive when you look into
5. Don't let your heart pull away from him
Because you feel like
"You love him too much"
He won't understand why
You are holding his heart
And your own.
6. Don't start writing when you are sad.
The ink won't be able to run from your fingers when you are happy
And you will be left without the words you have
Become addicted to-
You will hold your heart in your hands
And you will pick at its stitches to feel
And your heart will bleed
And it will stain your fingertips red.
You will reach out to him,
And your will leave scarlet smears across his cheek
And his chest
And his wrist
And no matter how many times
The stain will stay
And you will
Wrap yourself in the soft grey
And the Sadness will swear
To always stay
And you will feel loved
Because it will never leave.
And you will start to hide it-
The warm grey
The phone call
The fight you had
The tears and words
That want to come out
And you will turn to books
Not to escape
But to learn
I's and hers and hims
And their words will come out
Black and white
The next time
'I love you' in your ear.
And then you will start to pull away
You love him too much
And that means he is going to leave
And he will look at you and see
That you have his heart
And your heart
But it will be too late for him to
Have kept yours
And it will be too late for you to keep his.
It will be Saturday night
And he will still be yours
But it will feel like he's
And you will pull the thread
Of soft grey.
get out of my head.
it's so painful to have you here
yet i'm always fighting for you to stay
so do me a favor
just get out
i know you don't care
you don't act like it
you ignore me
you neglect me
you reject me
and yet you said you loved me?
how could you?
to be honest..
how could i?
to fall for your lies...
i'm such a **** fool
why do i love you? it makes no sense
i have to block you for some peace, until i come crawling back in hopes of gaining your attention
it hurts so much
all of this,
caring about you.
i'm crying so much
i took my glasses off
i can barely see the screen on which i'm typing
almost like i can barely see my feelings as something important to you
i have so much to do
i even have a potential relationship
and yet i can't do any of it
none of it keeps my focus
because of you!
why can't you listen to my plead?
i don't know
before i blow you out with a bullet.
i needed to vent badly
The day you told me to leave
Was the day you ended up staying
My normal escape from all my pain
Was now seized by your image
I could close my eyes at any moment
And see yours staring right back at me
Your deep brown eyes still fill me with wonder
And even in my mind you still melt my heart
I am tortured by this illusion
You never left my thoughts
You festered in my mind
Unlike my unfortunate reality
You stuck around, still visiting my dreams
I am torn to call them nightmares or horrors
Because beauty like this doesn’t exist in those
But dreams don’t bring pain like this either
And not having you there is a horror all it’s own
When I wake up alone in my bed
I turn to my side and discover a void
An empty space where you still belong
Only in my dreams do I still feel you there
Only in my dreams can I see you’re still there