Years go by
And I stay put
I don’t move
From those memories
We shared
All those things
I don’t want to forget
I just want to stay
With those love letters
I kept in my backpack
Time is whirring by
Whistling because
It is moving so fast
The world spinning
Like a lightning fast
Merry-go-round
Where I am
The only one
Who sees the real thing
I loved you
But you never loved me
I guess that’s hard to accept

I'm back
But I was never gone
I tried to disappear
But I was found
All I want
Is to have
No middle ground
I either want to be
No one
Or everything
Sometimes
I wish
I could
Just go
But I'd always be back

I’ve said it before
I’ll say it here again
I wear a bug spray
That only works
On butterflies
I want to be a flower
But all I get is bees
I get stung
And I back away
I am approached
By cockroaches
Everyday
Every Year
Trying to gain from me
I attract mosquitos
Bloodsucking parasites
I have these people
Who want me
To do what they want
Then they leave
My lifeblood
My friendship
Gone forever
With my time
I want to swat
Those mosquitos
And crush them
Before they can leave
Someday I will
Get rid of this spray
At least that’s
What all my friends say
But I don’t know
The spray is permanent
Maybe I’m cursed
Or maybe I just need
A bath
In the water of friendship
And to fly with
My dragonfly
My wingman
And maybe
My friend

I want to be a CAPITAL LETTER
I want to be SCREAMED at the world
I want to be SEEN from space
I want to ALWAYS BE FIRST
I want to ALWAYS BE HEARD
I want to ALWAYS BE A LOUD VOICE
I want to be NOTICED
I want to be the START OF SOMETHING
I want to GRAB YOUR ATTENTION
I want to be the HEADLINE
I want to be the ANNOUNCEMENT
I want to STAND OUT
But I just want to be yours

I don’t think I want to go to class today
But around you I don’t know what I think
I think I thought that you think I think
But I thought you thought that you loved me
My senses are nonsensical
My thoughts are a jumble
Of words and phrases
So maybe I should go to class
Just this one time
Because then I put these thoughts on paper
But I still can’t say them to your face
Because then they come out like
Class I maybe have shouldn’t gone thought to

It’s a cold wind
Blowing through my sweater
Through my t-shirt
Through my skin
To the bone

It’s a wet cold
The kind you can’t shake off
The kind you think
Will never go away
My teeth would chatter
If it was a real cold
But it’s mental

It’s a pulsing pain
Like a bad bruise
Like a torn muscle
Like how your legs feel
After leg day
At the gym

It’s a burn
Like touching a hot stove
Like running through flames
To save someone
Who was never there
So now you’re on fire
For no reason

It’s a heart attack
But slow
A violent attack
On everything in your heart
On who you love
On what you believe
And you want to die
To stop it

It’s a punch to the face
Breaking teeth
And busting your lip
Now you’re gushing blood
You want to swing back
But you’re the only one there
You fight back the tears
So you won’t look weak
But you’re the only one there

It’s ******
Because you can’t get enough
You know it’s bad
You know it hurts
You know it changes you
And people see it
And it scares them away
But you keep going back

Because you’re addicted.

What?
Wait, no
Really?
Could it be?
Is it finally happening?
I think it might be
Stay calm
I tell myself
Don’t blow it
You’ll blow it
No I won’t
She’s funny
She’s sweet
She likes what I like
Maybe this
Maybe this is it
I don’t know
I haven’t used the L-word
Not yet
But I feel it
On the tip of my tongue
I want to scream it
I want to say
I love you
But I haven’t
Not yet
I don’t want
To make it weird
So I say the other
Thoughts in my head
I like you
You’re cute
You’re sweet
You’re amazing
But all I want to say is
I
Love
You

This shouldn't be a goodbye
But more a farewell
But not a farewell
Maybe a see you later
You saved me from myself
And taught me how to thrive
Without you I don't know
Where I'd be
With your help
I'm free and loved
I will never forget
Our times bumping music
Rap
To EDM
To alt rock
To even my favorite songs
That one time
Outside our dorm
There were the parties
There were the failures
And the successes
The losses
And the wins
You shielded me from evil
Without covering my eyes to it
I can't explain how
You changed my life
You made me see
I am not the devil
I am no demon
I deserve to live
To be loved
There was that night
Do you remember that night
I laugh and I laugh
At how I fell
Into the bushes
And I knew you would pull me up
Like you do every time I fall
I can't be mad at you
I can't because I know
That you've done more for me
Than I can repay
Crushing drinks
Eating pizza
Lighting my room
With strips of color
I can't list off
How you helped me
Feel normal
I'm not made fun of
Because I'm not the outcast
Instead I'm that guy
With a few savage comments
And a quirky sense of humor
Instead of a bad sense
From my darkest hour
You reached into the dark
And pulled me free
Inch by inch
Day by day
Success by success
Win by win
One by one
When you told me
Not to look back
One year
Or two
Or five
Not to see the evil
Of my past
But instead to see
The beauty of my future
And as you go off
To real life
You need to know
What I have to say
Before you go to war
You need to hear
These words
You are my brother
You are my friend
You are my hero
You are my green light
You are my starting line
You are my finish line
My goal
I want you to know
That the world
Will change
As will we
But I will never forget
What you've done for me
And although you're not a fan of him
I have to quote Jon Bon Jovi
He says:
"This isn't how the story ends
My friends it's just a fork along the road
Don't say your prayers
Say your amens
You've come this far
But you're still far from home
Don't say goodbye
Just say farewell
Write every line
You'll live to tell
Hold your head high
Like Harry
Give 'em hell"
He knows
What I want to tell you
Because I can't be you
For you
But I can try
To guide you
To stay you
To stay true
To the values
You put in me
For one day
I will see the karma
As you become a millionaire
And find love
And you'll look back
And know that I've been wishing
For this upon you
Because of all you did
For me
Thank you

Sometimes I feel like I’m on drugs
But these drugs are better than any
I hallucinate a life with you
I walk down the stairs past you but
Instead of an awkward smile
You pull me aside and kiss me
Gently but with true passion
You kiss me knowing
I would die for you
But our love would never die
These hallucinations are so perfect
Like one white cloud in the blue sky
I know they aren’t real
Life for me is nothing but storm clouds
Raining on every parade before it starts
Like an addict I need more
More and more and more
Of this perfect hallucination
Where I float across the ground
To you and you are there to greet me
You laugh because I am laughing
I am laughing because you make me happy
You make me happy because
Your existence is the drug

It's been too long
Since I saw your face
It's been too long
Since I told you
I love you
But would you hear me
If I said it again?
It's been too long
Since I sang to you
I hugged you
I kissed you
I loved you
It's been too long
Since I said
I need you
It's been too long
Since I let you know
I see you
And I fall in love
It's been too long
Since I wrote that song
Outside the school
About rain
But in the sun
It's been too long
Since love could see
All you mean
It's been too long
Since I lay my head
On your shoulder
And imagined
Wedding bells
Singing our love
As I kiss you
And promise
I am yours
Forever
It's been too long
Since I could slip
A love letter
Into your backpack
One that says
What Jon Bon Jovi
Says about love
"Love isn't a merry-go-round
It's a roller coaster"
It's been too long
Since I rode
That roller coaster
The ups are
Worth the downs
It's been too long
Since we were us
Like the new single
From Bon Jovi
Three days
After your birthday
you are just barely
Twenty-one
It's been too long
Since we were us
It's been too long
Since I had love
It's been too long
Since life was good
It's been too long
Since I had the love
Of the perfect person
Like a click
Of a puzzle
As you complete
Me

The moment was brief
I don't even know
If it registered
In your mind
But I fell for you
And I'll never get up
Because I don't want to
I want to stay here
Face to the ground
Hearing the heartbeat
Of the Earth
As you breathe
Deeply, slowly
I want to sense you
Above me
As you always have been
I want the colors
Of the sky at sunset
To paint a portrait
Of you
But the portrait
Would be an insult
To who you really are
A shallow rendition
Of how you really feel
And all you can do
I want to shower you
With diamonds and pearls
Chocolates and kisses
But I’m not the one for you
You’ll end up with
The quarterback
And I’ll end up with
Myself
Once again

I wrote a poem
For you
I tried to change
For you
But I am
Light years away
Too far for you
To even realize
This is about you
I want to explain
My love
For your every aspect
When I see you
I see
An angel
Floating through the mist
A silhouette
In the moonlight
The only shine
Is the sparkle in your eyes
The mist clears away
From the light of your love
I see long brown hair
And eyes
That cry
Laugh
Sing
Sing the songs of love
The songs of loss
The songs of the millions
That feel this way
The first time they see you
Your voice is
A fragile
Priceless
Beautiful
Stained glass window
In a church
A window
Through which
I see my faith
My love
Your voice
Is a beautiful bird
Soaring quietly
Majestic
Royal
Up in the heavens
A blind man
Could see
How much you care
About the unfortunate
A deaf man
Could hear
How much emotion
You put in to everything
Pouring out your heart
Sometimes
I try to talk to you
And you actually listen
But I wish you could
Read my mind
Itself
Because
My tongue
Jumps out of my mouth
And I stutter
And sound
Like an idiot
When I try
To talk to you
I would quote poets
And artists
And musicians
From years ago
But you blow them away
I wish my words
Could explain
How I feel
And how I fell

And this is where
This poem gets dark
Sad for me
But good for you
I know I’m not
The only one
Out there for you
The only one
Who would light candles
And bring you roses
Dozen by dozen
With your breakfast in bed
It’s not about ***
No
It’s about
Love
Belonging
Faith
Maybe he is like this
Like me but
Better looking
Better sounding
I have no way
To take his place
So I might as well
Let go
Let go of the fantasy
Of stealing a kiss
On the beach
Under the fireworks
Let go of the belief
That only you
Can free me
I guess
I should just
Let go

I lost a chance I never had
A wild imagination
Running free in a field of over-confidence
Jumping the streams of unconscious denial
Climbing the mountain of my insecurities
A mirage of hope is a desert
I stop to catch my breath
As I try to capture the chance
But it escapes my grasp
Time after time
All I ever wanted was a chance
But all I ever got
Was a dream

I sit in class and stare at the back of your head
One seat ahead and two to the side
I can see the gentile features that make up your face
I love the glow of your essence
The magic that you dawn as your crown
I love you but I can’t tell you
The shadow you cast is what makes my world dark
But there’s no way for you to know
I want to hold you close and look in your eyes
And tell you how you free me
There are no assigned seats in college
But I count on your seat being filled
I need your existence so I am held in check
I need you to show me I am nothing
Just a speck in the sands of time
The sand in between your toes
As you walk on the beach with your boyfriend
And I am left wondering what my life would be like
If I could be with the girl
One step forward, two steps right
And a million miles away

My skin
It burns
It fries
It boils
And splits
I melt
I want
To stop
To drop
To roll
But I can’t
I can’t
Free myself
From the flames
That engulf
My body
The flames are
My love
My passion
My fear
My anxiety
My need
My desire
I just
Want water
To put out
This fire
That I caused
This fire
That I want
All I need
Is someone
To put out
The flames
You could
Put them out
But I pushed
You away
Because I know
You would
Leave anyway
So I burn
I blaze
Through the night
Night turns
To day
And I
Am nothing
I am
A pile
Of ash
Wishing
I could be
A phoenix

Every day is a performance
I perform the dance of pretending
That I don’t care about you above all
I’d die for a kiss
But I wouldn’t lie for a kiss
I would never lie to you
But I still have to perform
I still have to act
I still have to play a role
In this out of tune musical
I still have to be the sob story
But all I want
Is to be the love story
I wish I could write the plot
I wish I could change it
To a dance number
Where we dance to music
Only we can hear
Now that’s a performance

You are part of my future
I hope
I quote Bon Jovi a lot
About you
He says what I can’t
He says
“I want you
Like the roses want the rain
I need you
Like the poet needs the pain”
He’s right
Love at first sight
But real
It’s like I can’t be too close to beauty
I wear bug spray
That only works
On butterflies
I want you
Like you are in my mind
I picture sitting
Across from you at family dinners
Looking you in the eye
Like we share some big secret
You in a blue dress
Spinning in a meadow
More beautiful
Than the flowers
I picture my first
Real smile
Smiling back
At your glee
I picture
A slow dance
In a crowd
But we don’t care
We don’t see them
I picture
You in a raincoat
Enjoying the rain
Because it helps
The flowers
I picture
A dinner for two
Near the window
Overlooking the sea
I picture
The sea itself
When I look into
Your sea-green eyes
I talk myself down
Then shut the f**k up
I sing a song
About love
Jon Bon Jovi says
“I never wanted the stars
Never shot for the moon
I like them right where they are
All I wanted was you”
I want you
To want me
But if you ever need
As JBJ said
“Someone beside you
Someone to cry to”
I am here
For you
I want to do
Anything you want me to
I would take you to
A pop concert
Even though
I hate pop
Hell
I would go to a
Yankees game for you
But I know
You like the Sox
So no big deal
I picture
Dark clouds
Clearing out
I want to sing to you
And play you the guitar
And drum a rhythm
On my leg
As I wait for you
To get ready
I want to lose myself
In your eyes
I picture
Growing old
And sitting beside you
On the porch
Looking back
At all those memories
That haven’t happened yet
Material goods blind us
Experiences shape us
But you turn
Me to us
You are the link
Neither material good
Nor experience
I picture
Us

You are the roads in Venice
Getting lost in your voice
Like getting lost in those streets
So hard to find my way out
But maybe I don’t want to
Maybe I want to wander these streets
And eat pasta and pizza
And dream of a life with you
You say you need to go
But your eyes plead
For a reason to stay
In your eyes I see Venice
And the people in the town center
Enjoying their gorgeous city
You ask me if I love you
And I lean in to kiss you
And whisper how much I love you
But you were never there

They say we’re all different
That we are like snowflakes
Every one of us a special creation
I believe I am more of a snowman
Because every time I see you
And your smile
I melt
The guys around me say
They want to see you without
All those clothes
That they miss the summer
I love you the way you are
I love the idea of laying in our
Puffy coats and making snow angels
Building a snow fort
And drinking hot chocolate
Sitting on the couch
In front of my fireplace
A fire and no other light
The flickering flames
Illuminating every feature
Of your perfection
One at a time
And you look at me
And I look at me
And I am just a puddle
I saw you and
Melted

My heart doesn't drop
Like I assumed it would
Like it does when
I see the other girls I like
But you're different
You always have been
I like you
But it's more than that
I think I love you
Because my heart
Doesn't sink
When I see you
Instead it speeds up
And I can feel
The lifeblood
Run through my veins
And I smile
Not a huge grin
But a smile
A smile that shows
The sun has come out
You stop to talk to me
And I never want it to end
I want to walk with you
To wherever you're going
I want to hold your hand
Our fingers intertwined
We would walk
To a picnic table
Set in the bright green grass
With a red checkered cloth
Draped upon it
A basket sits centered
On the heart of the table
A bottle of wine
Its neighbor to the left
We would take our seats
Across from each other
And I would open the wine
And as I pour you a glass
You would say
That you love me
To which I would reply
That I love you too
And that
That little sentence
Those three words
That "I love you"
Fills the sky with light
I don't feel this way
About many people
But there's something different
About you
Something that makes me think
My heart is confused
As it flies instead of sinking
But maybe it's just me
Maybe I'm confused
Because I've never been in love
Not like this
Not where hope runs high
Without any evidence
I guess
I just never felt irrational love
But I guess
I do now
So this is what love feels like?

I’m up all night
Trying to write a love song
But poetry that doesn’t rhyme
Really doesn’t translate to my guitar
I fell in love with you
Like the sunset over the ocean
Like the wind whistling through the trees
Like the birds waking me with their songs
Like a melancholy memory
Like a melody that soothes the soul
But none of that works in my song
I just want our song
It doesn’t have to be written by me
Because when you’re by my side
Love is all that surrounds us
No music, no sounds at all
But it’s the middle of the night
And I still haven’t written a lyric
Not one line that can say how much
I need you like the sun needs to set
Disappearing into the ocean to cool down
You are the light of the sun
Illuminating everything
And never noticing I am here
Because there is so much else to focus on

I before E
But not in weird
I over E
Intelligence over emotion
But not in me
I'm weird
I'm a mess
My thoughts are
Me as a different person
Looking into the distance
trying to see myself as
Normal
Normal isn't a thing
It's not real
At least that's
What they say
When I beg
To be normal
But I'm weird
I'm strange
I'm a stranger to
Those I love
And those I want to
Please don't leave
Please forgive me
For being
So
So
Very
Weird

I drink to get drunk
I smoke to get high
I do this all
Just to get by
Since your love is the drink
Your love is the drug
You are my dealer
You are the plug
So I can’t get drunk
And I can’t get high
All just because
You can’t be mine
You send a shiver
Down my spine
At least you’ll see
That this poem rhymes