I watch her in the corner of my eyes
Often looks can lie
She is beautiful in so many ways
I could get high off her looks for days
She has blondish hair
Looks around the room without a care
I know people stare
They watch me to
There disgusted by what they think I do
They are not right
No conclusions should be drawn from sight
She has short hair
A look of dare
A face that says everything
Her voice is beautiful and rings
She stays there like a stone
Beautiful and alone
I yearn to speak to her
But I don't have the nerve
It's not a good time, nor place
But yet again I look at her face
I would never know what she was like
Again I am just a ****
A crushing hard ******
Nobody ever knows
They are all fantasy
Never reality
I've always made things bad
Made my girl sad
I am done trying
Never knowing what these girls keep seeing
I'm a moody *****
Half the time I want to go die in a ditch
I take pills every night
Drink until I see the morning light
What do they see
All I see is worthless me
Never meant much
My ex said don't talk such
She said I cause the pain
I say I'm just on the verge of going insane
And anyways half the girls I have liked have been straight
In the end I found it to be great
At that I roll my eyes
Every time a bit of me dies
An I love you
Then a babe do you know what I do
The sad truth
It still kills me
And makes me be
The ***** who's moody
Who nobody really sees
I cry at night
Am growing less acquainted with the light.
I am going back to dangerous ways
Cutting my wrists with a blade
Today it bleed all morning
That was fun to hide.
I went in the bathroom to wash it
Watched a girl stare horrified and just shrugged.
Nothing left to loose.
I don't really have anyone except maybe Em and a few others.
Gosh if she knew how much she helps.
I feel like I don't show her enough.
Enough emotion and change.
I know I hurt her.
If she ever reads this I want her to know that no I am not okay.
Yes I look up to you everyday.
You made me out down the knife.
You saved my life.
Multiple times you've showed me light.
You've talked me out of suicide late at night.
That means so much you don't have a clue,
Emily just how much I love you.

1990

Don't hope
Don't dream
Don't love
The pain strikes suddenly
Like lightening from above

Don't feel
Like this
Don't believe
In bliss
Don't breath
Hold your breath
Don't need
Live in death
Don't chance
The loss
Don't pay
The cost
Don't love
No loss

Don't unchain
Your heart
There's nothin' scarier
Than bein' naked to the pain
Don't let her in
Lock your prison door
'Cause you're a prisoner
Don't let her in

Don't touch the flame
Don't get any hotter
Don't let your heart
Feel like a fish out of water

What heinous act could I have played
that the beast is still hunting?
wanting to devour it's pound of flesh

What sins so grave have I committed
that this beast still seeks me out?
to make me repent.

Who gives it the power to choose my demise?
it takes it's own will as testament
to it's righteousness.

And I have given a pound and a half of flesh
I have repented of my sins
I have paid my tithe
I have asked for forgiveness
I have changed my ways
I have paid
I have paid..

And yet it still stalks me while I sleep
and in my waking hours
it gathers strength.

It's pursuit
relentless
never tiring
never slowing.

I will never be free

I run but I will never escape it's might
the rules absent
the game devised for amusement

A pound of flesh for a morsel
an eye for a glance
a tooth for a word
the scales tipped
unbalanced

The law says to the sanctuary I must run
yet it is too far
cornered and scared
panting for breath

Beast  
carnivore  
eater of souls

PREDATOR

In my fear I cannot run another step
muddied and worn
spent
resigned
fate

It's eyes black are devoid of all humanity
it takes a step and I can do but one thing..

**Fight.

Stuck in this shell.
Like a part of hell
it torments.
But at moments
it's like a calm sea
so empty.
Until a storm comes
and I'm the only one
and it goes back to hell
and I can't escape this shell.

sometimes
things dont work out
**I hope this is not one of those

my subject, mrs. ((brown?))
for this speech is
going to be: obesity. ish.

you see I remember
the article you handed out to us,
loos-leafed,
fresh-pressed,
a dry white piece that told,
in simplest terms,
the most inarguable & bland facts
about !healthy eating & !weight loss!

but mrs ((whatever)), I want
to tell n and the entire
******* crisp class,
that obesity is a load
of steaming ****
from someone who’s really fucki
ng sick (you know how much
better it stinks then)

that obesity
was made to be glorified,
I don’t tell you this—
I ****** jiggle it to you,
grab my santa clause puch and
shove it at you--

tick tock
we wait for the clock
to tell us what
s to come,
except it makes us guess

--see this:
a mid-age woman, mother,
fat & previously fat,
goes in for stabbing pain in the chest, or
chronic diarrhea,
seeing stars & no energy left.
((this happens))
the doctor says,

well let’s weigh you n see
if you’ve lost
the weight I told you to lose before
remember Sharol

now Sharol..,,,, sweety…..
you weigh 55.62 lbs over the
state-set “healthy limit”k,
so we’re just gonna give u these
diet pills & I promise they work,.
all nach-yer-awl u see, none of that
waterweight ******* [! excuse my language]

and in about 3 months you’ll lose
half that overweight,
and I promise the starsll go away and you’ll
feel right tip top okay now that’ll be
$60 & come bac k in a month to tell me
how much you’ve lost okay

haha but that’s alrightright?
she was unhealthy
&
doctors make you healthy

only her brain cancer maybe, or like, colon
cancer or literally anything other obesity

kills her in about 3 months
bc the **** doctor would only
pretend that she cared
what
was
wrong with Sharol, sweety…,,,

im sharol and so are you and
so is your uncle & so is
your mother, probably
because most of us are “obese”

& the only cure for obesity
is the cure for the term
“obesity” you see