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 May 2018 empty seas
may
i was not prepared for something like this to
happen

i thought we were never suppose to talk again

because of the choice i made almost a year ago

but here you are slowly making it into my life again

i can’t decide if this is for better or for worst

i want to see the bright side of this i really do

though when i start to really think about it all

my anxiety gets the best of me

im ready to see what happens next
although scared at first, i’m so glad this happened.
 May 2018 empty seas
levi eden r
it grew and grew until i couldn't sink into my chair anymore.
this growing anxiety that flared up inside me whenever someone walked past me.
irrational
and confusing
but real,
very real.
paralyzed where i was sitting,
i couldn't even lift my head.

this can't be happening.

this wasn't happening.

as she called my name, everything went silent
and everything stopped.
deer in the headlights,
i shook this feeling off and smiled,
i'm okay.
 May 2018 empty seas
levi eden r
and for a moment,
a day or two,
maybe if i'm lucky a week or two,
the sky opened in two.
deciding that they had to keep me alive just to break me down again,
they let me breathe.
i understood what everyone was talking out,
the flowers, the feeling of the sun's warmth on your skin, the light at the end of the tunnel,
i understood it all.
and in this moment i hugged death and thanked them for  letting me breathe every once in a while.
 May 2018 empty seas
levi eden r
you.

you're just afraid of abandon.
you need someone to hug and to love you
and of course you need someone to hold you and your broken up heart and say "you'll be okay".

darling, baby,
please get a hold of yourself.
there are stars in your eyes and your hands are like fireworks when you create.

the moon, the stars, the sun, the trees, your family, your friends, the people you consider your saviors will be here after the fall
whether it be "just this once" or many other times.
they will be here to catch you and help you back up.

you will wake up one day and love yourself without a doubt.
you'll love yourself as you love others immensely.
now a warning now, okay?
you will fall again,
over and over.
life will never be perfect but honey, it's not supposed to be.
you have to learn to be your own hero because, and god forbid, one day you might have no one to save you.

you,

you will be okay.
 May 2018 empty seas
Em Quinn
its hard to write when your mind is empty,
like your brain can't put together the words right.
every time i glance at the blank page
i catch my breath,
and my eyes trail in and out of focus.
i don't know if it's out of frustration,
or whatever else,
but its like my head sinks below the water for a minute,
whenever i pick up a pen.
writing shouldn't feel like drowning, yea?
so why does it feel like drowning?

its hard to write when your hand isn't steady,
like its trying to run away from the words.
an unsteady hand is the enemy of poetry,
so i guess i can say that,
when people ask me
why i can't do the things i love anymore.
why my days are spent inside,
shades drawn.
maybe i can say that i can't see the notebook,
that's why i haven't been writing.

what i don't say
is that i don't
want
to see it.

these days, words weigh on my mind like cement.
anxiety has been extremely hard to deal with lately, so i'm very sorry for the lack of posts. dealing with life is hard sometimes, yea?
 May 2018 empty seas
Her
i have tried to fill
the cracks within my soul
with coconut oil
in hopes that it might
one day soften my sharp edges
and fill these empty voids
with meaning

i have tried to fill
the cracks within my soul
with cement
in hopes that it might
one day make me stronger
so no one could ever hurt me

it wasn't until
the coconut oil seeped
to the ground and
the cement crumbled
within the first earthquake of emotions
did i realize

these cracks within my soul
that i have spent years
of my life trying to cover up
make me who i am today

and that is enough
 May 2018 empty seas
Her
Recovery
 May 2018 empty seas
Her
the cage of
my own making
made up of bones
and my own self hatred
has combusted at
the first touch of
self love

my bones dissolved
as the love poured
over them
the self hatred oozed
from the cracks
and escaped my body
never to be seen again

for the first time in years
peace flooded my brain
finally all that was left

was
just
m e
"You're so smart!"

"Oh, uh, thanks"

Somewhere,
Somehow,
Before I could decide,
I was placed into a box.
I was put into a place where escaping was not an option
As I began to realize I could not escape, I made the best of it.
I worked hard, I studied long nights, and I made the best of what I had
I was going to make this box my home.

"Of course it's her"
"She always wins everything"
"***, she's such a nerd!"
"Do you do anything besides study?"

I am overcome with confusion
Why had they, the people who had put me in my box
Begin to ridicule me for this?
I had grown accustomed to my box
I actually kind of enjoyed it
But now, I see that I was in a bad box
So,
I try to conceal it
Hide it
Wash it away

It didn't work.

Would I forever be the nerd?
The overachiever?
The effortless straight A student?
The no-social-life excluded nobody?
Would I forever be placed into a box
With the terms and conditions already applied?

- a.g.
this was based off of my own experiences from being "the smart one". whenever I've achieved something, people have always said "of course", like it came naturally. like I didn't work for that achievement. and most importantly, I have always had stereotypes made about me by people who knew nothing about me. this is to address this issue of "having everything handed to you" where many people do not realize the effort it takes for an individual to achieve any matter.
 Apr 2018 empty seas
levi eden r
why do i miss you even when you're near?
i can't feel your hand when it's interlocked with mine
and looking up at you,
with lost puppy brown eyes,
find me.
please find me.
i've separated myself from reality so much that i can't seem to find my way back.
so please,
find me.
help me feel something again other this feeling of disquietude.
please find me and get me out of this,
what common would call a "funk"
but if you knew me well enough you would describe it as what it is,
darkness.
i'm waving my hands to people i can't see,
things i can't see.
in total surrender on my knees,

i need to see light again.
i'm currently in a good place so it's pieces like this where i'm just writing how i've felt before. but with this one, i do kinda feel like this. although i feel a type of happiness, this uneasy feeling at the pit of my stomach is always there reminding me that i'm completely lost.
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