i let myself feel sad because they told me that it's okay to just feel,
"let it out",
so i did that.
i held my head underwater to feel the pressure in my ears to match the pressure against my heart.
i sat in that red chair and looked at nothing,
listening to brand new,
feeling like every sad movie ending crumbled into one sad person.
a deep breath followed by a sad sigh.
everything is so sad,
sad
sad
sad.

worry pooled into my stomach,
making it's way into my brain,
spoon feeding thoughts that make me glued to the earth.
the only thing i could do was write.

I fell in love with you
My ocean blue
Silent and deep
I will forever weep
For your heart I cannot keep

"i love you" she says
"i'll never leave you"
"i love you and only you"
but it wasn't the truth was it?
you avoid me in the halls
you had to block me
we used to be happy
but now
our story is filled with broken "i love you"'s
and heartbroken "i'm sorry"'s
do you still love me like you say you do?
do you really want me to fight for you
you said "if you love me, you'd fight for me"
but my love i am fighting
but nothing will work
for we are two broken hearts, filled with lust, love, and hurt

im not submerged into anything
im drowning in my own breath
drowning in stress
anxiety
sadness
yet nothing at all
im numb
but im suffocating in this world
nothing is blocking my air passages, nothing is around my neck
but i feel a tightness in my throat
i shake
yet im silent
i get irritable
annoyed
and i shut down
sometimes i'll cry
others i just sit there staring at nothing
and i just... sit

He is kind, holds me lovingly
His hands are soft against my skin
He whispers kindness in my ears
His words are like honey, sickeningly sweet
He loves me

His hands are rough and strong
Wrapped tightly around my throat
He screams hatred in my face
His words like daggers in my soul
He loves me not

He kisses me gently, apologies on his tongue
His lips draw me in, he is the lion to my lamb
He says he needs me, that he wants me
I want him too
He loves me

His words are slurred and slow
His eyes are bright with rage
He slashes a broken bottle through the air
His hands bruising the skin around my wrist, I cannot escape
He loves me not

He washes the blood from my hair
Massaging my bruised skin
He cries to me for forgiveness
He wants a second chance
He says he loves me

He throws me against the wall
His body pulsating with fury
His words of hate now turn to threats
He is scaring me
He loves me not

I cry within the bathroom
I hear him banging on the door
He is screaming to be let inside
But I’m scared he will hurt me
He loves me

Is this what love is
To be scared in your own home
To tremble at the sound of footsteps
Coming up the stairs
He loves me not

It is not love
Because
He does not love me

god and i heard you slamming doors and hitting walls.
i was made paralyzed with fear and worry of what's next to come.
i am only -- and the only "future" i see is looking down at my family and friends from the sky,
sitting on a cloud,
shining at night,
making it rain from my sadness of not being there anymore and the sadness woven into my existence.
i, moon, am not supposed to be happy.
everyone has proven that to me.
everyone has beat me, "loved" me, pushed me to the edge.
but i understand now,
yes,
i know now that i am not supposed to be here.
-- years of my life and all i got was signs that this was a
mistake.