i haven’t been writing lately,
but i also haven’t been feeling anything.

i’ve been numb for days,
just kind of floating along.

waiting for something to happen,
and wake me up.

once telling someone me,
who i am,
it's always "how did you know?".
i didn't.
i knew who i was like you knew that pants where worn on legs or that love is both amazing yet disastrous,
i just knew who i was.

you begged for life.
fists clutched,
knees close to giving out
once again.
you closed your eyes and
begged for life.
you wanted to feel something other than this growing anxiety for the unknown
and fear of abandon even from yourself
as if parts of you were already wailing their hats on moving trains.
there had to be something right?
something in the books that you overlooked,
that you haven't tried,
or in other people's words
"haven't tried hard enough".
not wanting to feel is one thing
but begging the joy and the euphoria to fill your veins again is another.
you cranked up every song that used to make you feel alive,
you cleaned every inch of the house,
you rose your hands to the sky together and pleaded to be saved,
shoving every thought of
"this is just my bedroom ceiling."
out of your mind.
you ached to feel,
you begged for life.

I dealt death today.

I know it’s a part of the job.
I know I’ve seen it too many times to count.
But today,
I felt it.

I left the room long after their family did.
There was no where I could go
To escape their

Roaring grief.

They were long gone.
And I was left with their precious baby.
I curled his arms and legs up
Closed his eyes
Wrapped him up gently.
With love and respect
Here he’ll sleep forever.

And oh,
They are so thankful,
That it was me
That I understood
That I was so careful
That I spent the time with them.

And you’re not supposed to take it with you.
You’re supposed to leave it
When they walk out the door
With one less goodbye.

But I took it with me today.

The way they felt before
The way they felt after
The long quiet goodbyes
The man in a suit on his knees weeping
The mother and son making a cocoon
Sheltering their dying baby.
The solemn face of the woman who plays god.
The green death.
The last breath.
The heaving of the living as he gave his last.
The waiting.
Slower rhythm.
Quieter.
‘He’s gone now’.

I watched the clock
The same way I had
An hour before
Waiting for death.

Soon as I could
I fled out the door
Ran into the street
Tried to outrun it

Instead I ran to you
I dialled your number
With shaking hands

I know I’m not supposed to
But all I wanted was you
Your voice

Ringing out
Thankfully
I wept alone.

Today I dealt death
And I found I am not strong enough
To sustain this
Alone
Or for long.

I found I still consider you my haven
Deep down
But that you are not my haven anymore
Or should be.

I listened to the silence
After the call rang out
And decided

cherry colored lips,
sun made freckles,
eyes that are and will always be the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen.
i didn't know life until i met you.
i didn't know love until you showed me.
i feel lucky enough to have found you and held you.
with you,
i can hear the calming sounds of the sea,
the rain sounds beautiful when i'm with you not sad,
i can see me alive two years from now.
you are my muse and i will never let you die as long as they read my words.
our love will be infinite,
we will be infinite.

If I could guess
It's been a minute
Since I thought about her.
Sixty seconds since
Her arms were
Wrapped up in my mind.

If I could guess
It's been a few days
Since she thought about me.
And I was far
From intertwined