Writing kept me sane.

What do I do now when there's nothing worth sharing—no writing left in me anymore?

There’s nothing more painful than holding unto something so valuable, only to be taken away from me in a blink of an eye.

one bullet to the head
two pills to ingest
three knife stabs to the heart
four steps to the railroad crossing
five cuts in the wrists
six






feet off the ground

Your feelings are like the flowers that you gave me. Fragrant and ethereal,

But wilts, but wilted.

And just like your love, it was only momentary.

The rose has withered,
Its petals started to fall out of its core
The thorny vine that ******,
Will no longer do so,
Oh life, where is it!
Bring it back, bring it back!

Why does the world had to witness its beauty
If it’s going to wilt in the end?

You are the creamer to my tea and the sugar that sweetens the bitter parts of me.

I am sad and disappointed
On how my life turned out
I had big dreams
And I had those visions
But now it all turned into dusts
That pricked my eyes
And I am crying
For it hurt
To witness
My dreams
Shatter and break
Before me.

Breathe through the numbers
Cease through the smoke
Drink another liquor
Or chug another canned coke

An immature irrational being
Turned 18 this year
Don't you dare go clubbing
Just sleep off all your fears

You are growing old
Should let all the insecurities go
Hope you become brave and bold
Fly high and soar like an arrow!

I don't know if this makes sense, wrote it randomly kanina. But anyway, happy birthday!

The words you said
Pierced through my heart
It is true what they say
You cannot take back what you just have said.

is it possible?
or it is possible?
the thought of
falling out of love
with the person
you caressed and held at those rainy days?

is it possible?
or it is possible?
the thought of
falling out of love
with the person
you kissed and promised that you'll stay by their side?

is it possible?
or it is possible?
the thought of
falling out of love
with the person
you treated like your moon and stars and your entire galaxy?

is it possible?
or it is possible?
the thought of
letting go the person
you once fell in love with?

Your kisses electrified all the dying pieces I had within.

Your touch magnified all the scars in my heart.

Your laughs resonated through my soul.

Your tears rippled through my skin.

Every part of you are puzzle pieces that I've been finding for so long.

I've been in this room for ages
Shouting, screaming, bearing this pain
Confined in this illuminated space
Surrounded by white walls
It worsened my pain
Prevents me from breathing
I am choking from the stench smell that whirls in the air
In and out, going back and forth
Your touch, your porcelain skin
The moist feeling of your caress
Staying gives me relief
Comfort to my pain and ache

Needles inside, please stop I had enough
I am so tired
Let me fall into a deep sleep
Let me be numb
I cannot bear this sensation
The squeezing of my insides
It crushes my heart

I tried to cure it, I did
Nothing worked, nothing did
Is it my fault for feeling this way?
All I wanted was for my emptiness to be filled
I admit, I have no sense of control
Stuffing my mouth and eventually suffered
Pangs and ache consumed my being

The lining is already teared
Abrased, lacerated, this is absurd
Continuous flow
Wiping repeatedly
The bin overflows with the rolls
Flushing, hoping this is my last
Please end this misery,
Diarrhea, I don't like your company.

I forgot how your touch felt
For I froze and became numb
In Antarctica
After you left me.

What should we do
With the thoughts
We know
We can never
Share with anyone?

I saw your photos today. You looked so good. Your new haircut suits you well. You also gained a little bit of weight. The smile you wore in that photo made my heart skip a little then it beated faster as the thought of I'll never be the reason anymore crossed my mind.

I was never half full
Nor half empty
I was always a cup
A punctured cup
Never to be filled
Never to be fulled

Sometimes, I find it hard to write, and sometimes I don't. And sometimes, I find it difficult to bring to words how sad and happy and frustrated and angry and ecstatic and morose and forlorn and agitated I am with life.

That's why, most of the time, I choose not to speak.

Because words aren't enough to express my introspection. Because words would only complicate my complicated thoughts. Because my rumination is a process that words cannot simply justify.

Because everyone wants to speak, yet no one wants to listen.

Most of the people nowadays are too egoistic to lend an ear.

Others whine of not being heard, yet they only listen to respond, not to understand.

That's where problems stem.

I'd rather be a silent listener than a speaker who only listens to respond, not to understand.

In a closed room with white walls, nothing can be heard but their heavy breathing and the beeping of machines.

Cacophonous sob and whispers grew.
The sound of the machine is slowing down.

It was time.

A man wearing a white coat came.

It really was time.

Nothing can hurt more than seeing someone go.

Society tells you to be yourself
Yet they judge you when you are yourself
Society tells you to be honest
Yet they judge you when you are being honest

Never let our society dictate what you have to become,
You are your own person.
Don't give a ****.

I was once a neat paper, free of creases, and white as ****

Yet, what have I become?

I am now a wrinkled paper
Full of illegible scribbles
Ripped edges
Droplets of water and blood colored the paper brown

What have you done?

I wish I never gave you the power to crumple me.

I was once a pen that's full of ink
But I had dried out, because of neglect

Now, I am of no use.

After using me, improperly
After extracting everything I can give

You threw me, in the trash can

You said that's where I belong.

Rarely understood
Always disregarded
Most of the time irrelevant
Perpetually worthless

That's how I'd describe my existence.

Selfishness
is
a
disease
that
people
chose
not
to
cure

You know that feeling when you can't write a ******* poem but wanted to write so bad that you end up being miserable and lonely and insecure about yourself?

Our past where once part of a sweet memory we forged.

In a hidden room where darkness resides, and colors were only of black, two people filled with tension were left behind.

Awareness was there, but the urge was stronger. And despite the lack of illumination, nothing hindered the feeling of sensuality. Perhaps, curiousity is the reason. Nevertheless, satisfying their desire was the only thing that mattered.

Their body spoke a tongue no one but only them could decipher. They were laced with the fragrance of greed. Having one objective, to infuse a blazing passion into every part of their bodies. Electricity was felt in every touch. A gentle caress drove them mad.

He made a move that made her tense. She made a move that made him restless. Their bodies danced in synchronization. A majestic performance, unseen by the world and concealed with pretentiousness.

Euphoria echoed the room. Ecstasy rushed through.

Attraction. Addiction. Temptation. Rhyming words. Different spellings. Yet, those were the same sentiment they shared.

Bright colors now surrounds the room, even so, nothing can hamper what they feel.

Trapped in a lustful spell.

It was a mistake they were willing to do over and over again.

There's nothing even special about her! Her ***** aren't huge, in fact, they're non existent. She has a big stomach, a stomach that is massive in size compared to her *****. She has a lot of pimples. She's not even smart. She loathe books! She doesn't even know how to spell the word "serious". She's not popular either, actually, there's a fair amount of people who despises her. She's annoying if you'd ask me.

But despite her imperfections and flaws, I love her. I really do. Perhaps, because of how tactless she is, or how her double chin shows up every time she laughs, or how she manages to brighten my day up even if hers also went bad, or how cute she looks when she smiles, or how sweet she acts towards me. She still crept into me.

I accepted her imperfections. I loved all the beautiful parts of her, and all the ugly too. She isn't beautiful, but her personality is. She made me a better woman because she seeks one in me. Her eyes maybe of color black, but to me, it says various words with different meanings. She's one of the few people I met that's different from the rest.

She's flawed, and so am I, and that made me love her even more. It doesn't make sense to everyone, but it makes sense to our hearts, where it really matters.

I went to church today by myself. How hypocritical of me, identifying myself as an atheist but still continuing to attend masses, never missing one.

Everything was normal. The priest started his homily with a joke of how all the restaurants would be filled with families, celebrating father's day. A tear escaped my eye. That's when it hit me, it was father's day. It was a day that for people like me, wasn't special. That's why the church was filled with fathers and soon to be fathers. The priest continued with his homily, saying that fathers should instill and inculcate to their kids the importance of God being the center of one's life. I cried. Not the loud cry, but tears were running down my face. My heart hurts. My heart was crying. Maybe, I was stressed, like I usually am. I was weeping in silence while the priest continued with the mass. Only now have I realized how empty I've become.

Emptiness was a feeling I never knew. It was a feeling I was familiar with but refused to recognize. I was afraid to be weak. The last thing I need was a pity party. But at that moment, I just let the tears stream through my face. I didn't care if people were looking at me with sympathy on their faces. I was suppressing this feeling for so long, that when it was finally released, it felt like my system was being crushed.

Even if you never stood as a father to us, even if you never acknowledged me as your daughter, even if you ruined and altered my life, you will always be my father.

I realized that there is no sense in harboring hatred towards you, you're one of the reasons why I became strong and independent. You're one of the people, who somehow, shaped me into who I am today.

We may never be comfortable with each other, nor speak to one another. Things might never be okay between us, but know that I always acknowledged you as my father even if you never did and I am grateful to you for making me experience life, even though it sometimes *****.

Happy father's day, dad.

I was so desperate to write a trendy poem
I got suffocated
And got all my creative juices squeezed out of me, unripened

I was so desperate to write a trendy poem
I forgot why I even started writing one,
I failed to remember I started writing to express
Not to impress.

It's so hard to stand up when people around you are trying to knock you down.

Maybe, we're not that worthless as we thought we were.
Maybe, we still haven't found our purpose, and it's completely okay to feel lost and unworthy of this life sometimes.
What's not okay is not getting help from other people.
What's not okay is not admitting what you're feeling deep inside and bottling up those emotions until it explodes.
It's okay to be hurt.
It's okay to feel lost.
It's okay to fail.
Your feelings are valid.
You are worth it.
You're worthy of all the good things this world have to offer.

You are an ocean.
The deeper you get
The darker you see

Maybe that's why I felt lost.

Because the more I got to know you,
The more I saw your true colors
And it was pure black.

A recipe on how to make a person fall in love with:

1 1/2 cups (355 ml) of DEVOTION
1 package (2 1/4 teaspoons) of AFFECTION
3 3/4 cups (490 g) of PATIENCE
2 Tbsp of OPEN-MINDEDNESS
2 teaspoons of SWEETNESS
3 cups of TRUST
2 Tbsp of COMPASSION
1 teaspoon of WARMTH
4 Tbsp of RESPECT
And an infinite amount of LOVE

It was greyish, that 21st of November
When I saw you in that corner
Holding those papers
Smiling at me like a fool

It was cold, that 8th of December
It was the first time we ate together
Holding my hand like it's yours and it's warmer
Looking at you, i'm about to drool

It was sunny, 28th of January
We were so happy, we were so carefree
We talked about our plans
We talked about our future

It was cloudy, that 10th of February
When I saw you dancing
with another lady
I know, that should've been me

It was still cloudy, that 8th of March
We were walking, and you weren't holding my hand
We were so quiet
I know what's about to come

It was 4th of April,
When we took our last photo together
It was after our graduation
You decided to end what we had.

Love stories should end happily,
But ours went wrong, miserably.

I hid.
I ran.
I hid.
I ran.
And hid.
And ran
And hid
And ran.

It was a cycle
That doesn't want to be halted
Only courage will stop it
Where could I find one?
I am a coward, I am afraid.
I don't want to be shamed!
I don't want to be embarassed!

But I grew tired of hiding
And running
And hiding
And running

The cycle stopped
I finally found the courage.

Inside the closet where I hid,
I felt fake
I felt suffocated.
I felt alone.
So I mustered my courage, and stepped outside.

Outside the closet is where I belong.
Those people surrounding it became my home.

We live in an era where common sense isn't really common anymore.

There wasn't a day
I have not thought of you,
Suicide.

How do I build myself up again?
When the person who built me
Smashed me into pieces
And scattered those pieces away?

I loved you without intricacy.
I loved you without reservations.
I loved you from your flesh, to your heart.
I just loved you for who you are.
I just loved you,
Without expectations
Without hesitations.
Without anything.
And with all honesty, I thought that was more than enough.
But love wasn't enough,
You needed my trust,
You needed my commitment,
And I failed in that aspect.
I know it's my fault,
And everytime I remember your departure in my life,
It sends a wave of truth and pain
That I had no one to blame
And it was my fault for not being enough.
You made me realize that
I wasn't enough.
I am not enough.
I will never be enough.

What we had was real
Now, it's gone.
What we had was genuine.
Now, it's gone.
Everything's gone.
Everything.
Every little thing that we had.
I therefore conclude that the quote "people come and go" was definitely true.
I learned it in the most painful way anyone could.

We were once strangers,
turned into friends
then we became lovers,
but now, you're just a stranger,
with all my hidden secrets.
and right now,
you're the person
I wished
I haven't met.

I was struck by the light,
I wished that someone comes
At that moment, I was hoping, I was praying
I was grasping at straws that somebody comes.
I waited, and waited, and waited.
I lost track of time,
Days, months and years have passed.
But I prayed and waited.
Then that day came
When I grew tired of waiting,
I stood up, prepared to leave
Ready to start a whole new beginning
Someone grabbed my hand and told me,
"where are you going, you're leaving what you've been waiting for all this time?"
At the moment, I realized
Some things are really worth the wait.

I stole your ideas
Gonna pretend that it's mine
Oh, someone praised me
But it didn't feel flattering

All I wanted was to be acknowledged
But oooh, that acknowledgement didn't feel genuine
It felt so fake. Like me, and my creations.

till this day
i cannot write poems about you
i still feel a pang in my heart
everytime I try to write a poem dedicated to you

What happened to us?
A question I've always asked.
Even though I know the answer,
I pretend that I don't
It still hurts a lot
Knowing you're not here
What happened to us?
Will always be a question
I knew the answer
But never wanted to hear

Judge me all you want,
Hate me all you want,
But you can never erase the fact,
That you're thinking of my life.

My eyes sparkle at the sight of you
Glaze forms
Hazy vision, drunk from your presence
This odd smile I wear, every time you're there
Gestures changes,
And as you approach, my heart explodes
Breathing rapidly
I unconsciously twirl my hair
You greet me, "hello."
Trying to not let you know
Acting normal, and greeting you back
Masking my admiration towards you,
Hoping you did not notice how I act in front of you

Minsan ako'y napapaisip,
Kung bakit pa ako pumapasok sa eskwelahan,
Pumapasok ba ako para mag-aral?
Eh pakiramdam ko wala naman akong natututunan,
Kabisado ko lahat, ngunit ni isa, wala akong naiintindihan.
Bakit pa ako nag-aaral?
Para ba sa ito aking kapakanan?
Para ba talaga ito sa aking kapakanan, kahit wala naman talaga akong natututunan?
Para ba talaga ito sa aking kapakanan, kahit ito ang dahilan ng aking kalungkutan?
Para ba talaga ito sa aking kapakanan, kahit nalilimutan ko na magkaroon ng mga kaibigan?
Para ba talaga ito sa aking kapakanan, kahit nasasakripisyo na ang aking kalusugan?
Para ba talaga ito sa aking kapakanan, kahit kayo at hindi ako nasisiyahan?
Kayo lang ang natutuwa sa mga matataas kong marka,
Ang mga grado at papuring aking natatamasa, hindi sapat para gawin akong masaya
Nasasakal na ako, gusto kong makahinga
Nakaka-pagod mag-aral lalo na't hindi ko naman gusto ang aking ginagawa
Sinasagad ko ang aking sarili, para kayo't maging
Puyat na puyat,
Pagod na pagod,
Bagsak na ang katawan
At ginagawa lang nilang katatawanan ang aking kapaguran
Hindi nila pinahahalagahan ang aking nararamdaman,
Tao rin ako napapagod, nasasaktan.
Sana maisip niyo rin na gusto kong mag-aral, mag-aral ng hindi napipilitan
Gusto kong mag-aral ng may natututunan
Ayokong maging basehan ang aking mga marka ng aking pagkatuto
Gusto kong pumasa hindi lang dahil basta't kabisado ko at may naipasa
Gusto kong pumasa dahil ako'y may natutunang mga aral na aking dadalhin hanggang sa aking kamatayan.
Bakit pa ako nag-aaral?
Dahil naniniwala akong may makikita akong pagbabago, may makakatagpong **** na babago ng aking pananaw tungkol sa totoong kahulugan ng edukasyon at pagkatuto.

I guess, this is it.
This is our ending.
It's not sad nor happy,
It just feels incomplete,
Like we shouldn't have ended at all
If only we didn't shout
and fought
and got caught
with our pride.
we'd still be happy after all.

delighted
delighte
delight
deligh
delig
deli
del
de
d
de
dep
depr­
depre
depres
depress
depresse
depressed