in us history
we are learning about
the civil war
and nearly every class
i am forced to hear
your name
Georgia
had one of the largest
slave populations
in the united states
so nearly every class
my heart
like sherman's neckties
is wrenched out and
twisted beyond repair

today at lunch
I saw lilly -
like the flower but
with another l,
a fake -
your girlfriend
(soon to be ex
but you don't know that yet)
she actually smiled at me -
i think she was surprised
i hope so -
in response
my ****** muscles
contorted into a
smile(?) more false
than i ever believed i was
capable of producing.
it wasn't really a smile
it was
******* For Ripping Her Away From Me
it was
I Would Like To Punch You But Self Control
maybe (fingers crossed)
it scared her.

I go to sleep at
10 p.m
but lately it's more like
2 a.m.
because I don't want
to turn the lights off

I brush my teeth
every morning and night
but lately it doesn't matter
enough to me
because my breath will only again be soured
by bitter truths in the morning

I don't read or watch t.v.
before going to bed
but lately I've been
listening to children's stories
because they imitate the innocence
that was long ago stolen from me

When you kissed me
your soft blonde hair
chilled by the icy wind
wrapped around my infected piercing
pulled at it painfully
dislodged the scab
and made it bleed.
I said nothing
not wanting to upset you.
In turn
I threw my arms around you
and buried my face against
your shoulder
compressing the fresh cuts
lined perfectly on your arms.
You cried out
and pushed me away.

I am only alive
to see for myself if
I am truly wanted,
if people truly need me,
or if I am a burden.

I want break down,
I want to cry,
but all I can do
is suffer in silence.

My body is numb
but my chest is tight
with so much pain.

I feel nothing
and everything.

This is depression.