i love driving alone. its comfy in a silent car, cause you can just think and think and think about whatever you want to think about and you dont have to think about what theyre thinking about and you dont have to think about what theyll say next or what youll say next or what they think of you. your only job is to think about yourself. can you imagine not being able to take your thoughts off of the person next to you? thinking about someone else is exhausting. i know cause i did it once.

i was driving on some back road somewhere and saw this guy standing on the side of the road with his thumb out. i dont know what came over me but i just pulled over and let him in. he looked at me and i looked at him and… we just looked at eachother. for a minute i couldnt think about anything but his big beautiful eyes. but then i kept driving and- i couldnt stop thinking about them. it made me angry. angry bc he had taken my thoughts. they werent in my head anymore, they were over there. in the passenger seat that should have been empty, swimming around in his big, beautiful eyes.

id never thought so much about someone besides myself and it made me tired. so tired that i just wanted to sleep, but when i closed my eyes all i could think about were his eyes and it made me angry all over again, now because i couldnt sleep.

i drive alone now. still. because that way i never have to not think about myself ever again. my thoughts are mine, and i like it that way.

i might kiss someone
i dont know who, when
but i know its coming
and i know youll be watching
because youre too supportive to let a grudge keep you from expressing your love
and ill regret kissing someone
ill see your deep eyes out there in the crowd
trying to appreciate the art through the heartbreak
and ill regret it

my whole body is burned
outside
inside
ultraviolet rays
and sugar

ive been pounding my fists against this wall for days. or has it been years? no. days.
all my love has been ****** out of me. i dont know where its gone. maybe its evaporated, now floating with the stars.
did you know salt water stains leather? or maybe its just tears. not all salt water.
im distant. even thought youre just on the other side, sight, or lack of it, is one of those catalysts. close? youre closer than ever. far away? where are you.
why heaving? im sick of this ****. dry? i havent eaten anything since the **** quesadilla.
um... yeah. ive started cussing. a regret.

another week is over
i look in the mirror
well ****
it says
thats a waste

its like i have a shadow
except you make me choke
my words are not your clearance
my sitting down is not your opportunity
get off me
go away
let me take this label off my chest
i am not your safe place

you feel so far away
what changed
we used to go for weeks, just texts
its strange
now i ache after an afternoon
knowing youre states away
not safe
for me to feel this way
ill work on being fine
instead of convincing myself that my state is fine

"hon-"

"dont call me hon"

"okay im sorry. i know this makes you uncomfortable but its true and you cant keep running from it. you arent doing yourself any favors"

"and youre not doing me a favor either by confronting me"

"i know it doesnt feel like it hon, but-"

"dont call me hon"

"im sorry i just love you and you need to-"

"dont tell me what i need"

"If i cant tell you that you need to stop lying to yourself then you cant tell me to stop calling you hon"

"i hate you"

"well i love you, hon"

if my brain was bigger
and i had more room up there
youd think id fill it with important stuff
facts and ideas to share
like maybe science, math, and tech
or art and lit instead
but no, for me, whats worth the most
is remembering every sweet thing youve said

i never would have guessed I would want to change everything
tear my lists, maps, and plans out of the notebook
and fill their place with letters
lyrics, little poems, and love
I would do it in an instant
But I don’t
Because I’m afraid of paper cuts
And the tears and blood that they bring
So for now I’ll just leave them
All my plans, safely in the book, their sharp edges far from my fingertips
And I’ll read your beautiful words over and over again
scribbled passionately in the margins between neat lines that predict my future
And I’ll recite them as I walk, drive, sleep
And I’ll wish you were there in those moments instead of just your words
And I’ll wish I wasn’t so afraid of paper cuts

four hands
held firmly
over the eyes of my heart
"no, dont look.
the world out there is scary"
"no"
i say from underneath their palms
"your just scared of what will happen
once ive seen it"
in the silence i hear their thoughts:
"she'll run
of course she'll run"
i smile
"of course ill run"

flashbacks to pjs and long drives
bleached blonde hair and big blue eyes
sad little sunsets hidden behind crumbling houses
made the stratospheric masterpieces that we stumbled across
as we grew up and traveled farther
all the more stunning
we never talked about them though
just trusting that the other treasured them as much as you did
i never doubted that those sunsets were still hidden
in the caverns of your big, odd, heart
now its not just your heart thats big
look at you, so tall in the crowd
walking... somewhere, anywhere, who knows
certainly not you :)
your head high, eyes to the sky
or wherever, anywhere but down
that was never you, you never looked down
except at me, when i would lay on the floor of your room
and giggle when you'd snort
and your goofy laugh
no wonder im out of sorts
i loved that floor
it was always there for me to sit on while you sunk into your bed
i just miss your eyes on me, no thoughts behind them
it was just our moment to sit in the sibling-ness of it all
now we run but i miss when we crawled
we'd stress about the crazy week coming up
but i could never cry in your room
except for that one time
but that wasnt your real room, just your dorm
the dorm with the door
the closed one
that i just stood and stared at for a little bit
like it had slammed on me
and my throat closed
and i choked for a second because i thought
"i hope theres a window in there"
"so he can see the sunsets...
... and maybe remember me"
just maybe
i cried because i wasnt sure
i doubted that you would remember me
that you would remember those sunsets
i doubted they were still shining in you
i want to say that mine are still shining bright
but you dont ever call
and when i call youre only half there
and i understand that where you are is so much better
than where i am
but i still want you here
on your floor
your old floor
where i giggle
but theres no laugh
where theres a sun
but no beautiful light
not anymore

stimulation is atrophy
irises shed their illuminessence
...but its fine

streams of a Savior's blood on the temple floors
cracks of a whip echo off the marble
fresh splinters wedge themselves in the cracks
in the skin
in the soul
the screams and tears go mute for a moment
His moment
to look up from afar
and into these black, clouded eyes
this black, clouded heart
the same weight on His back the same weight in His gaze
the same pain in his crown the same pain in the irises
that bore into blackness and flood it with
glorious light
glorious light
and effortless omniscience of all the terror
of the hell that has entered into the holy place
and stained it with despair
except for the eyes that contain visions of eternal hope
and they are staring at me

fall back into the midnight grass
where are you?....... it doesn't matter
lie still as your luminescent irises reflect
glittering pinpoints in the night sky
graph them all in your gridded mind
a glorious correlation of novas and dark mist
calculations in the cold
PAIN as a star explodes spontaneously
light years away, undetectable
to most
but PAIN ONLY PAIN as your lungs…
they explode inside you
an unpredictable gone unmeasured.
your frozen head falls
90 degrees
shattered cochlea inches off of holy ground

two catheters
one in each tender cavity
the bag held above my head by a dark
evil face, smiling, ready for destruction
fluids of fear
desire drips into the divet of my elbow
floods into my desperate body
what i would do to wrap these punctured arms around you
but for your sake i lay here
i must keep you away, let you go
i don’t deserve your love
i am a disappointment

the walls are cement
they neutralize my soul
i need a buzz so **** bad
my phone is an empty hole
theres no light in it, or in me
i need your buzz so **** bad

theres a trail out there
and shattered glass at the top of its hill
made it all the way up
just to be left broken and ***** at the finish line
im sorry
not because youre broken
(being broken isnt so bad)
but because all you can see is the dust that coats you
i promise
all your pieces make a window
and all the stars make a sky
and all this dust makes the adventure of a lifetime

the circle of light shines down on me
its so bright i cant see
so i look down and around
its so dark i cant see
this is my life, either too light or too dark
the tears are so many i cant see

i want you so bad i have a stomach ache
but gosh **** it
you'll never know because im so painfully shy

if i died
would she realize it was her fault
i dont think so
because she refuses to believe
that ive already decided
that against all truth and logic
im done for now

i look up from my book
and there you are
floating around in my mind again
i turn on the tv
locking you back in your cage called
logic and self control
but as soon as the screen goes black
i see youve slipped between the bars
and youre playing in my imagination
i open the laptop
maybe i can drown you in numbers and words
but you have fins and gills
and you swim around behind my eyes
so i tie my shoes and throw open the door
hoping that i can run faster than you
but as soon as i get home
you jump on me and wrestle me to the ground
telling me everything i want to hear
where i scream and cry
no more, please, no more
and my heart bleeds on the concrete

its dark and soft, everywhere
danger and comfort coexisting around me
and i am tucked away in the latter
invader, middleground, muddled mind
i turn my head and there is a spear of light
two
they glow, ******* up the life and eminating pain
restriction and aggrivation
the clunk, clunk of metal and rubber
breath caught, eyes fixed
fateful and stunning, slender silver
i hate them but i cant move without them
the sheets lose their softness, my middleground slips away
i cant go back to sleep
2:08 am

research claims
that everyone needs at least 12 meaningful touches a day
just a touch that says "i see you"
"thank you" "i love you" "i missed you"
...
and living in a world where we go out of our way
to avoid meaning and intentionality
no wonder we feel lonely so much of the time
3 billion people
living a state of inpenetrability
believing that no one wants to touch them
fearing to reach out themselves
its a cycle of depravation
and its so so sad

the bathroom door has fissures
millions of curved metallic grains
all flowing together
but they etch out a raw, terrifying vision
at least, that's what it is to me: a womb
like the pentagon of an ultrasound
which would normally depict a cramped, squirming fetus
but instead, my face
staring blankly and pathetically back
but i swear im actually thinking, swirling
im trapped in this dark womb fabricated by a million
uniformed streaks

the funny thing about futures
is that theyre hazy with trials
but at the same time so clear, you can see it for miles
can riddle you with excitement, all the way down to your core
and render you helpless in a panic attack on the floor
brighten your day
send tears down your face
wrap you in assurance and plans
look big and scary and tell you "you cant"
be the sense behind your choices
be the source of all the inside voices
be the reason you blossom into a beautiful self
or your legacy will be another unread book on the shelf

"sorry to interrupt your alone time...
but heres cleaning stuff for the bathroom."

i could just go downstairs
look you in the eyes
and open my mouth
smile, speak, anything
i could just get next to you
and sit down in triumph
for having proved myself wrong
and have a conversation
about anything you want
i could just get my nose
out of my book
tearing my eyes away from the words
that offer me an excuse to be alone
and show you that i know
youre more important
i could prove to myself that i am STRONG
and i CAN try
i could just try...
just...
but i dont.
instead
im sitting in the dark
(i cant see anything)
eating mac n cheese
and thinking about how much i want you
alone with my
comfort food and comfort thoughts
because i could and i should but i cant
......but im deseperate...

my room is perfect
just me, my plants, and my lasagna.
the perfect song plays in the background and i hear footsteps up the stairs
normally i can tell who it is by the way it sounds
but i dont recognize the rhythm
huh. weird.
just as im wiping sauce off my face i look up
ohmygoditsyouandyourestandingrightthereohmygodyourelookingatm­e
and at the delicious red mess all over my face.
a million questions race through my head:
why is he here
why is he just standing there
why is he smiling
why wont he look away from me
"that smells really good"
what the heck does that mean
quick, say something cute!!!!
"ha yah its my favorite"
i said cute, you idiot, what the **** was that
p.s. dont forget to breathe
"can i come in? your room is really cool..."
he walks in and looks around.
ohmygodhesinmyroom
"thanks. its like my little bubble of peace and good vibes and contentment..."
stop rambling
"thats cool. woah... theres like, plants everywhere"
"yah, i really like plants. how theyre so green and how they grow..."
he looks at me.
ohmygod he thinks im a total ******
"theyre everywhere... its really beautiful"
he looks at me.
BREATHE
"so what are you doing here?"
"I was just on my way to work and passed by and, well..."
he looks down, blushes and smiles. he looks up at me.
"i saw your light was on, so i figured id say hi. and ive... never actually seen your room before so..."
I smile at him, and for once, my mind is quiet.
"i should go. ill be late..."
he turns to leave.
"hey, thanks for stopping by! its so nice to see you..."
silence. eye contact.
offer to-
"do you want some lasagna? you know, to take with you?"
-or that
he smiles and laughs. my heart swells.
"that's okay. but-"
i smile again.
"could i come by for dinner sometime?"
YES YES YES YES-
i say calmly, "of course. stop by anytime"
silence. more eye contact.
"bye"
"see you soon"
...
*AAAAHHHGGGKJLKJDLIIXB

music is my only caress
they say im too young to desire so strong
i say they're too old to remember
how the passion burns inside you
and then the anger
when you realize how impossible it is
im too small and too tangled in expectations
to be held by a stanger

miscommunication
pent up tension
my sadness, your madness
and now I'm here
criss crossed on the concrete
so cold it stings
scraping my mistake off your precious stones

so so soon
well be together
staring at the stars and moon
and dreaming about forever

we sat together
in a nothing-special parking lot
in your rusty red pontiac
staring at a white picket fence
contemplating whether we should drive right through it
and out into the real world
a world full of love, pleasure excitement
but not without the loss, pain, and down times
but we wanted all of it
we want all of it
because its better than this, this sitting and waiting
abiding by the clock, our parents, our dresscode, our reputations

i love you for sitting there with me
while i cried and laughed at the same time
you magnified the light at the end of the tunnel
and i never want you to leave because you are the little bit of spontaneity i have left

last night i began to cry
because my voice was gone
the sound that kept coming out wasnt even a sound
all wrong, warped, wasted
hoarse, hopeless, hated

i had lost it a few hours before
i gave everything i had to a bad decision
including my voice
and now i sit here in silence feeling violated
and furious
because i cant speak and even if i could
it wouldnt change anything
you stole my voice
and ill never get it back

innocent as in not having done
not as in not having known
i always knew
and it made me sad
but know ive done
and i hate that im fine with it
not because its wrong
but because i am
and now i cant stop
im telling myself im above it all
but i know it rules over me
but thats fine
what is going on

there's a certain pier
out there
that dangles off the east side
of a certain island
that i would without hesitation call 'home'

if you sat out there in the middle of the night
just for kicks for the first time
you'd be slapped around by the angry cliff wind
you'd be overwhelmed by the sea rot
and you'd be threatened the lapping of dark freezing waves
right underneath you in the spaces between the creaky wet beams
and it's all screaming at you to get up and leave

but if you are like me and her
you'd stay
we always decide to stay

we snuck out there late at night
and we found that there's more to the pier than the wind and the smell and the
cold and darkness
we found that there is just enough space
between the windblown wood poles and salt crusted cables
for two beautiful people to squeeze between and dangle their feet
over the edge
to laugh at that cold water and speak streaks of light into it's darkness
we found that there's just enough starlight to take a fuzzy picture
of ripped jeans and flannels and knotted dishwater hair
and a pair of glasses

i didn't know that i could talk to someone the way i learned to talk on the pier
it taught me
He taught me
she taught me

i will never forget coach saying
"swim like you've got a chip on your shoulder"

i can feel her glare melting the rubber of my cap
lol sure coach can do

i used to slam her behind her back
i used to think it all so unjust
the things she'd say, make me do
simply cruel

time+curiosity+willingness+regret= wisdom

im so sorry for everything ive said before
things you should know
but ill never tell you
i think i understand now
with the help of E and M
how she acts
the awful things she says

theyve helped me see who i used to be
but i think/hope ive changed

i hate this
ive never hated anything this much before
and in this way
getting up too early every morning
just to do it all again
and expecting it to be different
isnt that the definition of insanity?
whats even keeping me going?
what is so wrong with me that no one even smiles

i just read a dumb book

About a girl who is wrecked
And a boy who is broken

And then just with one look

They open up and are slowly perfected
By falling into an unreal love

And all it took

To make a teen giddy with hope
Is an author who lives in a hole

To write a dumb book

dont judge someone because they sin differently than you
                        
                                      -anonymous

i am part of a crazy family
and i refuse to believe that
i cant change them
i realize this is shocking, but
"i really love them"
is a lie, and
"they are not important in my life"
since now i have my priorities straight,
im more important than the rest of my family
its just cruel to think
i love them

mom i know i can never make you understand but right now please just hold my hand

i am a psychopath
i am the queen of terrifying confidence
i am a minipulator of truth
and lies
because i
am a psychopath
who has her eyes set
on the way she should be
on the reasons behind what they think about her
hurt
it swirls around inside yet i dont feel it
it scrapes away at the walls of my heart
which should be painful
why not
because i am a psychopath

I want to withdraw
From all those who hate me
But I can't
Because I have responsibilities
And there are some who love me
That hold me back
From an ending
That for the first time in my life
I could write
For myself

are at peace
for they know their beginning
unlike us
who run around on this earth
looking for answers
sure to yield a world of obscene and skillful vanity
once they are found
but the blue tides
come when called and leave when sent away
they have plenty of secrets
but are at peace
because for blue tides
truth is not a commodity

when will i stop making mistakes
the ones that ache
the ones that break
the hearts of others
that heart of yours
that scars
when you think of the hate
that you have for this world
and for fate
which a given you a hand of cards
that is the reason for most of your mistakes
when you meet someone
and decide not to fake it
but then they see your mistakes
and decide to make
them larger than life
because your life is so small
so very small and it hurts to realize
that you don't mean as much
to the person you love
to the person you trust
as you thought
as you ought
to mean
your sadness makes
you make mistakes
that ache
that break
the hearts of others
your heart that hates
and makes mistakes

"Can i ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"You have to answer honestly."
"Okay."
"Really."
"Alright."
pause
"Am i pretty?"
long pause
looks at ground
"Im sorry! You told me to answer honestly!"
"Im not mad. Thank you."
"Why?"
"Because all my life i have been telling myself that i am pretty. And i needed to hear the truth over my own lies. i needed to wake up. so thank you."

Where are words
do they rest on wings of soaring birds
are they underneath the willow tree
of which i've so often heard

who can say where they may hide
must i travel far and wide
till i finally find the words and tunes
that deserve to be sung to you

where
where are words