Kristina Weeks

Kristina Weeks May 2018

The day you arrived on this earth
With eyes like the ocean
Being someone’s everything
What an expectation
Staying up all night
Worrying wondering
Parents, their love
A protective poison

Before was the love
So young so raw
Tickles and tricks
Blocks and shapes
Laughs and naps
Adoration for the boy
And from the boy
Admiration

The gentile touch of the father
Enough to lull you to sleep
The other half the missing piece
Your heart so full
Getting and giving
Looking up at the man
Man who you want to be
The hero
The knight
The king

Walk in dads shoes
Eat your food to be strong
Strong like dad
When you were sad
He was there to comfort you
Hold you
Every broken heart
I love you
I love you

But time
Time is a greedy witch
She always gets what she wants
Moments, memories, lost
Steps, words, smiles
Dances, advice, hearts
Where did they go
Those years those months
days, minutes, seconds
They’re gone
Childhood the dream
Its to wake up

Please...
Just 5...more...minutes

So now on this threshold
Ready to jump
Can’t fit in dad’s shoes
You look back longing
Longing for the simpleness of semblance of youth
Longing for those arms
that are now too far to hold
Drifting away like fog
Apart like the tide from the shore
Don’t want to fly away
Not ready
Not yet

The wonder of the child is gone
The hope in the eyes is gone
The “I love you’s” now gone
Stuck on this perpetual escalator
Constantly moving forward
But trying so hard reaching back
Arms straining stretching seizing
No, please

But look foreword now
Smile my boy it’s sunrise
A new day is dawning
Let the memories live
They live in you
In your reflection
it’s okay
Take that step
Do not fear
Raise your chin to your future
Soon it will be your turn
And one will wear your shoes
And eat their food
To be strong like you

As time progresses
Every hour spent together
Lives within your heart
Though love changes it’s never gone
Merely metamorphoses into more
What a beautiful bond between
Father and son
The father looks at the man
Eyes welling with joy
He lets the man go
So proud of his boy
Takes a step back
Let the bird fly

Broken bones heal if you set them right
Life’s a roller coaster
Keep your arms inside
But you are your father’s child
And he had you for a while
But now you are grown
You’ll be making it on your own

Tears will dry if you give them time
He’s always there standing by your side
Son do not fear the future
Cause you are your father’s child
And he had you for a while
But now you are grown
Just know you’ll never do this alone

#boy #father

Kristina Weeks May 2018

Don’t Wake

Don’t care who it hurts or not
Not coming from a feeling
Feeling nothing actually
Actually apathy
Apathy now I can’t feel
Feel this emptiness
Emptiness but full
Full of the imminent
Imminent end
End this life
Life so hollow
Hollow feelings, gone
Gone like dust in the wind
Wind me away
Away from the living
Living a lie
Lie to them
Them who I want to help
Help me now
Now how about that
That ******* circle
Circle in my head
Head in under water
Water gagging gasping grasping
Grasping at some reason
Reason to love
Love is gone
Gone like my will
Will I do it it
It the biggest sin
Sin to the end
End it all
All of me
Me what’s the point
Point out the reasons not to
To do the deed
Deed to this body
Body vessel borrowed
Borrowed feelings and time
Time to choose
Choose to live or die
Die every day
Day and night day and night
Night in my heart
Heart turned numb
Numb to you
You to me
Me caught in this forever
Forever asleep life
Life pales in comparison
Comparison to living the dream
Dream now and
Don’t
Wake
Up

#lie #living #gone #help #end #head #reason #sin #body #choose

Kristina Weeks May 2018

Versions of Me

This girl is lonely.
She is weak but kind.
She had been hurt.
She lives in her mind.
But this me you see.
What am I?
Who is she?
Is she complex like you?
Does she feel?
Does she cry too?
This ******* the page.
You only see these words.
Words of sadness and rage.
A version of me in everyone’s head.
What an interesting thought.
From all the words I’ve said.
You’ve created an image, a life.
This version of me you know.
I wonder if that me feels this strife.

If you think about it, everyone we meet, whether it’s a friend or just someone passing by, creates a version of who you are in their mind. Then there’s this version of you that is in your mind. The version you know. Well that version you know isn’t even real.

#version #exestentalism #words #me #you #cry #feel #real

Kristina Weeks May 2018

Trapped

Here I am
Trapped in here
This mental prison
Feel so alone
No one understands
No one sees
Why can’t they
How do I
Escape this place
I just want
To be understood
But I’m alone
It’s just me
Is anyone real

#trapped #real #alone #understand #escape #mental #prison

Kristina Weeks May 2018

Ramblings of One Who Was Hurt

This is it.
Exactly what I said.
This is where I turn and run.
I should’ve known.
You warned me.
You told me what you were.

God I’m so ******* stupid.
I put you on this pedestal that I was too afraid to climb.
I painted this picture in my mind of who you were supposed to be.
Made you what I need.
I was content.
I was safe.
You were perfect.
I’m awake.
I expected too much from you.
I set you up for failure.

I get it now.
You were right.
I was scared of hurting me.
Not you.
I lied.
Right to throw up those walls.
They wanted to

crumble

so

fast

to let you in.
Let you see this part of me so I could be free.
Now look at me.
Falling to my knees with your hands around my wrists telling me to get up.
Please.

I’m a ******* fool.
What a ignorant naive shambling corpse crawling around toward the first ray of light.
A ******* fly fumbling toward a bulb believing it was the sun.
Oh how I crashed into that glass.
What a pitiful ***** so ******* feeble frail and forceless I can’t even stand on these legs made of ash.

I’m not mad at you.
I’m mad at myself for letting myself do this
to me.
To us.
It’s my fault.
I shouldn’t have deceived you into thinking I was stronger than I was.
You can have it all.
My empire of dirt.

It’s okay.
The loneliness.
He’s always has been there.
He is singing to me and holding me
while I fall asleep.
The song.
It’s so morose but beautiful.
He welcomes me back with open arms.
“Come here” he says.
“I’ll never let you go”

I tried to tell you.
It’s too hard to truly love someone like me.
And just as I predicted.
The numbness is taking me.
Too strong to fight back.
It’s climbing down my throat.
It’s okay.
I’m choking.

It’s not your fault.
I did this.
Just like I said.
It’s sad though.
I just wanted a bit more time.

This all sounds really stupid.
Just another ****** attempt to articulate the feelings I have no control over.
Sorry.
This is me.
Just a walking talking damaged shell.

But It’s gonna be okay.
Because I’m still weak.
I’m still pitiful.
I still need you.
Yes.
The cycle continues.

#ramblings #loneliness #pain #sorry #cycle #numbness #fault

Kristina Weeks May 2018

That Pain

I can’t anymore
This pain it’s killing me now
God, what did I do

My first haiku.

#haiku #pain #help #god #why

Kristina Weeks May 2018

I’m Sorry

The boy with the enamoring smile.
The boy with the besieging stare.
The boy with the intoxicating touch.
I want you.
I want you with ever fiber of me.

The closer I get the more I burn.
Like a feather next to a blazing fire.
The flames defile my body
scald my skin and my soul.
The pain is cauterizing but addictive.
The more I burn, the more I thirst.

For so long I’ve floated fixated ahead.
So sure in my path.
Yet there you were to change my course.
You shot me from the sky like a ******.
And as I fell in fear and horror you caught me.
Now obsessed, a willing Stockholm.

An all new kind of love.
So deep I don’t understand.
How can I?
How can the girl who knew all the truths be dropped in this chasm of ambiguity.
Terrified but intrigued of the new shadows that permeate my mind.
How could I have been so daft?

Hands trembling with the anticipation of seeing you.
Just one touch and my head reels.
So why am I scared?
A constant scream stuck and swallowed.
A fist down my throat that constricts.

Afraid of that dark side of the moon.
Afraid to get close. Fear of ******* losing you.
Losing you to the void losing you to time losing you to this material world in which you’re so infatuated with.
I’m so sorry.

Infatuating pleasures of the flesh or whatever you can ******* shove up your nose today shove it down your ******* throat like an unwanted scream so you can walk in that upside down.
Force it down. Take the ride. Virgil is waiting. Now an old friend.
The boat across Styx.

You speak of fear. Fear of being vulnerable. A naked babe alone in a field crying out for someone to hold?
If you’re so afraid why do you bare yourself to these demons.
Surely they take advantage of you and reveal you.

My god they will take you.
I see it.
They gnash at your ankles and aim for your knees.
Bring you to them and cover your legs in tar, drag you to the ground.
Drag you to the ******* ground.
They’re inky tongues creep to your chest and out to your hands bringing your face to the dirt.
Just as you scream the tendrils take over and spill into your mouth like an overflowing sink.
They cloud your eyes like a cataract until you’re a ******* empty vessel staring impassively at the opaque wall.
All I can do it watch.
Do you enjoy this mental prison?

These empty feelings ,one more minute in the shadow.
I see it in your eyes.
You see the void and the night closing in.
Maybe this isn’t what you see at all.
Maybe I’m irrational.
Is it just me?

Either way, I’ll take you when the fear overtakes you from your latest odyssey into the world of that line.
I’ll take you when sadness overtakes you and you wretch in my lap.
I’ll take you when you want to laugh and I’ll take you when you shove your arm into my chest, your hands around my neck.

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry.

My god I hate this.

To the boy

#boy #sorry #theboy