"Your hair will fall out"
"You'll faint and pass out"
"Why must you hurt yourself?"

I don't mean to, I swear
I try to recover
Each time I fail

Skin and bones are what I desire
At least that's what my mind tells me
As my body is starving, fading away

Recovery is hard
Relapse is familiar
My eating disorder is killing me

There’s a buzzing energy inside of me
I bounce from wall to wall
Ideas come and go
Scribbles of nonsense on plenty of paper
My mind is racing
It’s as fast as carousel
And I can’t seem to get off of it

I am a high level being
God is talking to me
He’s telling me I must sacrifice myself
These scars on my body tell different stories

The smallest bit of rationality tells me:
Take your medication
Talk to your support system
Call your therapist or psychiatrist

Oh, but manic me refuses
Manic me has cravings
That must be addressed
I must shop until my bank account is in the negatives
I must ******* until my fingers are numb
I must clean until there is nothing
Left to change
I must, I must, I must

But I can’t
Because I can’t seem to get out of bed
Because I scream at my family
When they least deserve it
Because I burst into tears
When I can’t figure out
Who I am anymore

Can’t you see?
This is a mixed episode
I’m trapped, stuck and alone
But just remember,
Despite all this

You can’t stop me
Why can you see?
I am invincible
I am invincible
Oh yes, I’m invincible

I step into the shower
Tears roll down my cheek
I can’t stand to look at my body
What has become of me?

Ohh I want to cut myself
Again and again
Because I feel disgust and want control
I want to shape my body into something
I perceive as beautiful
And that’s anything but me

I try to clean this body of mine
But I can’t wash away my sins
I don’t want to die, but living like this is hell

What I want is to feel something
Anything but this depression
I tired of putting on a bubbly face
I can’t take this anymore
All these pills
And I still don’t feel like me

I know I shouldn’t think this way
And it pains me to say:
“I just want rest and feel okay again”

But what I really mean is
“I don’t want be alive anymore
I don’t want to feel this way
I don’t want be alive
This day is so gray”

It’s been so many years now
I can’t remember the last time smiled
Genuinely and it lasted
And so I thought to myself: “will I ever get better?”

It’s been a few months
Since I was in the hospital
Coming back home was tough
Leaving school was even harder
I felt like failure
To myself and to my family
And so I thought to myself “am I broken?”

It’s been a couple of weeks now
Since I last self harmed
I still have feelings to do that
But I resist the urges
And so I thought to myself “you’re stronger than this”

I know I shouldn’t think this way
And it pains me to say:
“I just want rest and feel okay again”

But what I really mean is
“I don’t want be alive anymore”
I don’t want to feel this way
I don’t want be alive
This day is so gray”

But for today,
Please just let me be
I need some rest from fighting
This demon in me

“I don’t want to be alive”
At least not for today
But maybe tomorrow that feeling will change

I remember our first date
Like it was yesterday
It may not have been perfect
But you were perfect to me

I’m here right now
Trying to make the most of this
But all you’re doing is looking down on me
You don’t see as an equal
I’m so confused
Did I do something wrong
Meet me halfway

Oh, three months later
You started hitting me
I didn’t expect this
Especially from you
I wanted to think it was a one time thing
But the bruises got darker
And the pain got stronger
So I thought:

“You keep pushing me down
Why am I still here?
Because I’m still in love with you
Even when I spread some tears”

Oh, I’m love with you
This is pained love
And I can’t take it anymore
I might still love you
But I’m falling, falling out of trust for you

So here’s my good bye
You never even tried
To say sorry, sorry
For all the lies
You were my prince
And I was your servant
I couldn’t see that but now I’m free
From this pained love
Oh, pained love

A few minutes ago I was having a panic attack about who knows what. I was hyperventilating and my chest tightened. I felt like I was dying, but I had to remind myself I wasn’t.

Now, that experience made me realize that I’m proud. I’m proud of how far I’ve come since high school. I’m still me, but a stronger and braver one, if I may say so myself :))

This picture shows how many days it’s been since I’ve self-harmed. Once I started self-harming in the new year, I found it hard to stop. Now, I won’t name any details as to not trigger anyone, but I felt that everywhere I went triggered me around my house and in public. Then the panic would set in. Therapy helps a lot, but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help, and I was resistant for some time, but now I’m giving all I have to get better.

I am seven days clean from self-harm and am proud of everyone else out there fighting their own demons. We are stronger together. Don’t fight alone in silence. I’ve experienced that, and it’s not easy. Keep fighting through the pain, and remember what it is you’re fighting for. You.

Often times people say go to the gym, “It’ll make you happy, and you’ll feel energized!”

These are some of the things I’ve experienced or thoughts I’ve manifested over my teenage years. Ahh yes great ol’ puberty! Onto adulthood, yikes!

Go to the gym and lose that extra weight that your family and so called “friends” have been passively judging you for.

Go to the gym, but don’t lift weights because you’ll get bulky, and no one will ever love you if you look like a female Hulk.

Go to the gym. Go to the gym. I hear this left and right. But I fear that I’ll embarrass myself and that everyone is watching me.

Anxiety and panic attacks hold me back. And what happens when that clinically depressed person is told time and time again to “just work out” and “get out of bed; it’ll make you feel great?” What if they just came down from a manic episode and crashed? What will people say then?

Well I know what I want to say:
This isn’t as simple as the morning blues or that feeling you have after listening to a sad song that reminds you of your past. (Not to disqualify those emotions whatsoever.)

Depression is the ruminating thoughts that no one loves you or ever will. It is feeling so empty that your appetite is nonexistent and your motivation to do what you once loved is gone.

Anxiety is holding your breath and forgetting to breathe, so you just sit there in pain until finally someone or something reminds you to release.

Release all that you’ve built up. Stop the isolation, and share what’s on your mind. It’s not easy. Trust me I know.

Two days ago I went to the gym, and yesterday I went to the gym. Can you guess what I did today? I went to the gym despite every fiber in my being telling me I couldn’t.

I had the support of my mom and sister. Find a gym buddy. Start small because all the machines and strong people can look intimidating. But they all started somewhere and now you can too.

Make a goal. Something that is not too small or too large. For me, I’m training for a 5K that’s in the beginning of May. It will be challenging yet doable.

Sometimes none of us knows what we’re doing, and that’s the beauty and challenges of life. Don’t quit after one try. Your journey is now starting its new chapter. Stay in the present moment, and keep going. I believe in you.

I didn’t know what to do
All it took were those three words
Right before our lips touched
And I was speechless
Ooh I was speechless

I closed my eyes and said it too
You smiled as we embraced
And we became one
I was the happiest girl alive

Next thing we know the sun went down
So we stared at the moon and howled
Then we laughed and had some kicks
Nothing with you is ever meaningless

As we lied in bed, I watched you sleep
Once again you took my breath
And I was speechless
Ooh you make me speechless