Little changes are adding up like the
Drip drop of water that pools in the bathroom sink
from a rusty metal tap not quite stoppered.

And I am glad it is opened.

I am glad to look up from the little pool of changes turned large
To flick my eyesight skywards and head on into the mirror that steams up with condensation as I breathe

and I'm me

I breathe, and I know I am alive.
I look in this mirror and just like all the water droplets I see all the changes

And they're in me.

The tap is gushing freely since the day I took control
I took residence in the drivers seat and found the courage to twist the metal between my fingers and let it be how it is to be

And I am healthy

I see lights in my eyes again
I see a shine in my hair
I see new length to it too
I see clothes chosen with flair

I see colour flood my skin and a smile that shows teeth
I see red painted lips and weight off my hips
I see confidence in my stance, upright and straight
I see peace and tranquility less smothered by hate

But most of all, and finally
I see what I have always wanted
I see, and I know that if I am not free
I am soon to be

(I see recovery.)

it is 2:16 AM.
I am not awake because I am emptying my veins or medicine cabinets or tear ducts,
I am awake simply because I have not yet drifted into gray unconsciousness.
I will not fall asleep tonight on a salt soaked pillow-case and I will not wince every time my wrist rubs against the comforter.
I will fall asleep quickly, because I remembered to take my medicine, and I will stay asleep and dream of beautiful church buildings with stained glass windows and nativity porcelain and rooftop crucifixes I will not dream about jumping off.
When the bells ring, I will wake up and my mom will call me in for breakfast.
I will not be nervous.
I will not clasp my hands behind my back to hide my forearms.
I will eat eggs and toast and sausage and I will lick the grease from my fingers and it will taste good. It will not taste like calories. Like regret.
I will put my pants on and when they get stuck around my thighs I will groan and throw them out. I will not modify my body to fit into them.
My eyes will be bright and my veins intact and my shirt will be short sleeved and that will be alright.
I will be alright.

Awe-inducing presence
Beguiling beauty
Calm after the storm
Delicate and divine
Effervescent being
Flames dancing in the sky
God-fearing
Heart unstained by impurity
Interstellar
Joy in the midst of misery
Kind, too kind for her sake
Lovely smile
Magnetic woman
Never says never
Oblivious to love
Pure white
Quick-wit and sharp
Rain during the drought
Starry, starry eyes
Thunderstorms
Unwavering love
Virtuoso
Wholehearted
Xenon, gold, and neon
Yuletide happiness
Zigzag feelings

an outpour of you,
Creativity, the bird
who lives inside me
and sometimes devours me
but sometimes leaves me helpless.

Our minds are intertwined
He speak mentally into my mind
The love I have for him is indescribable
He's a beautiful man
I touch his smooth face and his beautiful mole
His raps goes along with my paintings
He's meant to be my husband
I'm meant to be his wife
I fell in love with an artist