When you feel the heat
a cramped up feeling
trapped in your chest
you just want to fly
you just want to love someone
but that torn up feeling
the residue of a failed game
pours into you like a river
no fail no pain no love

A sharp chill seeping into my bones
Awakening the energy and power
That have laid dormant for decades
A sign that I am beginning to change
Becoming something different
Something better than this
A higher being of a kind
Of those that rest above the rest
On uncharted territory
Those placid silent doorways
Opening up to hidden dimensions
Parallel universes where all is perfect
My passion spills into rays of hope
Like the sun's warm glow
Reaching out to touch each of it's children
The tormented cries in my head not theirs
But my souls desire to return to it's home
Not the place etched in my ID card
But the motherland and source of all life
A place so sacred we had to leave behind
Hiding away it's immense strength and power
From the destruction mankind bring
Slung over their shoulders like an arrow
Their shields made of hatred and anger
The energy surges through me
Like a blazing forest fire
Melting away globues of fats
Layers of charred skin and flesh
The whole nauseating charade of disguise
I am becoming immortal

Just cause neither of us believed
In happy endings
Does not mean we don't deserve one

Just cause you grew up knowing pain
So much better than love
Does not mean you shouldn't learn

Just cause life has not been fair
Or easy on you
Does not mean you should give up

Or am I wrong

Should we just give up
Just cause we're hurt
Just cause we were once broken

Should we allow them
Those things that broke us
To shape us

Or does that crucify you

Onto the cross of pain and torment
Living within the rumors
Crafted only to destroy you

Can one leave their skeletons buried
Smile and truly believe it
Even while dying a little everyday

Careless thoughts flowing
Like wind scrambled leaves
Our touch of authenticity
All that's needed to change gifts
Snowbeds neatly flattened
Our stiffly programmed minds
Albeit all the talent
Nothing good would reside
Why accept all this chaos
There's always a chance to perfect life

A torn, blue dress,
Body of straw.
Stitches apart,
As they pick and claw.

Once beautiful,
Now all but gore.
Her prince led astray,
Broken Elder lore.

No faerie godmother,
But a trickster.
Smile broken and chapped,
No chance of a lover.

She missed the deadline,
As it struck ten.
Thought she had 'til twelve,
But her house morphed into a den.

Her eyes turned to buttons on their own,
Face contorted into a scowl.
She cried out as her heart turned to stone,
As the faerie took her soul.

We all had to pay the toll,
For no one heard her screams.
Wreaking havoc on us humans,
Deceiving our dreams.

Somedays we crave solitude,
Others we long for company...
We feel lonely,
abandoned.

We are alone in or minds,
Living through a hell of our own.
No one will understand,
No one can understand.

I see you today,
I miss you tomorrow.
Soon after I will love you,
And I will hate you...

We are not stalkers,
We just need assurance.
Someone to constantly remind us,
We are loved, We aren't forgotten...

Sometimes I shout above you,
I am not angry,
I just want to block out...
The battle in my mind.

This theory is one of no meaning
A senseless kind of excuse
Something further than this
Deeper than we can comprehend
An ache a vacancy in our head
Filling the space in this silence
Too loud too vast for us to escape
Mixed into this lust and fear
Our out of sync lives broken dreams
A masterpiece of our miscreations

There's always a war inside my head...
A war of confusion, sadness, anger...
Black. White. Love. Hate. Yes. No.
I never really know...

My heart beats at a pace I can't keep up with,
Somebody take me away from all of this.
I feel so alone, so empty, in so much pain...

Yet I am not alone,
The battle will never let me truly be alone.

you are,
a beautiful piece of art.
you are,
an unsolvable riddle.
you are,
a complex structure.
you are,
an empty vessel.
you are,
a strong girl.

But you are...
Mine.

Heart throbbing to the rhythm of the anthem
My breath short, hesitant
Legs that sway to the deep warm music
My lungs hurt with effort

Inhaling strongly I willed myself to sing
Feelings emerged, slowly swelling
My heart cracked open
Slipping the catch of emotions

The memories flooded back
Burning back of my eyes
A instinctive reaction I couldn't resist
Nails dig deep into the flesh

Thrill of sudden pain pulling together
Once again the tears are hidden
Stored away forever
To be left buried but never forgotten

They might hate me.

But I realized
Somethings they said,
It is true.

All my stories don't tally,
Nothing really adds up.

The lines have begin
Blurring themselves;
Burrowing themselves
Into one another.

I can't remember,
Can't seem to recall
What's false what's real.

I don't know why
Or what I'm trying to run from;
What deep dark things
Reside in my mind.

I do not understand,
Why do I have to feel this way
All the time.

I don't wanna live like this anymore
Constantly losing myself in fear
I am slowly becoming paranoid
That I'm losing someone else...

You set are me up for failure
You made me cry in bed;
Loved me with your anger
Torn my heart to shreds.

Hiding away my broken pieces
They fell for the lies I said;
As I learnt of comfort in syringes
And illegal prescription pads.

I became a complete stranger
A vile monstrous object;
Lost in this strange creature
My mind no longer intact.

You've hurt me way deeper
Than I've ever slept;
Still struggling to trust people
Losing count of secrets I kept.

I'll crawl under the covers
When alone and scared.
Now I've seen the monster
Living inside my head.

Don't think you'd ever understand
The pain beneath my skin,
The hurt that crawls up like guilt
The promises splinted like my soul.
All and all but empty words
I cussed my stupidity,
Hating me for who I was
The failure I made of myself.
Why do I **** up
Why so perfectly
Why anyone, why me.

I cherished our love
All through thick and thin
Through every single one of our quarrels
Yet you waved me away once
Then again and again and again
"*******" you screamed in my face
Before i even managed to forgive
The sting your slap left on my cheeks
As tears coursed down my face solemnly
But indifferently you just walked away
In that very instant my heart shattered
I felt broken into a million pieces
Like an unamendable piece of torn art work
These scars you left a memory of what we once were
Yet you don't see why i said so
Nor why not...

My very own words
I prayed & entreated
"Don't leave me, my love"

Yet again & again

I pointed blunt knives
At our chests
Leaving a trail of pain
In my wake

Like soldiers unrecovered
Rushing back in
Pushing both to our limits
Breaking our necks

Our battlefields forever alive
Restless as children
Drowning in compunction
An unending dirge

i was born into a world of grey words
and empty sentences
where everbody keeps looking for someone
who turns out to be Themselves... ...

I always want my pain to end,
Everything I feel,
How can I feel so strong.

Sometimes I fall from what I hold on to,
I let go and find no way to be strong.

Sometimes I am weak,
I tire of the fight inside me.
But outside,
No flaws or marks show,
On that mask of me.

painted for me
a picture you laughed at
a house on fire
forcing me to call it home

locked in there alone
i tried to scream
no sound came
for my breath was stolen

only now i realize
i'm not sorry anymore
you stopped me
from burning my wrist

only to do it yourself
a scorching stake
deep in my heart amplified
deep in my life

Hear the fallen and lonely,
Cry out...   ..

Will you fix me up?
Will you show me hope?

At the end of the day
you were helpless

Can you keep me close?
Can you love me?

You've been fighting
the memory,
all on your own

Nothing worsens,
nothing grows

I know how it feels
being by yourself in the rain
We all need someone to stay

We are carelessly thrown together creations ;
Living on the brink of extinction .

We are the very sign of detachment ;
No affection only self destruction .

To you this may spell
A single word
Betrayal
But the honest truth
Is that I'm just
Confused
Are dreams worthwhile
Or they're mere
Illusions
Is this a twisted game
Could this be the
Truth

Weeping tears of buried sorrows
You never saw me
Every touch of you a precious piece
Playing on my heart
An endless thread of love and misery
I'm walking on ice
Needles laced with cyanide and lead
Pierced in my skin
Crooked ways and silent entrapments
Cut me from within

the unformed will ,
not yet a voice ,
would fail in short .

exposed in evidence ,
yet it will be there still .

words uttered in a dream ,
in soft thudding on the ground ,
nothing but rhythm and speed .

my will , my very own.

the gathering of strength and gaining speed ,
the gentle breeze that would be eventually ,
breaking the heat turn into a wild storm .

hiding for days ,
ruined starved empty of all thoughts .
showered in fear denying ,
not acknowledging her screams .

deceiving me ,
the fact that i was at war with myself .

How do you tell people?
    How do you tell them that you’re exhausted  
          even though you slept for 12 hours?
    How do you tell them that you need a break  
     from talking and smiling and simply being?

The last chapter of a great story
Ripping off where
A final sigh, almost a gasp for air



At the end of the day --.

I've folded so slowly into myself.
Tucked emotions into creases,
crinkled corners stained from ink.

Fingertips tingle from the need.
Yet my hands won't gather intent,
my heart just beats,
and I'm here....but I'm not.

I used to bleed through ink,
Now I linger on the edge of verses.
My clockwork heart on the tip of it all.

I buried myself so deeply,
sealed envelopes with no postmark.
Destination void.

I'm not the same person anymore,
sunshine no longer warms me.
Letters go unsent,
remain unopened.

Day one again
Another begins,
Back to one
Another chance.

To choose.
to change.

So what's your choice?
What could be mine.

To choose to live or to stay;

This or that way, slipping...
Popping pills one
Knocking two down
Pretty sure just three

Where'd the rest gone !?
**** have you done, what !
The tyrants arise and smirk
Taking out their white coats

Pulling you further away
Towards the sirens
Taking you to the ultimatum
Another no more

You become their puppet
No life to live; air to breathe
You become no man
No person not an object

If you want to run, RUN
Away from the labels
Leave those tiny fractures
If you want to fly

Leave it all behind...

Why am I missing
When I am here.
Who is this person I see
Standing in my place

finding I often ask myself,
or whoever you are...
who am I..?? where am I..??
what have I become..??

Can someone answer me,
Answer he, she, this entity.
my only constant question...
where have I gone?

How did this happen to me..??
What's that you said?
Wait, you, me, who
I could be you if you are me.

when will this end..??
What's happening now..
Whoever up there,
is there anyone...

for what sins I've done,
all that is wrong of me;
will you forgive me
answer my plea and...

Please let me go.
Let me know

Things are getting messy...
He's upset
    I can't tell why
        He's losing sleep
            I start to question
Is it my fault
     I start feeling afraid
           Feeling so lost and alone
     What is happening
Why am I feeling this way
               When did he start to change
          Where did I go wrong
     What have I done
Why is this happening
          I                    feel
                     L O    s    T
        My mind is
                        FRa CtUR eD
bury me
buury me under
ten feet under the ground
SUFFOCATE ME
                                                         *let me die

No longer on the blade do I lean
Leaving the cigarettes to mar my skin...

The silence so strong
Weighing down my trust.
The believes in love
Waning by the second.

The once forgotten soul
Drowning in fear of rejection.
Too weathered hearts
Plotting its self destruction.

I do.
I do mean it,

I want this to stop.
I want to change it.

I don't want to be...
It's slave for life.

I have my dreams.
I have my hopes.

I don't want to be...
Burdened,

By this pain.

Forever.

Count your blessings,
Try your luck.

Don't wish for luck,
Work towards your goals.

Don't work too hard,
It's better to hit the road.

Don't hit rock bottom,
Search for advice.

Don't give up,
It's your choice.

Don't count your blessings,
I dare you to.

Love is the drug we take
Turning our lives into a disaster
Addictions are uncontrollable
They never make you happy
Forever
They never stay the same
Forever
Suffer the consequences
Of choices you make
Of mistakes you make

I miss those days
Eating;
without a Battle.

Without a Battle my parents.
Without a Number in mind.
Without a Battle with my body.
Without one with Myself.

It was fun,
and even easy,
maybe too easy.
I guess that's where it went wrong...

I say I still love you
Though I love you not

I wanted you to stay
Yet I hated every moment

I tried so hard to build beauty
Heeding all your flawed instructions

Trying too hard to be perfect
Not an inkling that I'm destroying it

Not seeing perfection
Even with it right in front of me

No amount of assurance was enough
To pull her out of the cage she built herself
For her it was too scary out there
With all the things
That took her down
She only felt safe with her own demons...

Caress my body,
as you whisper
Meaningless sweet nothings
into the recess of my
Lifeless lonely soul...

Smile into my eyes,
as you watch
My relentless tears won't dry
falling into the ether
Leaving me blind...

no one could've given a better explanation
the end, was the end, was all it was
i was lost with all my misplaced puzzles...
we have all but forgotten our senses
none left, none lived, no one came out
i was gone all with the other;
just like my mistaken words
those broken sentences.
Heartache wallowed in my shallow mind
where leaves failed to survived
and we all craved to dig our graves...

Our faces organized,
Folded envelopes.
Our new cool blue life,
Like all we've ever known.
Beneath the frozen grounds,
I bury wild memories.
Fires in an unmarked field,
Forgetting to mourn its loss.

Why am I missing,
When  I am here.

finding I often ask myself,
(or whoever this is...)
who am I..??
where have I gone..??
what have I become..??

Can someone answer me,
my only constant question...
how could this happen to me..??

when will this end..??

Whoever up there,
(if there is anyone...)

for what sins I've done,
all that is wrong of me;
will you forgive me
answer my plea and...

Please let me go.

It was never a conscious decision
Yet i walked into my own deceit
As though it was only a stroll
Regretting only after the mistake
Why do we ambush ourselves
Why do we fall for our lies
Why are we our very victims
Why is this riddle endless
When will we solve this quest
How can we cure the wounds
This very self inflicted agony

I'm losing sight of the time,
Of the difference in life and fiction.
Losing days at my prime,
Nowhere near my prediction.
Confusing what I think
With the things I've been.
I can no longer see the shore,
No lights, a thick current, no oar.
I'm being swept away
Floating along with the forgotten.
You can feed me with food,
Smother me with love and attention.
But you can never find a teardrop
That has been lost in the ocean.

Looking into your smokey eyes
Beneath your Fluffy coat;
There is a beautiful heart beating,
To the rhythm of my own
Stabilizing my lost and erratic one.

Sometimes I do wonder,
Did I give you a reason to love me;
Your gaze always fill with trust
As you looked to me for every answer,
It is not my choice to back down now.

Because when I chose you,
Picked you up amidst the litter
Looked you in the eye and saw love;
You were my hope
The savior to my sanity.

Even though you do not do much,
You might not even know my name,
But you do know my heart,
So I made you my world
My Everything.