I'm losing sight of the time,
Of the difference in life and fiction.
Losing days at my prime,
Nowhere near my prediction.
Confusing what I think
With the things I've been.
I can no longer see the shore,
No lights, a thick current, no oar.
I'm being swept away
Floating along with the forgotten.
You can feed me with food,
Smother me with love and attention.
But you can never find a teardrop
That has been lost in the ocean.

Sometimes I just give in...
Sometimes I just don't think...

I don't always get a chance,
My mind doesn't give me one.

It lives on its own...
A owner of its own.

I have no control.

It bounces around,
A playful puppy with no home...
A house on no gravity...
A planet without a star...

Heal me, **** me
Wield me like the sword
That has yet to cut open
My overflowing veins
Pulsating to the rhythm
Of my pain
Or the rain
Pouring down my face
Knocking on my windowsill
Begging to be let in

every choice is a unmendable mistake
every day is governed by fate
every soul is glass delicate
every smile is fake

inside our minds ourselves we fight
inside our dreams we take flight
inside our lives stories we write
inside our heart is fright

A brewing storm
The chemicals in my kitchen
Overflowing from the ***
Emotions cascading into each other
Lapping against my skull
Washing me out
Sweeping me under
An urgent heart beating
Tugging on this frayed reality
Tearing down the walls
A silent cry for help
I suffocate in my own skin

You set are me up for failure
You made me cry in bed.
You pushed my buttons further
Deep into my head

The cause of all this binges
Purging till I bled.
You've hurt me way deeper
Than I've ever slept.

Now I'd become a *****
Flawed broken and bad.
Like those broken hinges
We couldn't quite put back.

I'll crawl under the covers
When alone and scared.
Now I've seen the monster
Living inside my head.

I really dont know: will be the title of this post poem will last words epitaph farewell whatever I can't be bothered

Because: I really don't.
Well, for one how, when, why... Or why not
I'm just tired, really really tired..

I walked out into the rain
It was always me wasn't it
I blamed the same person
It always wrote my name
I was never meant to be
It was an accident was me
I long used up my tears
It was my weakness I cried
I lost because I'm lost
It was my fault I chose to stay

Feels like...
: Everything's falling apart
  : Piece by piece

  Feels like I'm constantly dying
   : Even when I'm too tired to try
    : But

    Till then
     : its more than enough time..




1997 . 03 . 19
~
2022 . 03 . 17

Where do I start...so many things...
My mind racing...
Drowning in my thoughts...
With all the things I want to say...

But I know, I wear this mask...
I wear this imaginary mask to give you hope and belief,
That I'm truly okay...
It may be invisible, this mask I wear,
But I can feel it in front of me...

My tears never fell
But I still felt it all
My smile didn't fade
But inside I drowned
My compose stood
But the chaos too
My love never left
But I just lost control

I blew smoke into your face,
You smiled laughing it off.
I didn't understand how you did it,
Neither did you for me.
Two individuals living it,
The life we both feared.
We looked so different,
You exhilarating but broken.
We looked so different,
Me cheerful but insecure.
We hide the parts we deem,
Are the most unbearable.
We show the parts we deem,
Are most socially accepted.
Two of us so different,
But truth to be are the same.

What really is the definition of insanity? Is it confusing dreams with reality? Or having imaginary friends when you are too old for them. Is it listening to your thoughts when engaging in a conversation with people? Or is it having different people replying for you. Am I sane or am I crazy ??

15:50     ****. I think I need help.

    .⃝  .⃝  .⃝  .⃝
.⨳ 14:40 ~ 4pm⨳ .⨳ .⨳ .
                 .⃝  .⃝  .⃝  .⃝    

16:01     We are in a stimulation

17:40      You cannot be here with me.

I sense you feral presence
Hidden in my very essence
The foreboding calm before
The storm in my every pore

My eyes are not wet
And yet I am weeping,
I sink with the weight
Of secrets I'm keeping.
I try to run, unable to move
I turn to flee, and find no door.
I close my eyes to obscure the sight,
And cover my ears to mask the roar.

Needle and thread
flesh and bone
Spit and sinew
heartbreak is home.
Your suture lines
they sparkle like diamonds
Bright stars to light
my confinement.

Life *****?
Why the question,
Facts never change.
Or do they.
You understand;
Yet you hide
Enduring the pain.
Know the truth,
No need to live in vain.
It’s your choice,
To make it better
All yours to rearrange.

Worry not my friend,
I am fine, It's not a lie;

I know I don't look great.

I might have been
A little bruised.

But it is all superficial.

Just a few scratches here
And some scars there.

Nothing that cannot heal.

The puddle of tears
My wane smile.

Oh, that's just the allergies.

The need of a feeling
The craving of peace

Silence.

A secret little world
Of your own creation,
Two silent doors
Clicking together
Locking you behind

A painful drop of red
Residue on your knife,
Ocean blue lines
Behind a too tight rope
Around your neck

In your head
The shrill cry of demons

Fooling around
Tearing down structures
That made up your world
Leaving you lost

Broken like the river
When you sunk beneath
In search of a little love
In search of a little peace

The only part of me that is brave,
Is when I stand and tell you,
“I'm okay... I'm fine.”

What do I get from that lie ?
That maybe one day,
I'll mean what I say.

You see, really,
I know.
I'll never be free.

Every single event of the day,
Touches me,
I feel the world against me.

I am always aware,
Yet I never know what will be next.
I worry all of the time,
What's around the corner,
What will be next.

No. Not now...
I can't be now.
Ivejuststtdtryin
Now this
Forreal...I'm not ready to quit
But I'm just too tired...

behind this elaborate facade
i am unravelling
ripping at the seams
crumbling down
like a house of cards
still none wakes up

I have to get up, go out...
Get out, no more hiding,
Go back to your pretense of a life.
you have homework,
That project and school...
I'm too tired.. I can't keep going,
Can't keep up with this charade...
I'm so scared, sad or afraid...
All this is so much... too much...
Yet not enough, never enough.
Medical appointment on Wednesday...
I don't wanna go... Don't wanna move,
I don't ever wanna leave this room...
Lock me in here... Away from the world,
Hide me, imprison me, I'll be safe...
I don't need food... No water...
Just me and my demons, my friends..
I'll just lie here waiting...
They will be back to take me,
When I'm ready.. When I've wasted away.
I'll be okay, no, better than okay...
I'll sleep and wait and it'll be okay...
Everything will be okay... If you just,
Let me sleep in here Forever...

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
What are we living for
If there is no love here
If nothing will remain
When the end approaches
If not for this moment
If not for this love
I would've given up this life

Sometimes we get so fixated on our own idea of happiness, we let it pass us by when it appears before us, in a different form.

Forms we never dared envision, nor ventured close, to even a mild understanding of its construct. As if they were alien figures.

Nirvana exists as a wavelength, where in perpetuity, it is attained and lost almost simultaneously

As if in the entirety of our fulfilment, loosely based of material, rendered intangible achievements redundant.

What we have perceived, an abstract chord high strung on perpetual perfectionism, wringing us dry.

Big things come and go, It is the little things that define us.

It is the little ones that outrun us.

Open your eyes, look pass those blinds;
Pass the black and white. What do you see?
Take a step up, out into the clearing;
Follow the sunlight, dance with the wind.
Rest your weary heart and take a timeout

Let in some light, Give yourself a chance;
To believe to see something, in the rolling waves
Does it matter if God looks down at me
Let us be free, put your secrets in the open;
If there was God, maybe he’d set us free

I thought coming here would magically change me
I always get it wrong
Sometimes what hurts isn't something you can remove
Sometimes I regret
Realizing nothing would ever change what's inside me
Reality got my tongue
We are fallen trees caught in a tornado wreaking havoc
We just want normalcy
Everyday becomes a living nightmare laced with pain
Every breathe a fight
Will I be locked up in this emotional turmoil eternally
Will I ever be free

Rather a young life
Tragically cut short
Then to grow old
As everyone's burden

You seemed so distant,
I was so scared.
You have no idea,
What's in my past.
The scars I've collected,
Pain ingrained in me.
I try to break free,
To recreate this piece.
But it's not possible,
Just like fate.
So i just hurt and fear,
Yet again that you'll leave.

You said to let go,
though you were the one.
I saw through your words
what i saw was no.
You just let pain run;
running through our lives.
why do people always lie
blinding each of us with ice...

I loved you with every breath
A time I didn't know fear
My existence ached for your touch
While holes burnt in my heart

Your sad eyes told the story
A truth I didn't want to hear
My believe for us to be perfect
Was the only mistake

Clean and free of impurity
The sole goal overriding
A devil disguised as an angel
The reason I smile and laugh
Lies with no real reason
Trying too hard to conceal
The pieces of me that's left
Parts of myself died with time
The weary numbers that fall
Off the body of my weary soul
Buried under my skin

I loved memories,
They all seem
So close yet so far.
An other worldly
Excruciating pain,
That’s still oddly sweet.
I hate those memories,
Because now
They rip open wounds.
They make the tears
Surface and flow
Hitting too close to home.

Sometimes you just wake up and don't wanna do anything. All your goals suddenly turn to dust and seem like miserable excuses to live. You just want to lie there and waste away. In your head you're screaming and screaming even though on the outside you're laughing too much, too hyper too friendly. No one see's through the facade, no one can see the pain you're in and you cannot let them know... Because you don't know how to explain. That you didn't think too much, they didn't do anything wrong, no one did anything awful to you..  But you're just hurting...

too much has passed
too many regrets and memories
but there were those times
you made it all worth it
you made my whole life
a new dimension

I've wandered,
The streets.

In my own,
Bubble
I've walked till
I'm spent

I've scaled,
Mountians
None believed,
Nor saw

I smile and lie,
They think
It's all true,
This show

I want to go,
Back home
And stay there,
Alone

In a place,
Where isn't one.

Perhaps you would turn to hate me
Was it not better if you didn't remember
Perhaps that would've been for the best
It should've been that way all along

I'm not the brightest, an understatement
Some would say I'm dense and useless
I believe the words needed here are
Innately stupid disgusting & ignorant

You shouldn't have even acknowledged
This disgrace of a human
Beautiful and amazing person you are
confusing habits and routines

Dealing with my perpetual nuisance of an existence

I wasn't daring you or trying to
I just wanted you to know you are free
You didn't have to stay but you wanted to

Waste; the needless and excessive usage or consumption of a source or object.

In order to harbour the possibility of being wasted,
It first has to have the ability to serve a purpose

I wish I could jump,
from a place so high-
I cannot count.
I wish I could jump,
From a place so lost-
Never to be found.

I wish I could fall,
At a speed so fast-
I will never decipher.
I wish I could fall,
Far from my past-
Never to remember.

I left my body screaming,
Every time I fall
In and out of love.
Fear never really stopping me
Repeating my mistakes,
Like a broken medley..

The last days of a bad summer camp,
Or counting down to the holidays.
Running from a predator,
Sprinting till your bones ached
and your muscles have almost torn;
Still, you keep going.

We all once knew that feeling
Anticipation, every child
Would've been familiar with
I was anxious, overzealous and
eager for it to end.
This life I mean.

I tried but never realized how hard normalcy could be.
Sitting among the others tourist or people one and all.
I pretend I’m fine and say hi but really I’m not even the least.
Meals are never just meals to me so as apply for the rest.
Trips with my family feel like torture but they are not wrong.
I put this mask on and blame others for hurting me.
Turning it all inwards I craft the scars on my limbs my story.
Every time I think things are gonna be different this time.
I am forever disappointed because I never change myself.
This impassible task is my mission in life to recreate.
To make things just a little better for me and everyone.

we always see her
but never beyond her mask
hiding all her feelings
know you won't even try to ask

lying all the time
this whole life is a charade
no one knows how broken
she is behind this strong facade

that permanent smile
makes us all believe she's fine
clueless that her pain
she masks in laughter drowns in wine

thinks she has it all
for they only see her best
not knowing how she tries
she's never good enough to rest

In the midst of word she was trying to say,
In the midst of her laughter and glee,
She had softly and suddenly vanished away ---
For the Snark was a Boojum, you see.

Our life
Is a dance
Spinning into Winter
Breaking into Summer
Running through Autumn
Rolling towards Spring
It is all about us
Our stories
How we choreograph
Our dance
Our life

I weaved my web
Around your existence
Loose threads
Ripping tidy fringes
My tired arms
Shaking the fragile net
All futile gestures
obscured perceptions

I don't know why I write
Or what I'd want to say
I can't decipher the feelings
My actions try to convey

I look towards the sky for answers
At night I silently pray
For love, for hope, for reassurances
For salvation...

I don't know what to write anymore
I don't where to begin or if the end is near
I'm not okay, but I can't say
Everyone is so proud of me for "growing up"
I can't do anything to make it better
That would be immature and childish
I'm 21 turning 22 next year
They say it's great that I've grown out of it
That phase I was going through
That "drowning in my misery"
"acting out to seek attention" phase
Oh, how I wish, how I pray
Let that be just a phase
But if only that was true
I would not have to feel this way now