Everything I wanted
Everything I required
Everything I craved
I now know I will never receive

No matter how much I beg
No matter how hard I try
No matter what I do
My wishes will never come true

My hope has died
I no longer feel the warmth of life
I only feel the cold embrace
Of death

My heart is going numb
My soul feels dead
My mind is on a path
Of complete self destruction

I call out for help
But to no avail
My calls are not heard
By the one who can fix me

My heart rate descends
My fear becoming reality
I’m all alone
With no one to help

I’m alone in these walls
Built for protection
But now all they provide
Is bitter solitude

My mind is caving inward
Threatening to implode
And all I can do
Is sit in my corner and cry

Huddled up tightly
With knees indenting my chest
Tears run down
Staining my skin

Makeup is a mess
I look upward in hopes
Of seeing you care
But alas I’m in solitude

You are no where to be found
And all I can do
Is fight my own mind
To not relapse again

For if I relapse
It will be the final time
No more across the bridge
No more shallow cuts

My life will be forfeit
Just like my heart
Which now rots
Deep inside my chest

Although it still beats
All it feels is pain
So intense it is breaking
Over and over again

Not a day goes by
Where it stops
My heart beats loudly
Hoping for you to come back

But you aren’t coming back
My heart is calling
For something that’s no longer there
And that hurts a hundred times worse

No longer can I keep bearing this pain
No longer can I keep waiting for the impossible
No longer can I destroy myself
So instead I will sacrifice this love

I will use it as an eternal source
For your eternal happiness
I don’t need the ability
To love anymore

Because the only one
I will ever love
Is you
And only you

There are times in our lives
Where we wish we could turn back time
We feel out of place
Like we’ve been replaced

Our mind run a muck
While our heart cries out
Begging for a new beginning
But we run and hide

Our minds shatter
We are running out of time
Holding onto the bits that remain
We cry

We beg for renewal
Stammering for approval
Clinging to the hope
We try

Holding fast to the love
That we once knew about
We cling to the hope so tight
We fly

Soaring high in the sky
Searching for approval
Running from the looks
Of denial

Run around the desire
Chasing approval
Holding onto the hope
We cry

Wishing we could turn back time
We beg for approval
We run around in circles
Until we die

We buy a one way ticket
Praying we find the answers
Running from denial
We fly

Chasing approval
Seeking the love
We once knew
We cry

Running in circles
Chasing approval
Hoping we can find
A place to thrive

Running round
And around
And around
We cry

Wishing we could turn back time
Just for one more chance
Just one to get it right
Before we die

We beg for renewal
Stammering for approval
Clinging to the hope
We try

Holding fast to the love
That we once knew about
We cling to the hope so tight
We fly

Soaring high in the sky
Searching for approval
Running from the looks
Of denial

Run around the desire
Chasing approval
Holding onto the hope
We cry

Wishing we could turn back time
We beg for approval
We run around in circles
Until we die

We buy a one way ticket
Praying we find the answers
Running from denial
We fly

Chasing approval
Hoping we can find
A place to thrive
We try

Our minds shatter
We are running out of time
Holding onto the bit that remain
We cry

These last few days
Have been filled with loneliness
Feeling the solitude
Of numb emotions

My heart stops feeling
My soul has gone cold
My body numb
My mind blank

I lost myself
Losing all reflection
And yet
My dreams turn dark

Night terrors attack
Spreading fear and sorrow
I cry in my sleep
And wake in a sweat

I'm terrified to sleep
I lie in bed
Staring at the ceiling
While my cats sleep by my side

I take my meds
That are suppose to stop
The night terrors from coming
But they don't work correctly

They still come
I just don't remember
I feel the fear
But I don't know why

The loneliness is killing me
The fear of sleeping alone
In this big bed
With nothing but my cats

I hold my pillows tightly to my chest
In hopes that it will shield me
From the evil that lurks
Inside my mind

But alas the only thing
That sets my mind at peace
Is the feeling I get
When I sleep next to someone I trust

You call me childish
You call me selfish
You call me all these things
Just because I relapse and hurt myself

Don’t you see that I am sick
Don’t you get that I need help
Not criticism from my love
I need understanding

These thoughts that keep racing
Thoughts that everyone
Would be better off
If I was no longer around

Thoughts of self hate
Thoughts of suicide
Thoughts that bring so much pain
That it’s hard to breathe

I need help
So badly
Before I end up
Doing something permanent

That is something
I don’t wish to do
I want so badly
To feel better

But every time you leave
Every time you berate me
I feel so much worse
Than I already did

It makes me feel
Like you hate me
That you despise my existence
That I should no longer exist

And that brings me even more pain
So much suffering it is unbearable
I cry myself to sleep every night
Hoping things will change for the better

But they always seem to get worse
They say it gets better with time
But I’ve been fighting this sickness
For so many years now

The only solace I had
Was in the love that you showed me
But now that that is gone
I have nothing left

The thoughts have been
Getting louder and louder
Threatening to snap my mind
Making it harder to see the good

I ask you this one thing
Do you actually hate me
Or do you just not understand
That I’m fighting with my own mind

Fighting these negative thoughts
Fighting to breathe
Fighting to love
Fighting for just one more day

One more day of being alive
One more day of feigning happiness
Hoping it turns into true happiness
I am fighting everyday


It is an ongoing battle
One that is a struggle
Cause this is one battle
That lasts a lifetime

Thou pain is thine to burden
Thou love is thine to shelter
Be it not of obligation
But out of respect for another

Thy heart and soul
Intertwined with thou
Thy hope is nigh
For thy field is barren

Be that as it may
Thy soul still urns
For thou soft whisper
In thine ear

Be swift yet brutal
With thy piercing words
For thou hast lost
All of thy fear

List not my transgressions
But announce thine triumph
For if thou walketh the dark path
Thou will only hurt thineself

The flame of love
So contained while it's flourishing
But remove the barriers of love
And the flame turns on you

It sets you ablaze
As the flame turns dark
Causing unbearable pain
As you wish for it to end

You try so hard
To put up a wall
Around this new flame
But to no avail

It burns so hot
You feel like you could melt
Your chest clenched tightly
As every beat pounds

Holding tightly
You ask yourself
What did I do
To deserve this pain

But you hear no response
No whisper to let you know
That the flame that's inside
Is the flame of sorrow

It burns so vibrant
It threatens to burn
Right out of your chest
Leaving you hollow inside

But nothing can help
Only time will tame it
For when this flame burns
All hope feels lost

You beg and plead
For it to stop
But the best you can do
Is calm the sorrow

Do other things
Hang out with friends who care
For they will help you heal
Over this time of torture

Forget about the past
Cause you can't change it
Things happen that's out of our control
And it's okay to feel hurt

But just remember
That burning inside
The flame that seems to never die
Will slowly fade away in time

Death be swift in consuming this angel
For the pain is too great for it to bear
The pure being of love and joy
Now rotting with sorrow and misery

Fear taking hold of the angels mind
Causing delusions of demons’ cry
Running around in a circle
Trying to hide from the pain

Anguish takes hold in the angels heart
Causing burning and stabbing within the chest
He clenches tightly to hold it back
Till finally it bursts with full impact

Tears run down this once perfect face
Tears like acid burning the flesh
Looking up at the one who caused it
The angel whispers I love you still

Though the angel is in great pain
All the angel knows is how to love
He was not taught how to hate
But to love with his whole being