BMG - Hello Poetry

BMG Jun 2018

I didn't stop missing you.
I didn't wake up one day
and decide everything
was going to be okay.

I didn't just decide
to not love you.
I just decided
to let go of you.

I stopped making excuses
Stopped making them for you.
I stopped convincing myself
I was right in holding on.

I was so sure
No one could tell me different
I really thought I knew our fate.
I was wrong.

I put my faith
where it should of been all along.
I let go of your words
and trusted my own.

I asked the sky
to point me in the right direction.
When it answered me,
When I decided to finally listen.

This is what I heard.

We don't get to control
what is going to happen.
We don't control
what others are going to do.

However we aren’t
helpless
we do get to control what we do
about our own feelings.

I think I'll always wonder what we were.
What we could of been.
Yet, we aren't that.
We aren't anything at all.

That's the only point that matters now.
I lost myself
I was always there for you.
I lost myself in trying to find you.

Trying to fix us or
what I believed we would always be.
I lost myself
I spent my entire being saving you.

I failed at that
Saving who I thought you were
but I didn't fail the lesson.
I am still here

I didn't give up,
I gave in.
I gave in to what I didn't get to choose.
I gave in, and let myself fall.

On one hand
I didn't choose to love you,
On the other hand
I do get to choose to live my life
with or without you.

I choose me.
I choose my life.

#choose #choice #love #moveon #heart #life

BMG Jun 2018

Falling for a Liar

Falling for a liar
I keep asking myself why?
You said my wall was the problem
My wall built to the sky

You didn't realize
what you had done
Every time that you came by
You put my hand on the gun

Step by step I went
Just building that wall higher
Brick by brick it grew
Falling for liar

That's exactly what it'll do
itll make you feel so numb
Realizing nothing you said was true
How could I be so dumb

So high no one could see the top
Looking down from my sky scraper
I couldn't figure out how to stop
Walls and walls built with newspaper

Here I can see you from a far
I can predict who's trouble
Some say I'm too close to the stars
Far away from your dirt and rubble

Blinded by the light
Nowhere near the ground
All your pretty words
Couldn’t ******* back down

My shelter from the storm
Here I know what's true
Miles and miles from your lies
My clarity is nowhere near you.

#liar #rubble #trouble #walls #heart #love #break #soul

BMG Jun 2018

A Mortal Memory

I realized tonight
While I laid in what use to be our bed
I realized that your voice
has left my memory.

I can't hear it anymore
Not like I use to.
I can't remember it
I kept trying so desperately to remember

What did it sound like?
Any of it
when you laughed
or even cried.
What sleepy noises did you use to make?

I can still see your smile,
thank God I can still see it
I can see the crooked grin
but I can't hear you.

You're beginning to fade
I don't know how to stop it.
I don't know how to memorialize
every part of you.

You're drifting away
I thought I could hold on for eternity.
I thought for sure I’d keep every bit of you
Locked away in my memory
I was wrong.

You see we’re human
And humans forget
I'm so scared one day
I will wake up and
you'll just be gone.

You've been gone
4 years now
I don't want anymore
of you to leave me.

I will not,
I can not survive that.

I squeeze my eyes as tight as possible
Hoping that the memory
of your hand on my thigh
will come back

Hoping I can still feel the feeling
of you fingers laced with mine...
It's gone.
I can't remember how rough the felt.

I can't remember
the exact shade of green
your eyes held
I have lost the smell in the air of
when you first got out of the shower.

I still remember
it use to be my favorite moment
First thing in the morning
but now it's disappeared
with so many other things.

It’s losing you all over again
I don't know how to stop it,
stop you from becoming
a fictional time in my life.

You were real,
We were real.
You loved me.
You loved me so much
I know you did

There are people
People in my life now,
that have never heard your name.
That never knew us...

People that have only known me
Without you.
How is that possible?
Who even am I without you?
Just a casing of who I use to be?
A hollow person with nothing to give?
These people don't even know
They don't know me at all.

#memories #human #love #loss #forgotten #forever #heartache

BMG Jun 2018

Good Intentions

Walk away
What I should of done

Next time someone tells me
"You know I'll never hurt you."
That's exactly what I'll do
I’ll walk away

I know I should of braced myself
There was already so little of me left
Why did I believed you,
How could I give you a chance?

How could I have thought
it'd be different?
Your words would be truer?
Like the meaning behind them
Could be solid this time?

No one says that
Unless that's their plan
To hurt you, break you
Cut you down
or at least unless they know there is a chance...

A chance I should not have taken
Life and death
My life
My death
The battle of your good intentions

The fight to stay alive
You think that if you say
you won't hurt me this time
That when you do
it won't be so bad

Like we will remember
what you said
Remember you had good intentions
And we'll think
At least it wasn't on purpose

But it had to be
It always is
People don't get hurt unless someone chooses to conflict the pain

You chose
It doesn't come from no where
It doesn't just happen
People choose to hurt people

The people they said they loved
The person you said you loved

Never again
Not this time
Not next time
I will not survive

I'll save myself the ache
The bleeding pain
If I walk away now
I might get to keep the little pieces I have left
From your last good intentions.

#intentions #good #love #loss #survival #pieces #hurt

BMG Jun 2018

Puzzle Pieces

Puzzle pieces.
I found out today
My future will not consist
of the sound of little ones
running around.

I won't be awoken
to the sound
of a child in need
Due to a nightmare
or crawling into bed with me.

I won't ever get the chance
to feel something
I created
kick me from the inside.

I'll never know
what it's like
to grow a tiny person
from two people loving each other.

My partner will never
Hold my hand
while I bring our child
into the world to take their very first breaths.

I will never be pregnant.

I will never have a baby.

I'll never get to see
My eyes
Nose
Hair
on some smaller version of myself.

I won't get to laugh
at the way my child
smiles or frowns
like their father.

A failure at womanhood.
What our bodies are suppose
to be made to do,
I can not.

I can not give
my future husband
a child
to carry on his genes.

I can not conceive
if I do
I will not carry
my sweet baby to term.

"Infertile" they call it.
"Inferior" I say.

I guess this is what happens
When the puzzle pieces
Find there way
Together

This is why
I lost our child
it wasn't because of my age,
or because I didn't take care of myself.

My body simply failed me,
Failed you
failed our baby.

The reason that though
we never prevented it.
I only conceived that one time
I only got so close to happiness
Just the one time

This is why I lost you
This is why we broke

Neither of us even new it then.
I didn’t want to know
So scared of this reality
This is why I didn't get to keep you

This is why she does.

God knows all right?
He knew you were born to be a Father.
She gave you the sons
I would never of been able to give you.

She gives you miniature versions of yourself.
Little boys to run around
Little boys to look up to you
Little boys to call you daddy

The family I never could.
I am so glad you got this chance
Without question
I know you're incredible.

They are lucky
Your blood runs through their veins.
Being a parent was always in your future.
It just wasn't in mine.

Puzzle pieces right?
What happens
When you don’t like your own?

#puzzle #pieces #baby #love #broken #infertility #loss

BMG Jun 2018

Good Days

I missed you today,
I miss you most days
but today it’s different
Today it hurts more

Today wasn't a hard day.
Today I lived,
I worked
I smiled
I spent time with friends and family.

Today was a good day,
but I still missed you.
I somehow miss you more
On good days

I was always told
Sooner or later
We stopped missing someone
that ache just faded away
Over time

Once you have loved a person,
a person as I have loved you
I don’t believe, it ever leaves.
I think that type of love
Is the exception to the rule

Quite possibly
It resembles losing one to death.
You miss that person
You try to find solace in knowing
they are safe and sound somewhere.

But you see
When you lose someone
and they still exist
Your mind wonders

That ache doesn't go
You can never know how they are.
You want to to be there safe place,
the person they run to
but you aren't that anymore

You are no one,
they don't even think about you,
They don’t crave you
And still you can't seem to stop
Stop caring about them.

#days #miss #love #loss #heart

BMG Jun 2018

Ironic

It's ironic in away
The way you don't care at all
The way I care so entirely much
Yeah it’s ironic you see

In the beginning
You begged me
Pleaded with me
“Give us a chance
I will love you forever”
Yeah it’s ironic

See you left those words behind you
Your days went on
you made a life
So my days went on too
I made a life
Two separate lives
Worlds without each other

It’s ironic
You said
You couldn’t breathe without me
Now my lungs burn
I gasp for air in your absence

See the difference is
every single day,
even if only for one minute,
my life stops
I think about the irony

In the midst of everything around me,
in that minute
all I see is you.
All I feel is you
And what you left behind.
The emptiness your abandonment left.

It’s ironic because
Then I have to swallow it down
Bury the ache way down
So I can keep going
Just until you creep back up again

Yeah I find it ironic
I didn’t want anything
To do with you
And now my world revolves
Around surviving without you.

#ironic #fate #love #goodbye #lonely #minute #forever #heartache