Today
Today we would have celebrated
Today marked 13 years
Somehow though
We only had the first 9.

You're still just as important to me.
You're still in my heart.
I still think about you.
Every single day.
I still think about what you’d say
Silently asking for your advise
You talked me through everything

Loving someone can change
That love it can modify,
it can alter,
it can grow
It can break
but it never stops.

If there was away
To leave that love somewhere
Abandon it
Drive it as far away as possible,
I would have.

Loving a ghost,
a memory,
It can be crippling
the what ifs
They are devastating.

Caring for you was never easy
but I chose to do it,
I chose you over and over again.
Even when you stopped choosing me

I loved you so much.

I continue loving you
That choice I made
Will be for the rest of my life.
I can’t take it back

I will miss you every single day.
A part of me
destined to be lost
for the rest of time.

Im no longer full,
a shell of a person.
I gave you such a big piece of me,
throwing caution to the wind.
I gave and I gave and then
I gave some more.

You took and you took and then
you left.
Never looking back
Not even to see if I could stand on my own.
Not even a glance to see if I’d survived.
I did.
Didn’t I?

She makes comments
Comments like I never actually loved her.
She thinks it was a phase for me.
A teenage experiment.
Rebellion.
Like it didn’t happen to the both of us.

She acts as if she didn’t break my heart.
She thinks I didn’t feel
every single moment
without her.

She was my first love.
The first person I gave everything too
The first human I wanted forever with
I thought she wanted the same

She didn’t
She wanted it all, so many others
More than just me
She believed sharing was in fact caring

Leaving her was unbearable
She had broken me down so far
I had no choice but to leave
She gave me no other option

Then I met him.

He held me as I cried for her
Listened to my heart ache for her
He healed a part of me
Trusted me
He needed me
He loved me

But still I loved her
That is what I believed
I believed I couldn’t love again
I was wrong

She doesn’t even realize loving her
Cost me the greatest love of my life.
He was the best thing I never knew I had
Because I loved her
I lost him.

Each other's safe place.
Chained together
One soul that dwells in two bodies.
That's what we use to say.
Destined to find each other over and over never knowing why God or whatever higher being is up there
Why they put us in each other's paths.

Lessons learned
Messing up was something I was used to
Sometimes to find yourself
You have to lose you

You would tell me to roll with the punches
You'd say we can't change fate
We accept it.
We adapt to it.
We conquer it
Cannot change what the world throws at us.

I use to believe our love had purpose,
Over coming everything.
The worst people for each other in the best possible way
Always putting the other above anything else.
Pedestal.
That's what you put me on.

The only love I new that pure.
Then maybe, maybe I just made you up
A figment of my imagination
I created in my head what I needed so badly
Because there was no way
No way someone that actually felt our love could walk away from it
But you did
You ran
You were real
And you ran

I can still feel the heat your finger tips could create against my skin
When my insides burned and threatened to explode out of me, the thin frail skin that covered my body failing to contain my agony, my self hate.

I couldn't see what you once saw in me
Not with you gone.
You weren't there, not anymore.
Not here sewing up my wounds,
lightly tracing my scars with your fingers reassuring me they would not give way again.

I was worthy of something
Love, your love.
Not anymore
You promised me.
You swore eternity to me.
Placing my mind, heart and soul into you.
Like a story I heard but didn’t actually live.

Now all I can remember is the way you left.
The exact day you left.
I remember the air leaving me.
But my lungs did not give way.

I remember the day I realized you would not be coming back.
I could feel my legs shaking and my knees splintering from the weight you left behind.
I did not break.

The day I screamed out for you to hold my stitches together, knowing for sure my pieces could not stay whole for one more second.
I did not shatter.
I held strong.

My body twisting.
Small strips of my flesh slowly drifting down.
I began to change like the chameleon you taught me to be.

Roll with the punches
That's what you said right?
Roll
Roll
Roll

The day finally came that my heart recognized sadness
more than any other emotion.
Listening to my heart.
My eyes obeyed and closed to the brightness of the colors around me.
Darkening

Realizing it could never love again.
Shutting out all the light it once held in. Finally closing the door on any hope that I scratched, fingers bleeding to hold on to. Dissipated.

The numbness of what emptiness truly is, took over.
No longer sober
Each strand of my body breaking down.
I learned the lesson you so gracefully tried to teach me all those years ago.