I stare at the veins so prominent on my wrists –
think of the sea of blood rushing through my body with lots of twists.
The cold metal blade I am twirling in my hand
screams to be used to cut open and release the ocean of red – I don’t quite understand
why I want to bleed out and become a sinking ship or consent myself to die.
This desolation has me wrapped around its finger and the monster of destruction I must abide by.

The relapse has already begun

He doesn't know that and I hope that he won't.

He doesn't realise the aftermath of saying something like that to someone like me.

He doesn't know about the bottles and bottles of water to feel full,

He doesn't know about the counting of calories.

He doesn't know what goes on behind the bathroom stalls

He doesn't know the reason I have a toothbrush to purge and a different one for my teeth.

He doesn't know about the tracking of kilometers reached,

He doesn't know about the regret of takeout,

He just doesn't know how bad it is

going one step forward, two steps back
can't seem to get my life on track

two steps forward, four steps back
I can't find the answer I'm looking for

three steps forward, seven steps back
my mind can't relax

one step forward, three steps back
can't you tell this is a relapse?

"so once again
you're creating artwork on your skin,
crying yourself to sleep
& puking every thing you eat?

**welcome back, I've missed you."

I wish you would realize
what you can still become.
You are here because
the universe willed the atoms
to rearrange themselves
to become *you
and no one else.

You are a crashing orchestra,
a breath of fresh air.
You are decades upon decades upon decades
of destruction and reconstruction
rolled into a tiny voice
and a single choice.
You are much too complex
to be contained in a box.
*You are much too full
of love to share,
but you never keep any of it
for yourself.

I write this
Through watery eyes
and trembling hands.
Who are you?

Am... I a monster?
I don't remember doing anything...
Last night you confessed
You felt so happy and loved...
Till i went to sleep.
Awakening to y-you...

Only

That wasn't you...
You acted like... I hated you...
Saying I wanted you gone...and
Didn't care...

I began trembling in fear...
Scared and worried if you were okay
You said you were sorry... that you were just stupid so...
I asked you what was wrong... worried
For the way you were acting
You told me... it didn't matter...that I d-didn't care...
By n-now im shaking and crying... what did i do?
I asked you again... why you were saying these things...
You...yelled...told me you didnt know and to get off your case...
I apologized... I was in the wrong... I guess...
Sunken into myself i jusy shook and trembled quietly...
Till you told me to...stop and be happy...
Be nice to you... and when i again questioned what you w-were saying... that was wrong... it w-was just me not caring again...
I put on a smile and wished you a good day in the hopes thats what you wanted anf that it'd make you happier... cept...
It wasn't the case... you called me out...
So I told you I wasnt happy... but afraid and confused...
Sorry for ruining your day i guess...

I dont know what just h-happened or w-who that was... but it happened three times... you'd apologize and then something would happen...

Is it...me?