Mental tirades play out
Behind dilated pupils
And blank expressions..
I say hello and how's the latest you been up to?
But I'm pounding my fists on your chest
wondering If it'll ever be less true..
That you don't think I'm worth a second
Fine, I think I finally get it
this turmoil is nothing more than a stipend I'm owed
I always decide ; I'm over it
Then you walk in the door.

I guess people fall apart
When they hold on too tight...
We forget to keep ourselves together...

Thoughts never made it to my hands
Should have never taken the chance
Now I'm on a one way road
Can't stop to shed the load
And looking back, it all seems to shrink
Yet I'm stuck, somewhere in between..

Almost is my favourite place to be
Between a rock and a warm place
Won't let them all know me
It's called defensible space
Except for one, if only he could hold me..

But distance isn't measured
in meters with you
And time, well seconds and hours never suited you
your name's a spell I utter quite often
One more day, keep my doors open..

Have you ever looked at a person
And known that's who you'd love
And never hold back?
When I saw you I knew
Time was a useless construct...
And right now,
Almost is my favourite place to be..

how can i breathe?
i sit at the kitchen table
but i still see the blood from a month ago
where you were shot with your own gun..
how is death do casual?
"papa used to..."
every day is another day
i don't get to see you
i dont go out into the rain anymore
i remember that phone call
an "accident" they called it
and i walked a mile in a storm
never to see you again.

a moment away from today,
the broken memory seems only
mere breaths since yesterday..
versions swim in my head
like images in broken glass
and I've taken on a fade
since yesterday passed..
I fall through you like sand
leaving traces that can't be made whole..
I rearrange the glass
I don't meet up at the seams
the image is still shattered
and the sand is still clinging
to the memory of you
that is falling through my head
like yesterday
in this moment
Before today

Doesn't seem to matter
Where this road leads
And we believe in angels
But With shadows we plead
To flip the switch
Turn off the guilt
Our feet smell of beer
And our hair of cigarettes
They don't judge us
But we judge ourselves
For treading the beaten path
And even the sky fills with ash
Blocking out the angels
They all thought we were
Somewhere in there
I still yearn for purity

Touches her, touches him
Hold hands, I can hear me scream
Take away what was mine
Trouble seems to be on time
between light and darkness
I stretch like a shadow
Hoping it will hurt less
When I find he's hollow
Possibilities turn to insecurities
Beating hearts go wild
As words become oathes
And fierce fires burn mild

I hold onto a green bottle
Warm it with my life blood
my hands get numb in the exchange
And my pale blues go white
Underneath a neon lamp..
Suddenly
Noise is quiet outside me
silence into my bones seeps
They seem to dance behind a veil
As though they were blind
And I one eyed
Drink doesn't drown
My gilled lungs
Vengeful adaptation...
Read words written..
Do you like
My name upon your tongue,
Upon your fingertips..

Thoughts creep up on me
Like thieves they whisper
Did it hurt you to break me?
Was it no before reasons were known?
How much time did I get
When you played it out in your mind?
Walking miles in stray shoes
Bitten tongues and humour
I'm the one
Behind the veil.

It's the things we want that destroy us
Creeping slowly out of the light
Dragging us with them
We morph and twist
Into shapes unlike us
Try to understand
What baits me so
Hold onto a slippery self
And frown upon
This consolation superiority..
Let the bad remind me to be good
Let these sinful hands fall upon
The loneliness deserved.
I am forgiven
But I punish myself..
My father always said
"Beware the beginnings,
They are the root of all evil."

trying to tell yourself
"I'm fine, I don't care"
But all the hurt festers
Turns a thing that once was pure
Into the fruit of a vine that grew sour
While you're in denial
The cat's away
And the mice will play
When the filter gets stripped
from your eyes
And you realise
You've been seeing color
where it's black and white..

Have you ever felt that?
When you intend to blink
But your eyes stay closed
Longer and longer
Walking blindly
In familiar halls
the walls seem
Much much closer
While your thoughts
Loom larger larger
Consuming
The air that you breathe
So you stay awake
Not to stir
The beast that sleeps
That plays on a loop
On eyelids shut
You crave distraction
Brief escapes
That keep you from falling
from scratching
The skin off your bones
The longer you blink
The longer you see

The surface of me is overwhelming
The light within couldn't make it
Cracks ran too deep and all too thin..

Did you hear of the war woo?
I heard it once,
it rang as though a foreign tongue..
God, the sound of it
Felt like heaven...

I am reluctance
Walking a thin line
Between cowardice and foresight..

See I fell off that cliff once
My body couldn't take another no
I still feel anchored to the ground
On which I stood the first time
I wasn't enough..

Tell me, have you heard of the war woo?
I fear words aren't enough for you..

Eyes inch to closing
I watch the grey road race by
Through lashes that imprison light
I put another brick atop this wall
And wonder if it's worth the fight
I couldn't take it If once more
all the good intentions just meant no

I call her the shadow dancer,
punished with hope..
She twirls with reflections,
and shadows on her broken feet..
She struggles to remain beautiful,
to perpetuate the stereotype..
She leaps, weightless into the heavy air,
pointed broken feet, hiding the pain..
Odessa, the swan in her lake,
flying, oblivious....

You seek to destroy
Everything that loves you..
Spreading the darkness within
Wont make it grow lighter..
I know you're broken
I know you're hurting
I cant be the one to fix you
I cant be the one to swim
In the depths of your mind
I cant be dragged down with you.
The truth is
I never really loved you.

I am fine with losing you

I feel I'm going to discover I'm a fool
You're telling me you're giving up
You say you're tired of waiting for me
I say it's like we're breaking up
You say I wouldn't know it..
I start to think you're too nice
should tell me how wretched I am
Instead you say:
"People always bend backwards for you"
I'm stuttering claiming it's not true..
You're leaving just as I started living
I want to tell you to stay but I know this is right, you leaving me is right...
I like to have my path disappear around the bend, for you and I, that was the end..
We said we'd climb a mountain together.
Travel the world in a Fibonacci sequence
Till we made it to space, the milky way..
You asked me once from what I was made, called me a rainmaker..
We made sense, I can't explain
Why you leaving seems right...
the storm Will always conjure your name

i catch myself sad
stopping mid sentence
wanting to shed a solitary tear
then i disappear
back inside my colorful shell
my empty laugh reverberates
and the walls grow closer
uncle claims i'm bipolar
somethings cant be unfelt
i cant be unbetrayed
so i talk too much
i say too little
i lie.
back inside my colorful shell,
the walls are crushing me..

Never felt like second place
Or third or fourth..
I was a non place,
Existing outside
The circles we draw..
I feel more like a concept
Than a real person..
It all seems
Like an elaborate
Multiple choice..
I'm a series of letters
Chosen with good intentions..

How do you leave
If you do not know the way back?
I painted scars
Where skin never broke..

You're too much in your own head
To love another human being
Except conceptually..

no justice in this love
Doesn't want me close
Wants me too close
Guilty for staying here
Guilty for staying there
Pulled apart and put together
Stretched too thin and crammed in a box
Pound on the sides, can't find my way out
Of this paper jail, of this thick air...
Wall around you I can't get through
Bricking me in, you're too close
Lying beside you, you're too far
Might as well flinch at my touch
My fault, loved you too much
Didn't love you enough.

The things I've done lately
I want to cut out my veins
And drain my offensive blood
cut my brain apart
Piece it just right
Make sure ghosts never became souls
And demons never wrote scripts..

I don't know who I am anymore
And all I can think is cut...
But my skin stays unstung
And my eyes remain dry..

Starting to think, he's the one to fix me
The only one who can..
He's the one pure thing I never had
I'm drowning in the tar
Accelerating heart beat
I reach up for air
I become a brick in the wall
I don't know how long
This dam is going to hold

Cut, cut...

Play the music louder
Drown out all thoughts
I'm not worthy
But I'm all I've got

Go back to the thing that broke me
Hold on to the words that haunt me

I wear the same clothes
I look the same
But all I can think

Cut.

Darkness grows old
Within these aching bones
And all I've touched
Has turned to dust
Words don't turn on lights
Like stones they sink
It's a stifling work of empty
And I write more of these
To skip and sink
To tell to the walls
And hear them upon my tongue
For therein lies a truth
Of which I must not speak
Hands that make
Are not hands that hold

I've been a cynic
Since time stopped ticking

Walk faster and faster
Hoping you can leave it behind
But it turns every corner with you.
squeeze your eyes shut, pull at your hair
It all stays firmly in existence..
burning me..
room too big, too empty
For wandering thoughts
It's a dark, creeping whisper
.....I've ruined it all.....
Grows louder and louder
until it's pounding
It's way out of my ribcage
The darkness will hold me
Against it's beating chest like a child
Til the Sun doesn't ignite misspoken words..
Or alter the meaning of truth spoken amidst lies..
Beat in time with me
I fear I've been falling through an empty tunnel..

Stuck in the same destructive cycle
Get lost in the shadows that define it
Heart beats a descriptive thud
Mind finds some comfort
In the familiar rejection.
Invisible hands press on my shoulders
Voices whisper in my ear:
Open your eyes girl
You were never good enough
That's why they always leave you
That's why they don't want you.
Every time I close my eyes
There's another thing I've failed at..
All the thoughts clutter down
Like tin cans falling through a chute
In need of distraction
I fall back into the rhythm
The cycle of destruction..
Trying to shut it all out
But rocking myself in the darkness
Only makes it grow louder
I'm not good enough
I'm a fraud
I'm a failure...
Don't let them get to know me
I'm a mess underneath the skin

This is why
I want to live under the stars
No walls no echoes
There's a place there
For people like me

Ask yourself
In every breath
In the silence between thoughts
In the whisper before the fear died
When your heart beat flutters
like the wings of a bird
before it takes flight
............................
Do you believe?

its going to be a long way
to find you again.
i know your hands more
than i know your face,
the house is louder
at the same time, emptier
the echoes seem louder.
i dont have it in me anymore
i cant see except for closed doors
where it is empty, it is full.
these echoes are louder than the present
i want to breathe nothing less, nothing else.
promise not to take away the pain,
much too soon. much too soon.
living seems odd now

The world was running
From its point of view
While I closed my eyes
To myself and focused
On all the people I could be
Why pick one person
When you can be everyone?
Except everyone becomes
The person that you are
And like the earth
You're spinning on an axis
Chasing your tail
Moving so fast
The stars aren't points
they blur into sharp lines
Just like photographs
Your shutter was open too long
And you we're double exposed..
Everyone shows on your no one

He says I'm the kind of girl
Everyone falls in love with..
He shakes his head,
Says not everyone.
Starts to think
Why he wouldnt...
Our friends talk
"We'd be good together"
But he sizes me up
And shows nothing at all.
"You should get together
Make everyone happy"
Looks at me,across the room
Says, "the pressure"
"You'd have the most beautiful kids"
Then he says " you're too weird"

When Is it going to happen
Is it ever going to
I'm falling apart wishing
For everything you..
Come on now
Am I that hard to love?
Stop that now
This hope that breeds
Eternal misery..
Just let me step
On this landmine
Let me detonate..
I'm falling apart
Couldn't you just pretend
That I was worth a shot?

I'm in a state of disrepair
Switched off all the lights
Stayed beneath these layers
Hoping days would turn into nights
And the count would cease..

Can't even stand to look at you
face won't hide what I'm going through
I'm mad at myself for being
Life was better when I wasn't feeling
Now it's all too much
And tears are always close enough to touch..

Can't blame
Blissful ignorance
Elizabeth bennet blindness
Tore a hole in me

And I'm left wishing
I'd never learned to use my heart
The trouble I've been through
I hope it's worth it

It's empty on the other side
There was you
then there was nothing..

Fictional nostalgia
Hearts that beat slower

Calm the swelling tide
I still look at you
Like you're everything

I'm playing with figments
Stopped thinking in "wills" and
Started in the "could haves"
Of Door number 1..

Smacking my lips for a taste
Of last night's alcohol,
"Just as well," I tell the ghost of you
"You wouldn't like being here like this"
"Then why can you picture it so clearly?"
I hate them for not being you
Door number 2, it's a pity really..

I know you chose your path
And I remained at the fork
It's just sad to think
We won't get
To be here like this..

I'm playing with figments
Life doesn't fall like dominoes
Sometimes you flick a piece
And the rest remain still..

If you're ever looking
for someone who loves you
Come and find me..

I will ask no questions
I do not promise empathy
Only presence..
What you feel is uniquely your own
And I am witness..

I don't claim to understand you
I don't think there is such a thing
How can I know how time shifts around you?
How can I know how you carry a world inside you?
If you're ever looking for someone who loves you,
I hope you find me

In secret from afar
They'd all swear I'd differ
In everyway, everyday..
The ink stains all these thoughts
Like hope and it's all for naught
And the swirl of the eddy
That was your written name
Poisons what holds me steady
And I'm drunk on the fame
Of being an idea
Some day soon
I'd be all you hold dear
All in secret from afar
'Cause you're all that's fair
And I'm all that's forbidden..
I couldn't bear to have you beaten
By the lies of my tongue
And my fickle heart..

Have you ever wanted to scream
At the world, tell it:
To go **** itself
But choke on the words as they tumble out
Because you went from happy
To talking to the air in seconds
And asking why the hell
You're so ****** up
And the mind gives you no answers
You have no reason to be but you are
So you switch of the lights
And the panel in your skull
Tells you how to feel
And how to think
It tells you you are okay
You believe it
The sun comes up
But you still feel ****** up

Well, this isn't a poem
but since you are poets
I figure you understand..
is it crazy to be constantly
thinking about someone
who probably never thinks of you that way..
and to close all doors just in case theirs opens..
I swear, I believe with all of me
That we were meant to be
is it crazy to think I love someone
not because of anything they've said or done but just because they exist..
I just want him to be everything..
does it matter what I want?
is it all in my head..
I think I'm making all of it up in my head..
but what if
What if it could be real?
one day, isn't so far away..

When feet get lost in the shadow
Running back and forth
Between indifference
And unhealthy attachments
Holding on just so
I can let go
Breaths come shallower
And sleep doesn't come easier
Find myself whispering poetry
To the deaf ears of the night
I find you in the quiet places
Where I am invisible..

You are a universe within a body
And I am caught in your gravity
Spinning, I've had a few too many
Almosts with you, in doses so small
I didn't know I was hooked
Being drawn in on the line
Pulled out of my atmosphere
The world was beautiful out there
But I couldn't breathe that air..

Didn't be, Couldn't see
Between maybes..
Think I lie when I say
I don't care..
But I've tried,line won't fray
Don't you dare
Judge my choices, I chose my vices
I've paid my prices..

I'm lonely but I'm free
Didn't sell out for packaged love..

Did you see something
Worth keeping?
A shell you pick up or a seed you plant?
Thoughts pattern your blue eyes
I think you're lonely in that crowd
When I see you, I think "I love you"
But what is it to love so easy?
The love I give to what is denied
Feels purer than that deserved
Yes, I say "love" for what is purer than sight?
If I say nothing else, I'll say "I see you"
You don't need to swim near the surface
You're scared of what you're looking for
I can help you come out the other side
But first you have to trust me..

Crazy maybe gypsy eyes tinted coffee
See much but do they say as such?
Can you read or can you feel?
Paper and ink don't seem to catch

Listen
.............
I see you

"If you love it, let it go"

The last thing I'd want
Is freedom from you
I've knocked on a dozen doors
With my unbound hands
Still I come back, begging ..
to drag your shackles by my feet..
different scenarios cause a phantom pain
Yet under blue skies, it all stays the same..

I changed and you lived
change was death,
oblivion was static..

Craving sustenance
the ones and zeroes
are all but fickle
Yet so easily forgotten.
Forgetting I held on
The blue strings
Woven in the air
Connected me and you
And I swore I would never
And I swore forever.
There you were,
Forgetting..

The important things
Have become arbitrary landmarks
I feel a detached distaste
A numbness when I cross my mind
I wanted to be  
beautiful, mysterious, adventurous
I wanted to be free...
The farther I look for myself
The more intricately I web myself in
The idea of a person..
have I become that person
What does that even mean?
When does reinvention
Become destruction?
Do you keep falling
Because you've grown attuned to the motion?
When do decisions become muscle memory?
I'm digging tunnels , digging pits
Lights fade out , I forget I need saving

dont need to understand why
been broken a thousand times
still dont cry for broken ties
or hope and ******* rainbows
refracting light and telling lies
you were fight, i was always flight

**** those words
**** these eyes these ears this heart
i'm a lunatic spelled on a moon
causing oceans to rise,
drag them back desolate
from the shore

cant write proper anymore
cant fill this hollow
it falls and falls
like things that are past
i threaten to breathe
this air feels like concrete..

you said to me
in that moment..
i was everything
that it didn't matter
what came after
i'd always be
in that moment..

My tears have silence and warmth
Whispering pain steeped in stealth
Craving chances that fell apart
I stumble on a heavy heart
Thoughts curl into fists
Banging on walls that are bone
Hearts are savage beasts
That can't be left well enough alone
Hanging on with sunken teeth,
I bleed a dead pain..
The guns are loaded
Neurons fire you into my brain
Images fall into realist hands
And gravity does the rest..

To know you is to feel you...
I am hollowed out
In the space you never seem to fit..
In the aftermath of doors shut
Silence and warmth flow in stealth
Images fired travel slow and heavy
Leaving stains..

I think he loves me
Maybe only a little
Maybe the way
I stopped loving him

I think he loves me
Like a moon
Shrouded in mist
Like the air
Before it rains

I feel guilt
For thinking
For knowing
For imagining
He loves me

I can no longer
Think him
Know him
Imagine him,
love him....

I think he loves me
I think he could have
If he wanted to..
Once upon a moon..
If he loves me
I think its too late

The words don't flow the same
The colours seem too tame
Lashing out like a whip,
Tongue doesn't know when to stop..
Last piece didn't fall into place..
Now I think I've been building
A castle in abstract air..
This cartoon ground crumbles
beneath my leather shorn feet
I fall upon this weathered earth
Disillusioned yet unblinded
Stuffing my ears with things
I've ripped apart
To keep from hearing the tick tock
Of this broken clock
Cranking the volume of this poem up
To Drown out the phrase "I'm lost"
But the words don't flow the same
This tongue hasn't learned
This new rhythm
And I sit in the dark sometimes
Counting the seconds
Until my heart learns it too..

I never understood why
When people let go
They let go completely.
But holding on
Is like cupping your hands
Trying to catch the light,
You only create
a darkness inside
And wind up
holding shadows instead..

Lately it seems to me
The world is moving in black and white
I've only seen you one way
And everyone is beautiful in half light
It's clear as can be
I'm alone in this..
I Try on hidden envy for a mask
Try to logic my way from holding on
But masks become cloaks
And everything stays on the inside
All my thoughts are of darkness
'cause I've been denied the light
Been living in heavy contrast
And I just wanted some grey
You've never loved me, that's okay..
I'll learn to walk my path someday
As soon as I earn some scars and such
stumbling over these volumes of poetry
I've been lost in finding grey
Pounding on walls I thought were doors,
No one on the other side
My echo never infected you..
I was always alone in this..
Eyes on your back as you walk away..
Been living in heavy contrast
You were my only hope
While I stumbled through
These volumes of poetry.

Taught that flowers were meant to be plucked
That they were just things to be looked at
How can I not die in a world like that?
For I myself was only a plant
Full of life yet devoid of it..
This is why I wont be silent

Try to keep a beautiful thing, and it dies..

I am a seed, unsatisfied
Always reaching with both hands
One for heaven, the other for darkness
To be uprooted or to be swallowed whole
Or to stay in the middle and avoid the fall
This is why I do not move

Pull on a chain long enough, the links come apart..

I'm drifting from my metaphors
Started writing without a direction
I see in my own words
All the pointless confusion
All the revelations
Of my inner most thoughts
Think to myself
This must make God sad..

Do you see, do you see the links coming apart?

surrounded by an energy
I can't quite understand
"No trespassers allowed"
don't think you know that..
Whatever it took..
Keep reading
this blank-paged book
I can't for the life of me
Figure out why
Them not you..
No cosmic sense
No cannons for those walls..
Perhaps I was all wrong
But you never were..

I love to look at you,
Trying to read those eyes
For signs of truth you bear alone

I think

You got lost trying to find meaning
I got lost trying to find "life"
You liked being lost..
And I, well....
I was lost.