Happiness. A 9-letter word. How does one begin to describe the emotion they’ve never really got to know, amongst other things like hurt, confusion and utter heartbreak?

It was by the smile lines on her face, the way her skin glowed and reflected sunbeams when she took the perfect photo of a beautiful landscape.

When she doesn’t have any recollection of her half-burnt, tear-stained journals that still had residue from her last overdose.

When she forgot about how she took a blade to her fragile skin to carve your name into them, and then weep about your leaving afterwards.

She writes about optimism and love again, because she is over everything that had ever ruined her life.

She takes her dog for walks in the park, and notices how every flap of a butterfly going through the air from one flower to another seemed to coincide with the beats of her heart, which beat more consistently and powerfully than ever before.

She notices all the little details she missed before, like how lines of dust moved whenever certain objects were misplaced, or the morning calls of the birds in her neighbor’s bird bath.

She is so much more euphoric than before, so don’t break her again.


(seastarred)

I want to runaway,
Far into the oceans.
Into the abyss of waters,
The unexplored depts of
Undiscovered species of fish
And devouring monsters.

I want to runaway,
Maybe to Africa in the forests.
Where wolves, dogs and dragons roam.
Make a tent out of straw and mud,
And all it my home.
Spend the rest of my life alone.

I want to runaway.
Maybe to the snow clad- region of
The Himalayan mountains,
Or to the frozen poles of the earth.
Stand to the highest peaks,
Without any clothes
So my limbs can freeze ,
Till they look like plastic manikins.

I want to run away,
Take up permanent residence on mars,
Or the moon,
Or maybe on the sun.
Far away from earth as possible,
Because If I stay here,
You'll just be a village away,
A city away...
A country away...
Maybe a continent and it wont be enough,
I'll still spend each night thinking of you.

I want to runaway.
Maybe to another galaxy,
Maybe here exists parallel universe
Where I can escape.
One where there are actually super heros
That wear spandex and capes.
One where happily ever after's are real,
And you know exactly how I feel.

I want to runaway.
Escape this reality to wear stars align.
I would bend and twist,
Or manipulating time.
Abuse any available strength I can find,
Just to get you out of my mind.

At the bar
in the gym
passing me in your car
holding hands
A quick kiss
watching bands
at the beach
watching a movie
At the store
in the park
you all seem to want more
on you porch
with you pets
holding hands
a game tied at two sets
I sit and watch
and see your quick glimpse
know I wont ever feel that again
I grab the bottle
take a sip
take a chug
you all are happy
I am not
I say good bye
and take one last shot.

I love him. I've loved him since the time he tied my left skate in March 2013. And it's a love that aches and hurts and explodes. But it's also a love that sings and twirls and laughs for no reason. It's a love that has you crying in the bathroom on a Saturday night but its also a love that has you dancing in the shower on a Monday morning. It's a love that's left me with cramped fingers, dry ink pens and full notebooks. It's a love makes me feel like a thunderstorm. It's a love that makes me feel like a sunset. He's not a home, he's a person. A wonderful one. And sometimes people say things like, "why would you forgive him," or, "why don't you just let go." And I smile. I used to get mad but out of all the types of love this is, it's also a love that's flexible. It's not a love that waits or chases but a loves that's there. It's a love that shares shoulders and stories. If I've learned anything about loving you it has been that if I cannot love you as a lover, I will love you as friend. I will love you messy handwriting, always asleep first, bad haircuts and all. Our love is flexible. Our love is patient. Our love is what happens when you rub your eyes. It's a love that bruises and bleeds and scabs and heals. It's a love that asks, "how was your day?" And would wait patiently forever for your reply. How was your day?

I find peace
I find solace
I find comfort
In the arms
Of a cold, icy night.
My face unfolding the crease
That it wears all day long
But cringing underneath
At the thought of sticks and stones
Ringing like a disturbing song.
I find love
In the whispers of the wind.
I find desire
In the darkness of the sky.
The eerie silence
It brings me hope.
I day dream
In the darkest hours
Right before dawn,
Because I know not
What deep sleep means anymore.
I see colours
I see red I see blue
I see black I see truth.
When the moon comes out
And stars, they flicker
Being surrounded by fallen angels
Sending out dreamy gazes
Giving me more might
Than the brightest summer day will ever.
Within myself I shout
I let out my unrest inside, alone.
I don't just love the night,
I connect with it.
I have no inhibitions
The night makes life worth living.

Tonight I walk alone in darkness 
where Demons tear at forbidden flesh
to carve my flaws into my skin

I am beauty, despised by my own reflection.
I am carnal joy, wrapped in bitter torment.
I am love everlasting, wrapped in deepest loathing.
I am all and nothing in turn.
Begrudgingly breathing, 
betrayed by the steady beat of my heart.

Tonight I walk alone in darkness.
It's weight leans steadily
against my unsteady nature
as my once dream filled soul
screams into the abyss.

I used to romanticize chases:
the sweet gestures,
the undeniable want to get something –
someone, anyone
the unconscious submission for love –
lust, want

I used to romanticize being chased:
something –
someone following my every breath
someone forcing himself for my love –
lust, want
someone who wouldn’t give me up

someone proving that I am neither wrong
nor right
someone giving me the privilege of wanting
tomorrow
someone constant, someone
just someone

I never thought that consistency
will soon become undone,
that the only constant thing in one’s life
will soon go back to ashes,
that willingness and love –
lust, want,
will soon disappear
like he did

I used to romanticize the chase:
the everyday with gifts and kisses,
the unconditional pain it will deal you,
the reassurance that you will never have.

I used to romanticize the chase,
but I never thought that
I'd be the one who
*chases.