Live as if you were a firecracker

Which burns out too soon
Makes such an impression
Worth it

But the gunpowder is what makes the explosion worthwhile

I wonder where I went wrong
My best days have all come and gone

If we were kids again
This time I'd love you right
I was so much happier then
Filled with warmth and light

You were the sunshine illuminating my sky
Permanent smile on my lips
Looking back it makes me cry
The way I watched your love eclipse

Loved you unconditionally
Which means that I still do
Although you no longer feel the same about me
Can't control how I feel about you

You and I were water and fire
Together we both made steam
But it wasn't just lustful passion or desire
It was everything I'd ever dreamed

Why do all good things have to end?
You were there by me through the worst
Not only my partner
Also my best friend
I tripped and fell for you headfirst

Shouldn't have let you slip away
Made sure my grip was tight
Done more to make you want to stay
Put up an even bigger fight

I tried my best to change your mind
Make you see that I'm the one
But I guess I was a step behind
Because you were already done

I won't beg for you like you did me
Instead gracefully let you go
If you love something you set it free
Though it kills me to do so

For your happiness is all I want
I yearn to hear your laughter
Even if that means viewing you flaunt
Your new happy ever after

You may not deserve it
But I am glad for you all the same
I understand why you chose to quit
We both are equally to blame

I long to scrub your name from my skull
Or to hate you for breaking my heart
But I can't shake the magnetic pull
Hypnotizing me from the start

You don't have to say a word
Know me all too well
All it takes is a touch
It's absurd
And I am put under a spell

I don't know why you do this
Waste my time with games and lies
Heal wounds you inflict with a kiss
Why bother to apologize?

Wear me out while leading me on
Too exhausted to stand
Then after completing a marathon
Without reason suddenly disband/
Don't even offer a helping hand

You just leave me heaving on the ground
Out of time and out of breath
Without looking back or turning around
Not caring about my life or death

You keep me on the back burner
Explain how that is fair
I may not be the fastest learner
But I'm not totally unaware

Yet despite your blatant neglect
I remained steadfast through the tears
When arguing showed each other disrespect
But we lasted many long years

You didn't take life too seriously
In contrast to my heavy heart
We balanced each other perfectly
Relationship a work of art

The joy was worth the suffering
I'd go through the same hell twice
To experience the ecstasy you bring
Willingly make any sacrifice

I am sure you no longer think about me
But your image never leaves my brain
Can't stop myself from acting crazy
Your absence drives me insane

There were many times of strife
But many more of peace
I have no purpose without you in my life
Helpless as I watch my self-worth decrease

I am torn into a million shreds
The future we planned for now shattered
As we sleep in separate beds
I scramble to catch the shards that scattered

Yet you somehow are still intact
I haven't witnessed one cut
Wonder if your composure is an act
Because I am anything but

Got holes all over my body
Invisible to the naked eye
Bleeding out hope and dignity
Just not enough to die

I hate the 'now' I am forced to inhabit
Because the present doesn't hold you
More ****** up than I dare to admit
Nobody has a clue

Most days I hang on by my fingernails
Barely getting through the sleepless nights
Don't pay attention to any details
Cannot tell black from white

Nothing makes sense without you here
Surroundings just colors and shapes
Living out my very worst fear
With nowhere to hide or escape

You are my sanctuary
The happy place I run to in distress
Now the closest I get is memory
But it suffices less and less

I trust that in time you will realize
What a huge mistake you are making
But if you come crawling back don't be surprised
If my love isn't there for the taking

I yearn for the seasons to ease the sorrow
Drenching my weary soul
And patiently wait for an easier tomorrow
To replace the bliss you stole

You threw away my affection
Without a second thought
As swiftly as you change direction
Our time together you've forgot

You'll be sorry when you feel regret
Because you always eventually do
But I'm done being your marionette
Manipulated by you

It will be the hardest habit to quit
I know I'll still love you for an eternity
No matter how much it saddens me to admit
I suppose we are not meant to be

My 26 years owed to you
Imagining what your body went through
The process of growing a fetus inside
Just the thought
It makes me terrified
I am grateful you sacrificed a lot for me
At times I made it less than easy
I apologize
Being spiteful and selfish
Unintendingly making life hard and hellish
I'm sure now you are getting tired
Patience and strength I have always admired
You try your best no matter what obstacles we face
Whether police or teaching the proper way my shoes to lace
I am sorry for hurting you
For making you sad
I hope when looking back at our time you picture the wonderful moments we've had
Not tears and heartache
The stress when I didn't call
My trivial trifling tantrums
Me hitting and kicking the wall
You have beautiful surface as well as a beautiful soul
Can tell the worry I've caused has taken a noticable toll
I hope I make you a little proud despite my many flaws and mistakes
Understanding that I have broken your heart is the reason my own aches
You are the world's most amazing mom
You really go the extra mile
Forgive me for this card is late but I hope it made you smile

You really broke heart this time
Feel worse
It goes through my brain
Betrayal playing on repeat
A constant source of pain

Like splinter underneath soft skin
Sliver of our shattered trust
Worked it's way too deep to see
Dig it out I must

Swearing you learned your lesson again
Words like pebbles in my shoe
"Sorry" returns with a vengeance
No matter what we say or do

For the doubt only you seem to benefit from
Anger gets us nowhere as well
Sick and tired of hitting brick walls
If you know a way to help please tell

Seconds tick down
I pause to reflect

Minutes stretch
The monotonous length of nothingness

Hours loom
Lonely
Inevitable

Days I cannot escape

Months feel like self-created prison

Hanging on by thread of sanity

Analyzing same problem a million different ways

I spend nights in bed wide awake
Thinking about each past foolish mistake

Some things in this world hard to explain
It's enough to drive a head insane
I've seen a lot
Impossible feats
Tricked by illusions
Convincing deceit
Sometimes mysteries are not visible in the light
First must be cloaked in the darkness of night

Give me the boot and I'll walk out the door
You won't have to see me anymore
I will run away as far as I can
To El Dorado or Wonderland
I'll leave the cruelty and unfairness behind
In search of peace that here couldn't find
I will rub a lamp and make a wish
And a genie will fix all of this
I'd give anything to make the pain go away
Despite my efforts it is here to stay
I don't want to fight with you despite what you think
But we go round and round like we're at a roller rink
When trouble comes knocking I panic and hide
And wait but the struggles never subside
I long for a sanctuary but instead get a cell
This house is a hell I've come to know all too well
Tears soak my pillow
I'm chilled to the bone
Even around family
I still feel alone
Nails pounded into skull
Another headache drags me down
Misery floods this spinning room
Afraid that I might drown
Broken beyond repair
Something's always wrong
It seems like everyone expects
Me to **** it up and be strong
That used to work but I am much weaker now
I want to make you proud of me but I don't know how
Stuck chasing my tail in circles while you hope
I will get better but we both know I won't
Viewing life in shades of red
Why can't it fade to black?
I don't have enough muscle to carry
Weight of the world upon my back
Singing sad songs systematically off key
Somehow forgotten what comes after Do Re Mi
In my heart sorrows move and make ripples all throughout
Waves form as memories kick and thrash about
Even if life relents a little and shows me some room to breathe
As soon as I relax I find myself between turmoils teeth
Poor judgement leads me to the worst destinations
Have only self to blame for present ruination
Eyes blinded by expectation and comparisons to the past
Eagerly jump to conclusions too fast
Too many failures tallied like marks
Then rubbed in my face with spiteful remarks
Arguments come and go without a moments notice
Sometimes feel as if I am under hypnosis
As if it is another host in my body residing where I stand
Answering some evil inaudible command
When all innocence has been hidden somewhere too dark to seek
I just continue to lose myself week after week
Have to wonder where the hell I went wrong
I used to laugh and it didn't feel wrong
Still wear a smile but it's as fake as fool's gold
My frozen hand is too cold now to hold
A few more goodbyes and I'll be swept away with the wind
Stagnant air coats my lungs as I breathe disappointment in
But I think I am ready to finally take off my mask
And tackle questions I always silently pray people won't ask
My poker face was never the best
It's about time I show my cards
Because I am exhausted from bluffing
I'm letting down my guard

I am sorry for being the way that I am
Wouldn't be with me if I were you
But the heart wants what it wants without giving a ****
If you agree with it's choice too

I am too broken to love
Shattered to my core
Haunted by the pieces
Of all I had before

I want to forget the past
So I can be birthed anew
And emerge a stronger person
Than the girl I was with you

Had a dainty personality
To match my petite figure
Fragile as flower petals
Too easy to disfigure

Built on the ruins of yesterday
A castle constructed from skin
Thank heavens it's outside appearance
Doesn't match the mayhem within

I inhabit a remote island
Stranded in the middle of my mind
Somewhere so deep in my conciousness
I am impossible to find

The center of my body
Has been drained of light and heat
So much warmth has been used up
I have no energy left to deplete

At my gates a warning is carved
Words wearily written in stone
"Caution ye who enter here
Cursed if not left alone"

Anything to stop curious eyes
From peeking where they may
Access always denied to outsiders
It's safer for everyone that way

The little sliver of hope I retain
Is threatened by storming skies
Any goodness still blooming decays
Faith wilts and silently dies

A tiny part of me is relieved
I now have no sadness to fear
I don't have to be afraid of agony
Because the pain is already here

It isn't fair to future suitors
To fail before getting a chance
But after one too many heartbreaks
I've completely sworn off romance

It is best to stay behind these walls
I keep my loyalty on an unreachable shelf
How can I be expected to care for another
When I can't take care of myself?

Below the surface I yearn for connection
For a touch that will allow me to feel
But vulnerability must remain hidden
So all weakness I continue to conceal

I think I have shed so many **** tears
My saltwater well has run dry
The silver lining of which is that woes
No longer have power to make me cry

Any time I sense attraction nearby
I flee far as fast as I can
Yet I can't seem to escape it's pursuit
Regardless of miles ran

I am exhausted from avoiding
Opportunities for adoration
But continue to do so at all costs
Cause all relationships have an expiration

I don't know who I am anymore
Missing too much of my soul
Lost portions of self as I went along
Now I can never be whole

Your effervescent eyes striking
A bowling ball hitting pins
Staring into I know
Must end this before it begins

You think want to be absorbed
My life and my routine
Trust me
If aware of what that entails
Wouldn't be so keen

And brushed dust right off my skin
Helped me once more stand
Am grateful you let me lean on your frame
Supported with a steady hand

But knew somehow I'd do you wrong
For me you are too good
Always those who give the most
That do not get treated how they should

So memorized the details
Stored safely in my head
Differences between history
And the limbo I found in your bed

As I lost my way I learned
All love will bring certain pain
So it is safer for both of us
To just steer clear of the rain

Happiness only lasts for so long
Until it's abruptly cut short
I'd rather decide to go seperate ways now
Then wait til we have belongings to sort

As I drift further from you
One cowardly inch at a time
My attraction steadily decreases
Yours proportionately climbs

I miss experiencing fireworks
Butterflies
Flame lit in the dark
Those sensations vanished when love did
Yet I am still holding out for that spark

If I was still your dream girl
Would we share a bed each night?
Arms wrapped around each other
After you turned out the light

I've been alone in your absence
Wondering how you get along
Not seeking Mr. Right
Because anyone else is wrong

Forgotten by the closest friend
I have ever had
Replaced by a beautiful face
And for that I truly am glad

I just wish I could find that myself
So I could be happy too
But no matter how hard others strive
I can't smile unless I'm with you

It may still be early
But I have already made the decision
Though I know it will hurt
To inform you of division

When my mind is made up it's final
My resolve won't waver or cave
I figured now is the time to come clean
Though that means being brave

My body is my hamartia
The fatal flaw I cannot remove
Resolve stands until your magic is worked
Then out of the way defenses move

Towards the sun my face is angled
Anything to avoid looking at
The confused expression you wear
And the damage under that

I take time to explain best as I can
Why you are not right for me
I'm sure you still don't understand
Why you must set me free

Across the lawn sun slowly rises
Tomorrow is a brand new day
No matter how bad you feel right now
Patience will take sadness away

Into the woods watch me retreat
Until my silhouette disappears
It will be easier saying goodbye now
Than to wait a few more years

Life has a sick sense of humor
Can't control my emotion
It's always the most toxic option
That arouses deep devotion

Down through the mess of sensations
One thing remains clear and true
Of all the directions inner compass is pulling
Not one of them points to you

I move real slow through this minefield
One misstep and I will be dead
Placing each foot with the utmost caution
Explosives where shoes tread

Up the rocky ***** I climb
Fumbling inch by inch
Hands utilizing grips available
Narrow handles hard to clinch

It makes more sense to let go
Can't hang on much longer
I could cradle you in my arms
If only I were stronger

I reach peak of adoration
Admitting it towers so tall
Yet when I gaze at the sights below
Simply think
"What a far ******* fall"

In solitude insanity
Stalks me like shadow
But that is not a good excuse
To lead you on I know

I stretch my words to please you
Cause I'm scared to disappoint
It's wrong of me to exaggerate
When there really is no point

And the energy connecting us
Will eventually disippate
In the future you will gaze back
And be thankful that we separate

In an even trade I'd give you my heart
And I'd get yours in return
But relationships are never equal
A harsh truth that you must learn

With all that you have done for me
It is hard to up and leave
But what else to do after realizing
I can't put forth same care I receive

And so I release you from my embrace
To fly away into the sky
Maybe I shouldn't have taken a chance
This is what happens when I try

Every person who gets too close
Gets cut by pieces broken
Whether by sharp behavior
Or musings left unspoken

I experience bliss in your presence
But remain consumed by emptiness
Probably destined to live alone forever
I don't deserve love or happiness

There is much about you to remember
Am terrified I might forget
To me appears you already have
Realization that makes me upset

Nothing to stop image from fading
From brain a bit more each day
Picture your face so clearly now
Know time will steal it away

Writing all our memories
The best way to ensure
In some way I'll preserve you forever
The perfect specimens we were

You do not care
Freeze precious snapshots
Because to you they did not matter
If love was a delicate vase
You would purposefully topple it simply to see shatter

Sit down to rest tired feet
Exhausted from leading around in laps
Do not know you're giving me the runaround
You set fire to all the maps

Hate is one emotion I am not capable of
For you

Though you are stormclouds dropping rain on my rundown brain until I am drenched and shivering
No downpour hard enough to drown the love filling my heart

(Only for you)