I don’t want to die bur I don’t want to live either

I hope I can fall asleep forever.

Im afraid of being alone,
that’s why I’m staying.
But why do I feel like it wouldn’t make a change
if I left.

What would change?
When now I’m already feeling lonely.
It would be the same
But different emptiness.

But maybe it wouldn’t last forever.

Why are you leaving me alone?
Don’t you know?
Don’t you know my thoughts are hurtful?

You used to be my safe place,
now I don’t even look there.

So where are you now.
Sleeping tight in your bed,
while I’m writing this.
Not a single thought going through your mind.
While I’m trying not to break.
While I’m thinking I won’t be able go wake up.
While I’m going through my memories.
While I’m hurting myself almost like you are.

You are not my home,
because my home is a chaos.
You are not in my head,
because you are not lost.
You don’t know my heart,
because you should only know happiness.
You are not beautiful like words,
because they cannot describe you.
You are not my everything,
because you are not mine,
you are just everything.

You know emptiness,
when only a strong pain can make you feel something.

When I look at you
I see a (im)perfect thing.
Always with(out) smile on your face.
Soul(less), full of emotions and will to feel.

Shininess of your hair, sparks in your eyes.
Young body trapped in even younger mind.
You want to see the world (from below).

You have so much to (not) live for.
(What are we waiting for, let´s run
into a field of eternal suns.
Where light shines slower
and words are not so strong.)

I was hoping that when I try my best
it will be good.
But I am trying my hardest
and it´s still bad.
Why would you laugh
when I cry.
Why would you be so careless
to see me leaving.
Why is breaking my heart
making your eyes light up.
Why is making me feel useless
the only way to entertain yourself.

I wouldn’t be with me either.

I wish you saw yourself as I see you.
I wish you could feel what I feel when I am with you.
You are mesmerizing.
In so many ways.
You are perfect.
There isn’t one thing I would change.
Because it’s you.
Everything what makes you You
Should never disappear.

...but why does it only feel right when it hurts.

I wonder when it happened.
When was the breakthrough.
When I started to feel nothing.

From what I can remember
I could feel happiness.
But I don’t remember how it felt.
Last months I don’t remember much.
I forget so easily, everything.

I believe it can appear again.
Somehow, one day.
The emptiness will start feeling less empty.
Less invisible.

When I was younger I barely had any bad thoughts.
If you don’t know things the reality can’t hit you.
But once you get to know them
They will haunt you.
Forever.

Like air going through your lungs.
You think you need it.
But in reality it’s just dust stopping you from breathing.
It doesn’t matter where you are.
Even where the air the clearest.
You will breath the dust.

Isn’t life too short to pretend you like it?

You would say life is how you make it,
but I dont agree.
Sometimes you can try your hardest
and still feel on a ground,
not able to get up, not able to see.

There are times,
when I dont see light.
Sometimes, just one sparkle would be enough.
Thats what makes me hold on.
Life is not always bad but often it is.

I guess what makes it good is the feeling.
Being important, being pretty, being active.
Being enough and still be you.

I remember times when I didnt think of
not being enough.
I was a kid who didnt have a reason to feel that way.
But as I was growing up,
all the things around me,
make me feel like giving up,
on everything I want to be.

I dont know, is it reversible?
I always try my hardest in everything I do.
I try to be the best student,
the best friend,
the best girlfriend.
But all I feel like is fail because
everytime I turn around,
some things just disappear.
Why they cannot just be good I ask.
Why?

I wonder if everyone ever felt like this or if it´s just me.
I wonder if they all saw flowers one day and felt nothing.

I´m thinking how is it to be happy.
Have I ever been so?
I don´t know how to remember feelings.
Is it just something you know when you feel it?

I wonder if there is a good end.
End that actually is a happy ending.
When you feel happy and nothing will change that because it´s supposed to be the happy ending.

I hope they are full of happiness.
Flowers in my garden even.
Although they can´t make me happy.
I hope their lives will truly be the best they could ever be.

I wish I could feel their smiles.
I imagined it like a Sun shining through clothes,
just slightly warm, touching your skin while you smile.
I always prefered dark,
althought I could not feel the touches,
I could see.

I don´t know how to start.
I felt it´s all gone.
Little did I know it was all just starting.

I wish there was a switch.
Switch that would make me numb.
So I wouldn´t have to feel what I feel now.

The switch would work how I wanted it to.
It would solve the problems in my head.
It would solve the problems in my soul.
It would be my friend.

My friend wouldn´t forget what I said.
My friend wouldn´t forget what I liked.
My friend wouldn´t forget what I wanted.

I wonder how it could be, to have a friend that would do all of this in one action.
One thing and everything would be suddenly alright.

I wonder if I would feel the light or if I would really be just gone.

They said: You don't look like someone who could be feeling miserable.

And they were miserably wrong.

I guess it's kind of hard
to pretend everything is fine
when you feel like
it's all mine.

Life should be your place,
love should have its space,
health is no other case.
But why I feel like, there is no other way?

You look through and see nothing,
but it all means something,
even rain of our love.

What if the world was full of good people.
Would it be different?
As we all are good at something,
would it mean anything?

The way they hurt you is also the way
they show love to someone else.
Can you judge them?
Why is it like that then.

Unlucky people who meet you at a time,
You show them how to climb,
Then they hit you, falling down,
Shouldn't it be other way around?

You are scared to show them now
Because you fell ******* the ground.
But it will never change.
Put down your guard.

You are scared to know,
They won't.
They won't be the only ones.
Because world is full of sons,
Who will be your low.

What if I told you that happiness is a lie,
That love you think you have is swimming by,
Letting you know
You will never know how.

Emptiness is what surround us,
Don't let it get to you,
Don't let it get to you.
And if so, never lose that „you“.
Don't let the loneliness get the worst of you too.

I wish I could just walk away,
From the lies and dreams I've had about you.
I've imagined you as an innocent pure clay,
Who had no clue, no clue.

It's hard to admit it's here again,
the unexpected rain through my vein,
But it's the very same
Just with a different name.

I wish I would be strong enough,
To stand up and be myself,
Stay away from when it's rough,
Enjoy the time when you are not around.

I thought it's not possible.
Not possible to find someone, who could handle me,
So on the edge and yet, still so shallow.
I might be someone who sees a meadow
From a shadow.

They think when it's not visible
It's allright.
Then why I feel like
It's getting worse, more like.
The more they do not see
Becomes painful just to be.