you haven't known me long enough to have the privilege of being rude to me
at least put a label on it before you get offended when I put down your demands for attention
like I owe you my time and affection
if there is anything I've learned over the past year and a half
it's that I don't owe anyone anything

so cool your jets *******
this *** isn't yours yet.

You
I told about
what happened this summer,
about my father,
and his wife.

You
whom I just met,
6 days ago.

You
the guy that
made me feel more comfortable
than my own bed
and pillows.

You
scare me to no end
and

you,
make me happier
than I have
in the last 2 years.

Like an old friend inviting you to come inside.
Familiar. Comforting.
It will grasp you in its arms and hold you close;
And when you're ready to leave, it wont let you go.
You will beg and plead to be happy,
and it will put up a fight.
It will make you think that the only way to escape it is to take your own life.
If you are lucky, you can break free;
and it will sit and watch you from afar.
Calling your name.
Welcoming you back into it's arms.
It will intrude your thoughts.
Make you think you are worthless.
That you're better off dead.
Just keep telling yourself that it's all in your head.
Keep moving. You will get far.
Depression is not who you are.

It arrives,
Unnoticed, unannounced.

Quiet,
At first.

Slow,
Seeping, dripping.

I put it down to a few stressful weeks.
I carry on.

It unpacks,
Worries, anxieties.

Gently,
For now,

Tiptoes,
Whispers, creaks.

‘It will leave soon’ I think ‘It always does.’
I keep going.

It settles in,
Getting comfortable.

Getting louder,
And louder.

Banging thoughts,
Insomnia.

‘Please don’t be happening again’.
I shuffle along my daily routine.

Claws in,
Insidious.

Screaming,
24/7.

Shame, worthlessness,
Hurt.

‘Please go away’.
I’m barely coping.

Growing roots,
Into my brain and heart.

Blossoming pain,
With every beat.

Emptiness, loneliness,
Abandonment.

Silence, Stillness,
‘I can’t move, I can’t cope.’

Ice cold hands, fire warm heart
oh my dear, I never thought we'd part
like this, oh ****, where did you go?
I thought we only just begun the show!

Knife fights and fist fights, the whole nine yards
the tent is hung and the choirs have sung
I fought so **** hard
up on a noose my emotionas are hung

Welcome to the Carnival!
where you come to **** your thoughts
and all this time I hoped to see
some amazing theatricality
yet you left, with my heart in your chest
I couldn't imagine it would end like this
I came with such a heart of gold
now empty space is all i have to hold
the tables have turned, can you see the burns?
the pieces of heart, left broken on the floor?
oh magic man, show me a trick
a distraction take me away
in this place, I cant stay
the claws on my skin and bones
I dont want this anymore
-n.s.

We are imperfect products
placed in the midst
of an imperfect society,
a vicious cycle of perseverance
and failure:
constructed,
broken,
fixed,
and fixed again.

Airbrushed and painted
to perfection:
pale skin
flushed cheeks
slim legs
and a smooth mindset.
Opinionated only
on the matter of
superficial products –
glamorizing and embellishing.

Deteriorating enamel –
cracks in a varnished frame.
A scratched surface,
damaged to the core,
polished and glazed over.
Skin made paler,
cheeks more flushed,
skin and bones,
and a mind wiped clean.

Unachievable expectations
and inevitable failure
are enough to b r e a k
even the toughest material

d
o
w
n.