All writing is pig-****
what do we do it for
are we trying to be recognized
like a two dollar *****

We think we are something special
appearing on radio shows from contests
but soon these words will have been forgotten
we are truly only Poetry’s house guests

In an age of the digital world
we think we shall live on
forgetting the true feel of writing
and on what this poetry is drawn

But our journals will waste away
words that mattered not
now smeared across the page
looking barely visible and squat

No matter what we do
we are no Dickinson or Poe
our words will never measure up
these words are pig-****, I know

The world seems different
it’s hard to explain
I got so used to
dancing in acid rain

But the rain has stopped
is that the sun?
There’s just no way
that I have won

The demons are hiding
I am no fool
so I’ll take this time
and refuel

For when they return
I’ll need all my strength
to overpower their
mighty wavelength

Look over me
I am not important
Like the unnecessary comma
or the hyphen you run through

I mean nothing to you

I am of no meaning
to the sentence at hand
Nor the poem that your reading
it doesn’t stand a chance

I don’t deserve to advance

I told you I am wasteful
you should’ve scrolled on by
This was such a misuse of your time
reading my cry for help that makes no sense

Now it’s back to being on defense

My counselor quit.
Such short notice.
Today was my last.
Personal stuff.
I understand.
I still hurt.
New guy's name,
is Anthony.
That's already
a hard one to swallow.
Abandoned again.
Have to start all over.

Twisting and churning
the thoughts in my head,
swirling faster now
I’m afraid I’ll end up dead.
Faster and faster
they keep spinning round,
like a giant twister
about to touch the ground.
Once it makes landfall
the havoc that it wrecks,
I can fee the pain
extend into my neck.
Racing thoughts are
chasing after me,
maybe one day
I can be free.

Another lonely day at home
head telling me no one cares
feeling so empty inside
sending out SOS flares

I could take this blade
and take it to my skin
escape, but short-lived
letting the monster win

A noose around my neck
would end all my worries
things my head tells me
to get done in a hurry

So I take out my trusty journal
writing another poem that’s sad
relief comes, at least a little
but anything now will make me glad

Hanging here I say goodbye
to all in life I’ve ruined
I tried so hard I promise you
I beckoned and I bargained

But life continued to be cruel
and everything I touched
crumbled and went away
now I’m within the Devil’s clutch

This is the only way out you see
I must put this misery to rest
please remember that
I tried my very best

So goodbye to friends
who were always there
I know you’ll think
this isn’t fair

Goodbye my partner
who’s been by my side
this isn’t your fault
I know you tried

Most of all my son
I love you so
Mommy’s so sorry
she had to go

The noose gets tighter
I’m running out of breath
goodbye cruel world
you pushed me to my death

Drifting off now
the world disappears
I’m no longer suffering
or stuck in my fears

Feeling weightless
or feeing nothing at all?
Drift away from my body
everything seems small

I don’t care
which gates I arrive
I’m just glad
I’m no longer alive

My brain tells me nonsense
like to put down my defense
with self-harm’s flawless seduction*
I can feel the reduction

The blade glides nice and smooth
going over every scars groove
then beads of ruby gems form
falling gently, they feel so warm

No bandage needed, watch it drip
more slices, my skin I’ll strip
with no defense to say stop
I’ll keep cutting until I drop

So tired of the pain
you left without a word.
Years since have past
holding on is absurd.

So tired of the sadness
from the hole left in my heart.
No parent left to hold me
since you tore us apart.

So tired of the tears
they just don't seem to come.
If I could cry it out
maybe the hurt would be done.

So tired of the loneliness
you've left inside my soul.
This heartache really seems
to be getting old.

I’m terrified of who I’ll be
if I just let go and set my feelings free
who am I without this hurt
will this be for nothing, all the effort I exert?

I’m so scared to be happy, never been here before
love was always hiding behind closed doors
now I push it away, trying to protect myself
remembering the little girl that’s sitting on my shelf

I’m afraid to try and move forward
thoughts of happiness are too absurd
find comfort in my familiar pain
tied down to it as if by a chain

I’m fearful that once I do let go
and just let all my feelings show
the good will leave and love’ll be lost
surely a line somewhere I’ve crossed

She’s gone to visit her home again
but it seems to become a wasteland
overgrown with weeds she feels she must leave
for at this sight she cannot stand

She was Crazy Mary a long time ago
with newspaper walls and a bulb hung low
always asking for a ride into town
but Mother never wanted to let her go

When she did pick her up her arms flung in the air
saying “Not Crazy Mary. She’s without a care.”
but what she didn’t know is we were saving her
from a father who’s hand was without a dare

Mary ran away one year from the troubles of this town
the old men sitting by the store, they just drowned
to a new world she would become Queen
and one day return wearing her shiny crown

But never did she expect what she has found here
like a lightning bolt had struck leaving its sear
so Mary just sat staring at her past
thinking that her end too must be near

I’m working so hard
to heal my wounds
but my heart feels
like it’s been stuck with a harpoon

I feel like I’m failing
at everything I try
every night I lay in bed
and think of ways to die

This can’t be normal
I want my sanity back
instead I take my world
and I paint it black

The darker the better
to match my cold heart
should’ve known I was *******
right from the start

No way can I heal
from the demons chasing me
they have their grip
never shall I be free

The problems keep piling
and PTSD won’t let me forget
all the guilt and shame
the trauma that I regret

Why can’t life just end
it’d be easier than suicide
then at least I could say
I put in effort, I really tried

Grandma's bows were over the top
so shiny and spectacular
she put them on every gift
it was special, it was her

Now Grandma's gone
and I miss those bows
sparkling underneath her tree
if we'll have Christmas, no one knows

I try to make them myself
I'm trying to preserve her memory
it's not the same without her here
did Grandpa even put up the tree?

With me I carry this weary load,
It seems as if to be a part of me now.
Weighing down, my shoulders slump,
Stress along my furrowed brow.

It eats away at me,  getting in my head.
Telling me how I'm better being erased.
Playing reels on repeat thhrough the night,
Wake up from fault being chased.

Try to let go but the grasp is strong,
For this load keeps maturing where I feel stuck.
I can feel it's weight but I'm lost without it,
Who am I but this sick ****?

To be free is to be anew,
And who am I to ask of such gifts?
Instead I take this blade of mine,
With each slice, weight temporarily lifts.

Time is your gun
and depression pulls the trigger
the demons you hide
they only get bigger

Anxiety shakes your hand
but it must be held steady
Bipolar never knows
when Time is ready

The demons keep growing
in the darkness that you keep
their only goal for Time
is to watch as you weep

Time is your gun
but you can do what's right
set the barrel down
demons can't survive in light

I could use some extra love today
you see it’s my mother’s birthday
and we do not get along
because of her monster that’s so strong

He likes to steal children’s innocence
throwing their life off balance
and then feed the world with his lies
this monster I truly do despise

But my mother she fell in love
away from me she did shove
choosing him over her own blood
leaving me kicking mud

So I chose to cut my mother off
at her toxicity I have scoffed
but boundaries can still hurt
when you’re the one left in the dirt

My world has turned bleak
my desolation you seek
even in my smile
you can see this lonely mile

You can hear it in my laugh
how it’s all on your behalf
my happiness is fake
for my sense of self you *****

When I’m playing with my son
I need a drink of bourbon
to keep my anger at bay
it doesn’t work dare I say

In times of depression I find relief
in my blade, but it’s a thief
stealing my days of sobriety
to your world this is the key

You have me trapped in your grip
with chains of regret you are equipped
reminding me of trauma from the past
making me think happiness shall never last

Darkness won’t you let me be
I just want light and to see
but if we shall become friends
then make it darker, make it end

Feeling good
Running around
Catch up on
What’s run into the ground.

So much to do
So far behind
Laundry, yard work
Constantly on the grind.

But fear comes
Banging on my door
Is this real,
Will I plummet to the floor?

Exhausted already
Pushing too hard?
Will I be ok,
Can I let down my guard?

Or is this already
The end of my rope?
I thought I’d healed
And could hold onto hope.

Life is funny
Playing tricks with my mind
I hope to survive
And not become—left behind.

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Send a letter of hate
My soul ends up dead

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Dreams of past events
And you in my bed

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Resonses unwanted
Escape is bled

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Sent a letter without hate
But all I see is red

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Pen to paper
Now it needs shred

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Now I must wait
48 hours I'll dread

Disaster in its gravest form
I wish only to be reborn
give me something to hold
I wish only to be bold

The world has turned dark and grey
someone please take these demons away
my mind is now a shattered mess
someone please take away this stress

I cannot feel anything but pain
I wish only to cry in the rain
I feel the world has cast me out
I wish only to be free from this drought

Someone save me before I leave
I’ve lost the will and way to grieve
now I’m spread out on my lawn
I’ve lost the will and way to go on

Goodbye ****** high
I’ve gotten rid of you
flushed down the toilet
now I’m feeling *******

There’s one left at the bottom
white pill just sitting there
and it’s laughing at me
with it’s mocking stare

I know why I did it
my reasons were just
keeping my sobriety
is a #1 must

So why am I sad
what’s this anger I feel
where can I go
to file my appeal?

Give another flush
the **** thing won’t go down
tried to rid myself of temptation
now I watch it drown

I don’t regret my actions
just wish they were all gone
is this life’s way
of telling me I was wrong?

I love you
you know this is true
nobody can stop me
from being with you

They can cast their ***** looks
or try to write their laws
but nothing will stop me
from loving all your flaws

Parades and special bars
just aren't enough
I still can see through
and call the world's bluff

But I won't let that matter
like they say, "love is love."
For you my dear lady
I will go far and above

Hate can't stop us
they'll never tear us apart
what we have is rare
and comes straight from the heart

I’m afraid my time is coming near
back to the hospital I’m sure to go
if I stay home I’ll surely disappear
and from these wrists the blood will flow

I hate the process about to come
I’ve been down this road too many times
first in the ER they’ll treat me like chum
as if being suicidal were some sort of crime

I’ll end up spending hours in there
going over my story time and time again
the doctors won’t even act like they care
then tell me I’m transferring, but not say when

Once I arrive on the hospital’s unit
there’s only more questions to be asked
making my life feel like it’s on audit
continuing to tell stories of my past

The next day I’ll get hackled by people I know
asking me why I’m back for the fourth time
they always seem to make me feel low
making my healing an uphill climb

I’ll spend days in there, maybe even weeks
the longest I’ve gone has been three
my son will come to visit, and he’ll weep
not knowing Mom almost went on a killing spree

I don’t want to go in to this place
I don’t want to deal with the hassle
the doctors, the people, it’s all a waste
but it’s my safe haven, my castle

For inside those walls I cannot cut
nor can I hang myself with a noose
there is no filth, no grime, no ****
and my pills are not laying around loose

As much as I dread the process
I do know what is right for me
maybe it’s time to confess
I need another trip to KBMC

This day has come
as it does every year
I can’t formulate the words
or even shed a tear

I’ve become immune to you
almost dead inside
too old to ask silly questions
of when you left us, why?

I do not send well wishes
I have no wish for you at all
funny how we’ve always had a way
of making each other feel small

Do you even remember a time
when I was fragile and small
you held the world in your hands
then you gave away it all

Do you realize how
you’ve torn our family apart
stuck your hand in its chest
and ripped out its heart

I doubt that you care
with the monster by your side
diving into his evil smile
even becoming his bride

Do you enjoy the taste
of sin on your lips
after a share of his kiss
during a midnight eclipse

Does the scent of his victims
linger on his shirts collar
making him more tempting
as my world grows smaller

For the more you choose
the demon over me
the more that I realize
we were never a family

So I have to build up my walls
and grow my heart dark
I can’t let you inside
you’ve already left your mark

The missing piece from my
shattered but patched up heart
forever a reminder that
mother and daughter are apart

Strolling through the trees
of this beautiful arboretum
I spot a dozen butterflies
and stop so I can meet them

They flutter around my head
one lands upon my nose
is this an Angel visiting
the answer no one knows

I receive soft kisses
as if a whisper from above
I can feel the tickle
most of all I feel the love

Then a breeze comes
through the trees soft yet brisk
the butterflies take off
elegantly yet swift

So I continue my walk
through this beautiful arboretum
then stop to enjoy the flowers
would you like to know what I see in them

Pinks, yellows, blues and reds
so many colors out there
and lots of smells in my head
so tempting to pick a few to wear

But I leave them in their home
making wonderful pieces of art
but now I must be going
as the sky is getting dark

I shall return again tomorrow
for there’s so much to see
maybe if you would like
you could accompany me

If I were to change my name
I’d no longer be who I am
then what’s my writing worth
and do I even give a ****

I’ve changed myself before
it never seems to work out
past days always ending in
guilt, shame, and doubt

But I don’t doubt now
that I need to stay the same
sharing my truth and story
until freedom is what came

Trying to take care,
Do the next right thing.
Save myself,
Just a human being.

Want to run and hide,
From thoughts in my head.
Supposed to be doing better,
Stuck here instead.

Told they will always be,
Like unwanted memories.
Sto fighting, learn to deal
With monsters and enemies.

Just want, to go home
Where I'm comfortable.
Need to stay, safe here
Instead I'm irritable.

What if I’m being judged
by the ones I say I love
Can’t they see I’m trying to heal
and working on being real
Can’t they see I’m trying hard
to heal everything that’s scarred
Moving forward is no joke
I meant every word that I spoke
But this is the end of our journey
you’re no longer good for me
Know I’ll be there if you call
but I’m afraid that is all
Because you were never there for me
left me hanging from my tree
Never there when I needed you most
instead you decided to turn ghost
So I am now moving on
this is the only way to be strong
Putting up my own boundaries
stone cold walls if you please
It didn’t have to be this way
I really wish that I could stay
But it’s time to take care of me
in hopes that one day I will be free

She lays broken again
with word of another lost friend
the Devil had become too strong
even though her friend gave their all

She wonders what will become of her
if she continues down the path she deserves
will she meet the Devil’s smile
or be allowed to stay a while

If she does arrive alone
will she regret the path she chose
or will she feel like she is free
inside of the Devil’s scream

She wishes only to be free
escaping from her enemy
but storm clouds roll and follow her
she wonders if they’ll ever let her be

Ocean roaring load and fierce
against the low plane it may pierce
but her attitude will stay strong
just like her red hair, striking and fierce

One day she knows she will get away
darkness surrounding her doesn’t have to stay
she just keeps moving on
and working hard for the day

Good, but better is better

When I open, emotion spills
so much coming through my quill
yet nobody seems to understand
unless the lives it first hand

When I open, truth comes out
I yell, I scream, and I shout
still nobody understands
because I’m the one who lived it first hand

When I open, I feel vulnerable
spilling out to others all that’s raw
but I’m still not understood
putting on these pages, my childhood

When I open, I wish to be heard
I promise that these words aren’t slurred
and yet I’m not understood
would you hear me if you could?

Oh how I dream to be free
but you just won't let me be
if I could, I would flee
but I'm stuck feeling achy

Oh how I dream you'll let me go
these things happened as you know
your lies hurt me and make me low
please won't you just let me grow

Oh how I dream one day I'll be ok
no longer will I have to be afraid
happiness comes, putting down my blade
forgiving the ways I was betrayed

Goin out of my mind
with thoughts of unpleasantries
wish to leave behind
all these memories

Body is in haywire
from lack of medication
scars now she must acquire
trying to take some action

Unable to sit still
and just be at one with the moment
wonder who's will
would be on such a hunt

Unfair to be so miserable
and at war with oneself
scary the things inside this skull
and the things it wants to do to itself

Each snowflake silently falls
just like each thought, one comes
then another
Quicker now they come
as if a flurry
swarming around my head
until finally they fall
Each one is unique
none like the other
sparkling in the light
each one’s a gem
I try to cherish them all
even the sad and broken ones
because without broken
you won’t know happy
How could these silent snowflakes
not bring happiness
The sound of peace and zen
I try to remember this
next time my head swarms
with flurries of snowflake thoughts

Tomorrow is the day, when I finally will be free. You’ve had such a hold over me. Reminding me of how my body doesn’t belong to me. Always feeling the touch that didn’t belong. A focus of what has been wrong for so long.
When you first came, I wished you would go away. Before there was any damage done, I knew you were not mine. I wished for you to be gone. Even thinking cancer would be better. Just whisk you away.
Every moment of every day, I feel you. I feel the others. I can’t be myself without trying to hide you. And the hiding is something I’m trying to break free from. I want to just be me. Authentic and free.
So this is goodbye. Goodbye to the thing that has attached me to my past. Goodbye to what makes me feel like I don’t belong. Goodbye to you, and hello to me.
A new era is coming. I can feel the breeze picking up. Eyes set to the future as I leave you behind.
Forever,
Alex

Stuck in this place again
how did I end up here
was it the self harm
or wishing for the end to be near

I could feel myself falling apart
little bits swept afar
will I ever get them back
or are they kept somewhere in a jar

It’s lonely here without family
nobody to turn to for help
I feel like my heart is tangled
in a sea forest of kelp

I want to get better
and find happiness again
such and impossible task
in a world without a friend

I can’t stop thinking about Mom
and all the things that went wrong
how she should’ve chose me
since we’ve talked, it’s been so long

Or the trauma from my past
how Joey and Ray ****** my life
will my head ever be good enough
to become someone’s wife

And how Grandma was stolen
from this Earth far too soon
I wish I could talk to her
instead I talk to the man in the moon

So many things haunt me
the stress just piles up
I guess that explains
why I’m stuck in a rut

So I’m stuck in this place again
writing in a journal not my own
trying to get better
trying to get home

I go to the groups
and I take all my meds
but I’m still not improving
and I’m stuck in my head

How long will this take
will these wounds ever mend
maybe I should have done it
put my suffering to an end

Instead I’m on pink slip
who knows how long after that
I guess if anyone needs me
well you know where I’m at

They say I am healing
but that’s scary to me
never been down this road
never have I seen these trees

They say I am healing
not sure if this is so
I still have bad days
And hit ultimate lows

They say I am healing
I’m terrified to see
the person coming out of this
will she still be me?

They say I am healing
I hope this is true
I need to feel something
other than feeling blue

He came home like any day
And laid in her bed to tell his stories
But the kiss that followed
Was enough to make her want to flee

Stuck she became as
He braced her with his leg
No words were spoken, but
All she wanted was to beg

Next came the pulsing
A sensation never felt before
As he turned to walk away
She was left feeling a ***** *****

Dear Grandma

I dreamed of you last night.
You were right there
Talking to me about decorations
and how the turkey wasn’t right.
I heard your voice
it was the same as it’d always been
my only regret is that I didn’t reach out
and hug you, holding on as long as I could.

I wish you were all that was in my dream.
The rest of it has me angry
because there were people causing such ruckus
and they just didn’t understand and wouldn’t leave us be.

When I woke from my dream
of course you were gone.
And so was your voice from my head.
I wished only to cry but the tears are stuck behind this wall I’ve built.
So I dialed your phone
to listen to you voice message.
You’re so sweet, wishing God to bless all.

Oh Grandma what I’d give
for one more hug from you.
Even if it’s in a dream, I long for your embrace.
So I set my alarm back a bit
wondering how late I’ll be.
Trying to go back
and see you in my dream.

Anxiety coursing through my veins
every inch of my body shakes
I cannot take the way it feels
or the ache I feel in my legs

I have a brick on my chest
making it so hard to breathe
gasping for air, someone help
lift the brick off of me

I can’t drink coffee
although I love it’s taste
my heart races and
it makes my hands shake

Going out is a joke
I don’t want to be around
anyone who could judge
the way my anxiety makes me look

It doesn’t stop
not even for a moment
constantly vibrating
and muscles tense as hell

I wish this monster would
just let me be
I need a moment to breathe
and be me again

It’s happening again
trapped by his weight
laying on the couch
my body fills with hate

He has no care for
the little girl he’s tearing apart
the feelings he brings to her
and how he darkens her heart

I’m terrified of him
never knowing how far he’ll go
shaking, here comes ****** of sin
I’ve never been so low

He never stops using me
I must learn to escape
put myself in another place
learn to focus and admire the landscape

And when he is done
and he leaves me alone
I remind myself I won
and I did it on my own

We all float here
but I’m alone my dear
Stranded on this silver moon
waiting for someone to swoon

We all float here
where there’s no cheer
Stranded on this silver moon
waiting here since last June

We all float here
where the sky is clear
Stranded on this silver moon
to the stars I’ve become immune

We all float here
yet I’m alone with a single tear
Stranded on this silver moon
my only friend is this red balloon

Legs aching from
nightmares last night
really can’t stand
continuing this fight

Head pounding and swirling
thoughts won’t sit still
really not sure how
I get these words out of my quill

Exhausted and just want to
stay laying down
face always seems
stuck in a frown

Obsessed over thoughts
of hurting myself
want to put my head
in a noose or the blade off the shelf

But really just want
to live without
all of these feelings
and the unfathomable doubt

Exiled
Just like I was before
Trust lost
There was none to mourn
Heart aches
As if an open sore
Self-inflicted
On rages the war

When I’m alone
I get in my head
When I end up there
I wish I were dead

When I’m alone
I get so scared
Feel as if
nobody ever cared

When I’m alone
it gets dangerous
Start to feel like
life’s not worth the fuss

When I’m alone
I’m my enemy
When really I need
to be a friend to me

She only wanted some peace
traded her brother to the King
he's in love with her but she does not see
all he really wants is another goblin to sing

She begs him to let go of control
but he has them both in his hold
to complete his tasks she must not dare
he's never had anyone be so bold

He tries to make her fall in love
as the world falls down around their ball
a masquerade that is too profound
she must break through these walls

She tries to solve this labyrinth she's in
twisting and turning she will never win
but her brother she must get back
giving him up was the gravest sin

As she finally reaches her task
and finds the baby she's been after
no more power does the King have
wake up the next day, it all is a blur

For everyone else Christmas is fun
for me it only brings up bad memories
of when I was a child and learned
for the first time to fight the enemy

It doesn’t bring joy, I don’t like to sing
I dread making cookies and all other things
I wish I had something to hold on to
but I hate Christmas and all that it brings

So nix all the caroling and please
get rid of all those sparkling lights
push Santa down the chimney
I need some silent nights

Standing at the edge of the sea
she dreamed one day to be free

Free like the moon beaming above
flying high as if a dove

Doves of love is all she wants
but memories still they haunt

Haunting her she’s been mistrewn
instead she stares at the silver moon

Moon of Wonder and freedom
beneath it her wings will blossom

Blossom now she can be free
and fly above the peaceful sea