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18
Her hands shaking like the bedpost,
Springs are sprung in a similar way to how I am for her,
Bending over effortlessly to feel the sway of her remarks.
If only her remarks were as sweet as her accent,
(If only she had an accent.)
Brave wake-up calls furthering our existence.
Memories lost at the bottom of half empty bottles & at the top of the ping-pong ball's curve.
The sky has been dark for a few hours & the back seat is really the only place we have ever found coherence at.
Tears. Lots of tears.
"Forget about them, take a little chance with me."
The friction,
the faulty red cups,
the unforgettable music,
the fair use of things that are older than our grandparents,
the flavor of her lips, (which makes me think of home, which makes me remember what shattered glass looks like on a kitchen floor & helps me remember what hands that would grab my arm too hard felt like) nostalgia in a pair of lips,
the fruit we were all too eager to try,
the fall of our bodies & the rise of our voices,
the few times we actually would like to remember,
the famous upside-down sip,
& the four words that I could never say in her presence again:
•Light
•Deer
•Exhibit
•Hello
"Promise me you won't forget me."
Misunderstanding her voice never helped me until now.
We're very tired.
We're very sleepy.
But yet our lips aren't.
They seem to forget their purpose once they have a taste of sin.
"Please don't tell anyone I did that."
We're too young for this & I think that's why we do it.
Purposely persuading your every step.
"Don't tell her I said that"
Home is now haze & books are now blur.
More tears.
"I'm not ashamed of you, I just like keeping everything a secret."
We're too old for mistakes & I think that's why we choose to make them.
Calm nerves make her nervous & so do unsteady pens.
"Please don't be mad at me."
We're too smart to be stuck on the same chapter & I think that's why we close the book instead of continuing to read on.

We're all just accidentally sinking to the bottom of the ocean.
i remember how it felt when we were sitting on top of your car
staring out into this little city
with expensive taste
the feeling of my head leaning onto your shoulder was so comforting
the sun was setting and your body was guarding the sun from shining on my face
we sat there in complete silence for a few minutes
and then you asked me how my grandma passed away
so i said it
you listened and wrapped your arm around me when i got weak
then you opened up to me and i grabbed your hand and held it
i kept looking at you and i heard the hurt in your voice
and i wish you would let me in the walls you've built around
so we can light a match and burn it down
but there is no doubt in my mind
that if you could
you'd crack my ribcage open
and pull my heart right out when ever you wanted to
and then id be left with nothing
but the words you said to my ear
that have sunk into my veins
and wont get out of my skin
the moment you asked me to change, i knew that i couldn't.
i can't change the way i fiddle with my hair constantly or the way i bite the inside of my lip when i'm concentrating. i can't change the way i speak far too much and also too little. i can't change the way my clothes cling to the parts of my body that they shouldn't. i can't change the way i over analyse everything or the way i laugh. i can't change the way i fall for people who spin a tale with adjectives and a happily ever after. i can't change the way i'm constantly nervous and jumpy and always wondering whether you notice me. i can't change the way i read other people's words like they're going out of style. i can't change the way i have too many questions and not nearly enough answers. i can't change the way i don't sleep because i'm too busy pondering the great workings of the universe.
i can't change me any more than i can change the direction of gale force winds simply by blowing into the air. i can't change the way i loved you and i can't change the way that all of that wasn't enough.
If life was a day
I'd wake up kicking and screaming
opening my eyes to the world for the first time
seeing and meeting strange people
by 9am I'd be in my 20's and in my prime
but not for long before the day made me tired

By midday I would be wasting my life savings
buying a new car, holidays and fancy clothes
for I would have entered my midlife crisis
What had started out as a long day
was coming to an end quicker than I realised

The day would roll on and by late evening
I'd be a grandad, spoiling my family
spending what I had left to enjoy the time I had left
As I would struggle up the stairs
longing for my bed
the day would be nearing its end
11:59pm time for me to fall asleep
never waking up
never seeing tomorrow
That's what it would be like
If life was a day
watching you walk away
was like a bullet in my chest
you told me you wished me
nothing but the best

but how could that exist?
without the one thing I need
how can I follow
if you aren’t there to lead?

and who’s going to protect
me from everything bad?
who’s going to dry my tears
when I am terribly sad?

I bet you never thought
of that did you?
a bullet in my chest
it shot straight through

shot straight to my
still beating heart
took away my life
so away you start

off to be free of the burden
I was upon you
so you shot me in the heart
& it went right through.
bleeding love
You fell in love with me.

I just hope you jumped.
Not slipped.
I thought I could trust in you enough to reach for you as I was drowning.
I was foolish to think you were my life raft
when you were the undercurrent that kept pulling me down.
Farther and farther out I went
into this open sea of vulnerability and naivety.
I was hopelessly engulfed in this idea of who I wanted you to be.
I romanticized you and every word that spilled from your mouth.
So much that your lies were salt water in my open wounds
and I let myself believe they were the stitches.
I hope she was worth
The pain you put me through
I hope she can hold you closer
Than when I wrapped my soul around you
I hope she can make you smile brighter
Than when I made you laugh
I hope she can sing to you sweeter
Than when I sung your name
I hope her words have more meaning
Than when I said “I love you - always and forever”
I hope that she never makes you feel pain
The way you claim I made you endure
I hope when you see her –
She’s all that you want to see
I hope she was worth it
I hope she was worth all the tears
That I shed for you
After you left me for her
****. I hate this.
He breathed her in as if she were his only source of oxygen
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