Down to my last bit of strength
Walk out of work in sobbing tears
Start the hike home
half a mile
81 degrees

"Yo Panda you look beat"
I stop dead in my tract
That voice
It shouldnt be here.
Is it really here?

Afraid to hope
afriad to believe
Take a gulp of air
look up.
Am I seing things?

Chillign against a car
a smirk across his face
arms crossed
sunglasses oddly on
HAWK

Big brother Hawk
in all his dark glory
drove 8 hours give or take
just to make sure
I was ok.

Runnig into his arms
I cling to my big brother.
Wrapping them around me
lifting me up in a
big bear hug.

Safe, secure, peace.
In Hawks arms
I always feel
those three things
No matter what.

"You're safe now Panda,
I'm here for you,
You're not alone."
He whispers to me
And I know he means every word.

Numb deep within
Can't feel my feet
Up to my heart
Do i exist?

Anytime i feel
It hurts
Everyrhing races
i am afriad

I can't remeber
Ever belonging
Not in a social sense
Or being real

I get too tired
I feel as a child
Seeing monsters
Giant man eating
Lobsters
Demons running amok
Every breath of mine is bad
Luck

I swear to god
I belong in a mental institute
Im not real
Are you?

I'm alone
Ive been alone forever
And ever more
I'll be alone

My life is flashing
It's all been so quick
And I've hated every second
Of my breathing

I miss my mother
I miss my brothers
My whole family
I think played a big whammy
They must be fake too
My scared eyes sometimes see
Through

Theres a veil you see
Doctors say it's anxiety
Thats a lie to keep me busy
We aren't real

I'm so scared
I can't describe this fear
It never leaves me
I'm shivering and afraid
The monsters coming to consume me

Look hard enough
You'll see real mosnters
Slenderman and demons
Theyre all real
Mocking us

Im still a little girl
Sad and afriad of the world
All i see is fear and creatures
Lurking with no ****** features
No one will hold me
My soul is ******* empty

Is god real
Why won't he answer me
He probabaly is around
And ignoring me
That is the theme of my
Reality

Can someone just hold me
Let me forget my dark reality
Im so ******* afraid
I must be extremely brave
I see demons larger then i can comprehend
Yet i go out and still stand

If someone held me
And didn't leave
Maybe for ahwile
I would feel real
And not as a scared
Child

She was 5 years old
her name was Isabel
She knew me very well
everyday we played in the park
and we made up a hand shake too
It went
I dont wana do the dishes
I dont wanan clean my room
all I wanna do is be here with you
then we would hug
and smile all day long
but that didnt last very long
my father told me to watch out for her she was bad
I didnt undrstead that she was the only friend I have very had
My dad insited that we never speak
he tried to make sure we would never meet
But one day in the cafetiria She smiled at me
then we became best friends almost instantly
we Did everything together
one day I invited her over so my dad can see
that she is an amazing person to me
and she is a lovely young lady
that was when i turned 13
she was always ther for me
Then I came to school with bruises all up my face
she aksed what happened to me
That was the first time I told her about my daddy
she threatened to call the police
she said that it was not safe or healthy
that its not normal to be beat
everyday
for nothing
that dads should punch their wives and cheat behind there back
she said good men dont do that
and I believed her
so just so my dad could hear I brought her to dinner one day
she didnt wanna go but I insisted it was ok
When she came over my dad got mad
the maddest I have ever seen him
then she saw my father
He punch her and kicked her then he grab a knife
I told him to stop I screamed
but i was to afraid to fight
to afriad to fight
then she stop moving and layed there still
everything was silent
she was dead
dead
my only friend
THen I grabbed the knife and stabbed my dad in the head
I screamed
NO MORE
no more
Then it wasnt just Isabel that layed dead on the ground
No one made a sound
my mom just stood there staring at me
Then I realized I just lost my family
I killed my daddy
I did worse then I could ever believe so I picked up the knife and stabbed my mommy
I didnt want her to have to live knowing that I killed her family
then I took the knife and stabbed me
That was the end of my family

I am not afraid of death
I am not afraid of being alone
I am afraid to die without love

Once, I was told by a by a writing instructor that if I could only write in fragments, I should write in fragments.  It was good advice.  I never really finished anything I began during that time period, but I've become attached to these tiny bits of scratching that take up odd space in my journals.
...
Certainty, like invocation of the spirits of thunder, gather in my eyes, my voice, in the purpose of my movement.  Economical, efficient, effective motion will prove my intent where my heart fails.  Only the stilled wind would guess my fear, my timorous uncertainty.  You would not.  You must not
...
I would smear you on my lips, like berries in July.  You would taste sweet, like sticky and cool; smooth against my uneven breath, linger like the scent of lilacs in april.  I'm sure of it.
...
Leaving.  Somewhere between Casper & Cheyenne Olympus in the sky with Luck Dragons and owls.  Patrick, do you see them from Billings?  Earth that flows, rolls, folding itself over and over, mountains curving upward into claws of earth tearing at the sky.  Silence deeper than sound, hair in my face and rain that smells of heat and wet, green things mingling with smell of hot pavement cooling in the prairie.  These are leaving things.
...
What I know.  I know how to breathe.  The trillion ways of moving air into these lungs.  I know the quick easy breath of near slumber; the short rasped breath of barely concealed fear; I know the shallow breath afriad to break love spells and the flooding breath of relief.  I know the sharp inhale of being hurt, and the deliberate letting go of defeat...
....
I crave words, like chocolate, creamy-sweet on my tongue, giving way to teeth that press too hard.
...
Impossible things everyday occur outside the continent of myself.  I am not so busy with my own universal truths to consider this impossible raindrop that will linger on my fingertip in spite of the autumn wind.
...
When it hurts the world makes sense.  Resolution absovles me from inaction and the momentum carries me forward with purpose.
...
Something about the feel of pencil on paper... of scratching out meaning from possibility.  No more permanent than graphite on wood pulp ~ the soft friction has it's own truth, a burning of sorts, heat of substance on substance, from mind to paper, consuming all that it is not, internal regions to external realities; commitment at it's subtle best, fleeting and impermanent as time.
...
Sometimes you don't think, or won't, or something like that, something crzy like that.  Sometimes a stone is just a rock, a lone flower in a vast field of scrub and brush is just a mislaid seed.  Sometimes a sunset fire on a sloping hill is simply a star behind a revolving planet.  Occasionally, going home is nothing more than a twelve year old economy car and a bad road.
...
Today I miss you.  You are lodged firmly in a small, hard lump at the back of my throat ~ encased tears aching to explode into empty space, where you are not.  Not here next to me, where skin on skin might reassure me of your definitive existence.  Not here, where I am certain of you.

Shes got a face not spoiled by beauty
Hands not marred with jealousy
A kiss not powered by wonder
and hips not fueled by lust
She has a ring finger not driven by greed
This girl has eyes that dont look for the best
but accept the worst
and are not afriad of what mine have seen
Her heart is not stealable
so with me she'll stay  
I'll do my best to keep it that way
and her mind cant get any blacker
so with mine it will
This girl has scars from where shes been
so with mine they mark us together
Hopefully...


Forever

You're breath on my neck,
It replays in my head everyday.
Your whispers, they taunt me.
Your heart lies.
The softness and clarity of your lips on my chest,
Leave me restlesss,
Aching for more.
To be a fool
Or to be sane,
That is the question.
Our bodys intertwind,
But to afriad to truly touch.
The heart frolics with the mind ,
Leaving both fragil,
Weak.
To be a fool,
That's the question.
The breath which you leak, isolates my heart,
And manipluates my mind,
To foolishness.
To be a fool,
A fool to love you.

High above the cliff’s edge
you may see my long tail whip
in the cloudy crisp air
or hear the swoosh of my wings
as I move from perch to perch, landing
on anthills that are overflowing with memories.
I am not afriad of my past because my armor
is thick and impenatrable
and if an ant is somehow able to
find a flaw in my scales
and begins stinging my bare flesh
I need only dive into the sea below
to refresh and start anew.
Dragons, born of Hermes,
are adaptable to any environment,
equipped with fire, ice, and a natural
nonchalance which enables us to roam seamlessly
from realm to realm
and dwell in the in-between world
where I stand with one foot
in fantasy and the other in reality.
Perfectly content with my ever-evolving life
I only feel fear when my shadow
takes the shape of man and
stalks me relentlessly—
as his envious hand gets too close
I spit fire in hopes that he will dissapear
but it only makes him dance back and forth with a smile.
Weary of his enjoyment I spew ice to
freeze him in place and out of curiosity
I dive through my shadow and emerge as a human
immobilized and forced
to wear armor of nerves and blood
that ceaselessly cry for the scaly skin of a dragon that
my imagination created
     to save     me from
the pain and                realization
that there is no                           middle ground