She saw him
My mother saw him her abuser
Eye to eye they stared at each other
For him to laugh and look down in embarrassment
For her to leave all shaken up
Now her kids are too terrified to leave home
Incase they see him...

I was born in this world without a choice.
if i knew  what my life was going to be no doubt would i have chosen not to exist.
Born into two people who claimed that one was my mother and one was my father
because  being a mother or a father isn't just producing a fetus its about living up to the role
None of mine did.
No choice but to grow up to fast
by age 5 i was hiding knives and tablets preventing my mothers suicide attempts
running around and crashing into that monsters soul
afraid i would  take two steps back
and he would take two steps forward
he would hold my hand and take me to my mother
the rest is a blur
all i know was i would see her naked body and him next to her.

Cold heated shouts blew me away
drowned me in none other then sadness and fear
my siblings become like my children
who i tried to protect
but we would come together to keep each other safe.
the routine of hiding knives become a game we made
social services meant to care or to protect?
watched the monster silence us and left us and deemed it was  safe
safe despite watching the "parents" argue
safe despite  him being cautioned  and kept away for beating my sister when she was 7
who knew these services would later be the reason why innocent  lives were sacrificed for a cycle of abuse that would never seem to end....

Please stop hurting me at night
Your making me feel not right
I feel so abnormal due to you
So my hardest plead let me go
Free me from your cluthes
Wave me goodbye
Tell me I am a sket one thousend times
While I sleep the voices that scream
But don't play the grousmosue memories
Of a child being *****
I am tired
Of not sleeping
In the fear
That the memory will reappear

This may be hard to hear and feels like i am stating a streotype comment
But for all those surviors of ****** abuse
I just want to let you know your not alone
I know everyday is a sturggle to get out of bed
Constent worrying and pain
And the questions that wont let go
You just want to end it all
You think its your fault and even if the world was telling you its not your sitting there thinking Oh my god please just shut up
I understand that but just know its okay not to be okay
And i know you feel ***** and you want to hurt yourself,blame yourself
And even if i tell you dont do it your letting the monster win
It makes no difference
So what i am going to say is hold on tight i know the journey is painful
But once you reach it will be raimbows
The nightmares the flashbacks  i know its painful
I know it hurts more then anything
But i promise you that as long as your safe
No hands will ever touch you again
I know its hard and cry all you want
But once your finshed be sure to know that you can do it again whenever you want
Your not a victim you Are a survivor


But the truth is i will never know your pain
Nobody can ever guess what you might me going through
All you know is what your going through
But empathy is somthing that only works to an extent....
This is what i go through...

It started of as a joke
Like a game gone wrong
But when i heard her cry
I knew there was somthing
Terribly wrong

It's HIS birthday today
THE MAN who ruiend me
he was meant to be my DADDY
Not my abuser
Why did GOD
Have to create him....

I'm sorry
I'm truly sorry
To my 9 year old youger self
For enduring what you did
I don't blame you
I feel angry at the person who did this To you
You was so inncocnt
Just looking to be loved
To be protected

Yeh you might of lost your womanhood to your own dad
But that was not your choice
It was forced...

The 15 year old me is just dealing with his actions not yours

He was in my head
Today
He was abusing me in the rain
I focused on the rain and ignored
The pain
The hurt
The exploitiaion
The rain protected me

Today Is the day I was born
The day i hate the most
Why was I born
If only to be be hurt by the person who help produce me.
I'm bad luck and a jinx


guess what to the man who hurt me
You ain't worth of being my dad
So i am going to celebrate my birthday embrace it no matter what..
You are not worthy of controlling me at 16!!!

My silent screams go unnoticed
My darkend days unchecked
I wish they believed me when i said it did happen
The emptiness is all consuming
It stole away my breathe
Self harm is always an option
Sucide is wish
That wouldn't happen to me
Because even death has rejected me
The memories of being suffocated by the man you called dad totures my head every minute
But now....
I got nothin to say
My words ran away with my happiness

I was only nine
When you
Stole away
What was meant to be mine
My body

I wish I could say
That life is much more beautful
I wish I could say
You don't appear in my dreams
I wish I could say
You are behind bars for hurting me
But all i can say is
My mum is dealing with the mess you created

Look around and all i can see
Is the hatred of the world
The anger the pain
They laugh at me
They say
Sket did it once
Do it again...

My heart is crying
My mind is screaming
Daddy let me go
Let me go
He says no
You have to watch this
I say
Daddy  do you love me now
He says no

Dad you taught me the biggest lesson of life

Never marry anyone like you ..

The saddest part of being laiba
Is that even  if the world told me
It's not my fault
I would sit there
And say it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it isit is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is
It is is it is it is it it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is  it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is
MY FAULT

Sleep is my pain
I close my eyes
And the nightmares
Start of the memories i didn't choose to go through
The memories of being hurt
Being tortured
By the man I called daddy
So sleep is pain
That's when it all comes back
To bite me in the neck

Imagine this...
falling in love and finding somebody that  is your soulmate or your first ever crush
and they look at you in your eyes and say life is better now that i have found you
and the butterflies just dance in your stomach
and you think to yourself that this cant  get any better..
But this feeling does not simply come  just by loving the opposite gender
it can come by loving the same gender as you
or you feel the same way with both genders
and that is okay nothing wrong with that
to the people who think this is wrong
ask yourself this
since when you can you control who you love?


Love has no color  
no filter
Love can never be wrong
nor something that shouldn't happen...
love who you want if that how you feel and then that is   how you feel
Being yourself and accepting who you are can never be wrong
The norm is different for everyone
your norm may be the norm for u but not for your friend
and that isn't wrong.
we do not   have to live up to other peoples normal
live up to your own self being.

surround yourself with people you want
do not  let others choose your sexuality
continue being your beautiful wonderful and unstoppable self
and nothing should stop you from being this person
and remember love is love no matter who its with

Hope can never be silenced
and so i hope that we come to a place in this world
were we wouldn't have to "come out"
we would just simply say "we are in love and that all that is important"
not who it is...
lets start to treat people like human
rather then determine that on their sexuality
remember love is love and its different for everyone

I wanted to shout  
I wanted to scream
Daddy STOP it hurts
But all i could do Is lay in scilence
While you ripped me layer by layer

I cut a year ago
I cut a month ago
I cut 2 weeks ago
I cut 24 hours ago
I cut 24 minutes ago

Daddy why did u hurt me
Daddy why did u put your hands all  over me
Daddy please tell me
Laiba is breaking apart
And that isnt fair
No freinds no nothing
She can't hear the phase "who will be the one to loose your virginity"
All I can remeber is my dad was the first
Not my childhood sweetheart ..

My heart is beating so fast
Fast like fast
Faster then fast
The  urge is to self harm
29/07/2020
Relapsed...
My heart beated fast
My mind acted fast

Happy birthday my best friend
My partner in crime.
My laughter.
My joy.
My life.
My everything.
My beauful sister
My actual biological sister
I love you stay blessed

To face the storm head on..
Having no choice but to do so
Because life throws pain at you and there is sometimes more often than I should of knew that nobody will come to save me
I learnt It the hard way
Alone and afraid with the storm building up over me

The storm follows me each day
Reminding me of the nightmares i have endured
I pray and pray please take this storm away with little bit of sun or even some rain

The rain is good, at least nobody can see me cry .
Sometimes the storm is my only friend listening to me and my pain
Sometimes it's my enemy never leaving me alone.


The storm is as loud as something I can't say
Echoing in my ear
I have to face it no doubt because I have no other choice.


I hope one day this storm will disappear
And I can finally start living again, breathing again, smiling again.

The list is endless…

I don't trust no longer
My trust for others is a thread
Easy to turn a blind eye too
Not intentionally done to harm me
But my PTSD says otherwise

Can't convince my mind to believe that you was looking out for my safety
And you cared about my life
When you should of known out of everyone in this world
That what you did would of been more damaging then anything

That's the ptsd thinking like that
I know the meaning behind it was to protect me
But convince insanity that

Silenced
Ashamed
Why do i have to be this why

I am not strong
Never will be
Cant be
So stop telling me to be

I feel so low.
I feel so scared
Tell me why do I have to be this way
Tired
And afraid
I cut myself once again
Not wanting to die but to get rid of the pain
So please help me understand why do I deserve all this pain.

My head
My heart
All says the one thing
Let it go enough is enough

"Don't worry i will be okay, daddy will look after me"
how stupid was i to be so innocent and think he will protect me, look after me and be a dad to me.
the day  i said those words, he took my body away from me
.