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 Apr 2018 Shobhit
Patricia LeDuc
Thoughts in love conceived
Misdeeds in love deceived

Now you say
You are relieved

The burden is lost
But at what cost

Now I have no doubt
I have figured it out

You are the one to lose
Do what you choose

So what if I’m singing the blues
I’ve already paid my membership dues…

To the club of love deceived…
~Not a club I'd want to join again
February 4th 2018
 Apr 2018 Shobhit
Patricia LeDuc
You abruptly say you are leaving
I stare stunned
Eyes averted unbelieving
I drop to my knees
Heart broken and grieving
Thoughts of loss and pain
Run through my brain
Misery
Loss
Rejection
Are weaving
Into my life again
You seem Hell bent on leaving
I guess looks are deceiving
You looked so content
But you say your love is gone
And you don’t know where it went?
You are going to leave me broken and bent
What is the reason you are giving?
Whatever it is
I am shaken to the core
Stunned I watch
As you pack your stuff
I beg and say
Enough, enough
Our love was Heaven sent
What happened?
What did I miss?
A subtle change?
In your touch?
In your kiss?
Is that all out love meant?
You are declaring us over
Hell Bent?
Or
Heaven Sent?
January 14th 2018
(Revised)

Journal entry #8

It was surprisingly through therapy, I learned that grief doesn't just happen with death.
You can actually mourn someone still very much alive.

So, as my therapist would say,
"Lets explore that."


#1: Denial.
I remember this stage pretty well.  The world felt meaningless, Everything was overwhelming. Nothing in my life made sense anymore. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that there was no more you and me. I was paralyzed with shock. I was utterly and completely numb. I didn't feel anything for weeks. Until I guess I was ready to start asking myself the why of all that happened between us.

#2: Pain
As the shock and denial of my marriage ending began to slowly melt away, I felt as though I was hit by a bus as deep pain and guilt within me had finally surfaced. The reality of it all sunk in and I was left with nothing but a huge void in my heart.
The pain was beyond excruciating, a type of hell I'd never wish on anyone. My only escape to avoid the unbearable pain was drowning myself in wine. I drank almost  every single night for the sole purpose of escaping the reality which was to go on living my life, but without you in it.



#3: Rage.
Now I'll admit it took me a while to get to this step.
And after weeks of crying and missing you. It happened as fast as a flick of a light switch.
I was so angry at you, for what you had put me through.
I wanted you to feel every ounce of what I was feeling.
I wanted to hate you.
I was angry at all the things you had done.
All the truth I found out after I left you.
I felt like it wasent fair that you were there living Scott free without a care, without a worry with someone you replaced me with.
Rage consumed me.
I was even angry with God.
So I cut myself off from everything and everyone.
I talked to no one because I was just that angry.
At life and above all...
You.
I felt like I was lost at sea with no connection to anything.


4: Bargaining.
Then came the what ifs.
Maybe if I had been more this we'd still be married. If only I had done this maybe then you'd still be here... with me.
If only I could just got back into time and tell you once more how much I loved you, maybe then you'd understand, make better choices for our marriage.
I even bargained with my own pain. I did anything not to feel the pain of my loss. I remained in the past, trying to negotiate my way out of all the hurt.


#5: Depression.
Ahh depression the current stage that I am at.
It'll come over you like a thief in the night.
Empty feelings began to present themselves, and my grief came into my life on such a deeper level.
Deeper than I had ever imagined.
I am completely in a never ending fog.
I've withdrawn from life.
I want so desperately to pull myself out of this, but I'm lost.
I've lost myself.
I think that once the loss of leaving the only man I've ever loved settles within my soul That will be when I truly Find peace.


#6: Acceptance.
If I'm being perfectly honest with myself and my therapy.
I'll admit I'm not there yet.
You were the first love of my life.
You knew me.
I knew you, despite all the lies, all the things you tried to hide.
I saw you.
The real you, which is why I tried to save you from yourself so many times over, for years.
I saw your darkness, and I took it on as if it had been mine all along.
I tried to be the light in your life.
I tried to show you that despite your flaws, your past, your lies, that you had a chance for a better life... with me.
The very person that saw all of that horrible ****, and still loved you and felt in her heart that none of that was who you really are.
But It was never enough and sadly neither was I.
Looking back now I second guess myself.
Maybe that's just who you really are and the saying love is blind was our ultimate end.




#7: Hope
My therapist says that hope is the final stage of grief a person goes through after acceptance.
According to her the feelings you experience are not the same as resignation or feeling defeated.
It's In this stage that, you soon realize that,
(for instance in my case me ending my marriage) is something that was going to happen and was not in my control.
Moreover, I would then be able to move on with my life and even try to plan for a better future. The loss of my marriage, though still might be upsetting, when I reach this stage I hopefully will no longer be filled with the unbearable pain I've described throughout this poem.
Bottom line is if you're dealing with a tragic loss, know that it's not forever. The best thing you can do (which will be hell in itself, never easy)
But go through what you go through. Feel everything you're feeling and don't suppress any of it.
As hard as it is to feel pain it's what will get you through the hardest stages of grief.
If this pressure is definite
Why does it sway my contractions.
How could I be so strong
to crush my body under my own tension.
 Mar 2018 Shobhit
Natasha
I could never tell you
exactly what's going on inside my head,
so I'll write instead.
Drown my thoughts in paper & lead.
Keep my hands alive,
and my expression dead.
I get that you want him
You want him so bad
But it isn't my fault
He wants me, instead
[Hey girl,

This is for you, yes you,

There is something I need to tell you,

That I have been hiding from you.

These are the pieces of my heart,

That you have taken from miles apart,

And I have never feels this way so far.

For this is not a quest,

It's just something I need to take off from my chest,

So Read it all that's my only request.

There are some things that I didn't tell you,

Like the first time when I saw you,

Who were you, I even hadn't got a clue,

Then I saw you again almost out of the blue.

There was something strong that attracted me,

Cause I was always of the repulsive kind,

I thought about you all the night,

And then you were all over my mind.

Do you not realise,

Or you think that

it is not wise,

Oh I am so confused,

Yet I am so infused

With hope, that this one time

I will not be refused.

The night I saw you, I was wondering alone,

When I heard your captivating tone,

And I just flowed with it, where ever it took me

And then I saw something that will became a part of me.

yes it was you, that catches my eyes,

Or rather I say it was your shining eyes

I stood there staring blankly at you

And I just listen to your voice that was so smooth

Don't you think that I am being childish

And telling you things this way, I am being stylish

I thought it was just an infatuation,

And I was searching for a reason

To explain myself that it is not love,

I asked myself all types of questions,

In the search for only one reason

To confess myself that it is not love.

I remember that night when I first saw you,
I don't remember how you dressed

Cause I was lost in your voice.

Then I thought to myself
That, that meeting was work of faith

Cause that day I was not there by my choice.

Sometimes I think, how silly of me to think like that

*And I do with myself a little chit chat
I love a girl and didn't know how to say it to her so, I thought to tell her my feelings with a poem and then I wrote it.
She is the sunshine
I am the cloud
She is the happiness
I never really found.
 Mar 2018 Shobhit
Riya
"Guys like him don't fall for girls like me."
"And what kind of guy is he?"
"Someone who my endless abyss would destroy."
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