and since forever
i thought i was actually going to be okay
i actually thought i had gotten over you

but then i heard my name escape your lips
and your eyes follow the shape of my body
and everything that i felt the minute before
crumbled to the floor
and i was back in this misery

in your darkest times
you reach for the bottle
running from your problems
drinking the night away
along with those memories

but darling
just one drunk night
repeats after another
and you will fall into the habit
and lose yourself

this world can be so cold
ugly and mean for a girl like you
your fresh eyes don't see what
all they've expected as a young girl

but think about the sun that shone
down on you in the morning
think about the boy you have laying
next to you as happy as can be

think your way to a happy world
you're a fresh girl with a fresh mind
a girl who's time is not too late to be
happy

a year ago
i merely knew your name

a friend of friends
but nothing more

who would've thought that
you would pick me
and i would pick you

you are
the words
that flow from my mind

you are
the shine
that fills in my eyes

you are
the inspiration of all i do
and i really think
i love you

because please tell me how i am supposed to trust with all i've heard,
trust with the words you spoke of
turning bodies into jokes and filling my ears with words that have nothing more than an intention of being evil,
laughing and talking words of some of my own insecurities

please tell me how i am supposed to trust when all the men i have ever had to deal with have turned their backs,
physical abuse or emotional
smacking me in the face with their hand or their words,
regretting me and pushing me off,
acting as though i was nothing but an ugly girl or just a needy little fool begging for their love

change my mind and please prove to me that not all men with leave me crying a countless number of tears,
countless hours of me too hurt to get up and move from the spot they left me laying at,
reminiscing on the words they spoke to me;
their daughter or their ex

i am wounded by a number of men
and you scream to me to trust you,
you scream to me that you would never ever do anything to hurt me,
even when we part,
you want me to trust you
and i cannot find myself to it

because darling,
if you try to trust one after another
and they all seem to break it the same,
how can you find yourself to trust again?

"He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself"

you're asleep
and i think
im finally
coming to
realize how
much i
actually like
you.

“I keep telling myself maybe we were too young, like meeting at 15 years old wasn’t old enough for you to keep me around. I guess we both had a lot of living left to do like new people to meet, other people to ‘love’ and new places to see. But as the days turn into months and months will eventually turn into years do you go looking for me in others, do you do things that we used to do, just so i cross your mind on purpose? When you are 18 and realize you can make your own decisions, without your high school friends that you don’t see anymore or when your parents finally get off your back, will you look me up on some social media site and realize I look different like my hair is shorter and I dyed it blonde, will you look at my smile and realize I don’t smile the way I used to smile when we were young and in love, will you notice little changes that only you and I would notice? Do you ever think of your future and hope somehow someday we will meet again, the same way we met that first time when we were both 15 and never felt love like this before… I know for sure that days turned into months and even when they turn into years my love for you will never die, until I do. But even when I’m six feet under your voice will still remain in my ears and your touch is all my skin will feel and your face is all my eyes will see, but at least I won’t be able to feel the aching pain in my heart every time I hear your name or when someone asks me about my first love.”

she drank too much
couldnt even walk
eyes blurred
but she managed to
make her way
down to the fence
broken down
like all their memories
touched waters
and her blood ran cold

she is counting on you to
turn her cold body warm
take the hair from her face
as she throws up blood
from not eating, just drinking

she is counting on you to
bring the happiness back
make her feel loved
to pull her out of the hole

she is finding herself in you
begging you to pull her out
bring the sunlight and laughter
help her out of this depression

i handled you leaving better than i thought i would
but it's been a month
and im getting bad again
you're not here
and i know it wasn't fully your choice
but i miss you
i see your face and i choke up
you're hundreds of miles away
and i need you to come home

our lips met
mine taken by surprise
The Killers playing background
while you slowly reached up my shirt

"It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this..."

from lips meeting
to your tongue running down my neck
down to my chest
pushed me down and held my face
breath shortening and moans escaping while your hands worked your way to my body

pushing you up
and straddling down on you
I've never been so close to someone
our bodies hot and drenched in sweat
it may be cold outside but I'm hot for you

thin pink lips
and dark brown eyes
strong back
and strong features

i want your arms
wrapped around me
i want your heart
to be all mine

sweet words
and loving gazes
heart felt letters
and random gifts

i want your love
and your loving shares
i want your heart
to be all mine

here the
cold comes
with
dark days
and
heartbreak

I never really knew what pain was like until I woke up mid-sleep and had a longing feeling for you, or when I have a dream about you and I wake up to see you're not there. I never really knew what it was like to miss someone until our fingertips stopped finding each other's warmth and our bodies didn't connect or fall together anymore. And I didn't know what it was like to love or be loved, until your eyes searched for mine in a crowded room or our thoughts connected by the way our eyes met.

“All my friends tell me how toxic the memory of you is. I know it’s toxic, I drink to forget you. My liver has given up on me and I still can’t stop drinking, because for the time that i’m feeling the burn of the ***** down my throat I can’t feel the pain of my broken heart.”

hands shaking
and lips trembling
i crave your hips on mine
push into me
and satisfy my lust
your wet lips meet my body
leaving marks
purple and blue
you don't hesitate to claim me yours

my turn too satisfy
my warm tongue meets your neck
leave little trails down your chest
to your hips
all the way down
i will start from bottom to top
form my mouth around you
spread my warmth to your body
won't stop till we're both shaking

push me down and take charge
pin me against the wall
come into me and press against me
hard
lay me on the bed
lick me
move your tongue fast
allow my nails to scratch your back
dig into you
my moans encourage you to go more
driving me insane
making me shake uncontrollably

i pull you up hard
and take all of you in me
matching your thrusts
going as fast as we can
as hard as we can
thrusting our hips
drenched and heated
we melt into each other

as we grow throughout life
we see through many eyes
from the oblivious to the wise

we learn to see through the lies
and learn that nothing is forever
no words can keep things together
we learn that people will say things
and not mean it
that pinkies don't always keep promises

through our eyes we see
the evil in others
the deceiving
we see our worlds being torn apart
right under our shoes
we see others tearing us apart
ripping our souls to shreds
for no reason

we will see some beauty
of the stars in the night
the beauty in a person showing
kindness and love
we will see the beauty
in people's words


we will feel the warmth of somes love
and the hatred of others
the lust of our lovers
the connection of our sisters

through our bodies we will learn
throughout time
that nothing stays the same
and that soon enough
everything will change
but we must learn

We're on a
Merry-Go-Round
that never stops
going round

We're on a
Roller Coaster
that never stops
it's ups and downs

We're on a
Ferris Wheel
that never stops
spinning

We're on a
ride full of problems
that never
gets solved

with my
messy hair
and your
tshirt
on me
and not
on you
i remember
that we had
the greatest
night
ever known

"oh how beautiful
purple to pink"
everyone thinks
except me
because my favorite time
is right before dawn
the darkest time

blank walls
and empty thoughts
the shadow falling in the back

no one knows who she is
anymore
and they can't ask
because she doesn't know
who she is anymore either

Misty air,
Hushed laughter,
Adrenaline rushing.

That night,
I realized who I wanted to be;
What made me happy.

Silenced chime,
Creaky door handle,
His shadow.

I ran,
I ran as fast as my feet would allow on the mushy ground.
I ran from the haunting life.

She stayed close,
Ran with me.
She ran with me,
Away from my life.

Soon enough,
He caught up.
Our source of freedom,
He came from behind.

Wet feeting smacking the road,
We walked to his old red pick-up.
My first time seeing freedom.

My first time,
Doing what I wanted.

No one could control me,
Not even my parents.
No,
I didn't allow it.
I didn't allow their leash to hold me from what I wanted.

Starting engine,
I realized who I wanted to be.
I realized who I was.

I wasn't their innocent little girl.
I couldn't be what they wanted.
I couldn't do what they wanted.

I realized,
I was an adrenaline ******,
A free-spirited girl,
Reckless.

I couldn't be,
The quiet,
Self-less,
Innocent girl.

So that night,
I allowed him to take me away.
Take away my leash,
The invisible force holding me back.

That night,
I became who I wanted to be.

I tried,
I tried so hard.
Thumbs hovering over the unwritten words,
I tried so hard to resist texting you.
I tried so hard to not be the first one,
To not be the one giving all the effort.

Day One,
Friends don't have to text everyday.

Day Two,
Self esteem goes down,
You're let down.

Suddenly it's Day Four,
You keep on a painted smile.
You act like you're fine.
You actually think you may get through this.

Day Seven,
The day everything sets in.
You didn't pass the test,
You couldn't.
You broke down.
You relapsed.

It's when Day Seven comes around that you realize you weren't,
Happy enough,
Strong enough,
Funny enough,
Cute enough,

Good enough.

So you sit there,
Under running water,
You wish you could drown.
You silently cry,
Hoping no one will hear your escaping sobs.

It's Day Seven when you realize,
They're fine without you.

It's Day Seven when you realize,
You can't be fixed.

I should've* put on a fake smile.
I should've pushed through it all.
I should've acted happy.

Maybe then, I wouldn't have lost you.
Maybe then, I wouldn't have drowned myself in alcohol that night.
Maybe then, I wouldn't be dead inside.

I recall once upon a time, when you held me, you said you loved me.
I remember sharing laughs and smiles, making memories.
Now, you're making new memories, sharing love.
Not even eleven days later.

Maybe, you didn't love me.
And maybe, I was just an object that had no meaning, just a title.