tears rolled down her pale porcelain cheeks, her lower lip trembled as she stared at the crumpled piece of paper in her hand. her heart felt like it was about to puncture a hole through her ribs, damaging her thin frame which was already bruised and battered. the bruises were her decoration, not something she hid, not something that came from abuse, but rather from love.

a scream shattered across the room, breaking the peaceful silence, unnoticeable to the city around her, but a sharp cut through the apartment’s normally tranquil state.

she sobbed and pulled at the skin around her hands, clawing at it with her painted peach-coloured nails, trying to convince herself that this is not the reality she was in, not the reality that deserved her.

the bed shifted and she stood up, cradling herself quietly as she walked over to the dresser.
a circular vintage-looking powder case was lifted from the drawer, shining a golden hue, seeming like a prized treasure to the young woman.

white lines are formed along the black mahogany dresser, creating a perfect contrast between light and dark.
this was what she wanted. what she needed. this is what made her smile.

when he wasn’t there,
she’d click her tongue,
seek warmth in her sheets,
wander around their home,
play with his favourite camera,
cry at the thought of him being angry,

panicking, breathing heavy, heart-racing and full of angst.

no, snow didn’t make her happy.
her sunshine did.

-

she woke up the next morning, her vision slightly blurring from burying herself face-first into the sea of cushions and blankets spread all over their bed.

“angel, you really need to stop turning to snow whenever you get lonely.”

something echoed from the bathroom next door. it’s a strong and masculine voice, reassuring her thoughts and snapping her back to reality. she smiled and grabbed a blanket, throwing it over her nimble frame as she walked towards the brightly-lit doorway.

“i’m sorry, miku.”

miku, the name she so adored. it rolled on her tongue like a sweet piece of jelly, soothing and rewarding. he loved her back just as much; whether it was her joyful smile whenever she accomplished something, her laughter when she failed, the determined glint in her eyes and most of all her sweet, almost-chaste kisses she gave him every single day.

“maria, i need your help.”

“with what?”

her voice curious, yet laced with slight worry.
their eyes met, his gaze softened. he turned and placed a hand on her cheek, stroking it thoughtfully.

“with a small job. something that would be fun to do together. i even got you a special present.” he gestured toward a small black case placed on the kitchen table. maria noticed that he had placed freshly bought roses in a vase on the table beside it as well.

the case revealed two bright-pink, shiny new Glocks, polished to perfection. maria let out an excited squeal before hugging mikula.

“come on now sweetie, we have to go.”

-

by the time they got back, it was already midnight. mikula wanted to sleep, tired from the night of blood and debauchery. maria on the other hand, was psyched up from the violence and excitement. she loved spending time with mikula as well as witnessing the art of his work.

the sight of the man squirming below mikula, trying to push the boot off which was crushing his chest, really excited maria. the way mikula scoffed at the man’s pleads for mercy, the way he scowled at the bargain for a higher lump sum of money in exchange for his target’s life. the way his pale grey eyes flashed with anger at the man for referring to her as a “sleezy ****** *****”.

“do i look like the kind of man that would be with a sleezy *****?”

the man didn’t answer, he could not muster the strength, let alone the courage to utter a single word.

“my sweet maria is not sleezy and she is definitely not a *****.” he pauses briefly, cocking the gun and pointing towards the man.

the man’s eyes widened in fear as mikula reached into his pocket and pulled out a pink switchblade, flicking it open and handing it to maria.

“i forgot to give you this little present, on top of those custom guns i ordered in.”

mikula watched her grin from ear to ear, studying the sharp object in her hand. it glistened in the dim light, making her heart thump with excitement. she heard music in her head as she kneeled down, the twisted smile growing wider and wider.

♫ babe you can see that I'm danger
glamorous but I'm deranged, yeah
teetering off of the stage, yeah
i said it really nicely so can you be my savior? ♫ *

a manical scream escaped her throat.
when she looked up and saw mikula smiling at her, it felt like the blood that had tainted her clothes was invisible ink.
her tongue glided across the surface of her lips, before spitting the mix of saliva and crimson onto the floor beside her.

♫ is it wro-wrong that I think it's kinda fun
when I hit you in the back of the head with a gun?
my daddy's in the trunk of his brand new truck
i really want him back, but I'm kinda outta luck. ♫

sometimes it gets old
watching you shed those clothes
in the light
every night

if i loved you,
maybe i'd marvel
like those men

but it feels so grotty
so sleezy

nothing like those fantasies
i used to have

you're mine but you're not
every night

you belong to everyone
but no-one

i try and i try and i try
to feel something

but you gave yourself away

Guida & Me drove up to the ***** D
In my whip there was co-pilot Bryx and Captain Sleezy E
We rolled up to my yerp bro Brad D's
Next were greeted by Dino whos drinking a 40
Labatt Blue bonging and ponging like were competing for beer drinking glory
Then its onto asweome fries, saganaki, and telling funny stories
That night was crazy and a definite blast
Woke up the next day to see Dino's Dad's spot and gasp!
Walk into the kitchen to see Grandma Rontondo cooking homemade marinara
Smelling fresher than the lobby inside of a Panera
Next it's downstaris to the "Thunderdome," mindblow is all I can tell ya!
The food was amazing with Uncle D on the grill
Sammy the Bull said "Plastic Cups!" so that was the deal
Party was wild, popping bottles in other words unreal
Zoo was great, conductor swag was for real
Tigers beat the Twins, and that night it was freestyling, speeches, and Labatts on chill
Like the words of Willie Nelson the ***** D stays on my mind
I'll never forget that trip like my brain is a VCR and has the element of rewind!

Sleezy Santa
drinking honey flavored
Jack,
straight from the bottle.
Ruining your Childhood
one large gulp at a time.
Chasing it with
Natural Light.
Oh the weather outside is frightful.
***** snow falling on
a ***** town.
The only way that drunkard got on the roof
is through liquid courage.
That **** is slippery
and one misstep means
** ** Hospital
for Jolly ole St. Nick.
The holiday season would be thrown through a loop
with Kris Kringle stuck in a coma.
Mrs. Claus is filling the papers for sole custody of the elves.
Happy Holidays.

Don’t tell me you love me.
Such things make me the shake.
My mind quakes and rattles and rolls as it unknowingly cooks up a bitter plan to turn your love into hate.
To turn those bright blue swimming pools of yours into the lowered shades I know how to deal with.
I can’t handle sweet honey dripping lips and lies of forever that taste just as sweet.
I’m broken and I will break you too
It’s what I do. Cause it’s all I know how to do to deal with a man who doesn’t lie or cheat or check out those cheerleaders ***** as they pass us, drooling like hunger recognizing a steak and looking back at me and seeing last weeks meatloaf.
I’m not used to a man who doesn’t tell me to paint myself up or trim myself down or even one that isn't at least a little like that one who told me I was lucky he looked twice. And I was, at the time, lucky he saw me because at that time I wasn’t seen by anyone. A ghost, haunting the classrooms and and halls, a blooming wall flower, growing up and around her dark little corner, tendrils arching away from the light. He was god, a pitying punk rock priest that put down the word and walked bravely into the dark twisting gardens. A martyr who took one for the team and decided to look the other way when faced with this and this and these…you know, for my sake.
I admit it, I’m bruised, battered  and beaten by those before you and you can’t expect a fair trial. I’ll do whatever I can to make you see what all the others saw. I will frame you like the pretty portrait you are putting the smoking gun in your hand telling you it’s your fault I pulled the trigger.
I try to be better but everyone knows I’m the worst, all bar room winks and smiles to just to test your line and flirting with a fate of dying alone cause I don’t want you holding my hand in public.
I couldn’t begin to tell you those deep down cravings for love. Those fears and tears that spill when no one is looking because I barley trust them to my tribe let alone a boy I barely met praising me as his one and only. A boy who can barely crawl into fray of my past issues. pages of time magazine caught in the wind each ad dawning a razors edge. cutting and tearing and stripping off the skin of anyone stupid enough to smell the buds in the middle of a brawl.
I admit it, I’m a fighter. I’ve been taught by bad teachers who make me believe that the second you take the time to find out the real me you’ll be gone. A shadow at high noon come and gone too soon thanking the lord you didn’t get in too deep before pulling yourself out.
Try not to get it twisted, I don’t hate the me deep down there but I do think it’s too much of me to ask you to peek in and be ok with that girl that can’t help but hide. That girl that talks tough but is sometimes scared of the dark that goes on and on forever inside. I don’t think she will ever meet anyone with open arms cause it’s easier to walk alone then be left behind.
I wanna believe in love, before the time has tick tocked away, leaving me the ancient spinner spinning long silken yarns about loves long lost and trying teach the young girls not to waste the years by talking the talk but not walkin the walk. I want to love and laugh and make memories but I'm afraid of choosing an end all be all just because I'm prone to some lonely nights.
so slow down speedy,  and put the *** on simmer. cause if you mean what you say and say only what you mean we got all the time in the world before those four little letters need to be added to the pallet to paint our perfect picture. don't ask for those hidden parts too quick and don't try and be slick, don't give me a sleezy cheesy come on baby please and please me. give us the time to grow and sew all the seeds that need to root before I know if you're for real or just another joker after the loot.

i cant get into any bars because im under age. none of my friends would take me anyways because i like to disco rave. people say i am sleezy and kind of weird, but they dont know the difference between here and there.

I'm feeling like a king on the top of the world.
On top of the world in the front of my mind
in the moment,
I can no longer hold my composure I've gotta expose it.

Dispose of demons,
drown em
Ima blow it and him out of the water and greet him.
Shake hands, meet him  |        my other half

The doubtful voice that refuses to believe in a laugh,
success, or happiness,
but I'm a pacifist
so I don't fight.
I just ask him this question
maybe to shed some light
on a subject matter that keeps me sweaty at night:
"Who are you, if not me?"

Some sleezy squeaky sounding ***** that's who you are you ******* ****.

Sorry, I can no longer comprehend what you're coughing up.

I'm over you,
        and your under me.
I'm inside out, and you've uncovered me.
Colored me vividly into the person that arose from my better half.

Because I'm better than that.

I'm better than doubt,
better than pity and running away from my problems

I'm better than tossing a lit cig in the middle of a Cali drought.

But I'm on fire, and I'm motivated.
This life, you and I we have co-created,
but no comprende when you tell me that I will not make it.
You ******* *****.
You're mine now, and I'm rich.
Full of fulfillment, and happiness.

So goodbye.
Goodbye, my other half. Demonic piece of trash.

You're gone and when it comes to the last man standing,
                 yes I'm that.

Scruffy and unkempt,
The manic look of someone who's stayed up 36 hours.
Still drove 10 hours for a bunch of strangers.
Had no idea what you were getting into.

A chance greeting of "Hello New Friend!",
The taking of an empty seat.
You had never cracked a bullwhip--I know, 'cause you confessed it.
Your mad scientist brain instantly found the perfect chemistry:
Bad jokes and photography.

A bit of flirting.
"I'm not looking for anything right now".
Still talking by the campfire at dawn,
Arms wrapped round for warmth.

You shoved your number in my pocket,
Hot pink marker scrawled on a scrap of paper.

Phone calls and g-chat.
Mostly **** jokes and bad music references.
Some serious stuff too..
Confessions--you're more 'you' around 'me'.

Midnight and both of us complaining-- not getting enough sleep.
Stretching it out until 1 AM, 2 AM, 3...
Left each other with squid-diddled desirous tentacles,
Havoc on our senses.
Senseless at work.

And you're actually being honest--don't have the backbone to lie.
You're not greedy, or sleezy, or trying to use me.
Course, you're killing me with those unsigned divorce papers...

No dreamer--realistic.
But ****** if you don't hit every weak spot.
Walls broken, just the hint of a smile.
**** good thing there's a few hundred miles between us.

Black and hell and triple ****..
..I miss you...
When are you coming back?

I want brass knuckles
to sport between back allies and gleam in the street light
a neon sign that says all boogie monsters beware
I want weapons to flash in the sight of men
while they try to peek up my skirt.
Let all boys know I'll shoot a pistol
before letting them near my ***** line.
Do all the things action movies told me to
in order to stay alive.
But my first abuser wasn't a shadow in the alley,
or a bruised and sweating testosterone filled brute.

She was a tiny, silly bird
that lit up a room with the colour of her feathers,
And a bubbling laughter like morning song.
She was a little girl
a damsel in distress
you'd want to cup your fingers around
to shield and protect.

But one night,
her songs spilled over her lips,
distorted through ***** filled breath.
Her thin limbs became persistent and demanding
in the face of an electrified buzz.
She was presented to me like a flower.

But when the truth came to her the next day
And it was forced into her mind
The petals didn't unfurl
The curled inward and shut
any intimate details snapped between the teeth
of the Venus flytrap.

Her guilt dissolved
Somehow putting me at fault
How dare I frame the gentle martyr.
What a mistake, that I made,
trying to force the blame
on a little girl, certainly not capable of ****** assault.

Why would anyone believe that
this pretty queer activist would try to **** this boy.
Not listen to the 'no',
in between insistence of her enthusiastic noise.

Why listen to petty rumors of her past
When she's offering you wide blue eyes,
freckles spread across her skin like stars in the sky,
and a giggle inviting you in between pink glossed lips?
Why bother paying attention to how touchy
she gets with alcohol
When shes telling you
you're the fairest of them all.
After all, she is not what the big bad wolf looks like.

She truly believes in her innocence,
She may even bring it up between drinks and activism.
Ignore the people she has pushed the boundaries of,
Ignore more than six people she's pushed under the rug,
The victims at parties who's mouths she's sewn shut.

All the ignorant she has under her thumb,
with all the people in the camp of:
"We like Moira, so she would never -
even though we weren't there,
and you're not the first to come forward."

I learned the hard way
that rapists aren't just sleezy men at bars.
They're girls with sweet smiles
that slip into your friend circle.

But they're also that guy
in the corner of a room at a dorm party.
Inviting you back to his room for a blunt
and doesn't expect you to leave til morning.

People who have respected my pronouns have ****** me over.
People I sleep in beds with.
People who assure their friends they'd never push for consent.
I still see the mutual friends we have on facebook.
Unapologetically smiling back at me from the computer screen.

They don't ask for details
as to keep their conscious clean.
They shy from those assaulter's shame
Because bliss is ignorance.
And because rapists can be hard to hate.

I know that it's tempting to ignore
an invasive touch for a pretty face.
But it feels like a kick to the stomach
hearing my best friend will be
sleeping at her boyfriends place
With my ****** abuser the next room over.

I don't know why people
don't see my story as legitimate
It was that boy's shoulder I first cried on
and now they're soon to be roommates.

Do people wish that badly to believe in fairy tales?
That the bad guys are always obvious and ugly
and easy to despise.
The heroes are always the beautiful ones
who never dare lie?
No, they're the people who make their way
into your lives.
The people you like
The people who get close.
Who hear you cry.

I want to defend myself from those villains
but I don't have the benefit of x-ray vision.
I can't see through their trust-worthy mask.
I don't need knives and guns and broken glass,
Just friends who have my back.

Take no ****.
And be there for me,
Listen and believe
when people speak up
about *** crimes in emergencies.
**** is not a joke.

It isn't a mistake made by accident.
It's a conscious choice to ignore someones voice,
And decide your ****** desires,
are more important than someone's ****** autonomy.

Twice now I've been violated
By supposed friends trying to take my off my clothes,
and not listening to my 'no's.
Twice now I've seen people stand by them
and try to silence the truth,
Cover up all the abuse,
but make no excuse:

There's a wolf amongst your flock
A thorny rose in your garden.
And uprooting me for dealing with that *****
Instead of nipping that problem in the bud
Is not going to keep you safe from harm.
It may put your mind at ease
But only temporarily.
It does no good just to silence the alarm.

Would you share a moment with me, over some herbal tea?
Take a walk verbally, make a bond certainly cause’ in my
hand I bet your hand would fit perfectly. Its like we floatin in
space when you flirtin with me, can’t believe the moments we
have, don’t wanna move to quick, but honey without you I’d
be sick. I’m saying this from the heart best believe it from
the start, with you in mah life, I wanna make you mah wife.
Don’t think just react it makes it easier in fact, you look
better with no make up on I hope you don’t take it wrong.
When the sun sets upon your eyes, your beauty becomes
disguised hidden in between the feelings of lust and love, I
can fall for you with just one shove. Getting swallowed in the
waves of commotions I can’t help to feel these emotions, I get
lost for for words tryin to describe your curves. Not in a sleezy
way because I like how gentleman play, not in such a style to drive
these ladies wild, but with such manner and bliss he plants one kiss.
Upon the lips of beautiful lady who isn’t so shady, upon the woman
with class which any man shouldn’t pass, upon the one with the big
dreams which have no seems. With just one kiss he knows he can’t
miss, the love of his life that will soon be his wife.

If I could tell you how I feel,

It would probably hurt you.

It's the last thing I want to do,

But I'm being pulled like a rope.

To stay or go? How do I know?

This decision will not be easy

I don't want you to think I'm sleezy

i think the problem was a shocking surprise
your grass was always greener on the other side
the grass here, it was not perfect,no
but its still more than you were deserving of though
the things i dreamt of before  the chippy
rush away in the wind,its just whipping
whipping down and off my balcony
whipping it around in a bittersweet symphony
whipping it around right back at my face
just like you did its a ******* disgrace
the good new for me though is things have changed
i am not the same girl that youd thought id remain
im stronger,and better,for all that you did.
you are not you now,not to me
now you're just one of "them"
them.
the word i despise
the herd they all follow
with secrets and lies
the sheepherd that stumbles their pathetic lives
and i have to say i am not surprised
dissapointed,well,yes
but i knew all along i called you on it
your denial ran so deep you believed your own lies
my so called soul-mate is just another guy
and that thing,that unrealistic fairytale you claim is void
i can almost feel it so loud is the noise
so loud is my heart telling me hes out there
and he wont lie,or hit,and his words wont despair
so deep, so lovely,so pure and true
and im sorry but now that could never be you
i went from sad to bitter to nothing
and thats why now when i write it will be about something
my words just as beautiful as my kind heart
you are undeserving of them buddy and thats only a start
oh hes out there just trust me he is
and youll still be hopping from flea to skizz
from sleezy to trampy to **** videos
and i will be doing art and poetry shows
i will be where i belong, and you will too
where the grass grew
the grass we talked on the grass we played with
it is brown and withered and **** near dead
but i suppose that is what i get
should have fished with a worm and not a net
a net catches garbage,things left behind
but a worm,thats the true blue fish that i will find
there are fish and water where that grass grew
and this is the end,im starting anew
enjoy your petty sick little games
in a year i wont even remember your name
and you wont remember mine, because your a memeber of the herd for show
but trust me you will sir,remember my soul
my eyes my smile my laugh my fun
my honesty,integrity,and my son
my mother my father my brother my dog
yes,even aries will go along
for the trip that you take to visit me from long ago
and youll be sitting where the grass grows
the grass only grows in your memories now
and you only think of me alone in your house
that girl you once knew when you were young
and will you consider that you were dumb
to give up green grass, for grass on the other side
and while you chased the brown grass, my love for you died
the brown grass is everywhere its a million the same
but the green grass,me and chippy will remain
in your memory, in your mind,when things get quiet
i know you'll think of it like a riot
youll wish you could go back and start anew
where YOUR former green grass once grew
where the grass grew back on the other side
where the flowers grew wild and were so alive
now you smell sulfur and cheap perfume
around tons of people but alone in a room
youll someday feel really blue
about where your green grass once grew.
where the grass grew. where the grass grew. its a memory now
and you cant forget you dont know how
all you know is its heartbreaking how much you miss it too
where the grass grew,where to grass grew.

Spit it out in a spray of characters,
Shuffle those thoughts onto coherent lines
Share your pain
The ****** purge
The biting bile rising
The filthy **** of
Disparagement
Legs spread wide
Slippery wet ploys
sleezy
Manipulative cuntery
The rotting festering ire
******* on the page
The purge
The last word
Leave it here, the rage
The injustice the disrespect
The insolence All left here
On this ******* page.

I circle °§° when I'm attending to high priority problem solving...I get that "call", comes at any hour all the time.  
I am a creative, straightforward problem solver, of that I serve a Use.
I don't sugar coat or concern myself with asinine diplomacy when what needs to be done takes precedence over graceful depositary.
  
I'm the bullseye solution spokeswoman, I see past the distractive story, connect the dots, then go in for the **** of the comfort zone, I do not speak enchanting hokee, to smooth the shock of my delivery.
  
I Call it Out for What it is, then lock my eye on each target who owes explanation to my Question, I go down the board until I'm satisfied, Cold Silence lets them shiver just enough to feel the Cold Choices they sold, then I sit and smile with ease, and Offer plausible suggestions to **** the problem, fast, and with no remorse for their poor professional Choice.

We reconvene within the hour.
I listen to their fumbled excuses, but they always impress with a touching integrity, owning their choices made for reasons I understand, but will not stand...
"Gotta keep the Machine running, even when it's broken."
  
I receive official plan of action which I must always find compromise...but immediate action is immplemented, when I get my way, The take down hits'em where it hurts, the sleezy ****...
the **** is no small fish, the **** are the bleep bleep bleep with sanctioning power, so deft proceedings must start the the transition within reasonable forecast and market stability, but last 8 months showing progressive movement towards bleep bleep speaks louder, never trust the newscasters story, bleep bleep, it's looking like we will pull through, but turbulence is never far away.
  
Buckle up, stay cool, this baby  is clear for landing and a safe arrival.

Still I will °§° circle, seems spinnings my thing.

Break to planned position...

Toes curl like my furled eyebrows
Note left on the coffee table
Musky dust in the air sets the scene:
Cough cough
A sleezy jumper cable
Laid down in a thin moat surrounding my feet
Boats don't float in fleece sheet fleets
Astride rippley waves of murky sand
I sink up to my throat the grass grows
Into my nose

serious swagger weighted gait
Heavy ***** hard left side sway
Gritty sleezy slicked back style
Contagious beautiful easy smile
Stone cold **** mega rockstar status
Smooth icy cool on stage backlit
Fortunate fellows follow his fate
Perfectly posed and pleasently fake
Every inch and word portrays a studious
Headliner of untold fame
Gold lined suited Taylored and primed
the spotlight gazes for him to find

That night before I left my class
I noticed you
But was not creeped out.
For you were cute
With your electric blue hair
And your ****** piercings
That and you were my age.
When I  left
I grabbed your wrist
To you to an alley
To make out with you
I asked if you were ok before kissing
You told me that you lost
A fight
In a sleezy fight club
Usually I don’t allow that
But apart of me felt
Sorry for you.
So we shared a kiss
Your lip piercings sent me
Into a passionate frenzy
The kissing got heavier
And we started to embrace
And feel eachother up
We whispered to eachother
As we made out
You whispered that
Your friend got you into
The fighting scene.
I thought so
Because you were gentle
Sweet
Awkward
And loving
Yet slow.
When we parted
Your name was Boris
And my name was Claudia.
With in a month
We kept meeting like this
Until you gave me a home
In your ****** appartment.
We were in love.

This love. Consumed by reality. I've lost all gravity. I won't tip my hat that easy. Too many sleezy greasys getting their hair lubed up too easy. Where's the mechanic to repair this despair and iron our lulus affairs, I'd like to smoke a cigar with the mayor and ask him of his cares. We can only hope that one day their wealth is shared. Life is just not fair that's why dance and prance and glance at a new stance of romance. We won't find the *** of gold until we take a chance. Tear up the pants. Take a second glance and look all around you, this is Paradise, climb a tree to see wise, come over at 3 I'll make you some rice, don't dare to act twice, once is enough to hear the Volcanoe rawr. The little weezles implore to conquer a new score, sit back relax and just soar.  I weep to sleep. Let's trash the creep. The hills to steep but this riselience is summit deep. The old Hatter takes her needle to sow and reep, classic skills to perceive so neat, you mustn't forget to wash your feet. Save your brilliance for in between the sheets. **** the Twitter birds tweets, too much blabber, not enough gladier., walkity walk walk, put a boot in your talk talk. A chicken goes boc boc, so shut it before you get **** socked

swipey swipey left or righty
I could do this all freakin nighty
I'll never call you, never text
I know you're all just after ***
boys are silly girls are too
they want true love but a ****** will do
easy peasy lemon squeezy
nobody thinks this stuff is sleezy?

There was more world out there to explore
He has his skills and talent that went unnoticed
He was tired of being trapped when all he wanted was to be free
Always happy no one was happy for him
They only noticed when he made a mistake
He don't like how they tried to shake their heads
Trying working twice as hard to come out even
He prefer classy and sassy over sleezy and easy that usually came his way
Lived and learned grew all this happened shaping and helping him grow
He was already to go while his peeps where a no show so he had to go at it alone
He'd call them but no response their phone was in their hand
He got use to being ignored and not one to give into demands
If he returned the favor he'd be hate so he didn't play games just walked away to focus on what mattered

I’ll never show it to you personally but remember what lies in this vessel
The tears of an aura made in constant heckles

The wells behind my eyelids can no longer contain
What they always attempt to maintain
The failing membrane
Who’s only connect is the end game

Now passing by makes me. Feel shame
I Relive trauma in an area. I feel insane

As I lay all I can think about is the act of disappearance
As my tears blur my vision and give me no clearance
See I got lost
But Mostly in my thoughts
Because the endurance of bartering the validation of my emotions has a cost

And with that many things changed
Soon they’ll be a shift when somebody calls my name
Because I can’t answer the same
and anger builds up until we burn in pouring rain

Lately it’s been effortless to cry
My emotions connect quickly as if satly tears were identical to the blue sky
It's also been easier to speak my mind
But sometimes my sight goes blind
And I look back the situations on high
But to be talked to in a way where I feel disrepected I cannot comply

In true I don't appreciate the way people treat me
Forever blissful days until you beat me
Where I felt uneasy
And you treated me like I can't get sleezy

and I'll never hold bad blood again
But after all I've done how could you treat me so poorly then

It always ends up being the ones closest to you
With pain.. When it comes to this ill act like I never knew you


Pt.2

Remember I said it’s hard to show it to you personally if I share all that lies in this vessel..

The reason I retreat
That often looks like defeat
And my plummeting confidence that glued my eyes to the floor like feet

There’s so much I could say to you that would ease any suspicion
The reason I move how I do travels back to being Christian
If I was in a space to show you Lenora I would
Given that’s the entity you want to know and I want you I should
Every moment I think to touch you
And you run through my mind crashing like boulders once sudle
If you had a sneak peek at how I live
When you ask not for dominance but to be assertive
My *** drive all time high
And I only want to look into your eyes
But it seems I’ve been terrified to touch
I know that it deals with my past traumas and such
All the time I want it
Even though it’s not the persona that flaunts it

Most times I sit in silence not because I have nothing to say
But because I spend hella time in my brain
I have so many responses
And many different voices in my conscious
But it’s almost as if I’ve been trained to be silent
And to unlock a true voice you must find it

My mind stumbles around the end game
As if I pass the talking stage
And never make it to a hall of fame
When they claim im some sort of a trophy
But I retreat because people make me feel like there only trying to rope me
in…