i don't know how i felt this way,
i don't know why i feel this way,
you're dull, somedays -
act out, somedays
waiting for something different, i pace up and down
temptation is so strong, somedays
i didn’t mean for it to be
i didn’t mean to die
quite like that
cover you in
hold you in
be the one
she's working for me
got her on the couch now
her head between my thighs
i swear don't move
i just shake
i love my job
days like this
takes me nearer
helps me breathe
give me confidence tonight,
tomorrow could lead
god - take me away
i want your silent revolutionary care
i want to be held
by you tonight
the more I tried to fix things;
the more they’d shatter
- i kept running from something
away from myself
to let go would be to fall into submission,
to admit what i feel
would be too much -
vulnerability left behind
i’m not like her
now it’s quiet -
no heartbreak, drama or fights
the worlds spins silently
now she’s been left behind.
A monologue from my upcoming web series, Talks
a number of times the bell tolls for who we are and what we became -
you're the placid glimpse into my future
I hold onto like an ink-less pen.
tell me you need me, if you have the heart to.
still, i wait - i pace.
needing to know the right way to look,
the right way to think.
a backstreet stranger tells me you're gone but i don't listen,
a flickering streetlight tells me I'm lonely
and a patter of rain beckons me inside
- but the sign of the lighthouse,
tells me you still could be mine.
dashing down the coastline,
like a bitter dog in the flickering damp.
drinking all I fathom to stay in grace.
not a single word could revive you now.
I stay silent.
i let the waves embrace me with a withering sadness, as on my knees, i fall into the sea.
the damp sand caresses my feet as they sink into sanctuary - I cower, praying to the moonlight you would come home.
A monologue from my upcoming webseries 'Talks'
If I had to give a reason for why I had to make her leave me – it was easy. For a start, I couldn’t leave her. It was impossible for me – yet to push her over the edge was the easiest thing in the world, to force her to hate me so much she would never come back. Now, the reason I wanted her to leave me was obtuse, narcissistic and insane – I blamed her. It was her fault I hadn’t made a movie yet, written a book, travelled the world. It must’ve been her fault cos it sure as hell wasn’t mine.
After a drink, my savoir and solace – it spiralled into my lap that way, into ease. I didn’t even have to try, for in a way the intoxicated infected brain tried to teach me what was right – what I meant and what I could never let go. The darkest corners of oblivion took over me.
It happened so much more quickly than I could ever imagine. She cut me straight like a knife, like I never could. Like all the years, all the days, all the affection meant nothing. It could never have been so easy for me and the rejection that dawned was something I was untouched by – until this moment. And it hurt like a razor skimming your ankle. Like a cut to the throat.
Luckily, sadness fuels something else in me. A desire I was chasing, a desire to be everything I had ever wanted.
I spent so long trying to break free yet all I’m left with is sadness, isolation and regret.
I want you back like nothing I’ve ever felt before.