Her titillating tattoo
tantalizes me deeply,
to the tenth degree. I see
it as I slip her silk dress
slowly down her left shoulder.
A lizard lying on a
boulder, contrasting with her
silky smooth soft snowy skin.

I kiss her shoulder, and she
shudders and sighs a deep sigh.
Goosebumps rise up her body
as a sturdy gust seizes
the moment. The forest we
make love in quakes and shakes
as she shivers and quivers
under the touch of my hands.

My left hand holds her upper
arm, while my right grips her hips.
She closes her eyes, smiling,
giggling in amusement.
I spin her slowly ‘round, and
look into her hazel eyes,
her soft ******* and thighs against
mine for warmth and gentle touch.

I kiss her lips. Strawberry.
And we slide down to the ground.
The scariness we have found
slips away in our grace. We
sinners share our shame, our lust,
and come to a conclusion,
and bust each others doors down,
sweet ****** on this cold ground.

I went to the animal park,
I saw a tiger, in the park,
I looked at his eye, and
I was scared and came off.

The tiger eye, it is scary eye,
Slowly the scariness disappeared,
As I was looking into the eye,
Tiger eye gave me strength,
Tiger eye gave me hope.

I felt very courageous and strong,
I think this tiger spell a cast on me,
With his eyes and made me brave.
when I opened my eyes I saw the tiger
Sitting next to me, in my bed.

This was my grandchild's big tiger,
which looks exactly like a real tiger,
Then I remembered, telling the story  
to my child about the heroic act,
of the tiger and I realized my dream.
Adikaran19/02/12

Sleep deprivation

***

Guilt

Sense-making and maps of meaning

Revisiting memories

Crying

Staying away from scary corners of my mind

Deliberately going toward scariness

Not resisting

Yes resisting

Respecting resistance

Compulsive tv watching

Dropping or letting go over and over again

Exploring

Curiosity

Forgetting and then remembering that it’s all happening on its own, noticing this, knowing this, realizing this

Realizing that realization comes and goes on its own

Being in love with everything

Crying

Playing with time and concepts

Craving emptiness

Love

Catastrophizing

Ranking what "works" (i.e. sleep deprivation is effective), noticing that the metric of “effective” and "works" is = resulting in greater illusions of "forgetting" with a capital F

Loving everything

Being everything

Self-flagellation

Not really believing any of the stories or narratives

Procrastinating

Being irresponsible

Getting off on self-loathing

Forcing intimacy

Compassion, large, whole, unrelenting, everywhere

Oversharing

Falling in love with a homeless person at a traffic stop

Being bored and sad and hopeless and desperate

Remembering inherent wholeness

Being stubborn

Getting out of the way always feels like dying

Loving dying

Loving mourning dying

Dramatizing dying

Wanting to be seen and loved

Self-loathing

Intensity

Craving intensity

Hating craving intensity

Knowing that nothing is a problem

Suffering

Being impatient

Being very very patient

Feeling like I don’t belong in the world, like people and things and money and social media are alien, foreign and scary

Feeling like I am the world

Forgetting that knowing how to verbalize isn’t the same as knowing

Wanting knowing with words to be the same as Knowing

Wanting knowing to be a Real, solid thing

Fear

Mortal fear

Bewilderment

Constant background anxiety

Hating this body

Not caring for this body

Being burdened by this body

Feeling trapped in a body

Feeling more trapped in a mind

Wanting knowing to resolve everything

Wanting to be saved

Thinking that I probably don’t need to be saved

Thinking or knowing(?) there’s nothing to be saved from

Knowing that I can’t be saved

Feeling open

Feeling vulnerable

Feeling exposed

Feeling bad

Feeling like I'm doing it wrong

Believing it all

Wanting to both believe it and have a choice about when, where, and to what extent I believe it

Not knowing where the edge is until I've fallen off

Feeling violated

Feeling like existence is non-consensual

Somehow trusting all of it, totally, exactly as it is

Watching the panicking

More crying

Being one

Being very very aware

Noticing and letting go of effort in one swift move

Compulsive clenching

Compassion

Dissolving

Disillusion

Dying without the novelty

Being ok vey very briefly and for no apparent reason/because of no reason./?

Wanting distraction

Respecting needing distraction

Getting out of the way of intelligent coping mechanisms

Villifying coping mechanisms

Understanding only in retrospect

Frustration

Compassion, deep, like warm water

Compassion, hard, like being ****** vey very slowly

Torture

Life-giving torture

Never wanting to stop

Marveling

Abundance like grace, like not deserving, like not needing to be deserving, like deserving is perverse language

Tasting everything

Endless kaleidoscopes of being and tasting and knowing

Non visual seeing

Clarity, brightness, nothing is a problem

Being alive

Being sososo tired

Wanting to rest, to die into void and nothing

Wanting to hibernate

Wanting to still

Dying to get off

Begging to get off

Finding the edge more thrilling than the center (because then the center can be anything at all?)

Loving all the previous versions of this being

Needing to hate, loathe, earlier renditions of this being

Hating repulsion

Trusting repulsion

Getting stuck because resisting repulsion

Knowing that there's no way out

Knowing that the way out that I'm seeking isn't a way out

Not wanting to do the work

Dancing around the center, constantly

Feeling dizzy with chaos, with knowledge of power

Feeling comfortable with mediocrity

Hating mediocrity

Waking up with jaw tension from the enormity of my own suppressed power

Telling stories about sensations

Relying on self-bullying methods I know don't work

Perfecting the art of pretending

Perfecting the art of self-deception

Wanting to make the stakes higher

Being overwhelmed by my own storytelling

Not wanting to give stories credibility by dispelling them

Naval gazing

Loving philosophy

Feeling dried up, tired, stagnant, disinterested, not engaged, not here.

Sleepwalking. Sleep writing. Sleep talking. Sleep caring

Not sleeping

Vivid dreaming

High weirdness

Questioning my sanity

Romanticizing insanity

Wanting to blur all boundaries

Wanting to smooth the edges of reality

Questioning reality

Destabilizing reality

Feeling destabilized

Feeling irresponsible

Guilt

Feeling sick and tired

Feeling scared

Feeling hopeless

Wanting to reach out

Feeling like everything is inevitable

Feeling like suffering is inevitable

Recognizing kindness

Discerning well (properly? Clearly? Well.)

Fearful trusting

Thinking too much

Not wanting to love my dad as much as I do.

Chasing the intellectual high

Disappointment

No need for resolution

Feeling caught in existence

Feeling caught up. Like in a potato sack; I can explore the exact measure of my confinement, the sensorial elements, the scratchiness, the filtering light from the outside, the stagnation, the wanting to stretch.

I love this being.

This. It's not a problem.

Confusing familiarity with comfort

Confusing comfort with peace

Reifying confusion, but not really

Yielding, on my knees, heart to the sky

Seeing through, like pinholes in a perfectly realistic backdrop

Dispelling everything

Stripping away the Stripping away

Trying to stand still and feel

Wanting to be convinced by rage

Always loving Sad, not despondent, just sad

Feeling continuous

Feeling fragmented

Feeling like motion, like flow

Feeling like thousands of still frames, constant flickering

Grasping at impermanence

Resting in the middle

Dancing down the tightrope

Knowing perfect poise, so so brief

Everything is hysterically funny

Hysterically

But also just plain humorous

And absurd

Loving people

Feeling grateful for people

Seeing beauty everywhere

Always coming back

Like an epic

Like a great love story

Like a violin solo in a forbidden song

Like the last wring of that silk dress you're not supposed to squeeze dry

Knowing the inside of my hand

Knowing teenage shame

Knowing being yelled at, towered over, by my dad, in a narrow
hallway, eyes glued to speckled floor tiles, feeling small, nowhere to go

Loving with my body, with my hands, with my mouth, with my whole entire strong soft body

Crying with tears, and snot, and heaving

Becoming one single, concentrated point

Wanting to envelope everything. Really. Actually. With my body.

I am not this voice

Or this writer

Or this narrator

Though I am also all that

Its 1:31 AM, I’m awake on a Sunday night having just finished a sad movie. I must be an emotional wreck because I usually don’t write like this unless I feel deeply sad in my heart. Its weird how its touch and go, how one minute I’m sad and the next I’m nervously smiling watching the crowd in a nostalgic happiness. For some odd reason I’m crying, earlier today I was at a concert, and then afterwards my mother brought me to an over 21 bar. I’m barely over 17, and I realized in that moment next year I would be an adult. A free, unbounded, set on adventures full blown adult; and yeah I felt excited but the worst part was that unbearable scariness clenching my soul telling me unknown is upon me. I’m very odd like that; while my exterior emanates pure bliss my interior can have a billion thoughts of terror and fear of the unknown, a silent battle on a happy vessel.  I’m trying to keep it together here, but here I am almost 2 am on a school night crying my eyes out for nothing and poring my heart out into a poorly written letter to myself. I’ll probably stay up all night because at this point will be extremely tired either way. Sometimes I regret ever taking AP and honors classes, they take up so much of my vacant time, and I always end up procrastinating till the end of me and it hurts so bad. One day I think the stress will be all too much for me, I’ll have pulled out all my eyelashes, picked off every last bump, and silently cried my last tear, and I’ll just vanish into an endless sea of sleep. I hope that never happens though, because for some odd reason I always seem to thrive in these stressful times, I mean sure my coping mechanisms stress me out even more but I survive. I hope the next time I feel like writing it won’t be spur of the moment 2 am because I really need my beauty sleep. It goes without saying that I am a very shallow *****, I am rude and arrogant and intelligent and annoying, but without any of those qualities my life would be impossible. I probably would’ve offed myself by now if I didn’t have a way to cope, if anyone who knows me is reading this you should know how deeply sad I am yet how unbearably happy I am at the same time. I love the time when I wake up and I just want to roll over and sleep again, the moment when my whole outfit screams my name and I feel the best kind of sexiness, when I finally get that math problem or I am full speed ahead in all my classes, you have no idea how happy I am when I hang out with a family member or on rare occasions a friend. How sad it makes me when my sister pushes me around, yet how happy I am that she is still to date my best most wonderful friend in the entire world and there is no way that I would ever be able to survive without her in my life. Now I’m a sobbing mess, over a rude sister, wow how ******* my perspectives of the world are. There is no way I would trade her for anything in the world, her natural beauty and grace, her constant fighting spirit, and her wonderful and unattainable intelligence because there is no way I will ever be as smart as her and no matter what I will always look up to and in to her. This is not a love letter, more a jumbled mess of sad and happy words all mixed together desperate to sort itself out. Scared of the future yet so unbearably yearning for it, what a terribly numb life it hurts so bad it makes me happy to be alive. I could be a sullen gloomy mess of a girl yet my life revolves around the simple fact that I am happy, and no matter what diagnosis or what condition I will always be happy.

There was a little boy
who was so sad and so scared
all he could do was be grown up all day
(or as grown up as he knew how).
That was how he could
keep wading through the sadness and
climbing over the scariness
while keeping his eyes on the important stuff
while keeping his mind off the sad and scary stuff.

But eventually he got to end the day, and
that’s when he turned off the light and laid down.
That’s when the sadness and scariness grew louder -
so loud that his eyes couldn’t stay on the important stuff,
cos they were closed.

In fact, it was in his sleep
that the sad stuff and scary stuff grew more important
and the other stuff
(you know, the friendships and the purpose-ness),
well, that became like a dream
– and not a good dream.

The weird thing was that
the more he lay with his eyes closed, and
the more he got to rest his eyes
on the sad and the scary,
the more tired he got and
the harder it got
to lift his eyes and
to lift his feet and
the easier it was
to roll away.

If that had been the end of the story,
then it would have fed the sad and scary
and the boy would have never got to
lift his eyes and
lift his feet ever again.

So, we can’t let this be the end. Cos if
‘it will be alright in the end’
and it isn’t alright yet,
then it’s not the end, is it?

So, let’s all write some more.

I want to change.
You want me to change.
There’s a security in the old me.
I try to change.
You try to change me.
There’s a predictability in the old me.
I’ve changed a little – a little.
You’ve changed me – a little.
There’s a scariness in the new me.
I will change.
You will not accept.
There’s an uncertainty in change.
I have changed.
You have changed.
We don’t know what to do about it.
Perhaps what was worse is better.
I want someone new in me.
Do you?

© Lewis Bosworth, 2013

I am the night sky .
I was once  a glorious morning , that turned into a radiant show of colors and promise .
But I slowly turned into darkness.
Dark and Eerie , but graciously lightened by the twinkling lights spread across the midst of my questionably drastic existence.
You were like the stars , shooting , falling and shining throughout me .
You danced upon the surface of my skin , and brightened my presence .
You took the darkness , the scariness , and turned me into a peaceful and beautiful backdrop behind the utterly disgusting world we lived in .
You used the the touch of your light to make me seem so much better .
You hid the bad things , like my thoughts and words to make me seem okay , more okay than I was .
You were like the stars in this way ..
like how they pressed light into the darkness forcing people to forget what things happen at night .
Murders , theft , **** , heart break , suicide , kidnaps , etc .
People seem to forget these things .
Just because there is light , it doesn't mean the darkness won't persevere .
Just because you managed to come into my life , bring out a slight smile now and then .. maybe even a big one , it didn't make me okay .
You were like the stars in the way they shine for so long , so bright , so beautifully .
You were like the stars in the way their light , slowly but suddenly reached the earth all in one time , and how Your appearance seemed to be around night and after night  .
You see , the soft and seemingly beautiful light brought by the stars only shines for a while.
Eventually it fades , but no one realizes because it takes approximately 50,000 years later for the light to truly go out , at least to us .
And that's only for stars closest to earth.  
The oblivious people in the world come to know later that you were gone.
Gone to them as much as you were to me .
You , just like your promises of making everything better , and how you would stay forever , Would Eventually  fade into a complete black ball of nothingness .
Or in our reality a pile full of lies .
The impressions of the light wouldn't last forever , just how your attempts to drag out the better in me would fail , then disappear all together .
You were like the stars .
The rest of the world was like the earth.
I was like the night sky .
I would fade from a beautiful morning,  to a radiant sunset , to a beautiful night sky and after billions and billions of years,  a ******* canvas of nothingness , just pure black .
Because like how the light of the stars fade ,
Your promised did to , along with your love and presence .
Sending me into the physical and emotional state of being jet - black .
Just like a starless sky .
I was once the night sky ,
Now I am the darkness .

I sit looking at the evidence
The evidence of your rejection
The rejection that I feel strongly
That you repeatedly inject in me
While pretending everything's normal

I told you you'd hurt me
You didn't see how you could
But now it's indeed happening
Much to your obliviousness
And you don't seem to care
Because to you, effort is a myth

I told you there'd be a change
I see it clearly, I feel it strongly
Now that my eyes have been opened
And my heart deeply cracked open
By the strong feelings you said you held

With you there's no consistency
It's a sharp fluctuation
From the scalding heat
To the freezing cold
From the strongest of holds
To the scariness of the free falls
From the deep focused attention
To the profound callousness

You ignite the mixture of emotions
That gives rise to the confusion
Cutting deeper each day
Making the toxicity come alive
With no way to get back to health
Because the torch has already been lit

These thoughts of insanity
Lurk in my head
so much so
it feels as if I'm brain dead.
I shouldn't want that
I shouldn't do that
But who the **** dictates
what I can have under my hat?
I knew it was wrong
I know it's not right
but I'm so ****** up
I want to get in a fight.
I don't think it's attention
I don't seek to be known
But there is some connection
I want to sit on a throne.
I feel I know right
I know I am law
**** the old white men
who have all the flaws
The scariness of it all
But what even is fear?
**** everything,
it's nothing I want to hear
These pains in my chest won't leave
And I don't know the cause
Maybe it's just my thoughts
travelling through my body making me pause.

Within the withered wilderness lies one hundred woodland trees.. whistling with ferocity amidst the chilly wind’s freeze.. yet I wander thru the blighted brazen up to my knees..alas an ambience of witchery is very ill at ease..

Is it just my imagination or have those trunks got eyes ? Or perhaps my loneliness was not wise ? As I try not to look at the limbs laughing disguise.. This element of scariness is not a surprise..Oh ferocious forest please show me some sympathy.. lead me through your darkness to seek out empathy.. I am trying to ignore your loud and clear signs of unpleasantry..Please lift me out to sought salvation amongst this clutter of complexity