"hospitalizations" poems

My hands shake so much that every time I touch glass, it breaks and leaves blood running through the lines in my palms. This has happened so often that my psychic tells me she's unable to tell my future because the lines in my hands are so stained that they can't be read anymore. You see, what she's really trying to tell me is that my psyche is so damaged from lack of oxygen due to drowning in this anxiety. So don't you dare call this femininity because it isn't very womanly to crave unconsciousness any time I'm alone. If femininity is synonymous with being beautiful then tell me how it's beautiful to have attempted to die twenty-one times, Or how two hospitalizations lead me out of the waters of my depression but yet still left me drowning in the ocean with anxiety. This is not feminine and this is not beautiful, this is my mother screaming that I'm crazy and my father claiming "we're only doing this because we love you," This is my anxiety and I in a water-filled box that decreases in size until my head is crammed against the top and the only way I can go is down, This is my anxiety tied like bricks to my ankles with the sole purpose of holding me under; This is NOT womanly or feminine or beautiful. So I beg of you, do not refer to me with metaphors about bodies of water because I don't need a reminder to let me know I'm drowning, My ****** hands tell me enough about that.

0

Mar 20, 2016

Mar 20, 2016 at 6:45 PM UTC

biblioism

"Drowning is a feminine way to die," but drowning in anxiety doesn't seem to be so feminine.

My hands shake so much that every time I touch glass, it breaks and leaves blood running through the lines in my palms. This has happened so often that my psychic tells me she's unable to tell my future because the lines in my hands are so stained that they can't be read anymore. You see, what she's really trying to tell me is that my psyche is so damaged from lack of oxygen due to drowning in this anxiety. So don't you dare call this femininity because it isn't very womanly to crave unconsciousness any time I'm alone. If femininity is synonymous with being beautiful then tell me how it's beautiful to have attempted to die twenty-one times, Or how two hospitalizations lead me out of the waters of my depression but yet still left me drowning in the ocean with anxiety. This is not feminine and this is not beautiful, this is my mother screaming that I'm crazy and my father claiming "we're only doing this because we love you," This is my anxiety and I in a water-filled box that decreases in size until my head is crammed against the top and the only way I can go is down, This is my anxiety tied like bricks to my ankles with the sole purpose of holding me under; This is NOT womanly or feminine or beautiful. So I beg of you, do not refer to me with metaphors about bodies of water because I don't need a reminder to let me know I'm drowning, My ****** hands tell me enough about that.

12

There is a road to sorrow. The pain is palpable; it involves drugs, ***** and bad women. It ends with life under a bridge. There are lots of hospitalizations. It's hell on earth. Seizures and sickness. Love was my haven, but I lost it. I left ME behind.

0

Feb 12, 2023

Feb 12, 2023 at 6:58 AM UTC

thomas-w-case

Palpable Pain

There is a road to sorrow. The pain is palpable; it involves drugs, ***** and bad women. It ends with life under a bridge. There are lots of hospitalizations. It's hell on earth. Seizures and sickness. Love was my haven, but I lost it. I left ME behind.

15

How many has it been, One, 2, Three? How Many Outpatients More Than 9. How many hospitalizations Like 2 How many therapist 7 Phycatrist, counselors, etc ? So So many. Here I am going once again for the Fourth time To residential rehab. They say I need more time For a mind so ill like mine. 6 months or a year To be fine. The frustration that I get from not able to do right Tournaments me I kust want to be set free and fly

0

Jan 25, 2015

Jan 25, 2015 at 5:58 AM UTC

Pearlsmoke

Rehab Again

How many has it been, One, 2, Three? How Many Outpatients More Than 9. How many hospitalizations Like 2 How many therapist 7 Phycatrist, counselors, etc ? So So many. Here I am going once again for the Fourth time To residential rehab. They say I need more time For a mind so ill like mine. 6 months or a year To be fine. The frustration that I get from not able to do right Tournaments me I kust want to be set free and fly

20

The Illness You spend exponentially All services of every cell in your body For years To keep an ill one alive Possible prolonged moments of happiness and hope trickle in Between the hospitalizations Your spending is what you find out He doesn’t trust. What one finds out Is ones unprepared-ness My son wants to claim his life For himself, to which could be his end or not. Like the breaking egg, beak first Or sunlight cracking through trees Where light comes out and gives birth With uneven decisions Will I live? And what IS living with a chronic diease like? What he believes is not that he doesn’t trust you, He just wants to trust himself. What other choice in the insanity defense is there That would be as human, then giving freedom of choice to him.

0

Jul 3, 2022

Jul 3, 2022 at 3:18 PM UTC

Highwireart

The Illness

The Illness You spend exponentially All services of every cell in your body For years To keep an ill one alive Possible prolonged moments of happiness and hope trickle in Between the hospitalizations Your spending is what you find out He doesn’t trust. What one finds out Is ones unprepared-ness My son wants to claim his life For himself, to which could be his end or not. Like the breaking egg, beak first Or sunlight cracking through trees Where light comes out and gives birth With uneven decisions Will I live? And what IS living with a chronic diease like? What he believes is not that he doesn’t trust you, He just wants to trust himself. What other choice in the insanity defense is there That would be as human, then giving freedom of choice to him.

24

I've had kind of a love/hate relationship with Katy Perry since middle school. Ya know, back when there were Heely's, and all of the students listened to Hot and Cold over and over again. Back then, though, I was just discovering Marilyn Manson, and that was pretty much all I listened to. I was angry. And just lonely. But, then, I heard Firework. It was just the audio at first. Probably on the radio. I was intrigued by the song. It resonated within me in a way that not many things had in a very long time. So, after hearing the song on Z100 a couple more times, I YouTubed the song. Of course, that was before I got my own laptop. So, I sat out in the living room, on my mom's laptop, and just sobbed pretty uncontrollably while watching the music video over and over again. The song, and video, really helped me to feel better about myself. Around this time, I was also pretty heavily into my "emo" phase. Like, the Black Veil Brides tee, ripped skinny jeans, a horribly dyed fringe, and that ever-present black nail polish. I kept telling my mom that I wanted to change my name to Raven. This was also before I came out as transgender. But, Raven is a pretty androgynous name. And, I really connected with the character from Teen Titans with the name Raven. I idolized her. I connected with her very heavily. I wanted to be her. Because, even though she was different and reserved, she had friends that loved her and accepted her for who she was. I didn't have that. With my friends, I did to an extent. But, at home, it was just bad all around. Cue Katy Perry and Firework. I listened to the song so much. It was my go to when things were really bad at home. The song kept me going. In a way, the message behind it, kept me alive. So, really, this song gave me the courage to be myself. I listened to it a lot before I did finally come out as transgender. But, then, I stopped listening to it. Because, I wasn't allowed to be myself in my house. I mean, my own mother didn't take me seriously until I tried to **** myself. Actually, more than a year and half, and two more hospitalizations later, she's still pretty bad about it. Then, last night, I listened to this song for the first time since coming out. And, I sobbed. Like, full on head to the desk, fingers gripped in hair, sobbing. I didn't realize how much I had missed this song. But, I did realize how far I have come from that scared sixteen year old girl that told her mother she was a boy. I have come so far. I really have. And, even though things seem bad right now, they will get better. I will get better. I will keep on growing as a person. I will stay alive. I am going to do this for myself. I owe this to that sixteen year old girl standing in her kitchen, fists clenched, and tears rolling down her cheeks.

0

Dec 31, 2015

Dec 31, 2015 at 4:14 PM UTC

magic_queer

Firework

I've had kind of a love/hate relationship with Katy Perry since middle school. Ya know, back when there were Heely's, and all of the students listened to Hot and Cold over and over again. Back then, though, I was just discovering Marilyn Manson, and that was pretty much all I listened to. I was angry. And just lonely. But, then, I heard Firework. It was just the audio at first. Probably on the radio. I was intrigued by the song. It resonated within me in a way that not many things had in a very long time. So, after hearing the song on Z100 a couple more times, I YouTubed the song. Of course, that was before I got my own laptop. So, I sat out in the living room, on my mom's laptop, and just sobbed pretty uncontrollably while watching the music video over and over again. The song, and video, really helped me to feel better about myself. Around this time, I was also pretty heavily into my "emo" phase. Like, the Black Veil Brides tee, ripped skinny jeans, a horribly dyed fringe, and that ever-present black nail polish. I kept telling my mom that I wanted to change my name to Raven. This was also before I came out as transgender. But, Raven is a pretty androgynous name. And, I really connected with the character from Teen Titans with the name Raven. I idolized her. I connected with her very heavily. I wanted to be her. Because, even though she was different and reserved, she had friends that loved her and accepted her for who she was. I didn't have that. With my friends, I did to an extent. But, at home, it was just bad all around. Cue Katy Perry and Firework. I listened to the song so much. It was my go to when things were really bad at home. The song kept me going. In a way, the message behind it, kept me alive. So, really, this song gave me the courage to be myself. I listened to it a lot before I did finally come out as transgender. But, then, I stopped listening to it. Because, I wasn't allowed to be myself in my house. I mean, my own mother didn't take me seriously until I tried to **** myself. Actually, more than a year and half, and two more hospitalizations later, she's still pretty bad about it. Then, last night, I listened to this song for the first time since coming out. And, I sobbed. Like, full on head to the desk, fingers gripped in hair, sobbing. I didn't realize how much I had missed this song. But, I did realize how far I have come from that scared sixteen year old girl that told her mother she was a boy. I have come so far. I really have. And, even though things seem bad right now, they will get better. I will get better. I will keep on growing as a person. I will stay alive. I am going to do this for myself. I owe this to that sixteen year old girl standing in her kitchen, fists clenched, and tears rolling down her cheeks.

15

the blood is pooling down my wrist and pills bubbling in my throat i cannot live a life like this i cannot go on with life holding me captive. the scars don't hold enough to make me stop cutting the hospitalizations don't weigh enough for me to stop trying i will win this battle with acetaminophen i will win, the devil's will lose or is it the other way around you talked me into it your stupid ******* words and all their carelessness wash it down with liquor you know it's worth nothing to say i love you the words don't come as slow as they used to a little bit of knowledge will destroy you i'll miss the music i'll miss the days i'll miss waking up to sunrise and you delivering my pills i'll miss you caring every single second of the day i'll miss you hoping i'll be okay but this time i wont this time i can't stay because a boy destroyed me, shattered my already broken core all that will be left is bones

0

Dec 14, 2013

Dec 14, 2013 at 12:27 AM UTC

aviendha-goodrich

open this when i'm dead

the blood is pooling down my wrist and pills bubbling in my throat i cannot live a life like this i cannot go on with life holding me captive. the scars don't hold enough to make me stop cutting the hospitalizations don't weigh enough for me to stop trying i will win this battle with acetaminophen i will win, the devil's will lose or is it the other way around you talked me into it your stupid ******* words and all their carelessness wash it down with liquor you know it's worth nothing to say i love you the words don't come as slow as they used to a little bit of knowledge will destroy you i'll miss the music i'll miss the days i'll miss waking up to sunrise and you delivering my pills i'll miss you caring every single second of the day i'll miss you hoping i'll be okay but this time i wont this time i can't stay because a boy destroyed me, shattered my already broken core all that will be left is bones

31

Willow weep for me tells the struggle of one woman's journey out of realms of depression, despair, loneliness, betrayal, and heart break. I can relate to allof these I do not think that there is any medication, or therapy in this world that will endthis vicious cycle of depression. Little wonder Edgar Allen Poe and Ernest Hemingway took their own lives because what peace did they ever receive. I wish they would let this poetobtain sweet rest and peace in the everlasting arms of the Lord. The heartbreak, betrayal, mulitiple hospitalizations I have had over the years and tiresome. I am quite ready to end my poet's journey.

0

Oct 25, 2014

Oct 25, 2014 at 10:09 PM UTC

karissa-elizabeth-ann-lowell

Willow Weep For Me

Willow weep for me tells the struggle of one woman's journey out of realms of depression, despair, loneliness, betrayal, and heart break. I can relate to allof these I do not think that there is any medication, or therapy in this world that will endthis vicious cycle of depression. Little wonder Edgar Allen Poe and Ernest Hemingway took their own lives because what peace did they ever receive. I wish they would let this poetobtain sweet rest and peace in the everlasting arms of the Lord. The heartbreak, betrayal, mulitiple hospitalizations I have had over the years and tiresome. I am quite ready to end my poet's journey.

1

As I flip the calendar page, I think back to everything which has happened throughout this year. So close to the end, I cannot help but think about those things which changed me. Like those hospitalizations, for depression, they said; for bipolar, they said; and all those medications. And now, they have me half-asleep, a waking zombie, because they don't want me getting paranoid. I miss that black cat. And I miss getting giddy about the faces in the night. November, you leave me changed.

0

Dec 3, 2010

Dec 3, 2010 at 10:43 AM UTC

heather-butler

November

As I flip the calendar page, I think back to everything which has happened throughout this year. So close to the end, I cannot help but think about those things which changed me. Like those hospitalizations, for depression, they said; for bipolar, they said; and all those medications. And now, they have me half-asleep, a waking zombie, because they don't want me getting paranoid. I miss that black cat. And I miss getting giddy about the faces in the night. November, you leave me changed.

16

You think you deserve something but life slaps you upon the head and throws you down reminding you that after all you've doneyou don't deserve **** I had a strokeabout a week ago and there as a possibility of me getting to go home today instead of tomorrow but my blood level dropped to an undesirable rate this causing me to have to stay longer missing my oldest sisters funeral. I thought I would get to go buy that's was just life toying with my emotions again. I have a constant thought on"You don't deserve to be happy Ben!You don't deserve happiness. You can't pretend to be a good guy every now and then. it's such a disappoint to know I could've made my love better but now with all these life threatening hospitalizations and not knowinghow long I have left to live it just leaves me with such disappointment. I've always wished I could restart my life over andbe a better man but I know that's impossible just another disappointment that I get to live with I use to lash out in anger but that isn't going to change anything and it's a waste of time

0

Nov 14, 2020

Nov 14, 2020 at 8:27 AM UTC

Marcus-Dave

Diasppoint

You think you deserve something but life slaps you upon the head and throws you down reminding you that after all you've doneyou don't deserve **** I had a strokeabout a week ago and there as a possibility of me getting to go home today instead of tomorrow but my blood level dropped to an undesirable rate this causing me to have to stay longer missing my oldest sisters funeral. I thought I would get to go buy that's was just life toying with my emotions again. I have a constant thought on"You don't deserve to be happy Ben!You don't deserve happiness. You can't pretend to be a good guy every now and then. it's such a disappoint to know I could've made my love better but now with all these life threatening hospitalizations and not knowinghow long I have left to live it just leaves me with such disappointment. I've always wished I could restart my life over andbe a better man but I know that's impossible just another disappointment that I get to live with I use to lash out in anger but that isn't going to change anything and it's a waste of time

2

Dogen in meditation all through the night Udon and shabu shabu we ate I from hospitalizations I return to fight Fall 7 times, rise up 8.

0

Dec 25, 2018

Dec 25, 2018 at 1:45 PM UTC

myqualyxians

Touching Spirit Bear

Dogen in meditation all through the night Udon and shabu shabu we ate I from hospitalizations I return to fight Fall 7 times, rise up 8.

4

I'm kind of a joke Endless hospitalizations Trouble taking care of myself Afraid all the time I like Eliade And Encounters with Chinese Hermits St. Stephansdom Cathedral Bruno's exoplanets Star Trek is inspiring So is the Batman I spend a lot of time alone Truly: exoplanets! It ain't over yet, mom Please intercede for 3 Please xie xie ni Please we Oui.

0

Aug 20, 2023

Aug 20, 2023 at 11:58 AM UTC

myqualyxians

mom

I'm kind of a joke Endless hospitalizations Trouble taking care of myself Afraid all the time I like Eliade And Encounters with Chinese Hermits St. Stephansdom Cathedral Bruno's exoplanets Star Trek is inspiring So is the Batman I spend a lot of time alone Truly: exoplanets! It ain't over yet, mom Please intercede for 3 Please xie xie ni Please we Oui.

17

Dogen in meditation through the night Shabu Shabu we silently ate I from hospitalizations return to fight Fall 7 times, Rise up 8

0

Apr 30, 2019

Apr 30, 2019 at 7:46 AM UTC

myqualyxians

Touching Spirit Bear

Dogen in meditation through the night Shabu Shabu we silently ate I from hospitalizations return to fight Fall 7 times, Rise up 8

4