Friends come and go in
life , and it made me so sad
But now I'm happy

This moment in time, about twelve
Years ago; a memory that keeps
Resurfacing these days.
I tell it over beers -not at all to brag-
To new friends and old
Aquaintances.
Self-employed, young and working
My hands to shreds to get by.
I had not eaten for days.

I'd drink litres of water
And bite my proud tongue every
Time I thought to ask my parents.
Again.
Already losing friends over debt,
I had exhausted all channels.
I'd keep my eyes on the street
Dreaming of coins.
Monday, nauseous with nothing
But myself to throw up.
In the barracks. Not a soul.
Fridge. I open it.
Boxes with lunches for thirty
Honest men. Wifemade leftovers.
Smell of homes.
I shut the fridge door.
On a shelf to my right,
A bag of buns long forgotten.
The mould only superficial.
Heaven underneath.

My eyes welled up as I ate.
I take no pride in managing to
Become that hungry
In a rich country during rich times.
But I will always remember
That I never touched
The boys' lunchboxes.

"you come to know the dead the more you live"

Have you seen _?
She asks early in the morning when I'm tired and upset
have music blasting through my ear drums so I can stand to exist in this place
On our break, she re-appears, to deliver a package, some materials to help you
I am with you, still, we are work aquaintances, and I see you already have a lover here
A former baseball mom who has remodeled herself, at her new job
pretending husband and children don't exist as she seeks you out, hair done perfectly
dressed to accencuate the ******* and behind, sits so close, has promoted you in her department
to the position of soul mate

And when I flirted a little with you about going together to a fundraiser
you resisted, and now I know why, because you already have a date
and now I know why she tried to be assigned to our work group
when she is really in another because you are there, and you are her light
and my former married flame saw this,
and after the meeting, he ran, as if stung by a bee
to his new work flame, by her side
not alone, and I've finally forsaken him
and he may fire me, or not, but the ring on his finger still isn't there
for her to see, and she needs him, for her own career rehabilitation

Just watch, I am told.  Just watch since you are really not my type and
that is what discerning women do, who don't get swept off their feet by
posssessive and abusive men...and I won't go there again even though
I was defenseless then...given my background and insecurities
but stronger now and men near us nibble juicy meat off ribs
and talk about them, as we sit together, ****** tension still a bit there
even though it's fairly casual "It's so tender and moist, so soft, tender, but a good chew"
and I can't help but smile thinking that these heterosexual men are describing what
they most love, and at then end there is only a hard bone left
which should be of interest to me, except that is not enough since
there is little feeling in me to receive its pleasures, and that is just a compromise of nature

And I tell you I adore you, which is a complete tongue in cheek exxageration
but to get through your thick skin it is a plea for you to stop teasing and judging me
and let us just be friends who are nice to each other
and wander away

It's difficult to tell
When something as big as this started.
He was witnessed holding my little brother
As though he were a fawn drinking milk
From a snub-nosed brown bottle.
He was indifferent with a cuff,
It could've been a hug.
His aquaintances used his talents
For personal gain;
They sat at our table,
Enjoying chops and fried onions.
He was never in the audience,
Never in the stands beaming;
He was as dysfunctional as Claudius
Among melancholy princesses and princes
Who clasped palms to foreheads.
If I'd known Alas and Woe,
That's when I'd voice them.
One night, I considered pouring poison
In his ear.

I believe in true love at first sight
Because it was in that moment that I saw you, that I knew  I could never truly love again .
Especially not after you .
However, we became aquaintances.
Hours , days , weeks , and months soon changed that.
I don't know .... Was it your looks?
Your personality ,
Or was it simply the fact that you were so unobtainable?
I believe it is because I cant have you ..
Yeah , maybe that's why I crave you .
Forgive me because my idealistic beliefs have changed ..
I now realise it is because we were meant to be together.

He buried his life in a pile of books,
And blinded himself from dainty looks.
He buried his life in many educations,
Absented himself from youthful occations.

His aquaintances called him folly,
As on soothing nights they got jolly.
His closest friends carried the burden with him,
As his chances of love grew dim.

In those soothing nights,with the book,
All his lifetime he took
Trying to figure out the puzzle of life,
But then the answer was worth more than life!

I've been here before
So many times
My brain erases the memories
Can't hold this discordant pain
It happens again
This feeling--must record this
Evidence that proves
Not forget, never forget

I am grieving
Something important to me is being lost
It is sad to me, doesn't matter what it is
The line to my family runs dead
Sympathy should exist here
but never did
An echoing space
A roar of nothingness
The sound of a large empty room
where life should be, but isn't
the  mirage of the safety net of love disappears
Like 2pac's hologram--so real but then absolutely gone
I fall into the abyss, a black hole
pulls me forever deeper into the vacume

Curl up in the corner of nothingness with the pain
Soothe the self with the self
Watch life whip by outside
where I was before this hit
Remember the concern of aquaintances
who mimicked a worried friend
because I was in their way
And like my family
they have now vanished

My life is private, my secrets drenching in hopeless fear.
I express out loud, longing for admiration.
Yet, I hold everything in, saying nothing, no word my tongue could ever expose.
Fake friends, liars, backstabbers...
They only miss me once I’m gone.
I left, secretly disappeared without a knowledge to anyone.

But once they know I’m gone, is when they start to miss me.
I’ve moved on, left the city and started new in a different one.
I left like the wind with a cold dryness in the air.
Unspeakable, they only coming back cuz they know I’m not around.

Incomplete, I’ve learnt to never trust anyone ever again.
Deep thoughts hit and I know what’s going to happen before it does.
Caused by experience, pain, loss, and abuse.
I avoid it all, and seclude myself in my mysterious fantasies that will never come to my reality.
I live life in despair, knowing that I’m the curse, the darkness itself.
I’m the person who’s devil you speak the name of.
I’m your nightmares in your lost daydreams.

Too much intensity, I may be trouble.
But my deceiving nature has you thinking otherwise... doesn’t it?

Maybe it’s just thoughts of people talking about me constantly, even though it’s not real.
Nothing is.
My illusion is my nightmare and my delusions is my reality.
Im never going back.
They probably never going to see me ever again, but I guess it’s satisfying to make them think otherwise.
To make them think that I still love them and we probably still friends.
But when I was around, where were they without my effort?

Without my effort, everything is at loss.
I prefer to label these people as my aquaintances.
Calling them my friends is just a facade to cover up my intense loneliness caused by my experienced deep ridden trust issues.

I have no friends.
I like it that way.
I stay detached cuz people are worthless to me.
I like being alone, it’s my new cure.
With my seclusion, I am nothing more to be.

If I call you my friend, please don’t get confused when I ghost you and never actually talk to you, but I end up coming back few months later saying how much I miss you and love you.

Don’t we all do that?
This darkness of truth and lies all hidden inside of us.

Disappearance, keep your distance.

People this year really ******* surprised me
..my Mom, my "friends", and aquaintances
but throughout this whole year...to think not one person that truly loved me...accepted me
and this year has been extremely hard because...i felt really lonely
that no one got me, that I had no place, and i chased people who were pushing me away
i felt like a strayer, like mud left behind
this year I've really been able to see the hate of the world
when i've been nothing but kind, when i went out of my way to be accepting
but i could sit here and rant
or I could say It is finished
even if it's not 2015 yet...the past is done
no going back...
and i don't regret anything
but how i treated myself
and allowed myself to act...

My Lord Son Of the Almighty Creator God the Father, I ask with sincere and repentant soul to move on with a drastic  change to be done in my Lifestyle and what I personally struggle with every day the sins I have committed and the damage I done to others by my insolence and ignorant heart by me judging others at times, lying, cursing, forgetting to be grateful, not practicing what I preach, violent, sinning against my body, avoiding prayer, knowing the Word the Truth and NOT being obedient trading my happiness and relationship with God by instead indulging in the pleasures of the flesh...I come Glorious Lord Jesus who sit in the Everlasting Throne Of Pureness, Justice, Honor and Perfection by the right Hand Of the Almighty Father the Creator Of all and all that has ever been will and forever be known or unknown Physical, Spirit or Eternal. I call in distress and with much fear and trembling because I know I must detach myself from my sinful ways, stop giving in to do the same things I have allowed to accommodate and justify knowing that am being convicted by the Holy Spirit to NOT do I still give in and disregard it and commit yet over and over again... as if I use God's  name his word and share with others that I am spiritually awake, aware, and I profess to them such an elaborate unique and masterfully crafted deception but yet has Truth mixed with lies what I have lived and truly have experienced in a physical or mental and even spiritual way and what I have changed and imagined or somehow fabricated to fit and be more interesting or mind blowing to sound supernatural and ethereal to them involving a slight manipulation of reality blending my overactive imagination with reality nevertheless even I being deceived by my own self of  what my relationship with the Holy Spirit is like how I relate it to others and how it truly is in their eyes how it's in my eyes and how God sees it and how he wants me to be. My Beloved Lord Jesus My Reedemer my King and The Only Perfect Man, The Word made in Flesh, Son Of God, Lamb Of God, The Way, The Truth the Life, Prince Of Peace, Lord Of Lord's,  King Of Kings Who became the Lowliest Servant, Perfect in all ways, Holy and Righteous, God's  only begotten Son who came to absolve all Mankinds Sin by taking the sin of all Man, Woman and Child of Today, Yesterday and Since The beginning of the World...I am humbly requesting Help me truly Live more for you, devote my Time more in your Word, Persue the things NOT of this World the things that which you want me to persue and live for create a way for me to have a more disciplined, holy, seek first you in all matters, resorting to prayer more, taking walks while thanking you for your love, mercy, forgiveness, faithfulness, pure, perfect, miraculous, righteous, everlasting grace and immortal truth that will forevermore from now till infinity be always a word that is the only way, the only truth and will remain in humanity collective soul and heart and immortal spirit indefinitely...for this World and this Heaven shall pass but there will be a New Heaven and a New Earth that will be Paradise Once Again for he has promised that the ones faithful to him the ones written in the Book Of Life the ones who choose to live profess and fear the name of the Lord and tell others show them the scriptures and love God first put him first and constantly feed their Spirit and starve their flesh ...repent as often as possible, love others like thyself, choose daily to purge themselves of the carnal pleasures of the flesh, believe without NO DOUBT that Jesus Is The Son Of God,  Came to Live, Choose To Die On The Cross for All Our Sin from the time when it got introduced to the World thru the Ancient Serpent "The Devil" till the time when Jesus Christ comes back and everyone who was is and is to come live, choose what they decide to follow, The Lord Or The World and finally die and be sent to Sheol till The Great White Judgement Day when it arrives and every deed of every person from every nation from Male to Female from Jew to Gentile will be there present in the presence of God, Jesus & The Holy Spirit and all his Heavenly Host will stand to face the Judge Of Every Soul from the first created to the last one to be created to live and pass on to the afterlife God Almighty will separate the righteous from the wicked will show you from your first offense "sin" committed by YOU to the very last ONE it is committed by the same person it is either washed by the blood of Jesus by living for him praying to him reading his word, putting it into practice, listening to the still, serene, peaceful, gentle and holy word from the Holy Spirit allowing it to slowly change you transform you and open up a channel from Us and Christ developing a relationship with Him because only they him we are redeemed, glorified and saved from the grips of Hell itself..."For Whosoever Calls In The Name Of The Lord Shall Be Saved" this requires Faith and Denying the World, Our Fleshly Desires, Doing Good always, Recognizing your sin and asking for forgiveness with intention to change by asking for strength and courage in times of trial and tribulation, trusting God and learning on him for council NOT your own understanding for we are weak, sinful and choose pleasure and comfort and ease succumbing to our Fleshly Desires to gratify what is here today but die tomorrow many times we do evil in the eyes of God knowing that it is wrong but we do it anyway to instantly gratify our minds, bodies and souls with a temporary pleasure at that moment in time and over time becomes a habit that grows with repetition feeding the flesh but hurting the spirit.  Lastly I want to give it to God in this prayer to aid me change the sinful things I struggle with daily, please grant me your mercy when I fall short in serving you, when I sin against others, myself and you I know you have NOT given up on me Lord therefore I NEVER wanna give up on you Lord. Thank you for guarding my Family, Friends and Aquaintances. I give you thanks for your love, mercy, forgiveness, grace, peace, faithfulness and holiness. Teach me how to pray for others more, to proclaim blessings and healing for them and their lives, help me fix my eyes more on Jesus, help me walk with integrity and truth, help me understand the bible the way you want me to and not just read it but put it into practice little by little incorporating it into my Life and Lord heal my relationship with my Family. Allow me to grow daily spiritually in truth and please I beg you to allow me to get closer to you. Heal me Lord in Mind, Soul and Spirit and please forgive your servant for my failures past, present and future. Thank You...in Jesus Name...Amen!

The choices I've made are my own

Not anyone elses, but mine alone

Friendships and aquaintances come and go

Choices I've made, have helped me grow

I have to move forward in my life

I'm a friend, lover, mother and wife

I often look back and question myself

Time to put the past on the shelf



We've all made choices that aren't right

Believe in yourself, keep up the fight

I often miss the good old days

My childhood friends often amaze

May not talk for months on end

Because of my choices, we will always be friends

Death is casual
It happens everyday
It happens when you turn your back for a second,
When you aren't even looking

Especially when you aren't looking,
when you're so wrapped up in something
that the rest of the world doesn't matter
when your world is perched on the teetering edge
of a finite solution
smashing yourself against the blunt rock of the world
trying to change something

And sometimes it comes when nothing is going on
when you're sitting on the toilet,
Watching cat videos

And suddenly your reliable heart stops sending the blood where it needs to go

Sometimes death takes you in the morning
waiting at the traffic light
for the little walking man to come on,
And the car that shouldn't be on top of you
suddenly is
and so is death

Death is in the broken flesh of the meat suit
that was you
Death is in the tears, and the choked words
of the people who knew you
Death is also in the shrug of your aquaintances
who hear of you in passing
And wish they felt sad about it

Death is in everything you do
Death is in the seconds
ticking cheerfully along
They aren't sad seconds
It's just time
And death is just death

It happens to everything
To everyone
The greenland shark swims for 400 years
before he meets death
The Galapagos Tortoise can live for up to 170 years
before he stops crawling through the world
The female mayflie lives 5 minutes
Once the larval stage is finished
And the new eggs are laid
And death is put at bay
For the season, and 5 days

Death comes
That's life
Live it
Until then